I believe Protection Services use a sort of squalor & hoarder scale (where I live anyway).
They look out for rancid food, uncared for pets, animal or vermin waste.
I'm guessing here the brother refuses to let any cleaning service in? As can't see the need.
Things may have looked better with his helpers around, but as they have left (or are leaving) - I'd call APS to check on him.
I have a relative that could not cope alone without daily Aides. If left without Aides, the Doctor told me to inform their office & they would contact the authorities.
It's a hard one. You have my best wishes. Let us know how you get on.
Needhelpwithmom, I know it will s so sad. An elder lawyer told me we can’t just go around taking rights away from people just because they are a hoarder and make bad decisions. Heck , Charlie Sheen makes the WORST decisions and he still has his rights, lol.
I once made the huge mistake of stepping in to help a 'friend' who had so many problems--hoarding being one, having the care of 3 small grandkids thrust upon her (she's 70) among other serious family issues.
She literally would sit unmoving, for hours in this atrociously filthy home, kids running wild, all the 'nasties'. Bugs, rats, rotting food everywhere...
I worked with her for 4 solid months, almost on a daily basis, cleaning, packing, organizing, raising money, advocating for her for the kids' welfare...trying to help her find a home she could afford... And... Every night I'd leave a moderately tidy home and return the next day that looked as though they'd spent the entire night before throwing garbage and cat poop all over.
I plugged along, thinking I was helping. I was not. I was enabling.
On the day I found out she had NO intention of moving to a smaller home she could afford nor would she throw away one solitary item--I quit. Told her I was done, she'd broken me and I wished her the best and within a month the house and yard were back to the neighborhood 'garbage house'. And Yes, APS, CPS, the city..all authorities were called and I guess you are allowed to live in total filth if you want.
I lost a lot of faith in the 'system'. I know they're overloaded, etc. Still---the kids were being abused, they were completely running wild. I guess the oldest boy is now facing a stint in a Juvenile Center.
After hundreds upon hundreds of hours of service--this woman hates me and literally blames ME for all her problems.
I will think long and hard before I try to step in an help someone who is 'unhelpable'. I will always do what I can, but I'll NEVER step in so deeply.
Bottom line-- You cannot really help those who don't want help.
He Deedee, you say your brother is disabled but in the other post you answered he is competent. Is he only disabled physically? My son is disabled but I have legal guardianship and he is turning 29.
Unfortunately, APS is right in telling you he can make bad decisions if he is competent. My 96 year old mother was a hoarder and gambling addict. They all said there was nothing anything anyone could do. She was competent and could live alone in her hoarded making bad decisions.
There is no easy answer. If you can’t get your brother to the doctor to ge tested again for competency, you have no choice but to let go and leave him be. It’s the law.
There is nothing you can do for him if he refuses without guardianship. It is a horrible situation to be in. I was watching my mother deteriorate and begging doctors and elder lawyers and social workers to help me. They all said the same thing. She can live any way she wants since she is competent.
Unless someone is a danger to themselves or someone else nobody can intervene. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Unfortunately, someone making bad decisions does not = incompetent.
I'm so sorry that you feel like you have to be your brother's keeper. I understand how that feels
My older brother was a wreck! I tried to do everything I could to help him, but to no avail!! In the end, he took his own life. And although I'm still devastated, I know I did what I could! Some people will never except help! It sounds as though your brother is like that.
Maybe have a conversation with him about what his final wishes are? Perhaps that may open his eyes to the fact that you've done all you can for him.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink!!
Deedee, let it go. APS said your brother is competent and can live In squalor. Then let him. You can’t force him to move or clean up his mess.
My 96 year old mother lived alone and was competent and a hoarder. APS told me the same thing. Nothing you can do about it, so let it go. Let your brother live the way he wants to.
The ADP people were there last week. He knew I called. They say it is squalor but he is mentally competent. There are few help organizations in his small town. With COVID they are stressed also.
He may have undiagnosed, untreated depression. You can call APS and report him as a vulnerable adult. Without you having PoA or guardianship, there is not much else you can legally do without his willing participation in his own betterment.
Failing to have a different brother? Failing to change his situation? - but it's *his* situation. It is not yours to change.
I do honestly think you might as well feel guilty about failing to solve Covid 19 or climate change.
Perhaps you might find it helpful to identify your feelings more accurately. You feel bad for your brother, you must (if you're human!) feel frustrated that he won't accept help and support, I expect you feel depressed and sad that his circumstances are... well, pretty revolting, really. Let's hope that he has a change of heart before deterioration in his health forces something more radical on him.
But you can do no more than keep the offer open. Do NOT subject yourself to a ridiculously onerous schedule to sustain a situation that does nothing to help him and only reinforces his refusal to accept better options.
They look out for rancid food, uncared for pets, animal or vermin waste.
I'm guessing here the brother refuses to let any cleaning service in? As can't see the need.
Things may have looked better with his helpers around, but as they have left (or are leaving) - I'd call APS to check on him.
I have a relative that could not cope alone without daily Aides. If left without Aides, the Doctor told me to inform their office & they would contact the authorities.
It's a hard one. You have my best wishes. Let us know how you get on.
She literally would sit unmoving, for hours in this atrociously filthy home, kids running wild, all the 'nasties'. Bugs, rats, rotting food everywhere...
I worked with her for 4 solid months, almost on a daily basis, cleaning, packing, organizing, raising money, advocating for her for the kids' welfare...trying to help her find a home she could afford...
And...
Every night I'd leave a moderately tidy home and return the next day that looked as though they'd spent the entire night before throwing garbage and cat poop all over.
I plugged along, thinking I was helping. I was not. I was enabling.
On the day I found out she had NO intention of moving to a smaller home she could afford nor would she throw away one solitary item--I quit. Told her I was done, she'd broken me and I wished her the best and within a month the house and yard were back to the neighborhood 'garbage house'.
And Yes, APS, CPS, the city..all authorities were called and I guess you are allowed to live in total filth if you want.
I lost a lot of faith in the 'system'. I know they're overloaded, etc. Still---the kids were being abused, they were completely running wild. I guess the oldest boy is now facing a stint in a Juvenile Center.
After hundreds upon hundreds of hours of service--this woman hates me and literally blames ME for all her problems.
I will think long and hard before I try to step in an help someone who is 'unhelpable'. I will always do what I can, but I'll NEVER step in so deeply.
Bottom line--
You cannot really help those who don't want help.
Unfortunately, APS is right in telling you he can make bad decisions if he is competent. My 96 year old mother was a hoarder and gambling addict. They all said there was nothing anything anyone could do. She was competent and could live alone in her hoarded making bad decisions.
There is no easy answer. If you can’t get your brother to the doctor to ge tested again for competency, you have no choice but to let go and leave him be. It’s the law.
There is nothing you can do for him if he refuses without guardianship. It is a horrible situation to be in. I was watching my mother deteriorate and begging doctors and elder lawyers and social workers to help me. They all said the same thing. She can live any way she wants since she is competent.
Unless someone is a danger to themselves or someone else nobody can intervene. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Unfortunately, someone making bad decisions does not = incompetent.
Lord knows that you reached out for help numerous times for your mom throughout your caregiver days!
I'm so sorry that you feel like you have to be your brother's keeper.
I understand how that feels
My older brother was a wreck! I tried to do everything I could to help him, but to no avail!!
In the end, he took his own life. And although I'm still devastated, I know I did what I could! Some people will never except help!
It sounds as though your brother is like that.
Maybe have a conversation with him about what his final wishes are? Perhaps that may open his eyes to the fact that you've done all you can for him.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink!!
God bless you for caring about him!!
My 96 year old mother lived alone and was competent and a hoarder. APS told me the same thing. Nothing you can do about it, so let it go. Let your brother live the way he wants to.
Have you considered contacting organizations that could help him during his time of need?
They could teach him skills that could be used to help himself.
That was incredibly nice of you. Why?
Failing to have a different brother?
Failing to change his situation? - but it's *his* situation. It is not yours to change.
I do honestly think you might as well feel guilty about failing to solve Covid 19 or climate change.
Perhaps you might find it helpful to identify your feelings more accurately. You feel bad for your brother, you must (if you're human!) feel frustrated that he won't accept help and support, I expect you feel depressed and sad that his circumstances are... well, pretty revolting, really. Let's hope that he has a change of heart before deterioration in his health forces something more radical on him.
But you can do no more than keep the offer open. Do NOT subject yourself to a ridiculously onerous schedule to sustain a situation that does nothing to help him and only reinforces his refusal to accept better options.
Not guilty! Okay?
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