A woman has taken a fancy to him and they were found together in bed (fully clothed). She also goes into another man's room. NH checking them every 30 minutes. Both are mobile. Don't want him put out as his dementia is profound. What can I do, as it is a secure dementia ward. 😦😦

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I've seen several couples at mom's memory care and staff generally takes guidance from the families as to how far to let things go but it can provide great relief for those residents to have a hand to hold or to see someone they 'love'
facilities can be lonely and the days drag on
Helpful Answer (15)
surprise Jan 2019
My grandmother found her beloved in her nursing home. Apparently he looked enough like her long-deceased husband that she "knew" it was him, and called him her husband's name (which was not Mr H's). Mr. H's wife had been Mary, so that name matched up well. Men and women had rooms on opposite wings, so they sat together all day holding hands. In the evening, Mr H. walked her to her room and gave her a good night kiss before going back to his room. 💗
As long as there is no abuse going on.
As long as he does not object to the attention I would say let things go.
We all need contact with other people. The touch, clothed or not is very powerful. It can be calming and may help your brother mentally and emotionally.
I know when my Husband was anxious all I had to do is hold him, or hold his hand, rub his shoulders and he would relax almost instantly. I could get him to fall asleep in minutes just by holding his hand and sitting or laying next to him.
So as long as the facility has no problems with this, as long as the woman's family does not have a problem I would not worry about this.

I do not think you have to worry about the facility kicking him out due to this, if they make moves to do so they should also evict the woman. And they would have a discussion with the families before it cam to that.
Helpful Answer (14)

If both parties are comfortable in each other's company, and if they're not frightening the horses, and if the staff are confident no one is coming to any harm... I know it's a bit much to say "be happy for them" but perhaps at least be glad they have this companionship (doesn't sound as if they're getting up to much else 😰). The situation just wants an eye kept on it, that's all.
Helpful Answer (10)
anonymous875604 Jan 2019
"frightening the horses" -- That made me laugh right out loud!
Does your brother seem to enjoy the attention from the lady? If they were canoodling fully clothed, I must say it seems harmless to me.
Helpful Answer (9)

I have no idea if he enjoys the attention. He is 80 years old and the woman is bout same age. Neither of them have a partner alive. The other man she visits has a wife who is still alive and wife visits him regularly. But both families aren't bothered as it is dementia they are dealing with. I just thought that this behaviour would not be tolerated by NH. But as you say Msmadge, time must drag for all the poor souls who are in NH.
Helpful Answer (8)

If they both enjoy the situation, just make sure the staff are all aware that they should be monitored.
Helpful Answer (7)

Really...not much you can do. The staff can try to keep them apart but they have other responsibilities too. My daughter has told me there is a couple at her facility that think they are married and get upset if someone tries to separate them. Both have spouses who visit. Not much you can do. Its part of the desease. My GFs father is in his late 90s living in an AL. He is still with it mentally. He woke up to find a resident in his bed. Mom was in the same AL. This woman loves the men so I could see her doing it. She has Dementia.
Helpful Answer (5)

Be happy for him, most eider claim that they are lonely, have no compagnon to be with and many of them don't always tell they miss love and would very much remain sexualy active, because attraction and need are still present but oculted. Dont forget that this situation for both of them means that they still have "life pulses" i.e. they are certainly not ready to die, so be happy for them and for you, Dont do the habitual mistake of reprimanding him or them, better is to approve the situation, envie them and hope that you reach his age if ever you should have dementia.
Next month I will moderate(in Belgium) as gerontologist a four day session embracing "Age love and sexualité" Participants are between 65 an 80
Good luck
Helpful Answer (4)

and the problem is?
Helpful Answer (4)

Unless your brother is freaking out and saying he is being stalked or sexually abused, leave it alone.

That they can find some comfort and peace should be encouraged and not destroyed. Love comes in many different forms, be happy that they are able to recognize it in their conditions. It is a blessing to them.
Helpful Answer (4)

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter