How can you blame others for what you have done?

I didn't mean don't blame HER. I meant I PERSONALLY don't blame her. ;)

Yes, however, my main point remains. One cannot make a decision to take on a responsibility and then blame others when the responsibility is too much for them. Anyone who is "losing their own life and independence" because they became the elderly parent's caregiver - is doing it wrong.

Becoming caregiver does not mean Dad or Mom is entitled to be a great big PITA. They are still our parent, but they are not entitled to dwarf our needs with their demands. For example, they "will not allow outside help" - That is NOT their decision to make.

I don't think anyone did, Maggie. This was a pretty civil thread and she had a very valid point.

For heaven's sake, people. She's blowing off steam.

Don't blame her.

The only advice I would have for children not directly involved with caregiving is to maintain their relationship with the parent, independent of the other siblings. I know my mother loves it when my brothers call or visit. Not everyone can help directly. They live too far away or are raising a family. Letting the parents know they are important is the main thing.

Hi JessieBelle, no, I do not know anyone here. I apologize for placing this in the "questions" category - newb error. My apologies.

That said, we never know the reasons people do the things they do or do not . . . the things they do not. The particular thread I pointed out - "I hate my do nothing sib" (or some such) was in my opinion very hateful, divisive, and unproductive. With respect to those posting in the thread, I saw a ridiculous amount of martyrdom and little attempt at understanding the other side of the coin. Hence this thread. . . Just one single factor (of many potential) many people are out of work and have limited cash, but still have their own responsibilities and families to feed. I think hating them is flat out wrong.

Walk in the other guy's shoes works both ways.

Mousehunters, I wondered if this was written to someone here because it could have perfectly mirrored a thread I had just posted to. I wondered if you might be family to that person. If so, it would have been a look at the other side.

We all do have to take responsibility for our own decisions. I came to stay with my parents and don't feel anything about my brothers not helping. It surprises me that they don't call or come by more often, but that is between my parents and them. It doesn't involve me. I know they are involved in their own lives. I do feel a bit of jealousy, because they are having a lot more fun than I am. But I don't resent them not helping.

Many of us here know what you're talking about. We can't make decisions for ourselves and our parents, then blame the siblings for not responding like we like them to. They have to make their own decisions. Maybe they would have preferred the parent go into assisted living, but one person wanted the parents to stay at home. The ones who wanted AL for their parents aren't obligated to fall in line with the decision. It is a good point that you make about individual decisions.

makes me glad I don't have 'family'
what little I did have were a bunch of conniving, thieving, lying sob's.

I'm confused also. Who is YOU? Is this a family feud between people on the forum?

Good topic Mousehunter, I think perhaps JessieB was wondering why it was framed as a question rather than a discussion topic.
I have always taken ownership of my decision to care for my mom, but as you said there are many others who are angry at family members for not helping more. I think in a lot of cases people jump in to help in the midst of a crisis and then unfortunately find that the crisis has morphed into a long term commitment for which they didn't plan and aren't equipped to handle.

JessieBelle, this is an open forum, correct? I believe it is important to look at both sides of the coin. Having just finished reading approximately 400 post on the "I hate my do nothing sib", I felt and honest, open counter point was in order. A thread from and for those on the other side of the coin.

We all sleep in the bed we make for ourselves.

You are exactly right Fregflyer. There are lots of us (family) living here that could (and would be delighted to) help, entertain, and enjoy this parent/grandparent. We had the foresight to now this was a very bad idea (my post here only scratches the surface of the bonehead choices included in this move - buying a house for example. . .) And the one sibling with magical thinking refused to see the forest for the trees - now furious at the rest of us because the outcome is the nightmare we warned it would be. If I could turn back time indeed. . .

Mousehunters, I wondered who you were writing to. Do you have a relative on the group? Was it someone who recently posted? Maybe you should take it up with them personally or respond to them in their thread.

I've seen this over and over here on the forums, the sibling taking in the parent means well, is kindhearted, but didn't read up or was willing to listen on what all is involved.... then surprise surprise they are overwhelmed.

Or the other siblings want the aging parent to be in a continuing care facility because they all know it would be difficult for one person to take care of the parent.... yet the one sibling who took in the parent is now complaining no one is helping. If the other siblings jump in to help, all they are doing is enabling that elder to keep aging in place instead of being in another layer of care.

That is what happened to my parents, being an only child I looked around and I was *it*.... and I was enabling my parents [mid-90's] to keep remaining in their large home by helping here or there.... now everything is a nightmare. If only I could turn back time.