Elderly blind Mom says boyfriend stuck tongue in her ear. What do I do?

Sorry. I was replying to a different question and this somehow ended up here!

Prozac is an antidepressant, a medication of that sort might be useful if the antianxiety drug doesn't help enough.

Praying for your peace and healing, and for your mom!

It really is unbelievable how much it hurts and how shocking it is, even when you are supposed to be expecting it...Hope you are Rick are going to be OK, I imagine this is a tough time for him too...just hugs and prayers and thanks for sharing the journey.

thank you so much...

been telling my FB friends about this site in case any of their family members are facing the same thing..

I will be around...helping others here too...this is an amazing site!

RW, I'm so sorry. You're a hero and a treasure. Please stay in touch. Love, Realtime

RW, I'm so sorry to hear of your dear mother's passing. We all learn from each other; I hope that you'll continue to pass on what you've learned to others on this site. ((((((((Hugs!)))))))

So sorry for the loss of your mother. Hugs to you and your boyfriend. You've come a long way and I'm sure your mom is extremely proud of you! You are an awesome daughter - no mother could have asked for more!

My mom went to heaven to be with my dad on Thanksgiving. Being an only child this has been really hard...but I am extremely grateful to the nurses at Hospice who gave me the 24/7 help I needed to care for my mom at home and to all of you who helped me through the scary journey this year has been. My mom passed with ...no fear and no pain so I am grateful. My mom and I had a beyond close relationship and even in death she was trying to look out for me. When the nurse told me she had passed I screamed and cried so loud it stopped her dying process. Over a half hour later Rick and the nurse told me I had to go up and talk to her.....while she was no longer breathing ....her heart would not rest....so I told her I would be ok..and Rick said he would take care of me.....the nurse then gave her more morphine and she passed.

Poor rick then had to help the nurse move her and take off the wound bandages....Rick closed her eyes and placed her hands on her check and then called me up ...and I held her til the funeral home came.

My mom devoted herself to me and I will love her forever. we promised my dad when he was dying 28 years ago that we would be ok and take care of eachother.......we faced it all ....literally it was the two of us against the world...sickness, blindness, financial problems etc...but through faith and God's help we made it.

This year has been emotionally grueling..but I would not have made it without this support group. I was clueless...as you know...lol....Yes I can laugh about it now, because now I see it was the dementia and I can let go off all the other emotions. of course when you all first told me to start looking at that as a possibility I could not accept it or believe it...but with your encouragement...I was able to get her and myself the help we needed. While it was a difficult time, I am grateful it was not too long. I know she is happy in heaven with my Dad now. And I look forward to being part of this community and helping others with their journeys. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Look boyfriend in the eye, holding his hands, and say "You know, it won't be long now." Maybe ask, "What was it like for you when you went through it?" Maybe he has never really debriefed on how it happened and what it felt like to him, and I'm sure he's telling the truth, that this is giving him flashbacks - now, that does not make it right for him to ask you to abandon your mom at the end, but its probably where he is coming from. Accept help for sure...I would expect they can be trusted to wake you or come get you if you are away from the bedside and you want to be with her at the moment of passing. It does sound like what they call the "golden glow" and the time really is short now. Hugs...

RW I don't know what crisis care is. But if it means just letting a patient lie in the same position without changing their position and leaving dirty diapers in place that is called neglect. The patient does have to have their position changed every 2 hours during the day and at night too if you have help but if you are alone do it every 4 as you have to rest too. You may not need to change her depends unless they are soiled and that will become less frequent. Ask the hospice people to show you how to clean her mouth and continue to offer tiny ice chips. It is usual to discontinue medications in the last few days except those for pain and anxiety. Seroquil should not be discontinued abruptly so check on this with the RN.
You are doing a wonderful job and with some help at night you can continue to the end. Concentrate on Mom right now that is all you can cope with. Boyfriend has his own issues but he is a big boy and can seek help for himself not expect you to be his support system right now. After all this is over and you have grieved you can calmly re-evaluate your relationship preferably with some professional help. The hospice SW may be able to help you with this if you get on well with her and/or the chaplain. Mother will probably pass within 24 -48 hours. it is not unusual for a dying person to rally in the days immediately before they pass. Blessings to you and your family

Thank you for letting us share your journey.

I'm so sorry. This is a terrible ordeal for all of you, and each of you will have to deal with it in your own way - including your mother, don't forget. She gets priority because she is the one who is in the process of passing away. Next comes you, because you are the one who is losing your mother. Then comes boyfriend, who I'm sure is being truthful when he tries to describe why he's finding it so harrowing that he can't help you.

So it's not that his feelings don't matter; it's just that you have things that are even more important that have to claim your attention right now. Let the time pass, and try not to carry forward hard feelings or insensitive words.

Whatever gets said, try not to second-guess yourself. You are doing the best you can in extremely sad circumstances. Just keep going. Big hug.

Just be there for mom. Peace to you and to her.

Hugs to you...this is such a difficult time for anyone. And it's even more difficult because of the holidays (in my opinion). I think this time of year can bring out all of the stresses (and old history) for a lot of us.

So I'd just do the best you can, which it sounds to me like you're already doing. Hopefully your mom will find her peace soon and you can find peace with your boyfriend and your relationship. I'd say be as understanding as you can be for now and once things settle down, you can better assess the situation. Now it's just about being there for your mom and doing the best you can to take care of your own emotional needs. Again, hugs to you - you've been through a LOT and this has to be super stressful for you.

It's been three weeks without food. Yesterday she stopped wanting fluids, and pretty much slept the entire day...so Hospice nurse said to stop meds....she said death is usually in 2-3 days. Last night she got thirsty, so I did ice cubes and pops....but today she drank some water. She was talking more..not really conversations just taking about wanting to get up and walk and why was she in bed. We switched her to a hospital bed in her bedroom yesterday. But today when the washing nurse came, and I was helping clean, there was blood on the sheets and pants. She had developed bed sores in two days and her skin on her back was getting thin. They cleaned and put special bandages on. I figured by now Hospice would be giving crisis care ..but no...they said I need to move her every 2 hours, change her diapers etc. I was like really. The best they can do is a CNA once a day and a nurse for the wounds 3 x a week. I hired a service to help me do the work tonight.

I am praying mom will pass very soon, I know if the wounds get worse I may not be able to keep her at home and I know she would be very afraid someplace else.

My boyfriend has been very supportive but tonight when I told him my fears he told me I should have put her in hospice weeks ago, and not put him through this as he is really depressed as it is bringing back his daughter, mom's and sisters deaths....he said I am putting my mom first again and not him...

I was like..really..........to me I want her home as long as I can do it. He is in work all day and is not helping with her care. she is upstairs, he does not see her. He sees the toll on me...but he would see it if I were sitting in hospice all day too.

I told him it should show you how much i would do if you got sick...

I know I am being picky and he has been super loving and supportive all through this but It seems like he feels I am putting her needs first.........and well I am ....she is the one who is dying.

Any thoughts on how I can navigate this?? Thank you ..hugs.

RW, none of us "get it" in the beginning. Two years ago, I would have told you my mom was sharp as a tack, and some days she still is. Other times, there are plots and conspiracies all over. Hang in there and keep posting!

thank you all so much!! you have given me amazing advice and I want to give back to others on the site as well. If it had not been for you I would not have really acknowledged some of the initial signs....I guess it is the forest for the trees syndrome. Know I must have come across dense, but seriously it never dawned on me what was really going on. In the early stages things just seem odd but it is hard to accept. I so grateful. And yes she is sleeping a bit of the day..she is still on small doses of ativan during the day and then the seraquel at night. Hospice has been very nice and they said at the end they would stay 24/7 --but they said it will be awhile...so am just trying to take it one day at a time.
Hugs!

You might ask them for a tiny dose of Cogentin with the Seroquel in case she would really like to eat but is having trouble swallowing as that can help with Parkinson-like motor side effects. I think though, that constant, severe anxiety caused by psychosis needs treated even if it hastens demise, the same as you would give pain medicine for physical pain...sorry it has gone this way, and you have my admiration too for hanging in with her care together as long as you and your boyfriend have done it! I pray for your strength and courage to go through whatever is next and come out whole and healthy!

RW so glad the Seroquil is working well for Mom. Do not worry about her not eating she is not deliberately starving herself to death it is the body's way of shutting down. It kind of coasts down the hill and if you try to refuel it just makes more stress on the body. I know this is the hardest time while you are waiting. but you both have done a wonderful job of taking care of her and it will be a great comfort to her to simply remain in her own bed in familiar surroundings. I would expect her to become more confused and sleep most of the time. hospice nurses will tell you how to take care of her and what medications to use. It is not unusual for someone to be doing quite well and then suddenly the decline speeds up. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. The Dr said the ativan caused the decline. So be it. it may or may not have done after all she had taken it for a very long time so don't feel there is anything you should have done differently. may she rest in peace. Blessings.

RW, Both of you have been through a hard passage. Thank goodness your mother is no longer afraid; she must have been wretched. Thank goodness you have Rick, hospice and good doctors to support you through this. Please go on letting us know about you. By the way: I saw your helpful comment to another poster a few minutes ago. Isn't it wonderful how this forum works? A person starts coming here for advice and support, and then, when the time comes, begins to pay it forward. Please go on sharing your experience.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Hugs to you - you've been through h*ll with this whole situation. Hang in there!

Rw, I feel for your situation. Hugs and good thoughts and prayers to you snd your Mom. Hang in there, sweetie.

Just an update...the doctors think ativan caused dementia...it came on really really fast. 6 weeks ago she could have a normal conversation and just have bad times. But she did not stabilize on the 2 ativan. she was calling 40 times a night fearful she was being murdered etc etc. finally after she called the police, I did what the geriatric psych said and put her on seraquel. I was really really scared having read about it. but she did not call at night and was not afraid any more. the paranoia ended. but she is declining rapidly. she has pretty much stopped eating so at a friend's suggestion I brought in hospice. we will do at home hospice til the end. I just pray God takes her before she gets too bad, I am concerned about her starving herself to death. She has a very strict living will. She is drinking a little water and very little gatorade. Sometimes she is still sharp.....like telling me not to open the door without looking out...and most other times she is talking about other things etc. Rick is trying to help me through this, and I am trying to just get my work done. I want to thank you for your continued support. I just did not get it for a long time,,,and I had no idea how harmful ativan could be. My doctor just showed me a recent article showing an 85% increase in dementia for long term use of tranquilizers....ahhhhhh. Hugs

Rw, you have a team now. The geriatric psychiatrist should have lots of answers for you. Good wishes! And bravo for your boyfriend!

It's too early to worry about the winter. The geriatric psychiatrist will know what's best as the time approaches. The experts are on the job now --- the psychologist and, soon, the psychiatrist --- so try to relax, don't try to make all the decisions alone, take their advice. See your own counselor. Best of luck.

Hi...just an update...it has been rough.....mom is about 30 days into her stepping down.....she is now down to 1 and 1/2 ativan--that is the.5 mg......it has been sooo hard. she has had withdrawl a lot. and her short term memory has been badly effected...just on a few subjects....mainly about her treatment.. she asks about her treatment for hours on end. How many pills am I on? Why is the doctor giving this to me? etc etc.. There have been innumerable incidents along the way that get really bad in the early days of stepping down at each level.

Then she gets it --as I have taped her at times...and it dawns on her how she is acting...

The psychologist is trying...but she called her internist today and is recommending a geriatric psychiatrist..................I know many of you said this before....I just had to figure a way to get her there.

We have about another 30days to go.......hope I make it....lol....

My boyfriend moved in 4th of July and he has been trying with her....he really has..it is not easy..

but to make it even weirder...he got a really good job opportunity.................great...so he has a week off..............so he found a doctor and decided to get off the methadone.......naturally I am proud that he feels that this is something he really wants to do----------------his accident and surgery years ago caused a pain pill addiction.............but I really wanted him free of meds.

So he is doing it now.....lol....seriously I was like ..now??

They are doing it over 90 days with other meds...but he has not been well. But way better than mom...we even went target shopping today. We are told to expect a rough weekend...............and then he should be feeling better monday...I pray so.

Told mom he has a bad tooth --bone infection..

so he is one room essentially knocked out or feeling sick..

and mom is in the other repeating the same things to me when her meds wear off...

I am really tired...lol..but trying to see my counselor next week to update her....

and concentrating on my business.

This is truly a weird time.

For someone who knew nothing about addiction......this is too much...it is so scary how an accident or anxiety can lead to such serious situations that have such repercussions. I feel like I am running a rehab center.....trying to keep my sense of humor..

For anybody who has experience with Ativan.....does the memory come back and when she is off it all...for how long will she be acting weird??

And this winter when the doc needs to put her back on a tranquilizer....he wants to use ativan again............any other suggestions??

thank you!!!

RW, I'm so very, very happy that you got your mother to see a professional. I was afraid she might back out at the last moment. Congratulations on getting this far. Be sure to keep up your own therapy, too, because you may need more clarity within your own mind in order to deal properly with your mother's response to therapy. How did she react to the session, by the way? Did she feel better after talking to the psychologist?

thank you ...I emailed the psychologist everything re the tongue incident and never to bring it up to her but that she knows about the cough medicine issue prior and to give me and my boyfriend tips on getting thru this time period.

I really want to thank all of you who answered.....I know you must have thought I sounded crazy...lol...but I have never been through anything like this before and I was totally lost...but I am so glad that with your encouragement that I did not give up my boyfriend and kept pushing for help for me and my mom....I hope that maybe my story and input will help others on the forum as well....will be in touch soon!

Glad you're hooked up with someone who gets it!

thank you...the psychologist is very nice and told us this withdrawl period will be rough but we will get through it......and then she will evaluate mom's other issues -she needs to separate the medicines from it though....going to be a bumpy few weeks ahead.....lol...but hanging in!!