Bipolar brother has become homeless and mom, in home hospice, is considering taking him in.

If I’m being honest I really have hurt feelings that GF just dumped me like that. I welcomed her into my home for every holiday, and supported her in getting domestic violence help, which resulted in my brother not speaking to me for over 2 years.

When she finally said she was cutting ties with him for good I respected that and wished her well. SHE let him back in and now she wants mom to promise to take him in since she’s kicking him out.

I know there’s nothing to be done or said. It just hurts especially when I’m so raw anyway. Plus she and mom were close for a while and I would think she would care that mom is dying. Now mom is going to wonder why she ghosted her, and it was because of my attempt to help her. Even though mom is legally competent, we all know she’s not really competent, and she is vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

I did buy that book btw. My mom was a stay at home mom in a 2 parent household. Classroom mother, Girl Scout leader, Sunday school teacher, the works. But there was a lot of guilt and shame, so I’m sure I will identify with some things in the book.

Find out if there are any Churches that are allowing the homeless to come in when its code blue out. The temps here have been in the teens. Your brother cannot sleep in his car in these temps.

Lily,
Step away from it.
Mom isn't assessed and you are correct, if she fights any guardianship she would win.
Let her give her money now to whomever she wishes.
You have long tried to intervene.
To no avail.
I know I will have already recommended to you Liz Scheier's wonderful memoir Never Simple in which she tried to intervene for her mom for decades to no avail. Please read it. A favorite of both me and Barb. And know that Barb is correct. Not everything can be fixed.
This trauma for your life is of your own making when you continually step in it with Mom. There is no protecting those who do not want help.
The needy child OFTEN ends up where your brother is, and the parent of a needy child where your mother is. Stop trying to step in front of a speeding train to stop it. It doesn't work.

I don’t feel like guilt tripping mom into taking him in, and then saying she would never speak to me or mom again when I respectfully asked her to stop is GF’s way of getting boundaries. I thought she was getting boundaries a year or more ago when she went so therapy, formulated a safety plan, left as if she were going to work and then literally left the continental US for over a month. But then she came back and MOVED IN with him again. None of that is my problem though.

Many have said (even before this latest episode) not to let mom give B money. How can I stop her? I would literally have to have her transported by ambulance to a competency evaluation. How could I ever convince her to do that? Plus she would probably pass. Same problem with LTC. SHE makes her own decisions.

Just like the man here recently who tried to have hospice help get his schizophrenic wife into a facility, I asked hospice to evaluate mom’s competency in light of her recent behavior, forgetfulness and then anger at other people for carrying out her wishes after forgetting she was the one who asked to have certain things done. They will NOT go there. They will admit off the record that she “seems forgetful” or “ wasn’t making sense” but they will not formally assess her competency.

The lawyer said Medicaid will not pay for how ever many days the gifted money would have covered. She’s already up to about 2 months, and yes I have explained this to her over and over (as did the lawyer). So what do we do? Even if I literally walked out on this situation today, I’m not going to leave my mom uncared for for 2 months when she runs out of money. Thus my gut churning sleepless nights.

Lily, not everything is fixable. Not by mere humans. Not by you.

Sounds like maybe the abused GF is setting some boundaries. Which is her right

Brother's problems--being abusive, having money issues, exploiting mom-are NOT fixable by you or mom.

It sounds to me like the time is LONG past to get mom into LTC.

It sounds as though B is currently functioning quite well, and isn’t in need of ‘rescuing’ because “he’s already landed another good job”. Take that line with M. Also tell her that if he moves in with her, she is leaving YOU with a serious problem if she passes and he refuses to leave.

Surely she doesn’t expect you to pay his “massive debts”? If he has no substantial assets, perhaps he should consider bankruptcy so that he can make a fresh start. He needs to take responsibility for himself, M doesn't need to do it.

So it turns out brother does NOT have a job and is sleeping in his car (and it’s FREEZING here). I was over mom’s today and she was literally in tears about not being able to take him in, saying she had to give him money, and then saying she would tell him he could sleep down cellar (unfinished), as if that wasn’t letting him move in.

I said that was not a good idea and that the aid would run into him in the middle of the night coming up from the cellar to use the bathroom, he would also use the kitchen and the laundry AND he would never leave.

I suggested she invite him over on a weekend day to take a hot shower and do his laundry. In the meantime we would help him find a room to rent and/or apply for social services or whatever we could reasonably do. (Don't forget mom gave him almost $10,000 just a few months ago which is going to mess up her Medicaid application.)

I texted ex GF who mom is texting with, getting mom all upset. My text said, “I have to respectfully request that you stop asking mom to take in B. She is actively dying..”. I went on to explain that she has live in aids, could not accommodate him, and she would soon be applying for Medicaid. I tried to word it as kindly as possible. This woman has been in our lives for years, and has been abused by my brother. I didn’t want to be hurtful.

I was stunned that GF replied by saying she’s deleting me, would never contact my family again and more. I thought she would at least care that my mother is dying. I’m just at a loss. I feel really bad for my brother, but I’m laying awake at 11:45 pm feeling almost sick that I just got mom and I cut off from someone who’s been part of the family for over 15 years. I was trying to alleviate some of mom’s stress. Now mom will be hurt that she is being cut off.

I also got calls from the hospice nurse today, there are questions about the medication. The aid is saying I’m underpaying her, even though we have a signed, written contract. It’s all just too much. I feel like there is no peace in my life, even when I’m not there. And my husband is furious. He’s on my side, but having him angry makes things worse. It’s a nightmare that never ends.

That is so true. There will be no deathbed promises made. I already told mom I will do the best I can for him. That means if she doesn’t lose her house to nursing home care, I will make sure he gets his inheritance and whatever else I can REASONABLY help him with.

As far as those saying to lock him out etc, he actually started doing one short 2 hour shift a week caring for mom. It may give him the opportunity to move in, idk, but it is before the caregiver comes on Monday and is a very difficult time for me to be there.

Despite his overall lack of help, he has been agreeable and supportive of my decisions. I really don’t want to have to have a war with him. And why should I have to be the bouncer on top of everything else? He’s also in poor health. I just pray things can be worked out peacefully without him moving in to mom’s house. I’m so stressed, and I’m on my way over there now for the rest of the weekend *sigh*

Lily you are very lucky your brother is able to work with his mental illness. Mom has to stop trying to save him because when she is gone you are not going to take up that mantle.

That’s exactly right. Mom wants to help, save, and make sure he’s ok before she dies. I get that. The ironic thing is that when she finally kicked him out after 10 years he got his dream job, housing, and had much success. The fact that it ended was because the business shut down abruptly and let everyone go. His housing was provided by the job.

Everyone told mom that if she stopped enabling him he would be successful. They were right. Now he has fallen on hard times again but has proven himself capable of pulling through it. He’s already landed another good job. He’s not nearly as helpless as she thinks he is. His problem is massive debt. But it’s not medical or anything, it’s mostly (not all) a result of overspending.

I think the best thing for him is to let him make it on his own. He told me when we talked a few months ago that he’s on his meds. Mom thinks she or I need to save him. We don’t.

Your Mom sounds like she wants to fix or save your Brother. It's her child. It's a very different dynamic to a sibling.

I write from the perspective of someone who's own folks have wanted me to take in, take on, support, pay for, prop up & generally enable a sibling (with special needs). It came from a good place, from wanting to ensure their child is ok. They did not see the damage on my life.

Rather than 'save' your brother by giving him money or a place to live, I'd explain to your Mom that are other ways to help him. To point him towards metal health services. I know these services are stretched & not always as good as we'd like, but staff have the skills to work with people & help them take steps towards taking on what responsibility they can for themselves. That's what your Brother needs - long term services & support.

Practically, all I can think of is cameras around Mom's home. If this Brother is in any way agressive, he needs to be formally removed & possibly legally kept away.

Since your Mom answered to the GF "do you know what hospice is" then Mom may not really want him there but he is her son. I may just lay everything out on the table for her. Him being there may cause the aide to leave. He has lived with her before and did nothing. He will be more trouble than he is worth. Does she want to deal with his temper?

I would tell the aide to keep doors locked at all times. Refuse to open the door to him. If he gets angry or volitile she is to call the police. Tell them she is taking care of a dying women and family does want him to live there because of his mental issues.

Yes, she can legally throw him out. The house is owned by her parents and neither they, nor she even gave him permission to move in in the first place to my knowledge. She has been trying to cut ties with him for quite some time.

And no, he will not be moving in with me, my husband, my 2 young adult children, dog & cat. No way in hell. This is my sanctuary and the only thing keeping me sane right now.

In other news my ex SIL (who has been helping with mom since she came home on hospice, but just dropped out) hinted on me taking in her and my brother’s young adult daughter. I’m the family savior. It’s been like this since I was a kid. When I was a kid I didn’t understand that that was my assigned role. But now I’m 58 years old and I’m f@#$ing done with it.

I have never used my POA. Have never even showed the documents to anyone but the attorney. I never formally agreed to be mom’s caregiver. I’ve only written out her bills (paid her caregivers) and done her banking & shopping. I really don’t want to walk away. I’ve come all this way and mom does seem to be declining now. But if she lets him move in it’s going to be more than I can bear.

And if the M-F live in caregiver quits because of him (I would if I were her), it’s going to be a wrap anyway.

Re: reaching out to the gf..SHE contacted mom to see if mom would take him in (again). Mom said, do you know what hospice is? She didn’t reply.

First all, can the girlfriend legally throw him out of the home he shares with her? Is his name on the lease or property deed as well as hers? If it is, then she can't just throw him out just like that unless there's a court order. This would definitely be worth checking out.

Most definitely and under no circumstances should you move him in with you. Don't trouble your mother who is getting hospice care with telling her you will not have him at your place. She's dealing with enough.

If your mother lets him come back to her place, she lets him come back. It's out of your hands. Your mother knows how he is and what he does. So if she takes him back, there's nothing you can do because that's her choice.

Is it possible for you to reach out to the ex-girlfriend and find out what happened and why she threw him out? Or is she just as big a drama mess as he is? If she's reasonable, have a talk with her. Maybe she'd be willing to take him back because of the situation with your mother.

It's your mother's choice though. If she lets him come back, don't you be a baby about it and refuse to help her with anything or visit. You still can still do for her and have a relationship with her. You'll have to work around him and establish some serious boundaries with her.

Remember, she is your mother and you will be there for her. That has nothing to do with your brother. If he gets out of control, that's what the cops are for.

Good luck to you and your mother. I sure hope your brother does not end up at her house.

Don't let him move in with you. Since his ex-girlfriend kicked him out, it's no telling what the heck went down between those two. Untreated bipolar disorder is too much for anyone to deal with under these circumstances.

I've witnessed folks who weren't on their bipolar medications, and it is not a pretty sight to say the least. I'm getting the impression that something is amiss here.

If your mother moves him in let her know you will not visit nor take part in her care.
It will be him and her and good luck to them.
And no, of course he won't be moving in with you.
There is no negotiation on these things. Your mother is of sound mind and will make her own decision and there is no arguing with that. There is only letting HER KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF SAID DECISION.
And then stick to it.
Once she is gone then it is the legal channels of eviction and so on. You already know those and they are legal matters about which there is little choice or option. Those are simple. It is NOW that is of concern.

As far as this suggestion/idea that bro should move in with you????
Oh. Sure. Whyever not. Just don't be writing us about it, because I can't even begin to guess at what sort of disaster that would be. I would have spontaneously combusted had such a thing been uttered in my presence.

You can't allow him to move in with you. The explosive anger is enough to disqualify him as anyone's housemate.

Your brother needs more help than family can give.

I'm truly sorry you're faced with this mess.