Blood pressure spikes when my mom is around. For real! What to do?

Tell your doctor what you wrote here so he/she can decide best med to give .
Are you getting respite ? How about going to a support group ? Why are you “stuck being a caregiver “? Do your parents have funds to hire an aide to give you a break ?

Yes, you need to go to the doctor and ask about stroke prevention.

Don’t take your mother’s crap.

Good luck! My blood pressure pills went up to the max dosage when I was a caregiver for my mom.

Stress affects us in different ways.

My pressure certainly went up during stressful times. I have been able to manage it so much better now.

Mom died in 2021. I was her primary caregiver.

Get a physical.Something else could be going on with you.We tend to forget that when we are caring for someone else.Whos gonna step in if you are sick?
Time to get some help in the house just in case and to give you a much needed break.

Time to find a nice place for Mom if she has the money. This stress is causing u anxiety, not good for you.

I would personally get unstuck fast.
This is affecting your health and your one life. That is your priority, for when you are debilitated by a stroke your mother will be without your care; so why not address the issue before that point.

Meanwhile recent studies are showing that simply eliminating any added salt from your diet works as well as most medications for BP.
You cannot avoid much of it that is in food other than giving up (in my own case) those beloved Old Fashioned Potato Chips from Trader Joe's, but you can stop putting more salt into and on your food.

Be sure to get exercise. It lowers blood pressure for many.
Good luck. Only YOU can make best choices for your life and your health and happiness.

Why are you "stuck being a caregiver"? Can you place her in a memory care facility or assisted living?
Yes, you should definitely see a Doctor, but rather than tell them that you need meds, why not let the doctor decide what you need?

As far as relieving your stress, everyone is different and finds their own way of relieving stress, depending on what makes you feel good. Definitely removing yourself from the situation for a while will help. Do something you like. Take a walk, visit with a friend, go shopping, or to a movie.

Ideally, you would get out of this situation. However, as someone who is stuck myself, I understand your dilemma. I began having palpitations around my
mother. I could feel them, and they were picked up by her BP monitor. I had a full cardiac work up, and they were attributed to stress and caffeine. My PCP said I must manage the stress, or the subsequent inflammation it causes in my body would affect my other health issues. So far I’ve tried and anxiety med, that’s not much help. I do sleep well when I take it.
I think your BP issue warrants a Dr visit, and I hope you can find a way out!

My mother had high blood pressure for years. Her life ended after a series of brutal strokes, as did her mother’s before her. I’ve had extensive conversations with my doctor about trying to avoid the same fate, not that I think I’m getting out of here alive, just that I’ve seen the devastation of strokes and hugely don’t want it. The number one thing I’m told is “keep your blood pressure down” No way I’d allow myself in a position to watch my blood pressure rise and rise due to the stress. I’d flee and others better suited to provide care would have to be found. I’m no sacrificial lamb, and if that’s selfish, so be it. Please consider what this may cost you, and if your mother were healthy and whole if she’d ever want that fate for you

While my DH was caring for his mom--all last year and into this--my SVT came back (supra ventricular tachycardia--too many, too fast heartbeats.) I had had an atrial ablation to get these under control and it worked great..UNTIL the stress of DH's mom came into our lives.

Back on a beta blocker and bunch MORE tests--end result? It was all due to stress.

I was seeing my cardiologist and she couldn't stress enough that I had to take care of ME, since nobody else could, or would.

I refused a 2nd ablation, b/c this was external-induced--same as your BP problems.

MIL died 3 weeks ago and I have not had a single 'episode' in almost a month.

And I wasn't even INVOLVED with her care. It's what she did to DH--the constant, unending stress that I would 'feel' myself. Also, Dh was not real nice to me during this time as he was stressed out.

I'm learning, slowly to take care of me. At 67, it's time, I think.

It took OB who simply stepped up one day and said "This is madness, we're putting mom in a home" And like the sheep they are, DH and YS just followed where OB led them. (Come to find out, he was having heart problems and was not in the mood to let his mother kill him with stress.)

Please do listen to your body!

I understand all too well. There are certain people that when I'm around them I feel like my head is going to explode. Not to mention my neck and shoulders get so tight that I feel like I'm in a vice. I haven't checked my blood pressure at those times but I'm sure it goes up.

I've recently started going to guided meditation classes. I was a skeptic going in and to be honest so far I haven't gone into a "meditative state" but some of the principles of meditation have helped me.

If your stress is triggered by a certain person then what you need to do is probably obvious but if you can't isolate from that person then I would concentrate on the healthy things you are doing. i.e. exercising etc. Blood pressure pills would be helpful maybe but you say your blood pressure is normal when you aren't around this person so I doubt you need to start taking them. They are not without side effects. Are you taking your B vitamins? Magnesium maybe? Deep breathing exercises. Do you know someone who could relieve you from your care giving duties occasionally?

Take care.

No, you should not be asking your doctor to prescribe blood pressure meddication for you.

You should be asking a doctor how to go about getting your mother put in a memory care facility or AL.

Based on what you've stated here, your mother has serious dementia and cannot be left alone in your house or ANY house for that matter. She cannot be left alone anymore.

Taking care of her has become detrimential to your health. It happens.

I cannot stand to be around my mother for more than maybe 20 to 30 minutes at a time when she's behaving herself. When I lived with her my health was failing fast. When I'd hear her lumbering out to the kitchen in the morning I'd start sweating, I would have heart palpitations, and pain would start shooting down my left arm. I had acid reflux/GURD. I gained a tremendous amount of weight. Living with her and being her caregiver was literally killing me.

I can't believe this happened to me because I was a caregiver for 25 years. I've been in every care situation there is.

I hope you know that something like half of caregivers die themselves before the people they're caregivers for.

You and your mother CANNOT live together. She has to go. Start touring memory care facilities or AL facilities (depending on her independence level) then move her out.

My mother became very combative and my BP would spike to 170/90 when she attacked, which scared me. In her absence it returned to high normal. Stress triggered back spasms such that I was munching acetaminophen and cyclobenzaprine, only able to sleep 90 minutes at a time. I ate my stress. Hello obesity!

I finally acknowledged that the only thing I feared more than my mother was my death. She is now in care.

She didn’t give a rat’s tuchus about my health (or feelings) so it was time for me to stop caring so much about her feelings. She’s safe, in an excellent home. I understand now that nothing I did would ever make her happy or fix the situation.

You’re in the ‘waiting for disaster’ phase but what if the disaster happens to you? Your life has value!

I take a BP med. I don't want to have a stroke because someone else is selfish or a mental train wreck. Neither should you.

High Blood Pressure is known as the Silent Killer. See your doctor, get a blood test and they will advise you. You may need to try different ones to find one that works for you. Super Beet Chews (Amazon) also work wonders for high BP in organic form.

Also avoiding the trigger person is a good idea. Call your Primary doctor today for a blood test and don't risk your life.

Good on you for swimming & walking. Being in nature & exercise are both excellent de-stressors. Combining them is even better!

If weather or location doesn’t permit walking outside, inside is fine eg inside a shopping mall. I have a friend who swims in the sea year round but I settle for a heated indoor pool in winter.

The comment about being 'stuck' has struck a chord with many.

Are you willing or able to explain why you feel stuck?

agedbook: It is not normal with your BP spiking when you are around your mother. With these BP spikes, you could end up sick or dead from a heart attack, you could have a stroke, you could have a brain aneurysm, etc. The question you need to ask yourself is if you get sick or, God forbid, die from these BP spikes who will take care of your mother? It is now time for you to see if you can place your mother in an AL or IL facility. Remember, your health matters.

Ahh, I understand about the 'grey zone' or 'waiting pattern'. I think.

My LO lived alone. Daily help needs were growing, blowing out past what family could reasonably do. No apparent insight.

I thought it was like a 'grey zone'.. as not in imminent danger, not a hoarder, mostly safe, taking meds ok, eating ok.. Although falls were a concern, not enough for an emergency takeover.

A Needs Assessment was done by a Social Worker. List of ADLs & iADLs. Levels: independance, required help, unable to do.

LO had declared I live alone independantly. But the SW ripped that down. SaId "You are living alone, dependantly. Heavily dependant on family".

This opened the way to discuss ways to lessen the 'caregiver burden' on family by introducing other supports & services.

Is it time to reflect on Mom's REAL level of independance?

Bathe, cook, grocery shop, take meds, get about in the community, keep appointments, pay bills?

Eg if you left next week for a 6 month round the world cruise - how would she cope?

Please don’t start with bp meds as dr will keep you on them forever keep a log of bp readings 2X a day for 2 weeks. If you don’t have your own bp machine, get one asap….I’ve had same problem with spikes of bp ..stay away from added salt, drink more water. Take Magnesium 250mg at night. Another thing I notice is now I’m sick & taking allergy ..Allegra ..bp elevated slightly. But do your exercises like walking 30 minutes daily. If you started bp meds and then it would go down when you relax..it would be so low you could faint. So please add magnesium 250 mg . I take it nighttime before bed time .

Why would you leave mom alone in your house when you know she will do things like you have described.?
If taking care of your parents has effected your health in a negative way then you need to find another solution.
If they are living in THEIR home they can have caregivers come in and do some of the things that you have been doing.
If they are living in YOUR house caregivers can come in and help out.
Your parents pay for the caregivers by the way not you.
If there is an Adult Day Program get BOTH your parents involved so that they are with others and active for a few days a week. '
The doctor can order In Home Health that can come in and help both of them and that would be covered by Medicare. (There are guidelines so ask about the process)

Having your doctor place you on BP medication is like asking the doctor to put a bandage on a broken leg. It will not help solve the real problem.

Don't overly obsess about brief blood pressure spikes. You are probably highly reactive to many things all day long and your BP will jump up and down. Obsessing on your blood pressure readings every hour of the day will cause more anxiety and cause BP spikes itself.

If anti-stress medications would halp keep your BP more even, you could try those.

Do not take BP medicines for reactive spikes b/c your blood pressure can get dandgeriusly low when you are not agitated.

Do NOT mess around with blood pressure spikes. I suddenly had a huge unprecedented rise in blood pressure also, and two ER visits to manage, triggered by stress dealing with my impossible mother. But you do need to monitor it correctly. A single or even a couple readings - especially using a pharmacy machine, or in a doctor’s office, or after a stressful episode, climbing stairs, etc. - can be misleading. Get a home monitor and use it correctly; check it at different times of day, sit quietly before measuring, take two measurements five minutes apart, to get accurate readings. And YES, go to your doctor!! My BP is now perfect…but if I forget my meds, even one dose, it pops up… but it’s never up to 204/85 like it was! Bottom line: do not let your mother’s situation kill you. Take care of yourself, and PLACE HER asap. Good luck to you.

I have this issue too. I have a new answer to this. Its short and sweet. I havent implemented it yet.

But - why should we let this happen and then just try to cover it up with blood pressure medication?!
We need to find ways to spend less time around the people raising our blood pressure.

Why do you feel you are stuck being a caregiver?
This is important for us to know and you do not give us any details.

My sense: you are only stuck if you believe you are stuck.

If you continue on as you are, your health will continue to suffer.
You need to put yourself first.

Gena / Touch Matters

agedbook: Perhaps you'll have to amend these dynamics as it's affecting your health.

I totally hear you. I am there. But you need to get out of caregiving situation which is causing this.

@ Kassy1,
also would be good for agedbook.

You do not need POA to get a social worker involved . Call your parents County Area of Aging . Tell them your concerns of how they think they are independent but they aren’t and you are burnt . Hopefully you don’t live with them .

I’m going to tell you what the social worker from the County Area of Aging told me. She said “ Stop helping , sometimes they have to fail in order to realize they are not independent “.

I was told the exact same thing as Way. In short, *stop helping*.

But this was for a family member NOT living with me.

Is Mom living with you? Or living elsewhere? I think this will make a difference to how you proceed.

Where I live (not US) I believe a Doctor makes the Social Worker/Aged Care Ax referral. Totally agree it so frustrating when showtiming covers over with the Doctor... but perserve. I can see why a Doctor wants to maintain & keep the trust of their client. They may need to build up trust before introducing a short cognitive screening test.

Sometimes a letter with concerns can be dropped off prior to an appointment. Or alternatively, brought to the appointment & raised tactfully there. (I've done both).

And yes, my LO was angry... I explained I was CONCERNED.

I got great unofficial advice from a Social Worker in 5mins over the phone, but was unable to make an actual appointment as no POA & no consent by my LO.

Again with LO's Doctor, I wasn't able to get far as no POA or consent to discuss BUT I COULD & DID discuss MY difficulties & received advice for that... which was;
* Stop helping.
* Call EMS for immediate danger: violence, new confusion, wandering from home.
* Contact adult protection services for serious self-neglect or squalor (unable to feed or bathe self, manage medications, signs of hoarding behaviour, home very unsafe, power cut or excess vermin).

I was able to see the Doctor alone & make a sort of *crises plan*.
That REALLY helped me!

You need to work with a therapist to find ways to cope with your mother's aberrant behavior. You are letting your mom literally stress you out. I would suggest locking up your valuable things to keep mom from "going through" them. I would keep her access limited to items that you don't care about what happens to them. You could try taking your blood pressure throughout the day for a couple of weeks to see if high blood pressure is becoming a normal part of your day or just after a really exasperating moment with your mom. If your blood pressure is always high, blood pressure medication with continued monitoring is a good idea. If your blood pressure is stable except for the unusually stressed moment, then you and/or mom might benefit from a mild anti-anxiety medication.

Been there, done that, so I can totally relate.
I've been on BP meds since before the age of 30, while still in the Navy. In 1997 I was diagnosed with PTSD by the VA and went on disability. MY DH and I moved to a retirement community in Florida when I was only 47; 1100 miles away from my toxic parents. Life was good. I was on meds and in therapy for the PTS. B/P was under control and then ... my parents went and followed us there! Yep, moved to the same community. My Narcissist father turned 80 and finally retired. Had to move them to independent living in 2013, and to a different one a year later. Stress level was so high, I was up to 4 different BP meds to try and keep it under control. In 2018, my mentally disturbed father (NPD/ASPD) needed a higher level of care and I had to find an ALF in a hurry. Social worker at the rehab was zero help. Day 3 at the ALF, we were having dinner with them for my mom's birthday and my nasty father was b**ching about everything and pissed me off. My BP that evening was 208/95. Crisis mode. DH called my doctor. I was ordered to a week bed rest and not to go visit my parents for 2 weeks. Let them settle in and figure things out. My therapist and doctors told me I was a stroke waiting to happen. I had to learn to say NO. I spent my whole life in the F.O.G., biting my tongue, and walking on eggshells.
Just a few months later my mother had a massive stoke, dying 10 days later. I was devastated that she went first. 64 years of marriage and 64 years of emotional and verbal abuse made her a broken, bitter woman. His narcissist behavior was what killed her. And I was stuck dealing with him (DPOA, etc.) for another 17 months. I tried Grey Rocking, VLC, etc. He was mentally disturbed but I was told he did not have dementia. My PTSD was in full flare-up, I found out I had liver disease, had a failed surgery that made my legally blind in one eye, and SSA mistakenly declared me deceased, all at the same. I had no emotional support from either brother. My father finally passed in 2020 at age 96. My health was so bad, I was afraid he'd outlive me too.
Sorry for rambling on. I'm doing much better now. I take my BP every evening, and it's usually good. I'm still on meds; currently Mycardis, clonidine, 2 diuretics, and Zoloft. If I run high, and need to bring it down quickly, medical marijuana works well. I can get the top number to drop anywhere from 20 to 40 points. My bottom number is always under 80.
My advice would be get the BP under control with meds if necessary. Get the stress under control by stepping back from your mother and caregiving. Give yourself care first, because if you have a stroke, you would be of no use to your mother anyway. Find ways to relax and activities that bring you joy. Let go of any guilt feelings, no need for them.
I am 68 now and lost years of my retirement. I have since divorced myself from all toxic relatives (my whole side of the family) so I am finally free.
Best of luck and take care of you!