Boyfriend wants me to move in with him and elderly woman he cares for when we are married. Advice?

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I am 34, my boyfriend is 45. We are both educated people. We've been dating for almost 5 months. He is currently in a rather unique situation. About 4 years ago, he met an elderly women he met at a conference where he was a speaker. She got to know him and trust him, and wound up asking him if he would be her guardian and take care of her when she needed it. She agreed to pay him a salary. Coincidentally, a few weeks later she fell and broke her hip which limited her independence. She moved into an assisted living type situation and he had an apartment nearby. About 2 years ago, they moved to my city and actually bought a condo together. She paid for most of it, and he paid for some of it. At any rate, the condo is owned by them jointly with 'right of survivorship' and it is paid off. This woman, who is now 84, was very good with her money and makes over 100,000 per year. She also bought the condo next door, and had a caregiver move-in to help take care of her. That condo is also under right of survivorship. So if the lady dies, my boyfriend takes ownership of both condos. And if he dies, vice versa. My boyfriend lives on the top level, and the elderly lady lives on the bottom level. She doesn't enter his space. The caregiver accesses the lady's lower level apartment through the garage door. She is still competent. He is her financial and medical POA. The situation has complications. The lady's son apparently is very resentful that she asked my boyfriend to be the guardian instead of him, and constantly tries to stir up trouble, make false DSS reports, etc. At any rate, my boyfriend said that when he gets married, his wife will have to live with him in the condo since that's his job and he has to be there at night. He is very clear that he made a committment and will keep it 'until she dies or until I die'. His schedule is that he cooks for this lady monday through thursday, breakfast lunch and dinner, and her schedule can be sporadic. So basically he is tied to the house from 7am to 9pm (if her dinner goes late) and by that time he's exhausted. He does get weekends off. But, he is always 'on call' if you will, in case there is an emergency. He has 3 hired caregivers, so he is able to get breaks and vacation. One complication is that the caregiver next door is somehow under the impression that she will 'get the house' when the elderly lady dies. This is not true, but the elderly lady has been showing some cognitive deficits so I wouldn't be surprised if she said something like this in a disoriented state. The issue at hand is that my boyfriend said he would expect his wife to live with him in the condo because that's his job and he has to live there. He says he wants marriage and kids, and said that his current committment won't stand in the way of him having that. I own my own home. My dilemma is that if I moved in with him I would have no legal rights to the house if something happened to him or he died. I'd have to move out. He mentioned that he would get life insurance to make sure I was taken care of, and that I could always move back into my home. This would mean that I'd have to keep my home and continue either paying a mortgage or having renters in it, which I'm not too keen on. The other issue is that I don't particularly like the place he lives. There is absolutely no room for any of my stuff, there are a gazillion stairs to enter the condo, there is no yard at all for a kid to play in, and we have to sacrifice some privacy with the caregiver needing to access the elderly lady's space every day. We can hear the door opening and we can't really have a private conversation in certain areas of the house.. The neighborhood is a retirement community where lots of older folks live.

I love my boyfriend. He is a wonderful person and the best relationship I've ever had (and I've had a lot). We are extremely similar in values and compatibility (we both have master's degrees in the same field), and I don't want to lose him. I guess I am just looking for some advice on what legalities I need to be aware of in this situation. For example, if he dies and I keep my house, since he is her guardian, could her family somehow come after me or my house? I was pretty upset and crying after our conversation, and he said we would work it out in a way where we are both comfortable. I just don't see how I could truly feel 'at home' in a place that's not really my home and where I have no legal rights, but maybe I'm being narrow-minded. I really, really want to find a way to make it work but it seems like it could be a very complicated situation. I would love any thoughts on this. Thanks!

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You already have an inner voice warning you not to do this. Follow your inner voice, it has a lot of common sense, is not blinded by love nor overwhelmed by hormones and emotion. It's not about losing him. A man who loves you will respect your need for independent security and not ask you to give it up so he can control your life and inherit two condos.
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I have to say red flags went up when I read your post. Marriage talk after less than 5 months??? Presumably he has given up his profession to cook for this lady four days a week and that has him exhausted??? There are other caregivers and he is tied there day and night??? Medical and financial POA does not tie you to a person day and night, nor require you to cook for someone. He wants marriage and children and for you to give up your house to move into a retirement community to do this in a house where you do not have complete privacy and where there is no room for your stuff???

There are more complications than the caregiver next door - the son for one thing. The relationship he has with this lady is very strange, in my opinion, and overly dependent both ways.

You are not being narrow minded - you are seeing some very real problems. A woman needs to have her own home - not be in a home which is driven by the needs of another woman. I think you need to be very cautious. You are still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. Having master's degrees in the same field does not necessarily mean compatibility. I would never agree to moving into the condo. It does not meet your needs nor would it meet the needs of any children. I do not understand why he does not see than. It is completely possible for him to have POA, cook meals 4 days a week. and live apart from this lady, All the stairs of the condo would make life very hard for you if you moved in and had children. He is not considering your needs, but rather putting the relationship with this lady, and presumably what he will get from her, ahead of you. No woman can tolerate that for long, and I don't think you will be happy if you do.
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It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is currently "available" to date seriously or to make future commitments. He is "married" to his job. It is a noble job, but it consumes him nonetheless.

Do you want it to consume yours?

If you were dating a workaholic with a different profession, how would you feel about tying your life to his?
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I think you already know that the answer to this is DON'T DO IT!!!!! It's not like your boyfriend's job is being a nurse at a nursing home. He has a very complicated (and frankly WIERD) relationship with an older woman to whom he is not related. When you marry, one of the vows is, "forsaking ALL OTHERS," which would (and SHOULD) include this woman. She is not his mother, and even if she was I'd demand that he cut the umbilical cord. The fact that he intends to maintain this strange relationship after marriage tells me you should RUN!!!

You say you're 34. Is your dream for your life to have a loving husband and a family? In your own home? Where his priority is you and the kids? Or have you always dreamed of marrying a nice guy who has a complicated relationship with an older woman to whom he is not related who will be his #1 priority for financial reasons while you and your children come in #2 or lower? Think about it. As I said, you already know the answer. You just want someone here to tell you to go for it and everything will be OK. Well, it won't.
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Two marriages, each of which only lasted 2 years is to me another red flag, and this happened well before he met the woman he's caring for. Putting it bluntly, given his commitment to this woman and unsuccessful marriages, why would you even be considering a long-term relationship with him?

There are people who develop caregiving psychoses - you probably know more about this than I. Maybe he's one of these - compulsive caring for this woman even though she's not a relative.

I don't recall seeing anything about how old she is.

"He then became worried that she would want to get out of thier arrangement, and he felt he needed to be at home and more involved (he used to spend the night with me but rarely does so now)."

This speaks volumes to his long term intentions. Why is he so concerned about this arrangement and losing whatever income he gets from it? Even if he hasn't practiced professionaly in 10 years, he's not alone. Think of all the women who put their careers on hold while raising children. I think there's something more to this issue of being so reliant on what for someone with a masters degree is not really a good professional choice. Apparently he doesn't plan on working after she dies, either?

The fact that he "felt he needed to be at home" also speaks volumes for his commitment to her and not to you or a potential mate. I'm beginning to think Captain is right - he has his eye on her assets.

Again, sorry to be so blunt but your second post provides more insight into the situation but to me raises more red flags. However, since you do want to stick it out, be careful and protect yourself, legally and financially.
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You haven't even dated for 5 months. This isn't a good situation. Do not move in.
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He "took responsibility" because he realized he wasn't going to be able to use or manipulate you.

This is a man who has not demonstrated common sense or responsibility for himself for years, now suddenly he "agreed with everything."

He just realized the game was over.

I wouldn't expect to see much of him from now on. He'll be looking for another patsy.
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Well, I broke up with him yesterday. Feels great. I'm free!!! Although he did move back to his home, he had been driving 2.5 hours every weekend to see me and taking us out to eat. He had a security system and Internet installed at his house. He's spending money on lawyers to get his stuff back. He has been putting all this on his credit card, with no savings( not that I can judge, I don't have savings either)...and he never even looked for jobs or put a resume together...I realized he wants the easy way out, doesnt really want to work, I got disgusted with him and had to get out. I've never felt better!!
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No. Just no. Bad idea. I agree with the ladies above. everything they say. Always listen to your gut - a woman's intuition is rarely wrong.

If he loves you and wants to marry you - fine, marry you, get your own home as a couple and she is a job that he works his hours at and comes home to his wife from.

But, as Pam and Jeanne have said...a man who REALLY TRULY loves you will put YOU first. I speak from experience.

Good luck.
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I have a daughter who'll be turning 34 in November. If she were in a similar situation and came to me for advice I'd ask her one question, and caution her to think well before she answers: Do you absolutely believe he respects you? In your post you mention love and compatibility...both good beginnings in a relationship. But deep, honest, mutual respect is the foundation upon which every solid, long lasting relationship has ever been built. Without respect, love can fade, compatibility can become strained. Just going by what you've written here I get a strong sense that he is NOT respecting your hopes and wishes, and I think your intuition is already telling you something's hinky about the whole situation. Like Pam said, listen to your inner voice.
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