When do I decide it would be best to bring my mother back to possibly stay with me or nursing home placement?

@bkleri. You have a crisis waiting to happen here. However, you really can't do anything yourself unless your mother agrees to return to you. Chances are she would not wish to leave her husband; and chances are he doesn't want her to leave either. If she falls, has a heart attack etc., then you may ne able to use their health care provider's services; along with their social support. However, if mom and step-dad are out-of-state from you, they are domiciled in that state (if they have lived there over six months). Again, I think you'll have to wait for the crisis to bloom. If you can reason with them, then you can start the legal process, i.e., power-of-attorney, health care proxy, legal guardianship. Problem is, they are in Kentucky and you are in Ohio. Adjacent states, but at the same time, Ohio would look at the legal process, i.e., Kentucky, as an "alien" residence. This means that legally forcing all of this will be very difficult. Best to talk to step-dad and mom to see if you can at least get power of attorney. Good luck.

bkleri, your step dad has been her caregiver, so I think you should consult with him to see what he feels is best. You both can talk as things change to figure out what would be the best thing to do. You can hold a POA in KY and live in OH. That is no problem except for your availability. Talk to your mother about that.

When someone with diabetic with dementia, it can help to get them to a geriatric psychiatrist to see if there are medications that can help with her mood. Feeling better mentally may help her care more about herself physically. My mother has all the conditions you mentioned. The one that is most detrimental to her quality of life is her downcast, defeated, anxious mood. My mother has made a late-life career of being sick. We couldn't find any medications that helped my mother, but many people are helped by finding the right balance of antidepressants and sedatives to help with their mood.

Is mom's husband her Durable POA? How reliable is Step dad about reporting the real condition? If he's saying it's bad, it's probably pretty bad. What concerns me is that Step dad is saying that mom isn't doing things to help herself. I would think that he would be informed that with Dementia, it's not really a matter of her being responsible for her shortcomings. She likely doesn't have the ability to do the things he's upset about. Do you think that information would matter to him. Will he accept that? Does he have a good understanding of how things will progress with her?

When it comes to diabetes, I do feel for the patient who must rely on others to monitor and control their blood sugars. I am a Type I diabetic and cannot imagine relying on someone else to be in charge. Does she take pills, injections, or both? It's very difficult, IMO. Do you know what her last A1C was?

I would work on getting Step dad to share the reality, try to discuss plans and agree on something that makes sense. If he's not willing to move on it. I'd seek legal counsel in their state of residence. It might be tricky, but I've actually seen it done before. Good luck.

Really a tough decision. Left where she is, she will die sooner. Maybe she has chosen to die sooner rather than be in a nursing home. The fact that they went back to Kentucky tells me they don't want any interference and are fiercely independent.

Thanks everyone for your response, I got POA prior to my mother leaving Ohio to move back to Kentucky, we were in a situation that I thought my step dad had enough then and couldn't do it anymore and disappeared. then he came back they had a talk and she moved away with him. He is not getting any sleep anymore and neither is she, she is very anxious about things and it makes it hard on them both. I do the best I can from where I am at but sometimes I feel like I need to just go get her and bring her back to Ohio. I feel bad for him as well as he is much older than she is. I was told the POA I got on her here is no good anymore since she moved to Kentucky. (not sure about that.) Thanks for all the comments. I do appreciate the help.

What you were told was right about the OH POA. You have to have one for KY. There can be differences state to state. It is okay to live in OH and have the POA, but it has to be valid in KY.

I just checked and saw that many states recognize POAs from other states as long as the requirements are the same. Chances are good that KY will recognize your OH POA. You can check and see if that is true.

I'd get legal advice on your POA, so there is no doubt where you stand.

What do you think would happen if Step dad told her that she should come back to your town for a while to get her health restored? Would she agree to that? If they decided to live separately, I'd explore what if any consequences that could have on their finances and/or marital property.