Elderly blind Mom says boyfriend stuck tongue in her ear. What do I do?

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Hi..Could use some help. My mom is 83, blind and is not in too good shape. I am her only child and her caregiver for many years. We have a very close relationship. Last week she told me my boyfriend when giving her a hug goodbye shoved his tongue in her ear when I was in the other room getting ready for us to go to the movies. A sitter was right by their side and said he hugged her and gave a kiss on the side of her face but no tongue in the ear. Naturally I told my mom that I while I think she perceived this, I do not think it happened and reminded her that she said last year that her gay hairdresser did it and many years prior a lady neighbor. This is really a weird situation. It has been a huge strain on my relationship with my mom and boyfriend. She says blind people are victimized and she was very angry at my not believing her for days and days..lots of crying and fighting. My boyfriend has been very supportive but naturally I have kept him away. My mom says she would be afraid to be around him again and would have to hide in her room. My mom is quite sharp mentally. But does take ativan a few times a week and hydocodone cough syrup a few times a week as well. Any thoughts greatly appreciated. I am worn out physically and emotionally.

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Ativan and Hydrocodone have absolutely no effect on Alzheimer's. She needs proper meds from an MD. She is trying to drive your boyfriend off by any means possible and the accusations will become more bizarre. Your choices are: move out or move her into memory care. If you leave things as they are, you will have no boyfriend, and the police will be asking you why weird things are happening to your mother.
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Mom needs to see a doctor for a check up if for the only reason- to ask a doctor to document the "several identical accusations" before some poor person ends up in an elder sexual abuse investigation. Since its your boyfriend, sounds like she's trying to eliminate him ftom the picture. Can you see a pattern of using this to eliminate the hairdresser and neighbor? Its a cry for either needing to be seen as still attractive or maybe she was sexually assaulted in distant past. You should seek professional advice if it's interfering with your personal life- I assume she lives with you. Best of luck.
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I may erase before posting because you may not feel I am being kind or sensitive to your mother's needs. For that I apologise in advance.
First of all I absolutely agree with everyone who has posted above especially Pamstegman,and won't repeat my previous post.
Your mother did make sacrifices to take care of you when you were sick and support you while you developed your career, BUT thats what mothers do, they protect their younge and when they are grown they tip them out of the nest and do not expect to sit in the nest and wait for the younge to feed them. Some human young when they become sucessful do repay their parents handsomely but others if you have read much here have as little to do with the elder as possible until they die when they are hovering like vultures.
Of course you feel loyalty to your mother and want to care for her she has no one else.Why? She has lived the last thirty years of her life vicariously through you. your sucess was her sucess. You gave her bragging rights you made her feel more important than she really was. My mother was the same way. She would take labels from expensive brand name clothes so she could sew them into her own then leave her coat folded with the label showing. She saved her Christmas cards from year to year and put up the whole collection every year. One year I noticed one from us where I had just signed it with our names and she had written in "with much love" she expected me to write to her every other day. if I missed a day ( I had three young kids at the time I would get a letter that started out with 'I looked for your letter yesterday" I left home at 16 so she lost control then not that she ever really had it.
RW1 your mother took control when you were sick amd vulnerable and you had not idea it was happening, you took it for nurturing and concern and enjoyed the attention but it was actually brain washing. Pam is right Mrs Bates is a good example
You took a very good first etep in seeing a councillor and it was an excellent sign that B/F was willing to go with you. I think you should be continue to go together and seperately. Is your counciller older and experienced - someone who has seen it all before.
Four years is a long time to have been with the same guy so I assume you totally trust him and are secure in your relationship. going forward your loyalty has to shift from your mother who has raised and nurtured you to the male you will bond and mate with and form a secure union. This does not mean abandonig Mom but it does mean loosing the attitude that you owe her anything, there is a big difference between obligation and love. She will stop at nothing to break you up, this good man and any that follow him. You wan't find many that are will to take on and help support a MI and make her part of the famly, but no man will tolerate his intimate nights being interrpoted for frivolous reasons . It is your choice. Blessings So hear goes I am going to hit "Submit" and yes I do ubnderstand.
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Reallyworried1. Please re-read what you wrote above: she needs someone on her side in case I decide to stay with my boyfriend because then anything could happen to her...This is just total blackmail. Your Mother is destroying you and you are helping her along. I cannot believe you have kept your boyfriend by your side for four years and then have stood by and allowed your Mother to attack him for something as criminally stupid as sticking his tongue in her ear. Your Mother is probably at the beginning stages of dementia and might be aware of it to some degree but in her present state she has decided to make your life a living hell. On the other hand it is hard for me to sit here and read your defenses of your Mother's actions over and over again. Please get mad at her! Remember back to how you handled, if in fact you did, the two previous episodes in which your Mother made these ludicrous crude accusations. It is total nonsense that you are allowing your Mother to remain in your home with you while she is persecuting you and is openly taking great pain to hurt you terribly and to destroy your boyfriend and to
destroy any chance that you will have a loving future together. Also please consider taking a more mature position regarding your boyfriend's short term addiction to pain killers. That he told you this in honesty should not have opened him up to all sorts of accusations from your Mother and to fall prey to swirling doubts to his character in your mind. I have a hard time accepting the fact that you are a successful businesswoman of 45 and yet you cannot put your Mother in the place any else would in this situation. She is over the top, she has crossed a line and you have got to let her know it. Why do you treat her like she's a fragile bird when she comes across as someone who is intent on ruining your boyfriend and then taking you down too as well as any chance you and he have to be together and have the happiness you deserve. I can't tell you to "man up" but please do the female version of it. And stay strong and keep thinking and knowing that you don't deserve the s_it that's getting thrown your way. And like everyone else has said, Get your Mother to a doctor, pronto, before you check into the ER with your own chest pains! God bless.
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Depends how well you know your boy friend but I would tend to believe him given Mom's history. Don't argue with her tell her you believe what she is telling you and you will make sure it does not happen again.
Let her spend the time in her room when B/F comes over. Take her dinner on a tray and make sure you check on her from times to time. Don't let her control your life. this is only the tip of the iceberge and thes perception s are commen when someone has dementia. They become very clingy and may not let caregivers out of their sight. Tell B/F not to touch her again but not because you think he did anything wrong. If this is a long term serious relationship and B/F is a good man don't let mom spoil your life. Jealousy can be a very strong driving force for an elderly frightened person. Definitely get her evaluated and maybe different meds. Let the Dr know the story befor mom is seen.
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RW, I completely agree with French Madeline, with some additional - maybe easier to accept? - thoughts about your mother.

She is behaving monstrously, but not because she is a monster. She is fearful for all sorts of good reasons - her frailty, her disability, her very advanced age, her helplessness - but she is dealing with it very badly. I don't blame her for being afraid, I sympathise with her need for reassurance and security, BUT that is no reason for you to allow her to dictate terms.

Go back a bit. Here is where we are.

You are a successful, capable person.
You love your mother.
Your mother has substantial care needs, which you want to supply.
Your boyfriend sounds like a good, reliable and caring person who, however, for understandable reasons, is pretty pissed off with his position in the pecking order.
YOU HAVE NEEDS TOO.

What are they?

Now listen. To put it harshly, your mother will get what she's given. You are in charge of that household, just like you're in charge of your business. You make all the money, you pay the bills, you run the show. Yes, of course, you want everyone in your life to feel secure and cared for; but HOW that is achieved is for you to say.

Reductio ad absurdam: your mother's argument is that if you have an independent emotional life she is at risk of assault from weirdo perverts in the house. Come ON. It's bollocks, isn't it.

Sit down and picture her internal scenario for a little while. I want you to make the pictures as B movie daft as you can. I want you to see that your mother has got things crazily out of perspective.

Then, please remember who you are, what your abilities are, and most of all that what you're trying to achieve is a genuinely safe, comfortable and caring environment for your mother. Going along with her nightmarish imagination will not do that: on the contrary, you will be feeding her fear.

You have all of the real power in this relationship. You can walk out: she can't. You can have her consigned to residential care. You can hire professionals and refuse to go in the same room as her. There are all sorts of things well short of abuse or neglect that you could quite legitimately do that would make her very unhappy indeed; and the mere fact that you wouldn't DREAM of them is proof in itself of how much you care for her. Lady, you have nothing to prove.

Please call a moratorium on discussions with her for a limited period. "Mother, my personal life is not your business. I refuse to discuss this for the time being." She wants to make an appointment with a lawyer? Oh yeah? How's she going to do that, then? And how's she's going to get there? And how's she going to pay his fee? You shouldn't stop her, ethically speaking, but you don't have to encourage her. Say you're making the appointment. The call goes like this: "hello, my mother would like to see you to place a statement on record that my boyfriend stuck his tongue in her ear. What's that you say? That if she wishes to complain about an assault we need to call the police? Oh, okay. Thank you for your advice, I'll suggest that to her."

RW, I'm keenly aware that we're sitting at our computers telling you do this, do that, say this, say that. And you're in a house with your mother, and you're terrified, and it's not the same. But somehow, in whatever way works for you, detach. You don't have to do it for long, just for long enough to jam the brakes on this crazy situation and get back in control. Ask your therapist for effective, short term techniques. You are the boss, and everybody you care about needs you to be in charge.

Or, as I think FM meant to put it, get your big girl panties on. You can do this. We're all behind you.
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Reallyworried your mom has created an alternate universe for you two over the past 45 years. You're just starting to peek outside of that fairytale universe in the past few weeks. It's understandably scary as all get out for you, because the universe your mom has created for you isn't healthy for either of you. I think you sense that, but to admit it would be to admit that your mom has acted in ways without your best interest at heart. She may have a mental illness, she may be narcissistic, I have no idea.

But if you look at ALL of the feedback you've gotten from objective third parties, it's ALL in agreement that your mom is asking you to continue in an arrangement that isn't healthy for either of you. Your therapist says you're enmeshed with your mom. Your priest counsels you that your mom is making unreasonable demands on you. Your boyfriend wants to help you, despite your mom's accusations against him. Every single answer from this group of caregivers, who are dealing with lots of moms your mother's age or older are all saying you need to step away from allowing your mom to keep you entrapped in this cocoon of dysfunction. Will it be easy? No. Will it be good for BOTH of you? I really believe it will.

You are NOT the only person who can "save" your mom. Your mom wants you to believe that, because if you do believe that, you're tied to her forever. But in reality, your mom is a survivor. She'll do whatever it takes to get along. And she'll do just fine in assisted living or even independent living. Will she understand or agree to that willingly? I doubt it. Because she's going to want to keep you in your 2-person cocoon, where she controls you and she's happy.

But you have your own life to live. Your mom has lived her life. What mother wants her only beloved daughter to give up her life in 24-hour service to her mom? No healthy mom that I know would ever want that! They want their children to flourish in their own lives with husbands and children of their own.

Your mom needs to be with others her own age. There are a lot of blind or deaf or otherwise physically challenged people living just fine without a full-time caregiver child. Give your mom the chance to find her own strength. She has it, it's there.

We're here to support you through this very difficult transition in your life. You have a loving man who wants to work with you to make a life. Take him up on it. Let the priest talk to your mom. Let your counselor talk to your mom. Call in the reinforcements you need to get the strength to do what you need to do to get both of your lives back. Your mom CAN be independent, as can you. And in the end, you'll both be better for it.
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Look up "enmeshment" on Google...then it's clear why this is not as simple as we hoped and not so easy for this poster to grasp hold of. Also why she's so tired... dealing with insurmountable emotions and what seems like a no win situation could wear anyone out. Baby steps towards a better solution may have to do... It would almost take superhuman strength to just change Lord knows how many years of enmeshment into a healthy relationship overnight.
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Good Lord, RW, of course it's ethical! You'll be providing the psychologist with important information on your mother's behalf. In fact, I think that NOT giving him/her all the information is doing your mother a disservice. While you're at it, for heaven's sake, tell the psychologist about the other delusions---you had to move because she claimed she smelled odors no one else could smell; she has accused three different people of putting their tongue in her ear. It's about time someone addressed her deep, deep problems rather than, essentially, trying to find logical reasons for symptoms (delusions) that aren't logical in nature. Why on earth would you withhold information about the seriousness of her problems from her psychologist, when by revealing it, you give your mother a better chance of getting useful treatment and relief from what much be overwhelming anxiety? ReallyWorried, talking to or writing the psychologist is not only ethical, it's your responsibility! (Here's a thought --- what do other readers think about this --- suggest to the psychologist that s/he read this thread.)
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My mom went to heaven to be with my dad on Thanksgiving. Being an only child this has been really hard...but I am extremely grateful to the nurses at Hospice who gave me the 24/7 help I needed to care for my mom at home and to all of you who helped me through the scary journey this year has been. My mom passed with ...no fear and no pain so I am grateful. My mom and I had a beyond close relationship and even in death she was trying to look out for me. When the nurse told me she had passed I screamed and cried so loud it stopped her dying process. Over a half hour later Rick and the nurse told me I had to go up and talk to her.....while she was no longer breathing ....her heart would not rest....so I told her I would be ok..and Rick said he would take care of me.....the nurse then gave her more morphine and she passed.

Poor rick then had to help the nurse move her and take off the wound bandages....Rick closed her eyes and placed her hands on her check and then called me up ...and I held her til the funeral home came.

My mom devoted herself to me and I will love her forever. we promised my dad when he was dying 28 years ago that we would be ok and take care of eachother.......we faced it all ....literally it was the two of us against the world...sickness, blindness, financial problems etc...but through faith and God's help we made it.

This year has been emotionally grueling..but I would not have made it without this support group. I was clueless...as you know...lol....Yes I can laugh about it now, because now I see it was the dementia and I can let go off all the other emotions. of course when you all first told me to start looking at that as a possibility I could not accept it or believe it...but with your encouragement...I was able to get her and myself the help we needed. While it was a difficult time, I am grateful it was not too long. I know she is happy in heaven with my Dad now. And I look forward to being part of this community and helping others with their journeys. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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