Follow
Share

my brother is devoted to my mom but treats his sisters very poorly, we are useless girls and he is the man of the house-he is the youngest and thankfully has no control over our lives. My mom loves her only son much more than us sisters-she loves us too though and we accept that she is closest to him. She can see no wrong as he grew into a hot tempered unruly person who is very rude and controlling and hates his sisters-this was better controlled when Dad was alive and always stood up for us. I keep away from him. But he controls everything about mom-she lets him and supports him on everything.. We can only call her at certain times, she will hang up on us for him, do what he says, etc. now she is even more sick and he will not share who her doc is, who the part-time caretaker he has appointed, i cannot come and visit her, etc. he claims that he will tell me only what she needs me to know and that she does not want me to know these, which is nonsense, given my work at a hospital and she always asked health questions of me earlier. he is verbally very abusive, yells a lot and exhibits so much hate its scary-yet I have to kowtow, keep apologizing, because i have no info about mom otherwise. what can i do? i know he will take care of her but I am not sure he knows what exactly to do and we worry so much. its not right that he prevents us from even knowing basic things that we are worried about. am I wrong to want to know these since he is the primary caretaker? Should I just let it be? its too toxic even trying to get any info from him. mom and he do not live in the US, different culture.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
if hes denying his mother help from any source , imo, he doesnt have his moms best interests in mind. tryin to be a hero. your mom will probably want to mend fences with everyone around her before she passes and each family member should spend some time alone with her if possible to permit that possibility.
isolating your parent is a red flag where elder abuse is concerned.
dont give up. email bro, tell him you think hes doing a great job and you realize its a very difficult job. then tell the dumb f**k that caregiving is best done by a team and youd like to be on the team.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Let it be. You cannot change them. They have their own little world.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I agree that its not right that he prevents you from even knowing basic things that you are worried about. It is even less right that your mother goes along with this. But she does, according to you. Be glad that you think he will take care of her, and back away. If she wants to live as if she only has a son and no daughters, I guess that is her right, sad as it is.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

What Captain said. By the way, you don't have to call him a dumb f*** to his face. Though you might feel better for it.

Ironically, the bitter spite and hatred probably come from resentment that you don't do more to help. You know and I know that you don't do more because he is stopping you; but I doubt he factors that in.

I think, in your place, I'd probably just count my blessings that he didn't have any control in my own life. Your mother worships the ground he walks on. Fine. Let's just hope she never has to find out about the feet of clay.

Where are they based, out of interest?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

the guy sounds about two fries short of a happy meal. if hes violent and closed minded you have your work cut out for you if your going to try reasoning with him. i still think primary doc is the key player. send him a note explaining your brothers actions . he is the person legally responsible for the patient and he can draw from a lot of resources .. he could put bro in his place with only a few choice words..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Mombro, why are you bothering? I'm not being rude, it's a serious question. When you know why, you will then know what exactly you need to achieve. Then you concentrate on getting that done, enlisting help as you need it. But if it isn't possible to achieve what you want, for example, if your mother is located in a country where there is no system for protecting elders that we would recognise, then you will have to accept that and leave it there.

Credit where it is due. Praise your brother for his devotion to your mother. Do not praise him for being a pig-headed moron who can't recognise help and support when they're offered to him. Do not praise him for refusing to answer perfectly reasonable questions. Do not praise him for preventing your mother from seeing her daughters, if she wishes to.

Best of luck. I still can't help feeling that these two thoroughly deserve each other; but clearly you are a more loving individual than I am, who doesn't want to wash her hands of them. All credit to you, then, too.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Mombro, for the sake of your sanity look at this the other way round.

Your mother is not excluding you, she is freeing you. Against form, against character maybe, against tradition perhaps, she wants you to concentrate on your life, your career, your needs. Accept this as her gift to you.

I completely understand your wanting to 'carry forward' the debt that you (not I!) feel you owe your late father, but you have been released from it. Your mother is being well cared for, by a child who, you must assume, loves her just as much as you do.

If you want to make your mother happy, contact her frequently, send her news of your life (especially but not exclusively the happy bits!), show her that you're thinking of her, tell her that you love her. And above all, do as she asks and try not to worry about her.

She has given you full and free permission to let go of responsibility for her care. Accept it as her blessing.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Something smells here. I think Captain is correct in some of his comments. This is your mother and your brother's actions would lead me to think some abuse is going on here. Also, don't believe that your mother taking his side means she is happy with this situation. Possibly she is afraid of your brother. He sounds a bit off centered.

If your mother is mentally competent and seems to be,happy with the situation, then I would stay out of it. But if you suspect abuse you need to speak up before something terrible happens.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thanks very much,that's good advice and I will try. She is mentally competent. She was laughing when she rebuffed my inquiry about her caretaker or doctor, so I presume she is happy as is and I am being intrusive here. She has a full time caretaker now so I should not worry. Except she calls us sisters up periodically and worries us with her illnesses-but since I am not allowed to know the caretaker or the new doctor, I have no information if she has a bout where she cannot speak and it puts me in a situation where I cannot help beyond hoping for the best for her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

As I read your original post it occurred to me that there might be cultural influences going on here and that your brother is part of a male-centered, chest-thumping patriarchal culture in which case it not just about his behavior or his controlling nature (which could stem from God only knows what) but an ingrained, societal and cultural background which would make it almost impossible for brother to change.

Do what you can do, talk to your mom as much as you can, maybe send her cards occasionally to let her know you're thinking of her, let your brother know you're there if he needs help and know that you've done all that you can do.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter