What would be the best way to move my mom from VA to FL?

I wouldn't EVER consider turning your life upside down by moving yourself closer to your mother. That would be the worst thing you could do. You have your own life to live, your parent has to understand that. If she won't move, I would suggest you get an agency involved and do whatever it takes to have her cared for at home or at a facility.

My dad was also adamant about not leaving Kansas but he at least knew he couldn't stay in his own home. So we gave up about him moving near us and let him stay there and moved him to an IL apartment. Three months later he wanted to move near one of us, because he realized he made a mistake. It was his decision so at least we didn't get blamed for it. So we moved him to be in an IL place by me. Yes, it wasn't cheap to move him twice,(and twice the work for us sisters) but it's been done and I'm glad. It could have worked with him staying in KS, but it would have meant more frequent visits by me because he's had several health issues, falls etc. and is now in AL.

Leaving aside all the discussion about the advisability of moving an elder, have you considered renting an RV to make the trip? You would have everything you need right there, able to sleep, cook and no bathroom issues. Give it some thought if mom agrees to the move.

You don't say how advanced your mom's memory problems are. If she is unable to care for herself, then it's often challenging to step in and ensure she's safe. She may never agree to move or have care, but if she's far enough progressed into dementia, she can't keep calling the shots. There are ways to deal with it, but you may need to consult with an attorney in your mom's state about what that involves. I hope it doesn't go that route.

Do you have Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare POA, etc.

Have you considered having her come to VISIT with you for a trial run. Just to see how she likes it. Then, after she's been there awhile figure out what the next steps are. She may decide to stay after all.

While flying is so much faster, delays and crowds sometimes agitate dementia patients and she could become overly anxious and cause a scene. I would hate to get to the gate and her create a scene that she doesn't want to go. I'd weigh that out.

I would also be very aware of the tip from Joannes about Medicaid. If she is on Medicaid, keep in mind that it changes by state, so she would need to apply in Florida if she moves there and be aware of any residency requirements.

So she has never flown before, give her a new adventure. (I say this having had a pilot husband). Or do what we are doing moving from AZ to Oceanside, CA. It is a 6 hour drive, and I intend to drive 3 hrs. and rest in a hotel/motel when I get tired. I have driven from VA to FL and it is a straight shot on I-95, but once you get to FL the traffic is horrific. Flying will land you at Miami and then rent a car from there. Good luck! You can do this. (I'm renting a POD to put on my driveway, pack it leisurely, then have others pack it, and then the POD people drive it to CA - just a thought if she has a lot of stuff).

Hopefully you won't have to physically take her from her home. There will be tears. There will be stony silence for awhile. She will want to load the U-Haul with stuff you don't think she needs. If she owns a home she will swear the realtor is cheating her. When we did it we just drove through but it was tough on her. Nothing will be as good as where she was, nothing. We had to move my mother because she was basically helpless living alone in the house where I grew up. Her two brothers lived near by but didn't lift a finger to help her. We had no choice. Biggest mistake was moving her to our house. Not a good idea. She was resentful for months after the move. She lives in an AL facility near us now. Much better choice. Worse we had to move her against her will a second time.

When moving your mother it is important to understand that every case is unique. I find that the first step when moving an elder should always be to understand the elder’s resistance to move. Your mother may fear yielding her housing, financial, and day-to-day decisions to third parties. It is very important for your mother to know that her opinion is what matters most. This should be applied to figuring out how she will travel to you.

Before deciding on driving, consider if there are 'care' needs while driving....meds, bathroom, regular meals and extra time to get out and walk about, due to her age. I am 72, and I cannot drive more than 3-4 hours at a time, without being in pain for the next two days, and I have to have a couple breaks in those 3-4 hours too. So, for me, that is about 200 miles in a day max! Also, is Mom on Medicaid, as that is a problem if you move to another state. She would have to come off Medicaid in her own state, and then go through a reapplication in a new state under their system. IF she's not, but she might need it later on, I would, for sure, get her moved first, as Medicaid applications are time consuming! With my Mom, we opt for flying only, because she is on meds 3x/day and breathing treatments and oxygen....but perhaps another option for your Mom, would be a train ride in your area?

Llamalover47 has another strong point. Some papal may be able to adapt very well, others may not be able to adapt as well whereas others may not be able to adapt at all.

Another thought

Just like some people are able to work well with others, others don't have that capacity and may work better alone. People are who they are because God made them all different. We are not all alike and we're all wired differently for a purpose. Some people don't mind being around others a lot whereas others need more alone time. Believe it or not, even our bodies are all different.

Conclusion

We're all different for a reason. Each person has their own capabilities including various limits on adaptation. It's not just the older people who may not be able to adapt, there are some younger ones as well. For instance, one person may adapt very well in some areas but maybe not necessarily so well in other areas. If someone is not able to adapt to something, the next question is whether or not they can learn to adapt. Some situations though just cannot be adapted to, depending on the needs of the person. If they cannot adapt to something, then it shouldn't be forced upon them because it could be detrimental to their health and well-being, maybe in some cases even their lives. In cases where people just cannot adapt to whatever it is they can't adapt to, before judging remember God may have made them that way for a specific purpose. A hammer will never be a teacup and vice a versa

My 85 yr alz spouse travels well in car w me driving. We drive 1200 miles. We got 2 motels. Make sure night lite in bathrm. He has flown the rd trip. Call airlines tell them dementia so need to sit togather & get a wheelchair going & arriving. Worked good 2 1/2 hr flight each way. Get a one time relaxer pill if need be. Make it an exiting trip eather way. We observe lots of beautiful clouds to make time go by driving. 2nd dY i layed his seat way back w pillows & he slept a lot. Stop often for potty & eat or ice cream. Good luck whatever you decide. Our reason is south winter & north summer God willing again this year.