Mom used to be in a senior community in India till she became very forgetful. I employed aides in India but there was no one to supervise them. They came late, left early etc and locked up mom to stop her from wandering out. Her neighbors called me, so I rushed over and got her here. I got her a green card, pay for expensive monthly insurance and am in charge of her 24/7. Luckily, she's ok physically and sleeps well at night. I can also put on YT movies and get a break for me.
My brother lives overseas and has no interest in mom because of how my parents treated him 30 years ago. I agree my parents were not the best but my point is, we cannot abandon mom. Dad is no more. I have asked DB for very specific help, like handling mom's financial affairs or talking to the senior community about pending dues. All this can be done by email/phone but he has not heeded my calls for help.
Strangely, DB is nice when I talk to him about my kids, general events, movies etc . He goes grey rock (I think that's what you call it??) when I try to tell him about mom.
My husband visited him overseas to tell him that we cannot handle mom's burden alone. DB and his wife unloaded a whole boatload of complaints against my parents (which happened decades earlier) and kept insisting I should have left mom in India. But the burden of checking up on the aides & keeping tabs on mom was & will be on me. I got migraines and that's why I rushed over and got mom here.
How do I accept this and move past? I get very angry thinking DB is living carefree (except for the pandemic) and living his life while I have to think of mom's care before I do anything.
Thank you so much
I expect - in fact, he's said so, hasn't he? - that he thinks you are wrong to have stepped in.
You just have to agree to differ, really. It's fine for you to volunteer, but you can't volunteer him; and it's not like he encouraged you and then backed away from helping. All he's done is stand his ground.
Would you still have gone and got her if you didn't have a brother?
You can calmly ask your brother now if he would be willing to help YOU, leaving aside the dislike he feels for his parent. Is there any way he can help YOU given you have made a choice to attempt this care. Be ready that he may tell you that this is your choice, and he is sorry, but he is not willing to.
Thank you for replying
It sounds like whatever happened has traumatized your brother to the point that he is not willing to help at all. That is his choice.
You made the decision to bring mom to the states by yourself and it looks like you will be responsible for her by yourself.
Don't get in the middle of the relationship with your brother and mom, you will only feel worse if he grey rocks you completely. She is paying for her choices with him and so are you unfortunately, but he can be good support for you personally.
Hire a fiduciary to help handle your moms finances if it is to much for you to deal with. You have other choices to get help, your brother is not on that list.
I feel DB should be the grown up and let bygones be bygones
Thank you for your input.
My husband saw me struggling to deal with mom's care when she was in India and said I should just bring her here. I will be forever indebted to him.
It would be better for you and your family if you can find other ways to lessen your burden both emotionally and logistically. I don't know your financial situation but could you hire help with managing finances? Could you have Moms dues put on automatic payment?
Your Mom is fortunate to have such a caring daughter. Make sure you save some of that care for yourself. Wishing you the best.