What do I do with my borderline personality, Narcissistic mother?

This forum is so helpful to me. I can relate to all of you from The Chronic UTIs, the dementia and the narcissism. My three siblings do absolutely nothing they haven't even called in over a year.
I'm getting a bit worn out but still plugging away. I really don't want to be a martyr he just doesn't have anyone else. To add to the difficulty we live on an island yes you read that right and Island. Beautiful but we're very isolated with constant boat issues physically it's getting more difficult for me and him to get to the mainland. I realize some stimulation would be very helpful to both of us particularly with the dementia.
He's on his fourth course of antibiotics and still can't kick the UTI entirely. We are going to urologist next week his PCP thinks it may be advisable to put him on a low-dose antibiotic everyday for the rest of his life. His deterioration has been dramatic physically and mentally. I can't find much information on long term use of antibiotic and by long-term I mean forever. I've done some reading about probiotics it's confusing to me. Thank you for all your posts so nice to know that I'm not alone in this. With many people faring far worse than we are. God bless All of You, hang in there.

Let me tell you! After having my Mom come here to live, I ordered books from Amazon, i.e. Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, and others. So true what they write..... I am 63, Mom is 92, I never knew what this narcissistic thing is until living with her 16 hours, 7 days a week ..... unbelievable, It is much too complex and difficult to summarize in a few sentences the dynamics of such a person and relationships with that person.

It is so uplifting and refreshing to read these posts and those books to come up with the epiphany that the problems REALLY. ARE. my mother's problems. She is the one who gets her nose bent out of shape if I don't agree with her, or if I have other ideas (which of course are no good because they aren't hers).

This disorder can further develop in Munchausen by proxy in which , the mother either makes the child sick, or makes them think there is something wrong with them. There is a terrific movie on TV recently "The 9th Life of Louis Drax". As I watched it, things seemed so familiar like I knew what was going to happen, and by George, I was right......exactly how I had felt like that little boy.... to escape from his mother.

Hi all! I used to be here at the forum daily, got burned up, but I am back. Mom is now 92.5, and TODAY was not good... she feels overwhelmed by the way life is going. Hates reminders, she used to welcome and be thankful for...
Lives with me and my hubby. See my profile, there are no helpers, no siblings, she's too fit and healthy physically, short term memory gone.
I'm tired.
My glaucoma is under control, that's where I left off from posting.
I hope for a better day tomorrow.
Same for you!
M88

I cannot tell all of the above bloggers how helpful it is to read posts that sound like I've written them. Just knowing I am not alone and that I am not crazy is helpful. I am a 54 year old physician and daughter of an 86 year old Borderline/Narcissistic mother. Therapy has helped immensely in coming to terms with who my mother is and how to deal with her. It was my therapist that diagnosed the Borderline/Narcissistic traits based on my descriptions and reading about this has opened doors in my mind that were previously shut- and I just always left her feeling a little crazy and confused. Thank you for the above posts. My step-father is about to die, my mother is his care taker and she is ramping up her seriously dysfunctional narcissistic behaviors right now. I am the only child near them and all I can tell others who stumble upon this website is- 1. Get help from a therapist 2. You are not crazy 3. You HAVE to set boundaries and deal with guilt. 4. There is NO changing your mother- ever. 5. Read book referenced above- Prisoners of Childhood by Alice Miller and look at Womboflight.com website about mother- daughter relationships.
Take care of yourself. You owe it to YOU- not your mother.

I have found a treasured few who understand. In general, people don't. They know someone is crazy and they think it is you.

Ginger63..unfortunately SO on point!

Speaking from my life, no one will understand you unless they were raised by a borderline/narcissistic mother, the mental pain never disappears and no one wants to listen to your tangled/twisted problem.

You have no idea what’s it like to have a borderline/narcissistic mother unless your raised by one, your mind never stops from all of the mental abuse you learn to live with, and no one wants to hear your story. Because they’ll never understand.

Again this diagnosis is untreatable. For every thing she complains about you provide an answer and according to her it will not work. Minimize your contact. Be kind to yourself and only do what you feel is right. You cannot solve this problem. Talk to a professional about it (not a psychiatrist) perhaps an LCSW or Nurse practitioner. Do not allow her to manipulate you. Hear her out. Give what help you reasonably are able to do and leave.

Wow, sounds exactly like my life. My 83 year old elderly mother lives with me and after a year of moving in she acted EXACTLY like your mom. I told her doctor that I would need to put her in a nursing home if she didn't change her narcistic attitude because I was growing tired. I'm the youngest child of 5 living children that she has and my 4 older siblings gave up on her and disowned her. Her doctor prescribed her 40 MG of Citalopram (Her happy pill) she trashes it once daily. It's a NON narcotic but it WORKS. Ask her doctor about Citalopram for your narcistic elderly mom and you'll have your life back again. Good luck

After reading so many of these comments, I am sad but happy-ish to see I am not alone.
My brother told me I didn't move far enough away. He lives in Europe, my sister is in the South US. The dark humor keeps me partially sane. My mother passed away over a year ago but I still feel beat up and stomped on. Now my husband is going through this with his mother except she is nastier. My mother was passive-aggressive and spoiled. Over time, I am understanding her and her family dynamics as she grew up. I know why she was like she was but it didn't really make it any easier. I would come home from her place and just lay down to make my heart stop beating out of my chest. I couldn't sleep for the nightmares. One thing I didn't do is move her in with me. My suggestion is HIRE HELP. A lot of it. Well worth it. It's cheaper than a nursing home and more personal. Finding a good caregiver can be difficult, but just keep trying to find one that really cares for the elderly. My prayers are with you all.

Dear Anonymous 556170, although I can understand where you are coming from, it's important to remember a couple of things. One, kids, babies, don't know any better, don't reason, they require attention and help. While older parents are adults, they are supposed to know better and to be able to reason...unless you put one of those "labels" you speak of on them (depressed, narcissistic, borderline personality, etc). See, those "labels" are not meant to insult, are meant to help understand and handle the situation better.
The second aspect to consider is that the people mentioned here didn't necessarily develop a narcissistic personality as a result of aging, they were narcissistic all their lives! Age just made it worse. So it's not all explainable because they are older, it's part of who they are, how they are.
And people that have lived all their life dealing with someone with these issues is pretty tired, emotionally and physically, by the time they have to be the caregivers of those persons that we love, but that are always ready tu hurt us..as much as they love us.
It's not insulting labels, its explanations, answers for people that in many cases have walked in the dark for too long!

Fortunately I think not only they but mostly we are a bit past that stage, JessieBelle!

It is true that loneliness is much publicised as a plague of our times and culture. Last year there was one poor old boy in Devon, I think it was, in his nineties and so fed up with being alone that he called into a radio phone-in and tearfully begged someone to give him a job. Happy ending, the story went national and he got lots of offers.

I suppose the moral is that whatever your age you're not going to find company sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself.

I don't think we want to procreate with our parents. :P

I just read an article about lonliness...lonliness makes people act the way your mom acts...is a symptom of lonliness...that is built into our beings...so we would get together and procreate...the article was long so I have not read it all.The first page had these ideas...it is a big study of lonliness, and there are more lonely people currently, than ever before.

Sigh.

Good for you, McSassy. I'm sorry that your mother went through these experiences. She was fortunate that you were prepared to make the sacrifices you did, and to appreciate the good intentions behind her - what should we say? Robust? - treatment of you.

Other people's experiences are different. There are people on this forum who have developed believing that incessant verbal, sometimes physical, abuse is normal. There are some whose parent connived at sexual abuse, and plenty whose parent went in for enthusiastic victim-blaming.

And while your nine months must have felt like plenty, and I don't belittle its value, there are caregivers who carry their different burdens not for years but for decades.

I happen to agree that there is a tendency to look for simple labels for extremely complex and variable personality and psychological traits. But one forms a suspicion, and it can be an enormous relief to know that certain patterns are recognised, predictable, manageable, comprehensible. People need a map to gauge where they are.

A close friend of mine once asked rhetorically: "at what age do you have to stop blaming your parents for how you are?" It's a very good question; but it misses the point.

The point isn't to find someone to blame. It's to understand how we got to where we are, and how to change what happens next. Not blaming, understanding.

But the process is painful. Don't, either, blame people for howling as they go through it. They hurt.

And I'm extremely sorry to read that you lost your daughter. That's a terrible thing.

These answers are all old, like five or six years old - sounds like the writers are, too. I have to ask: did all these terrible mothers you all speak of, were they diagnosed after many sessions with a psychiatrist to get the label you speak of? And, 2) did she take care of you without pay until you could care for yourself? Diapers changed? Food made? House kept up? No beating? No sexual abuse? Did she go to PTA, bake muffins, or let you invite your friends over? Was she paid to do any of the driving around, laundry folding, coaching, refereeing between you and sibs?

ALL of you kind of sound like you forgot that she did everything she asks of you is something she already did for you! She's old, she's feeble, even if she does not think she is, inside herself, she KNOWS she is. And, likely finds it frightening. Which, in turn, makes her more defensive and in turn, more sharp. Mine lost her breasts and began to die at age 41, the same age my daughter would be now if she'd not been killed in a wreck at 16.

I didn't CARE about all the mean and sad times when I heard that sound in her voice. I just left Alaska, me and my puppy, and we left for Texas. Drove day and night for 8 days. I stayed until she died 9 months later. Even though she pretty much left us with her folks when we were little, her father more or less MADE her. But on some level, I know she was relieved. I learned, after she died, that she paid them child support the entire time! AND she got us every weekend she could. Her dad/my Papaw, would not let her have us back until she remarried. 6 years later, she found her oil man and married. I wish I could've stayed at Nane and Papaw's but in the end, it was better to be with Mom and let her teach me, in her arrogant harsh way, to better myself. I did, and it paid off.

A tyrant, a Joan Crawford type mom (all the way down to the toothbrushed bathroom tiles - and ALL before the book or movie came out!) But it didn't matter at the end. I'm sorry but you all sound like my kids, the ones in their 40's mostly ... moaning and crying how life didn't prepare you to deal with a 2 yr old parent. Guess what? No one prepared our young moms to deal with 2 yr old terrors ... but she did it. YOU make it up and out ok? The wolves didn't raise you. Orrrr .... ???

My 98 year old mother with borderline narcissism is currently in hospital with dementia. She rang me yesterday, asking me to 'book her into a hotel'. She has made my life terrible with her constant abuse and put downs. Like the others above, nothing I did was ever up to scratch. I have never married and never had kids (I'm 64) and would have loved both. No-one was ever good enough to bring home. She's racist, bigoted, homophobic, hateful, spiteful and so on. For decades, I tended to put up with it because lay people kept telling me it 'was her generation'. At age 56 I thought I was going crazy and booked into 6.5 years of psychotherapy. Best investment I've ever made. Expensive, but well worth it. Then I discovered what I had been dealing with all of my life.

You DO have PTSD. And probably easily triggered anxiety and depression.
You should be more concerned about you OWN health than your mother's. She is only 80. Your mother is a narcissist and they only get worse with age. You MUST go [at least] "low contact." Do not say that it's "impossible." What would happen if you dropped dead? Life would go on and your mother would be JUST FINE, that's what would happen.

Decide what you need. Find out what services (like travel to doctor appointments) are available in her area. If she does not accept this "new world order," you CANNOT give in. You may have to put some distance between yourself and her. Your siblings are not much help because they are protecting themselves.

Please believe me, I KNOW what I'm talking about. This does NOT get better. If she trashes you, you have to let it roll off your back. Set boundaries and stick to them. If she cannot adjust to you having your own life, YOU MUST MOVE. You do NOT owe your mother your life, but if you keep giving it to her, she will gobble it up complaining all the while. She will never say [and genuinely mean] "thank you," "I'm sorry," or "I was wrong."

This may hurt, but she bore children to glorify and serve HER, not so they could grow up and have their own lives. YOUR life is of NO consequence to her and it never will be. EVER. If your life has meaning to YOU, walk out of that "quicksand" and keep walking. She has no genuine empathy and she never will--there are no "deathbed conversions" for narcissists.

Now you know. Letting her continue to use you up is now YOUR choice. Don't let her. You MATTER. Would you EVER do to your child what she is doing to you? How little would you have to care about that child to treat him/her as you mother treats you? You are doing what you are doing because deep down, your "child mind" reasons that if you please her enough, one day you will have "earned" her love and she will be a loving, normal, mommy who loves you just as you are, no matter what.

That will NEVER happen.

She will die as she has lived, and you will STILL feel like a failure, a disappointment. DO NOT live in "her" world ONE MORE DAY. Insist on your adult boundaries, and if that won't work, LEAVE and live in reality. You matter. It's YOUR turn to have YOUR life--but only YOU can make that happen.

Not sure if this is still an issue for you " Ceadmilifalte." I asked the same question about one year ago and began to act on some of the advice I read. One thing I started doing and still must do every day is remind myself "I do not have to listen to my Mother each time she starts the "poor pitiful me" or "no cares what happens to me" feeling sorry for herself. I simply say "it's time for me to leave" or "time to hang up the phone". Just end the conversation. I was like you thinking "how can I detach myself from my Mother?" Residents of the Senior Apartments where Mom lives say they tell her "she should be nice to me since I do everything for her." To make this long story short, now Mom uses her 'nice voice' with me most of the time even while still trying her same controlling attempts to get what she wants. When people would try to be helpful and tell me things like "it's hard for her to give up her independence, that's why she is hard to get along with." The sad fact is Mom has always been this way. As far back as my memory goes this woman has always been the same spiteful, hateful and controlling person she is today. She is my Mother and I will do all in my power to care for her and to make sure she is taken care of. It is no matter to her that I work full time. She calls me on average 4-10 times a day. I could go on and on. Remember you must take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.

I can relate. Mom is 101. I've had her living here 14 years. She has to control everything in my life. I'm sure I have PTSD. Oh and has the teeth thing and hypochondria. No one gets it unless they are in it. DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!

I read my post of Nov. 2014 and realize my mom at 98 is still pulling her narcissistic crap. The difference is 2 years later, I am reacting different. I say no, I tell her everything cannot be done in a day, also that she is not the savior of all her relatives, neighbors etc. I still get crap from her but it is a little less of a hurt for me. I just pray that I will not be this burden to my children and that I will learn from my experience with my mom.

Ceadmilifalte - how are you holding up?

From one daughter of a BPD person to another 😁

I am blown away from everyone's responses... It's like reading my own diary. I felt so alone ... thank you so very much for posting this and your responses ❤️

Bumping this back up to the top, in memory of Mom.

Ashlynne, great big {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you. As a caregiver with a very dysfunctional family, and doing the 'daughterly duties' of caregiving abusive parents, I truly understand what you're going through. At least you didn't have to go through the funeral where family tried to force you to find 'closure' with mom. {{{shudder}}} They all showered mourning to the public. All I wanted to do was leave - my duty towards mom is done. Now, I have father left to caregive.

FYI, I felt bad that I couldn't and didn't mourn mom when she passed away. About 18 months later, it finally hit me. I cried. Don't know if it was tears of sorrow, tears for 'what could have been', etc... All I know, Ashlynne, was seeing the look of mom's hatred towards me when I was middle school. I was shocked. I thought all mothers loved their children - they just don't show it. After that, I never sought affection from her. Why would I? So, I don't know why I cried - but I did. So, don't be surprised, when one day, maybe months or years later, the death of your mother will hit you. Not because you miss her or love her. Maybe it's crying out the negatives or leftovers of mom. I don't know. And if it never happens, great!!!

Bless you for your kind thoughts. I'm fine, just overwhelmed with house renos,, veggie gardens exploding and all her stuff to sort and deal with. Spent all day Saturday bagging and hauling stuff home. Some furniture and things too heavy for me came back by a local hauler guy on Monday.

In the NH they put residents names in their clothing. I went through it all and, where I could, I blacked out the name with a marker so it could go to Goodwill. Where the name was actually on the fabric it was slated to burn ... my handyman was here yesterday and took care of that. Went to the funeral home this morning and paid the bill. They will keep the ashes until I'm ready to collect and scatter. I won't have them in the house ... too creepy.

Charlie Cat (head of the Mouse Squad) was limping a bit on a hind leg and yesterday morning couldn't stand so off to the vet an hour away we went. He spent the day there and all they could figure was that something bit him. His xray was good as was blood work.

This morning he was up and about and, as I watered, he was snoozing under the bench in the greenhouse, totally oblivious to the fact that my bank manager likely won't talk to me for as while lol. Tired and didn't do much today except some cooking ... haven't eaten well the past few days. The 4 cats have gone to bed and my dogs, Sue and Ashy Girl are snoring with one eye open for me to get their bed time treats so off to bed we go. Tomorrow is another day.

(((((((Lynne)))))) Finally it is over. I am glad for you and for your mother. Peace at last!!! You have earned it many times over, There will be an adjustment period for you I expect.

I agree there is nothing you can do to change these people. My mother is 103, has vascuar dementia as well as BPD and narcissism and she is essentially the same as she always has been. We can only change ourselves and protect ourselves.

Despite her problems, you have been a good daughter. Rest in that, Keep in touch and let us know who you are,

Oh Ashlynne! Oh my goodness. May she find peace.

Are you okay?

I can relate to all of your posts. Life long my mother was a mean, selfish, manipulative narc b*tch. To outsiders she was sweetness and light, though she'd never offer anyone a helping hand and would often try to screw people over if she thought she could get away with it ... true narcs are superb actresses ... all the while treating me and my late father lower than dirt.

After three years in a nursing home with parkinsons, strokes and dementia, close to 90, she passed away last weekend. I haven't shed a tear and am finally able to sleep without hearing my blood pumping due to high blood pressure. I'm an only child and she had no friends so it falls on me to deal with everything but, as executor and POA, I pretty much had everything in place long ago.

I sold my home, quit my career and moved 200km to care for her for four years until the went into the NH and continued to run her errands, make sure her bills were paid and she had everything she needed. I've despised her life long and always avoided her if possible but I did my duty to the end. I have no regrets.

There is nothing you can do to change these people and you will never be free until you go complete no contact or they die.