She lives alone by her own choice but needs errands done, doctor visits, shopping etc done for her. You do these things and instead of a thank you, you get asked to do 5 more things on her list, and she is selfish, self centered, doesn't care what you need to do in your own life, is often mean, but can turn on a dime and be "Nice" for just a little while enough to draw you back in. If the temporary "nice" act doesn't work, then she pulls out her bag of tricks...which usually involves the "guilt" trips, or if that doesn't work, she talks bad about you to your siblings and such. Sometimes she does a bold faced lies to draw you in or to shame you back into her corner. She is so manipulative and abusive, I don't even know what is real or not anymore when it comes to her. It is a nightmare. She has always been like this. She just happens to be a little worse now that she has turned 80. It hurts to be around her, and it hurts to try to create some space because she feels like I am an "extension" of herself to be bullied and bossed around. Like she is entitled to do this I know I have a duty to care for my elderly mother but she really makes it excruciatingly difficult. . I feel burnt out by her and feel as if I have PTSD symptoms. I feel like I am sinking into quick sand. It is a no win situation. It breaks my heart. I want to help her, but she is literally making me ill in body mind and soul. Do we owe that to our parents? How do you stop the madness with out having to cut her off altogether. I really can't do that anyway cause I know she needs me but she is very abusive and unrelenting in her demands . She is all absorbing of my time, health and energy. I am burnt out now and just sad over this whole thing. My siblings are of minimal help. That is a given even though I told them how exhausted I am. I just can't keep up this pace anymore.
parent[s] with bipolar/borderline/split personality/narcissistic, etc. abusive.
It is directly related to how they were treated as children.
And the beat goes on.
How much are next generations able to stop the behaviors from repeating to next generations, is a crap-shoot, when nothing truly proactive gets done to stop it.
At least now, we have far better understanding of what causes it,
LOADS more options for counseling and treatment,
and supports like this group and so many others!
IF our society fails to turn the epic tide of repeated abusive behaviors,
society is destined to keep repeating the terrible situations.
Recently, I learned that in [[Denmark?]],
a program was started, in which a nurse or social worker was assigned to each home with a newborn, to make weekly visits to the homes, until the child reached age 5, helping the parents cope and learn better coping skills.
Results? Astonishing.
That intervention alone, cut rates of child abuse by 100%,
and spousal abuse was cut by something like 95%.
Evidently, something like that was tried in the USA,
but because it was too costly, it was cut.
NEVER MIND the far-reaching effects of that in reducing medical, psych, work related, etc. far reaching good it did
--the officials over-seeing the programs, cut them, to save budget money up front.
Cutting those programs cost society so much,
so far-reaching are the costs, it is heartbreaking.
Just think, a single program like that, could turn society around entirely, in only about 30 years time, stopping almost all child and spouse abuse.
Just doing it for 30 years, for all children/families for the 1st 5 years of life,
could possibly almost get rid of abuse entirely, nearly for good and all.
THAT would be miraculous, so drastically could it reduce so many expensive consequences that are the fallout of abuse.
Sorry--I had written a great response for you, but the computer lost it in a blink!
Guess that is the universe telling me to do a better job of it!
Your Mom was abused, in some way, whether it is clear to you or not.
Being hte last of 9 kids? YA. That's a guarantee for things to go haywire, by itself.
But she didn't get how she is out of nowhere.
People can be badly programmed [early childhood development], by parents unable to do their best, since they do not know how, either, and get poor assistance.
IF there is any shade of mental illness, that badly complicates things.
Mental illness was a hush-hush thing then--it was ignored, coped [badly] with, and kept quiet for generations--IF it got referred to at all, it might be called "her moods", or "he was always strange", for instance.
My Gma wrung her hands, worrying who would take care of her daughter, when she was gone.
How we get programmed in early childhood, is rarely perfectly laid foundation stones--usually, there is some amount of crooked foundations laid, and it effects how we learn everything else for life.....it's kinda like "DOS" in PC's--they have to have a basic DOS system, for everything else to work on.
Bad DOS = unstable everything else that comes after it.
YOU? Me? HA! Yes, we were programmed poorly.
Our parents failed to put down good foundations for us, and we either become bullies, taking advantage of others who aren't, or we become "codependent"--those who strive to make things go nice, but in the process, we end up getting hurt, repeatedly. And not knowing quite what got us to that point. We see ourselves as wounded caring altruistic people--big hearts.
We get into repeated relationships with similar characteristics.
Go out of our way to help others, yet, cannot seem to get the care we need from others--not reliably.
Our dysfunctional parents are not likely to change themselves; only we can change our own selves. It is a wonder your Mom could tell you why she did as she did...not all of them can--most simply refuse to acknowledge it.
My Mom managed to do a few very wonderful things in my childhood--
I treasure those memories--but her being here for years, nearly destroyed any memory of those in the process of her grinding, merciless destruction of my relations with my sibs--she did it.
She couldn't help how she was--her chemistry was badly tweaked, and, she was abused as a child, and was mentally ill--her mom and aunts knew it,but it was never spoken of---just worried about.
I knew Mom was different, even as a little kid, and there was nothing to forgive--things just were as they were--make the best of it.
But I had to leave as a young teen--and mostly kept distant, to protect myself, and to protect my kids from her behaviors..
'Even so, they seem to have been also infected with some bits of those behaviors. I only pray they can manage to use them for good, and not for bad.
I keep myself some distant, too, fearing to influence my grandkids even remotely--I fear that somehow, it might come thru me to them, too.
There is nothing I would love to do more, than to be a cohesive family and be hands-on Gma...I just cannot do it.
One dau. is still angry, percolating under the calm facade; something in her very much fears my being anywhere near her for very long. She got into trouble as a teen, and has not healed fro that fully, either. And, she was abused by a strange person as a toddler, too.
IT is a miracle she turned out as wonderful as she managed--she did such hard work to get back on track!
I do not have a mean bone in me either.
Never hit, avoided arguments.
Didn't even like debates.
Tried to stick with reason, logic.
Yet, by some perverse osmosis, things percolate thru generations, unguided.
But this is how things go from one generation to next ones.
Good people behaving badly.
This is why we need proactive measures, like those creche programs in Denmark, to reverse those behaviors for a few generations, to break that bad programming.
AND, we need to seriously pay attention to what all the chemicals, GMO foods, and etc. stressors, are doing to our minds--and stop that damage, too.
Long ago, scientists studied dense populations minutely, to see what happens to those crammed together too tightly....they KNEW whether it was rats, dogs, people--any creature---densely populated, would start killing each other off, bullying, tramping on people, destroying dreams and goals---very competitive--they knew this long ago, yet, nothing has been done to remedy that condition from happening.
We are assisting our best and brightest to be destroyed--in wars, by all levels of bullying--heck, even those tho have been bullied, can bully, and never even know they are doing it. Those who preach against bullying, do it, in moments of their overwhelm with their own personal circumstances they lash out.
It is destroying us.
Just know, that there are abusers and those who help them stay that way.
Kinda Co-dependent.
We not exactly allow them to be that way, but, because of how we were programmed as children, we are positioned to do so.
As long as the abusers keep getting away with it, based on how we allow them to do it, letting fear run us, and misguided guilt and other things, it keeps happening.
We were programmed to NOT see the train coming about to hit us.
AND, since each train is different in appearance,
we fail to see subsequent ones coming too
....making repeated abusive relationships happen so easily--it is certainly NOT what we are trying to do! .
We need help to learn how to see those signals.
Abusers ALWAYS give signals--some overt, some not so clear.
Counseling helps--if the 1st one fails to help enuf fast enuf, find another.
Seek help online about PTSD, depression, mind-control..
Find a counselor who can help you process that using EMDR.
EMDR has been shown to be most effective in processing old stuff, to at least reduce the triggers , so we can find better lives for ourselves.
Sit quietly with yourself, and think: what is Love, to me?
What does it look like?
What do any of the Good Books tell us Love is?
Above all, real Love is unconditional, heals, cares, has compassion.
What else does it mean for you, personally?
Whatever it is, it is opposite to fear.
Fear thinks it is strong, but it is not--it is wimpy in the face of love.
There are only 2 basic emotions--love, and fear.
EVERYTHing else is based upon those two.
Negative emotions are based on fear.
Positive emotions are based on Love.
Love conquers all, it is said.
Depression and anxiety build feelings of self-loathing, guit, and it becomes a creature chasing it's tale. Any of us who have felt beaten to the point of wishing to die, in any form, need help.
We need to find people around us who care for us, even if our families couldn't.
Build those around you like your armament, and get help to learn better coping skills.....sometimes it takes some time--but it is worth doing.
Since you are still here, there is still work for you to do.
MAYBE it has something to do with learning better coping skills.
IF your kids see you coping better, maybe they will too.
You may need to cut connections with those who insist on being abusive.
I had to--They left me, I let them go.
Every time I think I feel compelled to return --beg to return--to their fold,
I have to "STOP!" And think how things have been, repeatedly
--and let them go.
I feel too fragile to allow any of that in my life now.
You might need to do some of that too.
But it is something only you can decide, and it must be based on learning better coping skills--and better ways to identify behaviors of those who cannot help themselves from doing us harm, so we can avoid them doing that to us repeatedly.
Love is kind.
Love is NOT a martyr.
People in most places do not know what a real martyr is.
Allowing others to destroy us, is not being a martyr, unless it serves a far greater purpose to the many.
Doing it for one or a few, is just letting them perpetrate bad behavior indefinitely.
There are loads of resources online, and in libraries, to learn more about abusive relationships and how to recognize them, how to heal from them, too.
The world will not end if you stop visiting Mom at the NH, to stop her from giving you more abuse.
Your guilt is not your own--they have a deft way of making their guilt, ours.
{{{hugs!}}}
I pray you find these, and fast!!
How much genetics, milieu or learned behaviors influence development of mental or personality disorders, is not written in stone.
There is much that science does not know; but we know far more than 50 or 60 years ago.
To blur it further, Epigenomics--science of how environmental things like famine, diet, chemical exposures, stress, etc., shows how milieu /environment actually changes how genes express themselves
...and, that the gene-switches are not simple "on-off" switches, but more like rheostats in how those function.
This means that when a Doc claims "nothing can be done, it's a genetic problem" may not be entirely true anymore.
For years, genes have been considered the one and only way biological traits could be passed down through generations of organisms. Not anymore.
Non-genetic variation acquired during the life of an organism can sometimes be passed on to offspring—a phenomenon known as epigenetic inheritance.
Yes, bipolar as we know it, has genetic parts;
however, even with things as we know them so far, if a person is in an optimal environment, they might have a better chance to have a milder manifestation, and better ability to cope with life.
Personality disorders, as described below, ALSO has some genetic connections, which also can be modified according to environment.
How much is genetic, and how much is milieu, is still a matter of argument and study. This may have something to do with why it is so hard to create meds that consistently work decently, for a long period of time; it is common for meds to stop working after some months, or, for the right person, might work decently for years.
There is also plenty of science that supports using nutritional approaches for relieving mental disorders, even those we thought were genetic.
One such is simply adding large amounts of Vit. D3, according to blood levels tested, to get levels above 50, which often relieves depression [and guards against many other illnesses].
Just lots yet to learn about how things work.
Excerpts:
Personality Disorders:
"Despite difficulties in defining personality disorder, it appears many types of personality disorder, in particular schizotypal personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder/criminality, are also influenced genetically.
The genetic transmission of normal personality traits and disorder is most easily explained by the contribution of multiple genes of small effect rather than by single-gene inheritance. Recent advances in molecular genetics have led to the localization of genes of minor effect for some traits. This raises the possibility of detecting a molecular basis of traits and disorders such as personality and personality disorder."
Bipolar:
"The extreme mood swings of bipolar disorder have long been treated by medication management. Though the cause of the disorder is not known, scientists now believe that it is the combined result of many factors. There are many environmental influences that impact the progression of the disease. Understanding these influences empowers the patient as well as the medical provider to make choices that maximize positive treatment results...."
Peace in the heart is sometimes a challenge to come by.
But striving for that, good even so.
Unless the profession is faster to progress than the medical profession, I wouldn't hold my breath that anything would change substantively.
But, as the comic once stated, "It Could Happen!"
There is so much good change needed, across the board.
But some things that influence how people are able to function, may never be recognized.
Exactly right in what you posted!!! And nicely succinct!
Wish I could have done that better with mine...it didn't work.
All the best training was for naught.
Only thing left, was do something to trigger other sibs to move her out of our home. It was traumatic, and the pain is still there.
Mom managed to destroy family connections so well, there is likely no repair.
So be it. They left, they cut me off, they choose to not communicate--
I finally let them--just quit trying to make things get better..let them.
You do what you must to survive--to save yourself.
THAT is what is appropriate, NOT letting the sick ones take you down with them.
{{{hugs!}}}
I am willing to help my mother where needed. I drive her to most of the places she needs to go to.... doctor appointments, medical tests, mall shopping, etc, and help her when she is sick. We (children and spouses) go over to her house and do minor maintenance (change light bulbs & fix other minor problems that we can handle). When she is talking to me sometimes, she is almost in tears because she "needs someone to help her with all the yard maintenance". I have tried to get her to downsize and/or move into a retirement facility, but she WILL NOT do it. She is not willing to move into a smaller space. I feel like she made the choice to move to her high-maintenance home, and she has no one to blame but herself. But she is constantly nagging and complaining about the yardwork she has to do. I just reply with, "I will help you pay for it". But that is not what SHE wants. She wants us to do it. It is like she is not willing to do anything that makes it any easier for us to help her. She lives alone, and she won't even agree to have a life-alert type alarm system installed so that she can contact someone if she gets hurt and needs help. If we ever suggest anything helpful, she is always so negative and unwilling to agree to anything that would remotely help things be easier for all of us (including her). I have to call and check on her everyday, and listen to the same conversation, the same complaints, and the same negativity, day in and day out. Because she is unwilling to compromise in any way, then I refuse to feel guilty about it, even though she tries really hard to act like everything is all my fault and that nobody helps her.
You are doing what is reasonable, she is not. She is making her choices, and choices have consequences. I don't think normal, mentally healthy parents do what yours did/do. They make "sensible" decisions, and don't make impossible demands on their children. My sig other's parents moved off the farm to town when he (dad)needed a pacemaker. Now, many years later, they have just moved into an ALF, with a nursing home attached. It makes sense. Even my mother, who is narcissitic, and has BPD moved into an ALF a few years ago. Mind you, she couldn't get along with people there, so 6 months later moved again. I have POA and told her I would not move her again, as if she could not get along there, she must need a nursing home. She still complains, but I don't listen much and don't keep very close contact with her, because it is all complaining, and negativity. She is well looked after by others, though would have me do it all, even from a distance, but I can't and won't. My health has been affected by stress from her in the past.
To all, look after yourselves. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, my mother would survive, and so would yours, if you were. ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and pat yourselves on the back for doing a good job!
I can't imagine asking my son to come over and do the yard work. Of course my husband and I are here together and are able to do what needs to be done, but someday we will have to hire help or downsize and be free of the work. Right now, I tend to think it keeps us active and the environment is always a joy to us.
Sorry your mom is such a complainer. Don't let her put the burden on you.
Best wishes, Cattails.
I used to think that having the yard to work in was good for her. She has a great eye for designing a landscape. and has always taken pride in having the nicest yard in the neighborhood. That has been her main hobby for as long as I can remember. Before my dad died, she always had him to help her with the really tough work, but now it is too much for her to do by herself. I just wish she would be willing to compromise a little and move to a smaller place, but she is not willing.
There is a thread on AC, "My mom is mean and hateful, etc. and the woman who started it is named Lisa, however she goes by Survived2, now. And she is a survivor. It's a long thread, but a fascinating read. She made changes, removed her mom from her home. She is an inspiration, as is her family. Life can get better. I hope you can make time to read that thread and see if you can find something in it to help you. Blessings.
My heart goes out to you!!! You could be describing my Mom & our situation.
My Mom lived under our roof for 6 years. It was definitely a learning op... mind, emotion & soul-shattering gas-lighting was constant the whole time.
I knew she'd always been that, BUT...I knew pretty much why & how she got how she was [chronic, low-grade hypothyroid; familial mental issues & abuses; brain injuries from a number of concussions from abuses; alcohol & pill use...then finally, oncoming dementias--who knows? maybe she also is harboring some long-percolating variant of spongiform encephalitis???]
She had nowhere else she was willing to go; I'd promised relatives I'd take care of her, long ago; other siblings [being raised/indoctrinated by her...] all passively let her be moved in with us...hundreds of miles from any of them, THEN started saying stuff like, "Why did you move her w/you? She could have stayed with us..." [even though he'd said not, before, & made no effort to prevent the move; & Mom had said she couldn't tolerate living with them]; other sibs had their own ills/ailments/dysfunctions, so they 'let her' move with us--then started saying similar things as that one--likely based on things Mom told them in conversations via her phone.
ALL of them had larger homes, more income to afford Mom staying w/them than we did--but ALL of them had spent far more time under her roof growing up, & played her games adeptly.
Mom was -almost- polite [though highly manipulative] the 1st couple years, ramping up tricks the last 4, finally becoming physically abusive to me the last 2 yrs; divisively, permanently separating me from other siblings, destroying family relations using her tactics--they all pretty much stopped talking w/me at least 2 years prior to her move out, & more silent since she moved out.
Not holding breath here--totally unwilling to allow them to suck me back down their rabbit holes--it's taken a lifetime to learn how that game has been being played for almost 60 years.
ALL kids need/want loving, nurturing, safe family relations--but no amount of wishing can ever create them where they never really existed!
All we can do is find/treasure the remnants of any good memories, save/focus on those while protecting ourselves from people who would shatter us.
Notes:
==It's common for 1 child to be singled out from other siblings & treated badly/abused, when 1 or both parents & maybe also grandparents have behavior patterns like these, especially if there has been 1 or more divorce & money troubles [which are almost guaranteed].
==A targeted child will be conditioned to believe that if they only comply w/these parent's demands, if they just do everything perfectly, they too, will be loved & nurtured. Only it never works--they might get brief compliments, but the backwash is always negative & pervasive.
==The behaviors of the parent[s] will appear, on the surface, as sweet, innocent, loving, but there will be fine nuances that destroy those positives, almost immediately.
=="Gas-lighting" behaviors of disturbed parents are so clever/subtle, it is usually missed by most witnesses, allowing abusive nuances to occur in full view, making witnesses believe everything is fine--ramping up behind closed doors.
==NO amount of higher education/training a targeted person has, IF these behaviors existed all their life, will protect / exempt them from potentially feeling destroyed by, &/or physically sickened by, those behaviors directed at them by someone like that.
==Experts have largely denied, ignored, or otherwise been unhelpful, for those experiencing these issues; this has existed indefinitely, though improving the last 10 yrs or so--but if one never finds that information, or doesn't get it in terms they understand, they still are unhelped by any of the newer information percolating through the psychology fields--that includes most Doctors.
Our situation's fallout:
Our disabled adult child moved out [perhaps a good thing] to avoid Mom's behaviors, & never would return.
My spouse & I nearly ended in divorce. We nearly got evicted.
My spouse & I both lost our health in dire ways.
We had to buy a car to drive her around every few days--everything is a far commute from where we live, so shopping for just about anything requires about a 40 mile round-trip commute--or more [our debt load increased]--ALL directly due to Mom's behaviors.
She convinced sibs she'd gifted me large amounts of money & conversely, that I'd stolen huge amounts; denied I'd sent her money for many years to help them have enough to eat...yet, the "rent" she paid to help with her living expenses for more than 5 of her 6 yrs here, essentially, almost exactly, repaid that money--money she argued over, said she'd paid but didn't, guilted, moaned & complained before grudgingly handing it to me later & later each month.
She said I forced her to pay it, said I'd stolen it, said she paid it when she didn't....OY!...This is only superficial highlights, more pleasantly worded.
From what's been contributed on this site, it's glaringly clear these types of behaviors are pretty common.
It's common for kids/adults to feel enormously damaged, like nothing will ever heal--feeling far too shattered--can't find enough pieces of self to reassemble.
The take-aways:
This site has been VERY helpful in learning to identify behaviors for what they are, understand they are NOT the caregiver's fault, Learn that our elder's behaviors are just their own ways to deal with life--though terribly nonconstructive; find compassion & understanding for the trials & tribulations we go through--AND what our elder's have been through; find constructive help / advice to assist handling it better, etc.
I didn't stumble over this site until some months after Mom had maneuvered to get moved out of here. It has been a live-saver. It has taken EVERY scrap of counseling, time, hooking-up with others with experience, over the last 2+ years, to find enough pieces of shattered self to glue me back together enough to function.
With effort, counseling, & compassionate interaction with others who have walked this path, I believe those going through it can also find path to healing themselves, and become stronger than before.
It does require making choices that might be very different from ones we might have made before going through this, or from any made before to cope with those behaviors in others.
Even when it feels like there's no healing possible, there really IS.
==Get them OUT of your house, if they live under your roof.
==FIND a multiple resources to help them [instead of you] for rides, assists, home help aids, etc. to give yourself a break from them, to limit their access to you. Check with your local Area Agency on Aging--they have a huge scope of helps.
==COMMUNICATE only in writing--paper letters or e-mail, so there is a record they can re-read, to decrease misunderstanding of things said--for both parties [because once someone's been shattered like that, BOTH parties barely speak same language anymore, & misunderstandings escalate].
==SET LIMITS on all others' use of your time, energy, resources that are realistic for yourself [not necessarily for others!]
==You cannot change others, much less a dysfunctional parent.
Each person can only choose to change themselves; you can only go so far to help someone else change themselves--if they can't or won't, then stop throwing yourself against their 'brick wall'!
==You can choose to change yourself; by helping get yourself straightened out & functioning well, others must also change.
What that eventually looks like remains to be seen--sometimes others affected by your personal changes become better--sometimes it only means we view their behaviors from a more functional perspective; & sometimes they leave our lives to find others willing to play their games.
Healing CAN happen, even after being utterly shattered, repeatedly over a lifetime. What it looks like may take completely unexpected forms--we just didn't recognize them before the healing path commenced.
I pray you find that healing, soon!
Now that she's living in my home and causing no end of trouble and stress, pitching hissy fits, threats, and doing some Academy award winning performances nightly, the detachment is critical. My kids (teens) go straight to their rooms to avoid her. I am the only person who will spend any time with her in the evening, and I limit that. I go to "bed" early. My kids come into my room and we snuggle & watch TV together upstairs until real bedtime. My husband stays in his man-cave until bedtime.
She is mean as a snake and twice as ugly, as they say back home. I feel like my responsibility is to see to her safety and that is all. She will be safe in the place we are putting her. There's food, medical people if needed, and activities. It doesn't have to be me. I am not out to see her happy or well-adjusted or even comfortable, since she never has been and never will be any of those things. I don't care if she makes friends or not. She will be safe and fed. That's the beginning and end of my obligation and interest.
I'm an only child, and my husband is my hero through this. Mom was really acting up last night, and I laid down the law. You have two choices: behave and be a good example OR go to your room and shut the door. I will not tolerate bratty, spoiled, ugly behavior in my home from anybody. You will absolutely not meddle in my marriage by bad-mouthing my husband. That man is a saint for letting you move in, doing a lot of hard labor for the move that cost him precious vacation time, and keeping his opinions to himself about you. That's the way it's going to be - the end.
My punishment later in the evening was for her "fall" on the stairs. She didn't really fall. There was no "thud". She beat on the wall with her fist and sat down on the stairs and pretended she couldn't talk or move, just whine and make animal noises. I think she was trying to trick me into thinking she had a stroke, but she didn't show real stroke signs. I've seen stroke and that was not it. She got herself into an office chair using both arms and I pushed her into her room to go to bed. When I reached for one of her 17 pill bottles, she suddenly regained the ability to talk to tell me in a very nasty voice to put her bottles right back and don't move them. Miraculous!
She took one of every kind, regardless of the Rx instructions or me repeating what the bottle said or that whichever one was not for night time. Whatever. I made her lie down. I turned off the lights and told her she was to shut her eyes, go to sleep, and be good in the morning.
This morning, the show went on. She said she couldn't sit up and had wet the bed big time. Again, I went to pick up pill bottles and another miracle happened - she sat up! It took a lot of hollering and moaning and wailing, but she did it. I made her sit up to clear her lungs (no, you don't have pneumonia) and she did walk into the bathroom to change herself out of the wet PJs, accompanied by a few verses of "Why Lord do you make me keep living?" and everybody's favorite "I wish I was dead". No comment! By the way, there was no bruise or mark of any kind on her leg or butt where she said she fell. This woman bruises if you look at her hard, so I really don't buy the fall routine this time.
She has a long history of punishing me & my dad (when he was alive), with medical episodes of one kind or another. If she's ticked or didn't get her way, look out. The strange thing is, if you offer to call 911 or take her to the ER or call the doctor, it all seems to clear up very rapidly. Interesting. She faked a heart attack at Stone Mountain on our vacation when I was about 10, faked a suicide attempt the night I was supposed to go to prom, another fake heart attack on my wedding day, and "fell" on the stairs holding my newborn son. She's cried wolf so often, nobody believes her anymore, so nobody comes running, which ticks her off extra. No, I never let her hold any of my babies again.
She went between "don't leave me here" and "get the h- - - away from me" several times in the span of about 10 minutes. I never touched her, I just offered her my arm for support, which she didn't want, and kept asking what kind of help do you want? None? Well OK. I have to get going to work then. Good luck with everything.
OMG! I feel for your being an only child, having to deal with your Mom's bad behaviors! Your descriptions of her antics sound soooo familiar!
I really like your "bubble"--wish I'd figured that one out in time for it to do any good, here.
At least my Mom wouldn't EVER have done anything to directly harm an infant--she always was great with babies--it was when they reach about 2 or 3 y.o., then she seemed to start projecting behaviors and things on them [most terrible child, etc.]
At least [no matter how ugly they all made it] my Mom got moved outta here after 6 years of he!!.
Your solutions for your Mom may be for moving her to a facility....not sure how...we were told that elders with bad behaviors would likely be kicked out of care facilities. [[though there sure are plenty of them in them]].
As long as Mom is kept safe, fed, tended to, your limit setting is a good thing.
She's got enough of her reasoning abilities still, she surely can understand limits--though,
from her behaviors described, she's probly not had anyone set --reasonable-- limits on her in her whole life---a history of trying to survive a bad family life, usually begets strange coping mechanisms--hers being dramatic scenes trying to grab attention & manipulate others.
I pray your limit-setting starts working better, soon; not holding breath though. Keep up your good work!
Mom is moving out of our house to an apartment in a continuum care facility week after next. The upgrade work that unit needed will be done by then, and she is sufficiently miserable in our house that she really does want to move out. She hates it with us because I make her get up, get dressed, and eat food, not just peanut butter crackers in PJs all day long. I don't coddle or baby her. Every morning it's "I don't know if I can sit up" or "I don't think I can sit up". But she inevitably does after a bit of rolling around on the bed, ugly faces, and whining. I just remind her that I am not in physical condition to sit her up, so she's just going to have to try to do it again today. Use your tummy, not your back.
You would think that waking up in soaked PJs, Depends + 3 Poise Pads would be a great incentive to get moving and get out of all that.