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My brother lives near my 87 year old mother, who lives alone in her own home. I live 2 hours away, came home for Christmas, was shocked at the condition my mother and the house is in. My brother is POA, doesn't do anything more than talk, tells mom about "Obamacare and socialism". She needs help now. She will only tell me her problems, hides things from everyone else, cries to me on the phone that she is lonely and that I must come live there and take care of her. I am the only daughter, her mother did this to her.
When I try to work with my brother to get mom social services, he calls me a busybody, says over his dead body, and he won't return my phone calls.
My mother was sick for a week after Christmas, must have gotten the bronchitis I had when I went there, didn't call me until a week later, wouldn't call the doctor or anyone else. Blamed me for making her sick!

I am trying to get well enough to start an internship next week, finish school, and get a job. I am 55. My mother needs so many things that I can't provide (and I won't take abuse) but social services can.
The problem is that my brother is in the way, he could stop everything I try to do to help her because I need her consent to get her the services she needs, like LifeAlert. (She could not get out of the house or notify anyone if there was an emergency).
Also, his house is being foreclosed on, he is thinking of moving in with her, but he won't lift a finger to fix the hole in the foundation (bad for heating costs in PA in January), and she pays her own fuel oil bills.

I am scared of him (PTSD-VIETNAM), of her (I am in therapy for PTSD from child abuse and must keep some distance to stay balanced), naturally I am worried about her and want to help, but she's being abusive towards me, he will abuse me, he may try to sue me, who knows what else?

I know I could go to protective services, but I am afraid that everyone will blow up and cause me more stress, which my doctors will not allow...this family makes me mentally and physically sick. I NEED AN ADVOCATE, MODERATOR, A SANE NO NONSENSE PERSON TO PROTECT ME! And I don't have the money to pay an attorney. I am on disability, trying to finish school to finally get back to work, my student loan is $34,000, and my husband works long hours to take care of both of us and our house.

What are my legal rights? Is there any way I can get an advocate to help me be the adult or should I just ignore everyone? Would I be negligent then? Any suggestions are entirely welcome.
Thanks for hearing me out, gang.

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Sometimes it is just impossible to help people. You try to help your Mom and she "abuses" you. Then there is you brother, his political views should be just that "his". But she put him in charge. Would she turn on you if you called someone about elder abuse and then side with him? Is it worth it? Sometimes we just have to let it go and protect ourselves. My Mom has some personality disorder and put my brother in charge of everything. She thinks I want her money (which is not true) After much heartbreak and emotional turmoil, I finally realized that if you are elderly and you have loving, caring children who want to care for you, you are very lucky. Those who don't appreciate this get what they deserve. Ask yourself, couldn't your Mom end this pretty easily by taking the POA from your brother, it is easy to do. I personally have distanced myself from my brother and Mom, the hateful and undeserved things she has and continues to say about me are unhealthy. She will be provided for but I will not be doing the providing.
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Wow--you should talk to an attorney. Too many complications, especially if you are dealing with possible violence and abuse.
Whatever you do it's going to cost money for decent help, so better be prepared and protected! Otherwise, you are not going to get anywhere.
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In reading your post, the thing that I kept thinking was that you would FEEL so much better about this whole situation if somehow you and your brother could get along and be on cooperative speaking terms..... If perhaps a face-to-face meeting with your brother might help to bring about a thaw in your relationship and enable you both to come to terms about a workable plan of action for your mother's welfare. If you and your brother could accomplish this, it would prevent a lot of headache and anxiety which would surely go along with seeking legal counsel ( which would keep the situation in "conflict mode".) Good luck
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agree with anne123, but would get Attorney BEFORE meeting with brother. Go armed. Be on offense, hold the cards. He knows you're scare of him, so do you want to change that?
What do you think?
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You say you are in therapy. Can you describe the situation for your therapist and ask the therapist for advice?
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Js, Besides your brother being a bully, his reality of America is skewed because of what he's been through in life, especially Vietnam so he has an agenda of his own aside from your mother.
You don't say whether it was your mother or father or both that abused you when you were growing up. I ask because unless you can separate your mother from your brother for at least a short time, there is little hope that you can deprogram her in order to help her. You said he has POA but that is for finances only I thought, what about DPOA which is supposed to be the medical end of the POA thing? Depending whether you can stand having her around you for a few weeks in order to start the deprogramming, only then can you initiate change. I also am interested to hear what your husband has to say about all this. He has ONLY your best interests in mind, so maybe he ought to be the barometer you go by instead of the years of terror you had growing up, and trying to figure out what to do now.
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My mother assigned my brother as POA for finances and medical. Lousy attorney. I sent her a medical POA to have executed. My mother and my father abused me along with my brothers. I was a very lonely little girl. My mom tends to make me feel like a little girl again when she speaks to me. PTSD.
I called Protective Services, and the Area Aging Office is contacting my mother and looking in to the situation. I am required to detach by orders of my psychiatrist and my therapist. It still hurts, but at least I am sheltered from any further abuse and I have support for my emotional battles.
My husband understands, but is not as supportive as he could be. He did not grow up like this and has trouble relating, especially to the PTSD, he just knows what I go through.
I appreciate the comment. It helps when others understand.
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Reading this breaks my heart, especially the part about being treated like a little girl. This is my family too. Not as severe as yours but I realized not only does Mom treat me like a child but my brother does the same. You can't change them. I am glad you are getting away from them, it is the only thing you can do. As for your husband, he reminds me of my own. My husband is amazed at the way my Mom treats me, he thinks she is just plain mean. But deep down he can"t understand how the PTSD works because he grew up in a loving and very su[pportive family. I have great empathy for you. The more you distance yourself the stronger you will become. I know. God bless you
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Also, my Dad verbally abused us all. I was the girl in the family with only one brother. My Mom let him, she never protected me. Now that he is dead we all talk about how "mouthy" he was. What no one seems to realized is the deep, long term damage verbal abuse causes. My brother doesn't have the deep damage I have, since he was the "son" and treated much better. What I find amazing is even now the dynamics are the same in the our family. Mom ignores me, only listens to my brother and they both treatment me like a child. I can not and will not tolerate this one minute longer. When Mom put my brother in charge of everything and told lies about me, that was the "straw that broke the camerals back" so to say. I decided then what I had to do. You do the same, you deserve happiness. Sorry for venting.
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I have this brother, very familiar with your situation. A sit down with that mentality won't work, and you know that. I'm not sure in your case, but usually a POA does not make the POA legally responsible for care giving, it only gives them the right to sign and write checks on the parents behalf, and only when the parent can't. That could be some of the problem between your mom and your brother. Your mom thinks he will care give for her because he has POA, she doesn't understand exactly what that means, and your brother knows he is not legally obligated to do that much to help, so he doesn't. You need to call social services and have them come in and check on your Mom, tell them you're a distance away, and tell them what you've seen, that he has POA over her, and his own personal financial problems and not doing anything else to help her. This will set off a red flag with social services. Your brother is in a financially bad situation, and is taking over your Mom's finances clearly, and is not taking care of her. Social Services will see this, eventually file a report and step in hopefully on your mother's behalf. She also should be able to change the POA. If you want that you could take over, if not she can become a ward of the state. She could live in her home and they'll check on her, provide services for her. Good luck.
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