Best ways to communicate with out-of-town siblings who are a bit passive aggressive?

Never agree to be the care giver of a parent if another out of town sibling is the POA. They will never appreciate your work. Only the boots on the ground care giver should be the POA or a professional trusted advisor.

You say to mom (calmly) brother is arranging it all. Your job is not to worry. He'll call me with details when he has the plans worked out.

Talked to her doctor about some antianxiety meds for her. And try only accepting one call a day from her.

Remind your brothers that while Mom has a memory problem she does not have an intelligence issue. She deserves to be informed of the basic plan for her well being. She might not remember it so maybe you can write down a message on something that she can have at her side to read when her questions start to come. Not knowing the distance from Mom to brother by your information please remember that a move could make Mom more anxious as a result of change.

first, calm down! Nothing will be gained by your outbursts and the brother with the POA has all the power. All you will do is get yourself upset, and stop taking so many calls from your mother. Bed bugs are no "nuisance" problem, they can cause disease in the person bit. That's an excellent reason to move to another apt. Break the lease and get your mother into another place after she leaves the nursing home if your POA brother agrees. Stop fighting like children!

It sounds like you are a long overdue and much needed in-person help for your mom. Good for you for taking responsibility. It also sounds like she is definitely not doing as well as perhaps your siblings think she is. Either that or they may not really want the responsibility. Someone needs to take charge and be a physical, helpful and caring presence. A home caregiver agency can do this and can help you deal with all the environmental, physical and emotional issues that affect your mom's well being. I have been there and done that. Siblings may constantly be at odds but the main focus must be your mom. Her previous condition was not acceptable and with the right help you can improve it tremendously. POA does not sound like they are aware or concerned enough to have prevented the unacceptable situation your mom was in. Get legal help.

Cathy2016, You sound very intelligent and mature. Forgive yourself for a meltdown, we have all done that. The caretaker is typically the lightning rod. Siblings that do the least are the biggest critics. They are silent because they don't want to hear about the problem or have to deal with the problem. I would love to hear more from you when your Mom lives near your brother. Much love to you.

Not relevant for you any more, but for others who need to communicate with a number of people about their loved one, I found CaringBridge to be a very helpful resource. I used it myself to tell friends and family about my husband's journey with dementia. I have used it to read about the progress of a cousin and also a coworker.

It is free. You update it as often as you want -- weekly or 3 times a day or whatever. People can read it when it is convenient or skip it if they don't want that much detail. And, very importantly, everyone hears exactly the same thing.

If your mom has dementia, she CAN'T learn how to use a new cellphone. It's not a metter of WON'T.

LOL, Barb!
My mother also can't use a straightforward pedometer, or open a box of sandwich bags with out ripping it so that it no longer functions as a container. She has _always_ been like this, so it is hard to determine what is dementia, and what is just the way she is.

Please note that in the sentence following my mention of her antipathy to cell phones, I just move on to a solution that she likes and has used. I accept that. I laughed and took pictures when I saw the way she put up a contact wall hook by tacking it to the the wall with the sticky like the strip was tape, and her "box" of baggies.

We just don't know what her cognitive or social issue was. She was so defended she would never allow anyone to help. Instead she threw up roadblocks to receiving supportive professional help, one after another. My aunt and I both remember when we got old enough to realize that she was different, there was something going on. As a child, all I could do was my best to cope.

Now she has dementia too. Double layer. No different than ever, which makes the dementia much easier to accept for me.

What I have learned, is that I have to take care of myself first. Otherwise I have nothing to offer her. So when I have reached my limit of supportiveness, I need to bow out, and send in others that care about her. Attempting to help her at that moment will backfire badly, my frustration will show and she will feel attacked. Then she'll attack out, and I'll be in a unproductive stew for days.

I will use this opportunity to learn how to respond rather than react.

Oh Cathy, i get what you mean. There are folks eho are mechanically snd or spatially challenged, and it sounds as though your mom has had some issues that predate aging.

It's just that we get lots of folks here who have parents with dementia, and the seem to think that their parents are trying to manipulate them. Sorry that my assumption was erroneous.