Best way to break the news gently that I will be unavailable for "chores" after Mom gets vaccinated?

You sit her down and make her listen. Tell her flat out you are NOT going to do this or that. You can't for whatever reason (make something up if need be). Tell her you will arrange for caretakers but you are out of the picture. Let her rant and rave. So what? You need to take care of yourself so now do it. Let her be mad and if she is, don't talk to her until she has caretakers and "accepts" what must be. She made her bed, now let her lie in it.

trials: Imho, seemingly the more that you do for your mother, the more she will want. Step back and let her call back in the helpers.

Um.

"She says she won't let anyone in the house that could give her covid."

And what makes her think that you can't give her Covid?

Get an appointments diary. For the next couple of weeks, write down the tasks involved in supporting her so that you have a comprehensive list. Source tradespeople who can undertake them. Give her the numbers. Book your next time away and tell her when you're going (this particular trip could be hypothetical/conceptual, by the way. You don't actually have to show her the tickets and reservations, after all).

I have to say, I think you've allowed yourself to be suckered into your current position, and it is bound to be a little uncomfortable detaching from it no matter how delicate your approach. But this too will pass. Focus on the practicalities and just get it done.

You can't worry about upsetting the apple cart. She has already upset yours! Just decide what you want to do and do it, as others have said here. She probably will get upset, but then what? That's not on you.

I would not give her a whiff of things going back to normal after the vaccination, she will have a thousand reasons not to get it.

All I know is the more that I tried to please my mom, the more I became miserable.

I didn’t even realize the pressure that I placed on myself.

Sometimes we get so caught up in disappointing our moms or being afraid of backlash that we completely neglect ourselves.

We don’t need a long explanation explaining why we can’t go on helping out because it most likely will not be received well anyway.

So keep the message short such as, ‘This isn’t working out very well for me so I am no longer available to help you. If you like, I will help you make other arrangements.’

My INLAWS do this all of the time when we visit - clean the windows - entire house, etc. I am not afraid to be an @#$## so i tell them "no" and then i get the song and dance about family should help their elders - etc. Then the rest of the family comes over for a family dinner and hears how i won't help poor old MIL and FIL, sob-sniff. Not their son, mind, their DIL. They expect my DH and FIL to go golfing, my MIL and SON go to the park, and i take care of the list of chores. NOPE.

You have to have a backbone. It got so heated last visit that i changed my home bound flight and left early. DH and son got another week and it was hell for them. Nagging them to do all of the stuff i wouldn't, then criticizing the quality of the work done, AND expecting my DH to pay for a painter because they did not like the job he did.  [he refused]

Your mom is bulldozing  you - say "NO" politely. There are great licensed and bonded services that will be happy to do this work.

Sometimes you have to upset the applecart to get rid of the rotten apples.

Your mother is using you. Inform her that you will continue after a contract is made and she will pay you the going rate ( not minimum wage, professional rate). See how fast she changes her mind.

Be firm but respectful. If she refuses to listen and tries manipulation inform her there will be no contact until she mature and apologize for her conduct and agrees to either pay you or shut up.

greygrammie makes sense that Mom wants more time with me. The only thing is she genuinely will think up 'chores' if I do sit with her for more than a half hour. Even then mostly our interactions involve me doing something for her. She doesn't necessarily want to be close, just heard. I have always tried to help her especially in old age, additionally she has always been overbearing close to borderline and her old age makes it worse. She yells at the veterinarian, the entire office really, has fits with the pharmacists, calls the grocery delivery service demanding items be comped due to small issues, in short, she has become a tyrant when she doesn't get her way. I would just leave, but when I do this will come crashing down and she'll be in AL very unhappy within the year. Then it will be all the family members questioning why we didn't do more to keep her in her home lol
I'm content living my semi retirement exploring new places and coming back here on the regular, but I need to be able to leave for a few months at a time like before covid hit. Now that I have my residence separate from hers she won't even notice I'm gone except when she doesn't get her way... I'm going to wait for her to be fully inoculated and then make a flurry of phone calls, we will get the same aides or move on, either way a few weeks from now I'm taking a several week break from here

Perhaps it is your companionship that Mom is trying to hold on to. If you assured her that you would spend time with her but that she needs to hire folks for the things that are becoming a burden to you, maybe she would be willing to take the step. I think she could feel that if you don't keep doing all those things, then she might not see you at all. Perhaps set up dates with mom so she can look forward to those times together. Nothing is more precious to me than time with my daughters (well, except for time with the grandkids).

Ooh I’m in a very similar situation where my mum would be quite happy for me to do intimate care when it’s needed. To the extent that said she would sit in her own mess if I didn’t. I would like to get one hour a week care in just in case we need to step it up. I realised I was being manipulated by you and it was very hard but I have finally done it. Sat her down and said ‘No I will not be there to do it.’ You have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot please her and protect yourself as they are opposites. I have also put it in writing to my brother who also expects me to do it. The alternative is that you will sacrifice yourself. Don’t do it be firm and don’t expect her to love you more if you do more. You will be disappointed. Good luck x

I know it is easier said than done, but you need to be straightforward and firm with your mom.  Politely tell her you have no desire to be her housekeeper.  She needs to do it herself and if that is not possible, she needs to hire it out. 

When you are dealing with a self absorbed person who expects you to do those things without recognizing that you have your own home to take care of and may not have any desire to work yourself to death taking care of their home too...she is not going to take the news well.  She will more than likely throw a hissy fit and you're just going to have to let her do it.

Just tell her you want to be her daughter, not her housekeeper.

Sit mom down and explain what you will and will not do. Explain that she needs her paid helpers again for the tasks you will not do any more. Call the helpers (in your mother's presence) and rehire them. Put mask, gloves and hand sanitizer by her door and ask her helpers to use them when they are there. This way you are stull protecting your mother's health and freeing yourself from the tasks your will not do anymore.

You get her the vaccination, buy gloves, masks, sanitizer and insist with a sign on the door that all who enter must wear the items. You sit down with her and make phone calls in her presence to get the helpers back on schedule. Don't ask her or try to have a conversation with her.

Just find out how quickly CDC says the vaccine should build the antibodies. Mark it on your calendar and on that date you go over there and let her know it's safe to go back to the old routine.

If she goes off on you because of it, then ease her back in to having the helpers. Schedule the first one with specific duties and you continue with the outside tasks like groceries, Rx. After a couple of weeks add the next helpers.

Again, the contributors here are pretty realistic. TY
The more contact I have w/Mom the more persistent she is with demands. The lockdown and her dr appts coincided so I missed the holidays home w/my partner.
I haven't been home since july, I cant wait to get out of here, but Mom says "you're leaving me high and dry"
I know it's coming, and I have run out of patience.
Covid has her thinking my presence is a given.
Again thanks for the ear and so many great ideas on how to make the transition upcoming seem more manageable

What are you willing to do?
Have a general chat about how good it is to be able to get back to some levels of normality - and how much YOU are looking forward to being able to go back to your "normal" life. Tell her you will still be calling in as you did before but of course you won't be able to do things that covid has allowed you the time to do, and ask if she would like assistance in finding people to come and help her.
I guess what I am saying is talk to her with the assumption thing will go back to how they were and this is the normal situation and its good that it will be resumed, don't even entertain the idea that this is not the case, and if she pushes back then just say - it was only every a temporary situation and life has to go back to normal.
The fact that you worry about upsetting the applecart sugggests she is managing to manipulate you NOW, its up to you how much you are going to do and how strong you are willing to be. Manipulators like upsetting applecarts and pleading "poor me" - she'll get over it, just don't guilt yourself on whateveryou decide.

Do the necessary minimum so she feels the need for the old helpers. Washing the window exteriors seems unnecessary to me!
As long as you are doing everything for free and better, why would she pay for the helpers?
Also as others mentioned, find helpers who have been vaccinated and tell her you are busy.

I would check with the previous care-givers, to be sure they are still available AND have had or will soon get their vaccinations. If they are not available, you'll need time to vet new people and hope they are as good or better.

Meanwhile, decide what it is you might still consider doing for her, even if only occasionally. It might be best to wait for the time it will happen, which won't give her time to plot excuses, get riled up or whatever. THIS is what it will be now mom, everyone is getting vaccinated and then getting back to the way things were, which includes me. I have a job to do, and will be required to be there, so I CAN'T be doing what your helpers did before. They will resume the old schedule starting on X day. IF she's going to continue ordering food and/or supplies and can't move the bags/boxes, then you need to tell her that she will have to order them so that they arrive on the days that the helpers would be there. Home deliveries can be great, but only if you can manage to bring it all in yourself or have someone dedicated to this task, NOT you! Some grocery items can't be left out, sitting for hours before being put away. Items can also be stolen.

Once you give the cut-off date, you'll have to stay strong and not give in if she does something dumb, like order when no one is there to bring it in or fires the help! If she fires them, have a list of agencies that hire people out, along with their phone numbers and leave that for her. You fired those wonderful people, you find a replacement through these agencies. I *CAN'T* do this anymore, I have obligations that must be met OR I've been run ragged and am ill, whatever you want to tell her, but don't buckle!

Tell her that you will not be doing all of these chores anymore and that you will make sure the next "helper" that comes has received a Covid-19 vaccine. Or you will make sure she is vaccinated before bringing in new help. Then find her another homemaker/companion and let that be the end of it. Warn her that if she alienates the new help and refuses to allow them in to do their jobs she will be out of luck. Then stick to it no matter how much she complains or laments about it. If she decides to throw the new help out anyway, when her house becomes filthy, there's no groceries, and the pet gets sick she will stop alienating the help. Some people have to learn the hard way. I hope your mom doesn't.

Thank You,, contributors here are pretty great.
I do need to prepare for a new chapter in the terminal applecart saga
I could go out of town for anywhere from 3-6 weeks as soon as I get my vaccine and don't want to leave her in the lurch so preparation is key.
Waiting until she gets her 2nd vaccine to insist on getting help back in here makes sense, but I insist. The AL route is something maybe we hadn't considered well enough. I assumed an octogenarian would be able to accept there are things they will be without much of the time. Clean windows, polished floors, dusted pictures, this is where the difficulty arises. Knowing there will be clean sheets and clean clothes is one thing, having a housekeeper is another. Poor Mom gets the two confused. As long as the help comes back we're all good, Mom considers a 2 block walk with the dog, a quick vacuuming job, and various other chores 2 hours usually it is closer to an hour and the help is happy.
1 day a week each for 2 hours and they are marvelous help. The big house is shipshape with just a bit more help by asking one of the women if they want to stay an extra hour and mop etc, one of them would do it.
Now when I was on a job Mom used the pandemic as an excuse to quit using them and started using doordash etc...CC payment is key there you see...But of course we're still left with no in house help any longer and I'm about to be over it for good lol

Well, I certainly would not bring it up beforehand. That would be self-sabotage of a major sort.
As Beatty here says often, "There will be no solutions if you are all the solutions." Wait until 2 weeks after your Mom's second vaccine and tell her THEN that you are so relieved; that you didn't want to whine when really there was so little choice in keeping her well, but you are relieved now to be able to return as life as it was". Then do so. There will, of course, be complaints. You already understand that. When she whines it is simply a "so sorry it is difficult to get back to real life, Mom, but it is so lucky that we can".
If applecarts are upset then stop helping her to pick up the mess. Walk away.

Make a list of what you are willing to do. She will probably still be able to order her groceries to be delivered and her meds. How dirty can a floor get with one lady living alone. I just Swiffer mine. Aides probably can do light housekeeping. Maybe every so often call in a cleaning lady to mop floors and run vacuum real well. See if you have a Vet who does house calls. My nephew does this.

Things will not open up over night. They have no idea how effective this shot will be. How long will it protect or longer term effects. We will still be wearing masks for a while and have restrictions.

Mom is going to realize that life changes. That u have your own life and she is not the center of it. Maybe she should consider an AL if she has money.

I should say I'm providing a minimum level of support all of the time. She does not walk and uses in home health care and online shopping, she cannot retrieve delivered packages nor carry anything that wont fit in her lap.
When I was in a busy time at work she held off for months sweeping and mopping her floors, until I instead of a helper could do it.
She naturally thinks that if I have time off, I should fulfill more than the small but significant role I generally serve being available for emergencies of which there were MANY! before I committed to being here part time. Now that her life is running good, she thinks I should just do more because WHY NOT???
I'm telling you, anyone as blessed as she has been, and still describes their experiences as being " being fed s#!& all my life" is in severe denial and not too lucid.
I just need a fool proof way of breaking the news that she is going to have to hire back her helpers without making a literally 3 or more month torture out of it.
All I want are the 2 women (still have their phone #'s) to come back to work, not to cause a ton of trouble.

"OK, mom, now that you're vaccinated, let's get things back to normal and get your paid help back here to do the stuff you need someone else to do. I have to get back to my job/family/volunteering/life, etc, as well. Now that things are opening back up, we can get back into your old routine."

Don't give her a choice. Either she accepts outside help, or not; but you're availability is no longer going to be something she can rely on.

I suspect you're not going to be the only person who will be dealing with this scenario in the upcoming months. I imagine there are going to be quite a few of these conversations being held in the not-too-distant future.
And Barb is right - so what if she gets mad?

What do you mean by "upsetting the apple cart"?

Do you mean that you can't bear the idea that manipulative mom will be upset, play the "poor me" guilt card, tell all the relatives and neighbors what a terrible child you are?

Do you want to live your life always in her thrall because making her upset or angry would be painful?

So, she gets angry. So what?

The world will not end.