Elderly blind Mom says boyfriend stuck tongue in her ear. What do I do?

Not sure if threads continue or not? But thank you again for your help. And if possible could you keep my boyfriend in your prayers.....the stress of the past few weeks got to him and he had an anxiety attack and ended up in the ER..his blood pressure went through the roof...and he lost his job because he made a mistake on paper work with all the upsetment. The doctors have gotten him on BP pills and they gave him some xanax which helped him sleep but has made him not feel too well. I am proud of how he has tried to rebound...he got new resumes out and has some bites.......

I almost lost clients due to my errors this month...but the one who was going to fire me..I told what happened. and they are giving me another chance.

I have told none of this to my mom....

she just thinks I seem stressed and angry....lol...ahhh..

I am trying to keep calm between caring for her with brochitis for two weeks and worried about my boyfriend..

I know I am seeing angry to her but I am upset and tired and worn out....but trying to remain hopeful..

I am praying my boyfriend feels better and gets a new job and that I can keep my clients happy and my mom goes along..

I am rearranging my townhome so hopefully in a few months my boyfriend can move in............we thought of moving to a bigger place but financially we see how easily things can change and my mom adjusting to a new place might be a tremendous strain.

Although living in too small of a place was tough too..as we tried and failed before but I am trying to rearrange the place to make it better.

Sorry for rambling....just need to get it out at times..

thanks!!

Glad to hear from you, RW, though that's a blow about your b/f's job - all you need on top of everything else! But maybe this is a good time for rethinking everybody's options, and it sounds as if he's approaching the change with a positive attitude.

It's natural for your mother to notice that you're - how shall we say it? - not yourself. Irritating that she jumps to the conclusion that you're angry, when the fact is that nobody can be sweetness and light when they have such a lot to cope with! But clearly you are dealing with things practically and sensibly - clearing the air with your client, for example - so with luck, patience and a following wind it will all come good. Keep posting, and keep smiling??? xxx

Rw, glad you were able to get your mom to the doctor gor her bronchitis...were you able to have a conversation with him/her about mom's behavioral issues? Good thoughts coming your way.

RW, I hope your boyfriend finds a new job soon and that you're both able to work things out. You deserve to be able to share your life with a romantic partner who loves you. Of course you love your mom, but you deserve a life of your own.

The thing that strikes me about your story is the fact that your mom has accused three different people of sticking their tongues in her ear over a ten-year period, beginning when she was eighty.

An eighty-year-old's ear isn't particularly sexy, although there are probably people out there who would disagree with me. It seems unlikely that your mother encountered three different individuals -- younger individuals -- who were turned on by geriatric ear-licking.

Could your mother have misinterpreted a bungled cheek kiss caused by one or both participants moving their heads at the last second as ear molestation? I've experienced those, where the kiss ends up at the corner of my eye instead of on my cheek. Or could she have made it up in order to get attention, and in the case of your boyfriend, to try and get you to banish him?

I'm just really dubious about the ear thing. It would seem more likely for someone to try and cop a feel but ear-licking???

thank you for your kind words!! am remaining hopeful....am looking for a new doctors for my mom --researching one who is BC internist and geriatric as her current doctor never lifts his butt from the computer..lol! great credentials just not too with it..

I agree I think it is a perception thing...when a "stranger" to her kisses or hugs her she thinks this happens.......because it is near the ear...trust me none of these people were interested sexually...lol.....they were being affectionate but she does says why do they hug me any way I don't want them to and blind people get victimized all the time....ahhh..

she is going to try to get to a senior blind person support group soon..she tried before but the air conditioning was too much for her....but just trying positive steps!!

thank you so much!!

Can I ask a question a little off point? This situation really hit my boyfriend hard...the ER, blood pressure up, lost his job, etc.
I am trying to be loving and supportive but I think he thought he would get a new job in a day or two and I knew it would take longer....

and now he accidentally lapsed his auto insurance...

I offered to pay it..

but he was like "I don't want your money, I got a cheaper plan, but your mom is right I cannot support you when I cannot even take care of myself".....he says how he wished he could just think about himself and not have to worry about other stuff.

I am trying to remind him how he told me that God would get us through this...and this is a bad time but he will get it together..

I think he is afraid of his health with the anxiety attacks and seems to be losing his confidence.. I guess I am a little scared seeing this side......because I am so worn out myself with work and caring for my mom...

I guess I just get scared sometimes....it's like bringing him into my life has caused him so much stress...

Not sure what your new question is. Sounds like he's beginning to see the light...he can't take care himself. Don't feel too sorry for him or you're going to be tempted to save him.

I don't know how old your boyfriend is, but if it was someone I was dating who was older than 21, I'd be concerned that he thought he could get a new job in a couple of days. Unless he's a tech guru, no one gets a job that quickly. And with the economy the way it's been in the last six years or so, why would he think getting a job would be so easy? So something is out of whack with his understanding of the world as it is. If he's someone who has been working, why would he let his auto insurance lapse? Doesn't he have a credit card he could use until he's able to pay for it? Is his credit so bad, he has no resources? Or savings? If that's the case, that would worry me.

He sounds like he's emotionally very fragile and I would say you're emotionally very fragile and two very fragile people facing the kind of setbacks and challenges you both face would be hard-pressed to weather the storm without a lot of outside support through counseling. You could possibly get that through a church or through some community services (low cost/sliding scale). But you'd both have to want to work on it together and he sounds iffy right now about his willingness/capability to do that.

Or it might be time for both of you to put your relationship on hold and spend some time getting your respective lives in order separately to see if you can come back together at some time in the future when you've both ironed out some kinks. If you can both find your strength and come back together, then it was meant to be. If not, you've both got the opportunity to get your lives back on a healthier track separately . Just my two cents.

You are two people who care deeply about each other and doing the best you can with a boatload of tough problems. Boy supporting girl is not supposed to be a one way street, there is nothing wrong with supporting each other in whatever ways you realistically can.

It feels to me like it's time to step back from this relationship (which if I recall correctly had some rocky times back when you lived together and the place was too small and it didn't work out? Am I remembering that correctly?). It feels like BF needs some time and space to get his act together and YOU need some time to get things sorted out with your mom, via therapy. It's very hard to enter into a relationship when partners are having difficulty taking care of themselves. The point is that as you each grow and develop as human beings, you may find that you don't suit each other any more and that growth of this sort is usually accomplished best when you don't have to take someone else's feelings and needs into account. You've already got your mom on your caseload so to speak; BF brings it to the breaking point. Something I think you need to work out in therapy is this idea that you need someone to "take care of you". I don't know exactly what your medical issues are, but if you concentrate on building your business and have medical insurance, retiremement monies, etc, why do you need to be "taken care of?" My cousin, 61, widowed many years ago, has severe MS, lives on her own, works, goes out, cared for her mom through breast cancer. We all need to learn to take care of ourselves, dear. I believe that this is yet another of the myths that your mom has sold you that you need to see through.

The more I read of RW's posts the more baffled I become. Why would her mother insist on seeing a lawyer about the ear incident? And why would RW agree to take her? If mom is blind and RW is paying the bills, why would she agree to indulge her in something so futile and potentially expensive.

If mom insists she was assaulted, then she should call the police. Good luck with that, since so much time has passed and since the only potential witness was right there and saw nothing. Dollars to doughnuts mom understands this and that's why she didn't insist on filing a police report right away. She wanted the drama and attention of a visit to a lawyer, and she backed off when she realized how ridiculous her story was.

I don't understand why RW would write a letter to the lawyer, dredging up many irrelevant details, including the boyfriend's drug problem? Incidentally, why is the boyfriend still on methadone after being injured fourteen years ago? Why is he expecting to be on it indefinitely? He doesn't need it "to balance out his endorphins." People can and do stop taking methadone are are able to get on with their lives just fine. Methadone clinics are expensive, so how's he paying for it with no job? And what about his steroid use? That sends up a red flag that BF has problems that he's not being entirely honest about.

The fact that RW's mother convinced her that her former boyfriend would drug her (and presumably rape her) because he's a doctor is totally mind-boggling. Doctors don't, as a rule, go around drugging and molesting their dates. Not if they want to keep their medical licenses.

There are things about this story that are very odd: the constant moving from place to place because of odors that only the mother can detect, the sleeping in the car, mom waiting in the car while RW is on dates with her former boyfriend in order to protect her,,, What the heck is going on with these two?

It's good that RW is in therapy. The enmeshment with her mother has gone on for decades and she's not seeing reality.
Bottom line: mom needs to go into an assisted living facility and RW needs to learn to live on her own, as an independent adult. Mom won't die (well, she will eventually; we all will) but she'll kill RW first with the constant bids for attention, lack of sleep and the heat blasting in Florida in the summertime.
This is really one of the strangest stories I've ever heard.

I completely and absolutely agree with V Stefans. You can each mind the other's back. Just to add: he was stressed and had his difficulties before he met you. You had your issues, too. So help each other, be really frank with each other, and stop feeling guilty about each other. Play this right, and it's all good.

I completely and absolutely agree with V Stefans. You can each mind the other's back. Just to add: he was stressed and had his difficulties before he met you. You had your issues, too. So help each other, be really frank with each other, and stop feeling guilty about each other. Play this right, and it's all good.

Appreciate the input!

My boyfriend has a great career as a finance manager in the car industry and has been promoted three times in three years.....so this is a blow as he was never fired before.

And honestly I doubt he would have been if we had not been going through all the stress of the past month.

He has been hired when he moved very quickly...within a day each time in the past...so I think he has high expectations but I know it doesn't always happen that way..

I know what you mean about both of us coming from shaky places...yes.....I had a rough time financially and am just getting out of it...and I know the past has not been "normal"...but..lol

And he had the death of his daughter, sister and mom in a short time.....and with all that was not able to save....after his divorce set him back financially

hence I feel that he is choosing to remain on the methadone pills on a small dosage as he feels he never ever wants to risk what he went through after his multiple surgeries...his physician is supporting this as he has no side effects

in time I know he wants to get off them as he was a pilot and wants to fly again for the fun of it..

Believe me I know when you read about my life you are shaking your heads..but it is all true...lol...naturally condensing decades does make it seem a bit more of an overload...

I am trying to get mom more in order....and using a caregiver more...she has lots of health issues that are odd ..but I am trying to cope as best I can..

while getting counseling etc etc..

with my boyfriend..I want to love and support him through this.....oddly his standing by me with my mom situation made me realize how much he was there for me... most men would have walked ...

but he put me first and made sure I was okay and got my head back on straight...lol

I know it is maybe overly faithful but I really have to believe that all of this is happening for a reason............and that hopefully we can be put on a better stronger path...

hugs

I read this post forwards and backwords and I have to say I am SMH,,, this is so jacked up! Is this for real? And why is it still going on? RW is gonna do what she wants, and our advise is of no matter, she is stuck in this loop. Mom rules the roost, BF comes and goes, .. Take care of yourself if you can...

You think you are shaking your head.....lol....Yes it is all for real..seriously I could not make this up. sometime life gets so out of control you don't realize it because you are so entrenched and you make everything seem okay from the outside....and when you love your mother and try to pay back for all the good...sometimes you don't realize the toll it is taking.

Rw, when you were a child, did you mom give you everything you wanted or demanded? Or did she give you what you needed?

I Understand your point ba8alou------but I was sick as a kid and my mom took good care of me....and now I keep hearing how she risked her life staying in NY to take care of me when she usually spent winters in fla because of her poor health.....and when I get tired and worn out with her today she reminds me well this could happen to you....so you should be patient because you don't know who will be caring for you......

my boyfriend taught me not to live in fear.....not think that I will get sick again..and I am learning to do that....although the stress of my mom and now worrying about him and his new anxiety attacks is a bit much..

but I am trying to see things more clearly and hopefully try not to get myself too upset --I am trying to focus on my goals and getting my fitness and health on track needs to be my top priority.

Seriously? She risked her life staying in New York because of her poor health? RW, your mother has lived to the ripe old age of 90. I'd say her health couldn't have been all that bad.

She's been playing you for decades, and you're letting her. You'll continue to let her until one or the other of you dies because you refuse to see just how much your mother has manipulated you and kept you her prisoner.

As for BF and his anxiety attacks, guess what? Methadone can cause anxiety attacks! Are you saying he's taking a "low dose" of methadone to prevent him from a recurrence of abusing pain medication? If it's such a low dose, it wouldn't block the effect of pain pills. Be that as it may, I'm done. Let mama rule the roost. Continue living in fear that you'll get sick someday. As a wise man once said, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Rw, Obligation to care for a child is incumbent upon a parent. Obligation tocare for (providing housing, food, mmedical care) is a voluntary obligation. We share it as a socity through Ss, Medicare etc. Your mother should NOT be telling you that you owe her caregiving.

Hi..

my boyfriend has been on methadone for years and has never had an anxiety attack before...even after his family member's deaths....it is his blood pressure which had been doing better and he got off the bp pills for months...but it shot up with the stress...the doctor tried him on his former bp meds but they are not working the same...hopefully the new pills will work better..am praying..

I am trying to keep balance...at home..my mom has lots of issues that I am trying to deal with...and not let her bother me...while taking the steps I need to free up more of my time etc.

not an easy dance...but working on it..

Good luck, dear. Keep us as the reality testing group!

Wow, I am so grateful to be reading this page, because I can totally relate to ReallyWorried and the unhealthy cocoon that mother wove around her daughter. I have been trying to break out of that thing all my life! My Mom also appears "sharp" but only since she moved nearby and I became her caregiver do I see the mental illness and thanks to this site I can see the Narc, the BPD, and Bi polar and God knows what else. The suspicions of knowing that relationship wasn't right have been present in your mind all your life, I bet. But guilt and the deduction that your life and mind are controlled by your mother kept you from standing up to yourself. Now as a frail elderly mother, she has a blanche carte to desperately pull every string she can with her woe is me crap. Yes, time to wake up.

The moment I realized I can't allow that relationship to continue as it had anymore, I lost my mother. No more trust on either side. My mother hasn't given me one second of love since. Oh well, that's the price to pay for your freedom. You can't allow a crazy person to keep you in emotional bondage and ruin your life! Can you? Perhaps there will be a healing or reunion, or perhaps not. But YOU will do so much better because you do have the responsibility to love thy self.

Your love for mother will survive in some form. Your mother will progress in her fashion, based on her own willpower for herself.

My mother has transfered her dependencies to other people: strangers even, to control and get her way. It's the Angel-Demon pattern, every day. I am the demon, everyone who does what she wants is an angel. I am quite sick of her company, to tell ya the truth!

You don't know what will be in store for you if you set boundaries and refuse to take any more emotional abuse, but I agree with the advice on this thread for you.
Find a counselor you can trust and grow into the person you already are but with additional inner resources. From my own experience, I am freer, happier, and more productive for myself. I am here when my mother needs me. She can do her mama trauma thing and I don't care anymore. That's HER stuff. I don't own it. I don't feel guilty. I only grieve for the little bond that we used to have, but looking back: it was all about her all along, most of the time.

We all pray for your strength to move forward into your own life, whatever that will look like. Believe me, I struggle with the residual question: who am I without her?
If you have a spiritual path, use it and you'll see how futile it is to fully trust anyone like that, especially a mentally ill person. I totally trust my creator above all. The love I have will be expressed, even in spite of my anger. Trust the process and be glad that this test has come to you to grow in spiritual stature. Not easy!

hi Juddha..thank you for your note.....I had no idea that so many people were dealing with caregiving issues and how it affects lives...

my mom is older than most of my friends moms by ten years and I am also an only child...so there is no one who really gets it...and others are more well to do and can afford more help or other living arrangements..

I guess learning how to step back and not let it affect my health and well being is the biggest lesson and not feeling guilty when you feel yourself wondering how much longer can this go on....seriously sometimes I feel I will go first....lol...

I do love my mom very much...but since this incident I am finding it hard to express as I am angry.....and even more so since my boyfriends blood pressure probems.... and I cannot share things with her as I see how things were used against my relationship...so yes counseling does help!!

Yes, it is hard to have some love for Mom left and because I refuse to play any of her games, she does a variety of ridiculous dramas and cuts me off every time. I must accept the fact that my mother is not here for me anymore. I am here for her and nice to her as possible. The relationship is now, "yes, uh-huh, that's nice." and she has no interest in me or my life at all. And as age progresses so will the loss, but heck, you can embrace yourself and the beauty within. Time to nurture yourself. Be your own cheerleader, your own hero. You know what: it's not all that different than when I was a child! No one was there for me then either. Maybe the lesson is to learn to find what is within you?

I guess it is just hard...my mom had been super there for me...it was us against the world....

this is just been so hard...because she does not see how it is all wearing me out...

but I agree about the lessons within....I know all of life has a purpose..to make us grow and get stronger....but sometimes you just want a break lol!!
night

Juddha your post shows how much you have learnt and grown. You still have the same amount of love to give. Because your mother "chooses' not to recieve it that is her problem not yours.Think of that love as a package that you are free to share any way you choose. Love is limitless, there is aways more where that came from. Sometimes that love is rejected and that is very painful but it is still there to be again shared. Sometimes you loose the person or object you love but the love is still there once the sadness lifts. Sometimes the mourning does not stop because the love has been fixed on one person such as a long time partner. This person can not liberate their love and reuse it. It is sad to see but the person who has suffered the loss has to co-operate with those prepared to help.
Love can be shared in so many ways, people animals service to name a few.
Juddha you still feel the obligation of a daughter to care for an elderly parent but are no longer prepared to sacrifice your inner self and lay it out to be destroyed. you have grown so much. It may take a village to raise a child but it also takes a lifetime to learn some lessons.

RW you are only just starting on your journey and still have so many choices to make. You are often distracted and continue to make poor choices. it is very hard because your "master" Mom still has such a tight hold on you. Let the Lord do his work and stop trying to nudge him in the "right" direction. Spend a lot of quiet time right away from distractions in a peaceful place. I used to walk a lot or sit in a church and let the peace find me. I also visited several convents and spent time with the nuns and sat in their chaples and joined their services. can you find somewhere quiet like a library where you can take your work if that is possible. you will get far more done away from the distractionss of home. Turn off your phone but call Mom at predetermined intervals to check on her but stick to your schedule. Don't let her cry wolf more than once.

Hey Reallyworried, how are things going for you, your boyfriend, and mom? Have things settled down (I hope)? Let us know how you're doing.

Hi ..some good news. I got my business back in order. My boyfriend moved in with me and just got a new job with a bigger company. Mom seems not to really remember the tongue incident...or she pretends not to.

So thanks to a lot of support and understanding from the group I was able to move forward...

It's not easy...lol...mom has had a lot of health issues---taking much of my time from boyfriend...... and the place is hotter than even before....
we got a portable ac for our bedroom but boyfriend cannot tolerate the rest of house....oye...

naturally keeping him away from mom as much as possible.....never having him touch her or be in any near contact.....which is hard as the townhome is narrow...but don't want any other incidents...

but hoping we can work this out as well......it's been a long hard road...

coping with my mom's many issues is really difficult....but want to give my own life a try....time will tell how it will all work...but I had to try...thanks for all the support and I will be in touch --cause as you all know the caregiver path is a real struggle!!

Great to hear from you, RW. It's a marathon, not a sprint!