Bipolar brother has become homeless and mom, in home hospice, is considering taking him in.

Yes, she can legally throw him out. The house is owned by her parents and neither they, nor she even gave him permission to move in in the first place to my knowledge. She has been trying to cut ties with him for quite some time.

And no, he will not be moving in with me, my husband, my 2 young adult children, dog & cat. No way in hell. This is my sanctuary and the only thing keeping me sane right now.

In other news my ex SIL (who has been helping with mom since she came home on hospice, but just dropped out) hinted on me taking in her and my brother’s young adult daughter. I’m the family savior. It’s been like this since I was a kid. When I was a kid I didn’t understand that that was my assigned role. But now I’m 58 years old and I’m f@#$ing done with it.

I have never used my POA. Have never even showed the documents to anyone but the attorney. I never formally agreed to be mom’s caregiver. I’ve only written out her bills (paid her caregivers) and done her banking & shopping. I really don’t want to walk away. I’ve come all this way and mom does seem to be declining now. But if she lets him move in it’s going to be more than I can bear.

And if the M-F live in caregiver quits because of him (I would if I were her), it’s going to be a wrap anyway.

Re: reaching out to the gf..SHE contacted mom to see if mom would take him in (again). Mom said, do you know what hospice is? She didn’t reply.

Your Mom sounds like she wants to fix or save your Brother. It's her child. It's a very different dynamic to a sibling.

I write from the perspective of someone who's own folks have wanted me to take in, take on, support, pay for, prop up & generally enable a sibling (with special needs). It came from a good place, from wanting to ensure their child is ok. They did not see the damage on my life.

Rather than 'save' your brother by giving him money or a place to live, I'd explain to your Mom that are other ways to help him. To point him towards metal health services. I know these services are stretched & not always as good as we'd like, but staff have the skills to work with people & help them take steps towards taking on what responsibility they can for themselves. That's what your Brother needs - long term services & support.

Practically, all I can think of is cameras around Mom's home. If this Brother is in any way agressive, he needs to be formally removed & possibly legally kept away.

You can't allow him to move in with you. The explosive anger is enough to disqualify him as anyone's housemate.

Your brother needs more help than family can give.

I'm truly sorry you're faced with this mess.

Don't let him move in with you. Since his ex-girlfriend kicked him out, it's no telling what the heck went down between those two. Untreated bipolar disorder is too much for anyone to deal with under these circumstances.

I've witnessed folks who weren't on their bipolar medications, and it is not a pretty sight to say the least. I'm getting the impression that something is amiss here.

Since your Mom answered to the GF "do you know what hospice is" then Mom may not really want him there but he is her son. I may just lay everything out on the table for her. Him being there may cause the aide to leave. He has lived with her before and did nothing. He will be more trouble than he is worth. Does she want to deal with his temper?

I would tell the aide to keep doors locked at all times. Refuse to open the door to him. If he gets angry or volitile she is to call the police. Tell them she is taking care of a dying women and family does want him to live there because of his mental issues.

That’s exactly right. Mom wants to help, save, and make sure he’s ok before she dies. I get that. The ironic thing is that when she finally kicked him out after 10 years he got his dream job, housing, and had much success. The fact that it ended was because the business shut down abruptly and let everyone go. His housing was provided by the job.

Everyone told mom that if she stopped enabling him he would be successful. They were right. Now he has fallen on hard times again but has proven himself capable of pulling through it. He’s already landed another good job. He’s not nearly as helpless as she thinks he is. His problem is massive debt. But it’s not medical or anything, it’s mostly (not all) a result of overspending.

I think the best thing for him is to let him make it on his own. He told me when we talked a few months ago that he’s on his meds. Mom thinks she or I need to save him. We don’t.

Lily,
Step away from it.
Mom isn't assessed and you are correct, if she fights any guardianship she would win.
Let her give her money now to whomever she wishes.
You have long tried to intervene.
To no avail.
I know I will have already recommended to you Liz Scheier's wonderful memoir Never Simple in which she tried to intervene for her mom for decades to no avail. Please read it. A favorite of both me and Barb. And know that Barb is correct. Not everything can be fixed.
This trauma for your life is of your own making when you continually step in it with Mom. There is no protecting those who do not want help.
The needy child OFTEN ends up where your brother is, and the parent of a needy child where your mother is. Stop trying to step in front of a speeding train to stop it. It doesn't work.

If your mother moves him in let her know you will not visit nor take part in her care.
It will be him and her and good luck to them.
And no, of course he won't be moving in with you.
There is no negotiation on these things. Your mother is of sound mind and will make her own decision and there is no arguing with that. There is only letting HER KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF SAID DECISION.
And then stick to it.
Once she is gone then it is the legal channels of eviction and so on. You already know those and they are legal matters about which there is little choice or option. Those are simple. It is NOW that is of concern.

As far as this suggestion/idea that bro should move in with you????
Oh. Sure. Whyever not. Just don't be writing us about it, because I can't even begin to guess at what sort of disaster that would be. I would have spontaneously combusted had such a thing been uttered in my presence.

Lily you are very lucky your brother is able to work with his mental illness. Mom has to stop trying to save him because when she is gone you are not going to take up that mantle.

Lily, not everything is fixable. Not by mere humans. Not by you.

Sounds like maybe the abused GF is setting some boundaries. Which is her right

Brother's problems--being abusive, having money issues, exploiting mom-are NOT fixable by you or mom.

It sounds to me like the time is LONG past to get mom into LTC.