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Not sure if threads continue or not? But thank you again for your help. And if possible could you keep my boyfriend in your prayers.....the stress of the past few weeks got to him and he had an anxiety attack and ended up in the ER..his blood pressure went through the roof...and he lost his job because he made a mistake on paper work with all the upsetment. The doctors have gotten him on BP pills and they gave him some xanax which helped him sleep but has made him not feel too well. I am proud of how he has tried to rebound...he got new resumes out and has some bites.......

I almost lost clients due to my errors this month...but the one who was going to fire me..I told what happened. and they are giving me another chance.

I have told none of this to my mom....

she just thinks I seem stressed and angry....lol...ahhh..

I am trying to keep calm between caring for her with brochitis for two weeks and worried about my boyfriend..

I know I am seeing angry to her but I am upset and tired and worn out....but trying to remain hopeful..

I am praying my boyfriend feels better and gets a new job and that I can keep my clients happy and my mom goes along..

I am rearranging my townhome so hopefully in a few months my boyfriend can move in............we thought of moving to a bigger place but financially we see how easily things can change and my mom adjusting to a new place might be a tremendous strain.

Although living in too small of a place was tough too..as we tried and failed before but I am trying to rearrange the place to make it better.

Sorry for rambling....just need to get it out at times..

thanks!!
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RW, it's no sin to love your mother very much. Just remember you can act on it best when you yourself are in a good place, too. Interesting discussion, folks, and gracefully conducted: thanks to all.

Made me chuckle, too, remembering my daughter's School Yearbook page. Her summary of the school, left to posterity after 12 years at this place, was "Initially, not cool. Later, not so uncool. I call it Stockholm Syndrome." I think it actually says quite a lot for the school's ethos that they left this unedited...
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thanks..lol..appreciate it........I love her and all she has done for me...and I respect that..but I have to respect the choices I am making...and let her talk go in one ear and out the other..I will protect and do all I can to keep her happy..but I want my life to come first...
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Nope, I didn't blame Patty Hearst. I also heartily agree that abuse victims don't go on to abuse others. I know idiot wasn't the right word and I apologize. I do think screwed up still applies. Therapy can help us cut the entangling web and free ourselves, I agree. RW, your mom is going to die sooner or later. Try not to let her cut your life off as she has been doing. The sooner YOU change the better your chances. Forget about fixing mom...it ain't gonna happen. Sacrificing your life to suit her shouldn't happen. Come to terms with what she has done/ what she is, and move on.
Vstefans, good points.
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yeesh....it has been difficult but I am not an idiot..and I have found the majority of your posts super helpful....I have a successful business but I have been in a complicated situation..... when your dad dies when you are 17 and you mom has been physically ill ever since you were born and then is going blind and there are money issues and health issues...the relationship does become a bit off from norm..but sometimes life is about surviving............and then realizing what needs to be changed...

maybe it took this for me to see that.....I have been in constant work work work mode that I did not think about personal things...

I told my mom that my boyfriend and I are getting a bigger house later in the year....and that was that....

thankfully he loves me and supports me and we got counseling..

my mom still thinks he did it...but I said when I bring him back to the house I will install nanny cams and have a nurse around and he will not go near you...

and I said I will go to ny for two days once we get a new companion broken in...

I am not backing down on what I want...

yes I was really emotional dealing with all this...and I appreciate your support....everyone's life is different...............you can be successful in one area but have no idea how to handle another situation because it has just been the way it has always been...

I am working on restoring the love I have for my mom because she has done so much for me.....while at the same time moving forward with my own life..

It has been a brutally hard month.....and I have a lot of work left to do..but I want to remain strong with your support!!!

thank you all for the advice...I will continue to grow and have fun..that is my goal
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But, interesting you would use the spider analogy... G Scott Peck had an enmeshed client he wrote about who actually dreamed of spiders and realized that's what it was...towards the end, who she was really getting free, she began to realize he had a little bIt of spider in herself too. Key phrase: a little bit. Every victim of abuse is not destined to repeat it, though they may need to be wary.

Stockholm syndrome is an interesting analogy too. In that, one persons physical life is in the hands of the victimizer, in enmeshment, both people to some degree have one to feel as if neither can live without the other. In early childhood, that dependency, of the child on the mother is of course very real...the truly good mother has a goal of making that dependency disappear so the child can become an adult, however bittersweet that might be.
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That was exactly my point, enmeshment is not something you make go say overnight, but it does NOT make someone an "idiot" and it is NOT hopeless. You would not hate on someone with a real case of Stockholm syndrome, would you? They may also recover with therapy. She's IN therapy and taking some steps that she can. Especially in a world where some people will actually judge her for not "putting Mom first" what she is needing - and trying - to do is not easy.
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I just looked at this thread and came to the conclusion that RW is an idiot and everyone is wasting their time with her. Mama this, Mama that. "Enmeshed?". RW you are in a spider web of your mother's making , and she is going to eat you alive. You probably have "Stockholm Syndrome". Okay, maybe you are not an idiot, just really screwed up. You can kiss a life of your own and any future boyfriends away. Cut your boyfriend loose and let him move on. You have a lot of work to do in getting your life together before you should dare ensnaring anyone else in this sick situation. Mama is a nut job, not "sharp". THINK about it....how's your current situation different from the last umpteen years....and how's that working for you? The lawyer bit...the letter, the visit, the energy....amazing you would enable that...let it go for crying out loud.
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RW I've been dwelling on this, just to go back to the beginning: why is your mother taking the hydrocodone syrup? What's it meant to be for?
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Rw, with regard to heat, one of my sad childhood memories is that in the summertime, when my dad would come in hot and tired from a long day at work and the ac would not be on because my grandma "couldn't stand it". My father would get quietly but visibly angry, go into the bedroomand not come out till dinner. We all lived on eggshells, trying to cater to grandma and my dad. When the time came that mom could no longer live alone, surprise! None of us three kids thought that it would be a good idea for her to come live with one of us. Mom's preferred room temperture is around 85, even in the summer, even with a sweater. If I lived in that sort of environment, I'd be sick all the time. Mom did fine in independent living, although she was sure she was going to hate it. She's also fine now in the nh. It's warm there. Point is, you can make yourself crazy trying to cater to everyone( Like my mom did) or you can do things that are good for you and in the long run give your mom a better quality of life. A happy daughter is a better carer and advocate than a miserable one.
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I wish you could get mom her own place in a senior living facility where she can have interactions other than just you. Making you her whole world isn't fair to either of you. You deserve a life beyond taking care of mom! And your mom deserves interactions with other humans beyond you - particularly others her own age.

Could you consider putting her in a facility for respite care while you take your trip? That way you know she's well cared for and will have the opportunity to be around other people her own age and try some activities. You could even do a 1-night practice stay just to see how that would go. Then you and your boyfriend could have some special time together. Your mom might like the extra attention she would get from people in the community.

As for the house temperature, get your mom bundled up. That's much easier than keeping you and other visitors boiling. If she was in her own place, she could have it as warm as she wanted.

And I disagree with some of the other posters - your mom shouldn't be #1 - you should be! She's a very important part of your life but shouldn't be your whole life and vice versa. She's lived her life and what you do for your life takes precedence and mom and/or boyfriend take the #2 and #3 spots.

But talk to your counselor and priest about all of this - we're just amateurs giving you our individual views without having the whole picture your counselor and priest have.
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Rick wants to get us a home and to help me with help for my mom...which was the initial plan. I know why his frustrated...believe me..issues have been going on for three years.....

And the fact that he would be dying of heat in the house is a problem too...I survive and keep quiet because I know she will get sick if the ac is on too much at times....he would be dying.....maybe a bigger place might work..

but Yes I agree he has to understand this is HUGE for me...I fought for him and us and am still am...

and Goodness knows how mom will react once she really gets it about us...lol..

trip..am hoping to go sometime in august..will take time to break person in for overnights and get nanny cams etc etc...gotta save too...lol..the companion will cost more than the trip!!

thank you again...you totally keep me sane!!
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What I am saying is, is there an action that can be taken which will give Mom the message that yes, we will make sure you are taken care of, but no, you will no longer manipulate me out of having a life and a boyfriend? Weren't you going to go away for a brief vacation? With some contingency plan in case Mom fabricates an illness or crisis of some sort?
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I hate to think what our advice would be to the boyfirend if he wrote to us...I've seen threads where the general tone is that the other person will never let go of Mom and breaking up is the best thing to do. But I don't think "enmeshed"="never" when at least small, but *significant* steps are starting to take place. Remember the small victory of getting her to the lawyer and her backing out.
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RW I wish I could bang their silly heads together. Both of them depend on you; neither of them is putting you first, although they both THINK they are - your mother thinks you're being led astray, your b/f thinks you're being exploited and emotionally blackmailed. They're like squabbling parents with a child in between with its fingers stuck in its ears and its eyes tight shut. I'm so sorry, this must hideous for you.

But since neither of them is seeing straight, you've got to do it for them. You're trying to think in practical terms: e.g. what kind of accommodation would give all of you enough space, where would that be, what does each of you need. You are the one who is trying to look for a way to make everyone happy.

But what about YOU? Can you get them both into a room - doesn't have to be at your place, can you go out somewhere quiet for lunch or something? - and tell them what you want to happen? Short of that, could you try writing it down, for your eyes only, as a start?

As things are, I wouldn't be thinking of Rick's actually moving in with you. Not because he's an ear-licking risk (eyes to heaven) but because he's not stepping up well enough in terms of helping you, not yet anyway.

But above all, it's so unfair that you're being buffeted around like this. Time to think about what you want, and work towards that at your own pace. Keep us posted.
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yes it is the tug of war...for three years my boyfriend has taken the backseat to my mom....and he went along.....it was really really hard...but we were going to make it work til this tongue thing....now when I was fighting with my mom she said...rick is now the important one....so I think that showed what was on her mind...............and rick is now....just let me come over...you pay the rent....so have me over....and I am trying to say.....I need to get some counseling to get this inorder........I know he wants us to get a bigger house..which makes sense..but mom will be a problem...where to live...she won't do a one story..need upstairs..need a place with stairs that works with her gliders....need a place that won't be too drafty......the list is endless...........or have rick here..which is really too small and caused issues before................honestly I am tired of my mom being number 1--I just want to do what I want...but I know I can't............so tomorrow I am going to tell her I am seeing him when i go out..........that will be a first step to see her reaction.....ahhhh fingers crossed
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RW I am so sorry this is continuing to be so worrying for you. CM is correct your mother has and is and always will be the primary in your life. You have made it clear that is not going to change so B/F is collateral damage. Mom is not going to stop needing your care and you are not and should not caste her aside for some one who does not stick by you come what may. It is becomming increasingly clear that he is going to move on and you should too. He was prepared to take Mom and you as a package deal but she has made it impossible for him to do that now.
No he can't come and go as he wishes he does not have that right he is still an invited guest in yours and Moms home. Remember It is Mom's home and she does have a say in who may visit. It would be nice if she respected your needs but she is not going to so you are stuck with the status quo. Now she won't live for ever but even that time could stretch into many years so when this guy has gone be very very careful who you see next because she is going to pull the same crap.
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Reallyworried, I can see your boyfriend's point of view but… there isn't a nice way to put this. I'll start again.

What he needs to understand is that, although he is important to you, he is not MOST important. Your mother - I wish it were yourself, seeing as you're carrying everyone else, but there we are, it's your mother - is most important to you. Doesn't mean he doesn't count. It just means that it's no good his wishing you would let her just like things or lump things, because that's not how you're handling it.

Look, he'll have either to stop sulking, or to shove off. He can always come back later when you're not so busy, never say never, but what he can't do is hang around having tantrums. You've got enough pressure in your life without his adding to it.

He can help you, or go away. Helping you will be hard work, but you are worth it, and the rewards of love and trust will come. While your mother needs you as much as she does, which will not be forever but is a simple fact for the time being, he can't come first. Don't like it? Bye then.

Oh, and No. 1 rule: no guest in your house has permission to be anything less than faultlessly civil to your mother. And I would expect ANY grown-up to be able to manage that.

It's so much easier when you're talking about someone else's boyfriend! Chin up. Big hug.
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Saw my boyfriend last night...it was good to see him but he is losing faith and love...he feels he has been hanging on for three years and i never put him first. He feels I should just say rick is coming over and he will be here as much as he wants. ..

I know that is the normal thing to do and I know I have hurt him alot in the past by doing what my mom wanted and not thinking of him..

but I told him I want to to talk the psychologist first. as I want some ideas on how to do this properly.

I am worn out from this past month....I don't know if I can bear anymore fighting..

I also know my house is super hot as she is cold all the time right now......doctors have checked everything...

He would be miserable here....but he would be like just put on the ac...but if she gets sicker I am the one stuck taking care of her...

I think moving to a larger place might be a good answer but I am not sure how to broach it to her...

and frankly I am worried about the two of them under one roof...I know he is bound to have resentment and may act weird..

and goodness knows what she will think..

part of me wishes he would get an apartment close by.and I could go back and forth...but...unfortunately we tried that two years ago..and I did not give him the time he needed and we fell apart...

i wish things were not so complicated...my boyfriend I feel has proven his love by standing by me....but I know he will only hang around a little while longer...I wish I had a magical solution...

ahhhh
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thank you..going to see him tonight..not sure what he will say..but trying to stay positive!
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I agree with Veronica, except I'd apply that principle of making things clear to your b/f, too. YOU make your decisions, and they are based on what you feel is right and not what anybody else tries to push you into. You're in charge, and thank God for that because you are a completely capable and unselfish person. Great stuff, hope it goes well from here.
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You are being positive which is the most important part. Mom may never accept him but you can face that when you come to it. Just make it clear that you are going to see him whatever she says or does. what happens between the two of you is a different issue.
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RW if you go to Amazon and type in "best nanny cams" you'll find a bunch with ratings. I always pay attention to how other consumers rate them - just reading the comments you can learn what to look for and what works and what doesn't work. Looks like you can get some decent ones for between $50 - $150. Sounds like you're really doing some good things for you. You GO girl!! Enjoy your time with your boyfriend.
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Hi..got back to work and started some calls....one to a nursing service that has companions instead of relying on one or two people that are not always available. And now trying to find info on nanny cams so I can have cameras that I can watch my mom if I am not at home. Anybody know any good but not too expensive ones?

I am seeing my boyfriend wed and friday...at his place natch. not sure what is going to happen but am going to at least see what I can do.

am really tired but want to give myself and him a chance....not sure how to work it with him back in the house again...hopefully will get some thoughts from counseling....

thank you again..trying baby steps at a time..
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Yes, you have some great things coming up for yourself! Just know that your getaways will probably be stressful for your mom (like the first time you leave a child with a babysitter and they cry and cry but they're really OK as soon as you walk out the door).

And we're all here to support you along with your therapist and your priest. You've got a LOT of people rooting for you to make these positive changes in your life. WOOHOO! It's exciting for you!!
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You're already sounding better RW - I love it when it sounds as if a plan is coming together..! Keep us updated x
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thank you so much...had a really big weekend event..went well but working sick made me worse and gave it to my mom which flared up her asthma...
just trying to get healthy...then have to figure a plan. My boyfriend is holding on by a string...will have to keep praying for what is best. as soon as I get better calling home health care service to break in new people --I am determined to go to the keys with my boyfriend and Ny with my best friend.....only two days each..but would be a huge achievement. my boyfriend just wants to visit me....but I cannot handle that stress now..that will take counseling ...oye!! thank you so much for caring!! time for a nap!
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Just checking in to see how you're doing...I hope you've been able to get some rest and get over your cold. Let us know how you're doing!
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Big hug, and I agree with both above. I'm not blaming him, but it's pressure you don't need, especially not right now. Get your life sorted the way you're comfortable with first; then who knows what happiness may come your way in the future? But you cannot drive yourself mad trying to please everyone. Best of luck x
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Agree with Pam. Blackmail is a nasty word. If this a prediction of future behaviour it may hurt but say farewell. Having said that do not revert back to the old relationship with Mom, that is her sole goal in life. Do what's best for you. In the end you is all you can be sure of. Hugs
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