Brother lives with our frail Mom, complains about taking care of her, but won’t accept my offer to pay for a caregiver. Am I being selfish?

Your mother is being unreasonable. You have no legal duty to provide hands-on care for your mother.

Your children come first.

You have your own family to take care of. How do they expect you to do more? The offer to pay for mom's care is very generous.

Maybe he wants you to so called "do your part". You can that with paying for her care too. If he's exhausted with her alone, adding in kids is even more work.

My dad is a handful, but I don't expect my sister in another state, with a job and children to take over. She's got enough on her plate.

Your duty as a daughter is to love to the extent you received love. Your duty as a daughter is to care for your own family, protect your own young, raise your family in peace. In so far as you have time to help your brother then shopping, appointments, respite care, anything you can offer is wonderful. I feel you should not be sinking in your own money unless your own elder years are self insured with savings of a really quite high. "They" can say whatever they like. Talking is free speech in our country. We often on AgingCare get questions from the caregiving siblings complaining they aren't getting help; I always counsel them that they are doing this care of their choice, that they cannot dictate what other siblings do, and that I actually side with the siblings who are caring for their own families for the most part. One can toss labels all day. "Selfish" is a great label. Just accept it, and get on with your own life. I always tell the complainers "I never told you I was a perfect person. I am FULL of flaws. You have mentioned only one. I'll leave you be now so you can come up with some more". Then I giggle and am out the door. I will never know why we put more stock in the opinions of others for our lives over what we already know is right for our own lives.
You owe love if you were loved. Please give it, along with what help you feel able to. Only you know the business of your own life, how much time you can make, and where, when and how you have the time and resources to help.

I think ur brother and Mom are being unreasonable. If you have explained why, maybe its time for your husband to step in. No, my wife cannot help at this time. Her hands are full with 3 kids and me. I have offord to pay for an aide. Take it or leave it. Yes, they will be mad but he got his point across. Sometimes you just have to be blunt.

Once you marry your responsibility shifts to your husband and then your children. Parents are to transition into a new way of life. Save money for their later years. Travel be involved with their friends. You are doing what you can. This is not being selfish.

I only had my grandson, 7, here last Spring and getting him ready and helping with virtual school was enough.

You are NOT being selfish.

Whose ‘wants’ is your brother talking about – his ‘wants’ or your mother’s ‘wants’? I hope you’ve pointed out the difference between ‘wants’ and ‘needs’.

One option for mother is to take your life to her. Take your three children, take all their study books, and install all of you in mother’s room. Don’t hush the children, let them be as noisy as normal. Let them come with you and mother to the toilet or to wash – or close yourselves in the bathroom with a child complaining outside the door. A couple of kid fights or meltdowns would fit in well. Let your mother see in real time just how exhausting a day is for you, and how exhausting it would be for her if you really combined your life with hers.

This will be a dreadful day for you, but also for your mother. It may well encourage her to think again about what she really wants – on joint terms, not in her imagination of having you alone all to herself!

I can’t even come up with ANYTHING about this situation that can be logically referred to as “selfish”.

”They” refers to you brother and your mother? Is he coaching her? How old is she, and what constitutes “frail”?

If he is caring decently and respectfully for her, and/but complaining, I’d consider it his absolute right as her caregiver to complain his head off, with ZERO EXPECTATIONS that you will do anything.

”Oh my, Dear Brother, I TO-TA-LLY UNDERSTAND how hard it is to take care of our Dear Mama. ALMOST like taking care of THREE small children and a dear husband and a household, I imagine. Don’t forget, My Dear Husband and I have offered to pay for extra help when you decide caring for Mama becomes too much for you.
And PLEASE, take good care of yourself while you’re giving her your best. You’re important to her, just as I’m important to my Dear Husband and THREE Children”.

Being the full caregiver of a parent - I do wish my sister would do more. She does not have small children so her life is very different from yours. Though I do feel like even if one child does take the full responsibility for the parent that my sister (as well as any other siblings) should make time to do respite care or help with hospital stays and try their best to give the caregiver breaks. Wether the parent lives with one of us or not - someone would still have to talk to doctors - help with stuff - take them places etc. Anyone caring for an aging parent does need support and breaks from their siblings if they shoulder everything else. You may already be doing this for him (I’m not sure how involved you are). But my sister did not help me with anything - not elder law or condo sales - rehabs - find a book mom would like - anything at all or even one full day off - ever - in over two years. I only want her to Be with her mom - support me her sister who flew to her for everything - stayed for every birth to help her - spent every vacation I had visiting her and taking the kids and spending time with them (to me that’s what bonded us as a family and made us a good one). So to some extent try to carve time to be part of the team - it goes a long way to everyone in the family. It strengthens the family. I think that’s what family does. Helps each other and cares for each other. So if he isn’t asking you for some absurd amount of time that you don’t possibly have to give while raising young ones - then just do your best to find the time for not only your mom but for him - caregivers get lost and even if they “chose” to do it doesn’t mean they don’t need to be seen and cares for as well. If my sister said to me just once “hey i think you matter and I’m going to plan a few days to give you a break” - I can tell you it would have meant the world to me. Having to beg a family member to carve time to love me or mom has been harder than her stroke could ever be.
it’s hard being alone in the care - maybe even just being there for him - let him vent or send him something to let him know he is important and needs to care for himself. I have a husband - family and a business as well and it destroys me that my sister won’t find any time to just love on my mom. My mom have so much of herself to my sister and her kids her entire life - time - she made time for every game and dance recital etc In my eyes “everyone’s life is hard - life is hard”....but I do think everyone can find ways to give back with the gift of time. I’m not judging you - I’m just saying just take the time to drop a meal off once a month or schedule that he can get out that is from you personally. I don’t want my sisters money - nobody can replace her in the gift I know it will bring my mom.
be well and I hope you don’t feel judged as I’m just a sister who gave a lot of time to my sister and would love for her just to want to be here for me. We all need help from family.

You're not selfish. You have three young children and their care comes first.

its really sad all these seniors wanting to live on and on not thinking about how it effects everyone else. i’ll bet none of them had to taken care of their parents. people say she took care of you now it’s your turn. but that’s wrong. if they chose to hold on, then they should use their own money and pay to have someone help them. period. don’t feel
guilty because you have other commitments.

No, you are most certainly not. Minor children, spouses, and YOURSELF (this one is sadly often ignored...) come before the aging parent.

You have offered to do what you can in paying for care for her.  They declined the offer.  Case closed.

Your brother has the right to expect help from you, but it's up to you how you want to contribute.

You can do what you can do. Offering to pay for a caregiver is all that you can do given your circumstances.
It would be totally different if you were retired, no kids and were off on a vacation every other week.
You can offer to pay for caregivers. Although your mom should be paying for them and spending down her assets in case it comes to the point where she would need further care. He assets are what she saved her money for. (if she has no savings that is a different story)
You can offer to make a few meal. Make extra when you are cooking and portion them and freeze so all they have to do is heat.
You can offer to go shopping for them WHEN you are shopping for yourself.
YOU do what you can when you can do it.
If they refuse the help you offer that is on them NOT you.

I'm not trying to be a wise guy (or gal), but he isn't holding you hostage with a weapon, is he? Because if his only weapon is guilt, he has no power over you but what you allow him to have. If he threatens to never speak to you again, etc. then that will have to be the way it is. I don't know what makes him think you will be able to adequately care for you mom if you have all those other responsibilities.

If he (or Mom) doesn't like the idea of Mom being cared for by strangers, that's too bad. We don't always get what we want, and sometimes having outside help is the best, or only, option.

Your brother and Mom are not in charge of your life. You are a grown woman with responsibilities ( a lot) of her own. Brother is getting place to stay so should help with Mom or hire someone (with Mom's money ahead of any possible spend down for Medicaid). You should not spend your money - your kids or husband or you may need every penny of it. Visit your Mom, if she's able take her out now and then, take the grandkids if she is able to have company. Your only obligation to Mom is being self-sufficient yourself. Of course, be there for her, let her know your love her, etc. but leave caregiving to the pro s. (Suspect has something to do with Bathing, hygiene - but his being RN that should not be a problem - but if it is Hire someone.

@Coxie7 - I read this and absolutely felt the need to respond. Your brother and Mom have NO RIGHT to guilt you like this. I am the sole caregiver (along with my Husband) of my Mother who has dementia. My sister (no kids, no significant other) has never offered to help take care of my mother, much less offered to pay for any care my Mother receives in order to give us some respite. You are not being selfish, you are offering what you can given the responsibilities and bandwidth you have. If that's not good enough for them, that's on them. Do your best to give yourself some compassion and not let this external criticism become internal.

Each time he mentions it, repeat the offer. He knows you have children, home schooling, married, etc. No point in going through all that info. Just - you know my situation, here's my offer to help you. If that's all your offer can be at the moment - it's, at least, more than other siblings offer.

You are absolutely NOT SELFISH.

It's brother who has the issues. If he doesn't choose to avail himself of your kind offer of help in any form, then it's HIS problem.

My YB has mother living with him. He will not allow ANYONE, family or not to help mother out. She really, really needs someone to clean for her. Simple enough, right? He's talked her out of letting me or my 2 sisters clean (and we're just talking light dusting and sweeping up after her filthy birds and sanitizing the bathroom) he blows a head gasket if we even bring it up--literally screaming at us. He has some serious problems with mom's care being 'jobbed out' but he won't let FAMILY help.

I stopped feeling selfish or guilty a long time ago. Mother won't stand up to him and say "I NEED my place cleaned, T and B are coming on Tuesday". She is scared of him, to be honest.

It's not selfish to put your family and yourself in first place. Giving when you have no reserves with which to give is a sure downhill ride.

Your brother being single and childfree has no bearing on this whatsoever. His life outside of caring for your mother may be as fraught with responsibilities as your life is. We have to stop assuming that being single and childfree means that one's life is automatically given over to caregiving while having a family is essentially a "get out of the jail free card." That being said, your feeling that you cannot care for her is legitimate, and your offer of paying for an in-home caregiver is also legitimate and more than fair and should be considered by your mother. There will come a time when--even if you did care for her--you would have to accept assistance from another source. What you may want to consider is visiting her and offering her emotional support or even a hot meal. Since you don't mention her level of ability/disability, it's hard to ascertain how much care she needs. Make yourself available to her, but you don't have to give up your life in caregiving---there are various ways to be involved. Good luck!

Bless you. Brother is single, you have a family really hasn’t a bearing in the e discussion. Caring fir her is a 3 person full time job. So is job, and so is being a wife, mother, and partner.
can you work out a rotating schedule for caregivers?
if not, work it out on paper- with an additional person.
if he doesn’t want to do it, then he can pay for his days, you can pay for yours.
private paid caregivers are a blessing IMO.

Your mother & brother are the ones being unreasonable here, yet YOU are the one asking if you're selfish? No, you're not selfish. They are. Putting labels on daughters as being the ones with the 'duty' and 'obligation' to care for aging parents is flat out wrong, period. Furthermore, I would not be offering to pay all the costs for your mom's care either, because your first responsibility is to your husband and children, not to your mother, who should have made plans for her care in old age.

Please don't let them play the guilt card on you here; let them know it won't work. What's important is that your mother's NEEDS are seen to, her 'wants' are secondary. I like to say that I want to win the lottery, I need air and food to live. Big difference, huh?

Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with your REAL duties in life and letting all the rest of it go.

If they are Christian they need to read Matthew 19:5, "That is why a man will leave his father and mother and will stick to his wife and the two will be one flesh"(modern speech translation). Your obligation to your family comes before your mother. You would be taking care of her, just at a distance.

When I was a baby I am sure that it wasn't always convenient for my mother to care for my needs. There were nine of us. But she changed my diapers, bathed me, spoon fed me, cared for me when I was sick and a million other things that made me feel like I was a part of her family, I was not alone. Imagine how scary it would have been for me if I didn't have her, if she had paid a baby sitter to care for my needs when I was in need of my mother. Now mother needs someone to do many of the same things for her. It now falls to the children that she loves and cared for to be responsible for her needs. Getting old is a very difficult way of life and being near our loved ones makes each indignity and illness worth the struggle to desire to live another day. She needs to know that her children celebrate the fact that she is their mother and still alive. Taking care of an ailing parent should not be seen, as something we are obligated to do out of guilt or even necessity. Caring for an aging parent is a privilege. It's hard work. It's thanking them for life, for their sacrifices, and their love throughout our lifetime, thanking them from for being our parent and it teaches our own children and others how real love operates. Real love is perpetual, reciprocal, appreciative and it cost some of our time. Real love celebrates the opportunity to interact with the well-being of our loved ones. Real love makes a way, makes the time and cherishes the chance to make memories with a parent realizing that one day memories will be all that we have left. There isn't a choice only an opportunity to sacrifice. But if you don't love your mother and your brother just forget everything that I just said because they are both better off without having someone there who doesn't want to be. With love comes peace, and if there is no peaceful resolution to the delima there is no love and it would be better to just stay away and allow her to die with her memories of better times.

No you have enough responsibilities...she needs to get used to other people caring for her. Brother needs a break desperately. Hugs 🤗

Imho, that is a stereotypical mindset that only daughters can be caregivers to their parents.

You are not being selfish; you are being realistic about your current work load. Let the rest of the family know exactly what types of care you are able to provide. Do not let other family members bully you into trying to do more than you can already handle.

I suggest that you ask for a family meeting to discuss Mom's care. Ask your RN brother to outline all the care tasks that mom needs help with - should be super easy for him to do (I am an RN too). Let each family member decide which tasks her or she can help with and when. Any tasks that are not covered should have a firm discussion with mom "that nobody can do this for you." She will have to accept help from either a friend, member of faith community or paid help.

BTW, your brother is probably not comfortable with bathing his mom; a bidet attachment to the toilet would make bottom care a whole lot easier for everybody.

Pay your brother what you would give any other care provider.

I read your only other post on the site:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/brother-has-poa-for-our-mother-theyre-both-hoarders-i-want-her-to-live-with-me-he-wont-let-her-452376.htm?orderby=recent

At that point, you were willing to take her in. Are you still?

Are you selfish, no but if you read what you wrote and did not involve APS as suggested, you are being neglectful.

Your brother is employed as a nurse...sounds like. When I read your narrative...you are not going to last to your mother's expectations'. What you are doing to yourself with....your exhaustion will advance to any number of disabilities that are "functional" and mentally harmful. It sounds like you have a "caretaker mentality". Your first obligation is to your children. Maybe when or if they come and carry you off in the ambulance your mother will have to have others help whether she wants or not. Do not let the children do anything but chores for their Grandma. They do not know how to "care give". You can have a goal..get mother to accept a caregiver. You can do that with "tuff love"...or "I can not do it...must get help...I feel like my body and mind warning me....I will not be good for anything. Be dramatic and stick with it and let your husband (he knows how serious this is to find a "caregiver" ...not someone to do physical care. Your husband can get help with Karen a care advisor how to evaluate and interview a person. Do you see Karen advertising her services? When she has read what I have read...she give you "hands on help". Your mother has done her duty for you..you are doing your duty(not getting her into a facility) by keeping her with the family. It is your husbands duty along with Karen to hire someone. Sit back and let your husband do it.