I want to commend all these wonderful people to care about their elderly parents I have a daughter + 2 college-age granddaughters that live 200 feet from my home. They are never available for anything. I finally had to move assisted living with my husband to get any kind of care. My family never calls us, my granddaughter was raised by us for about 10 years. I gave older one money for college tuition and this is how they repay us.
At first they looked a bit puzzled but then looked at me and said, “We appreciate that mom. Thanks.” I said, “You are welcome. We never have to talk about this again. I want nothing more than to see my two beautiful daughters living life for themselves.”
Our only response to her is "we release you from that promise."
The people who have answered you are Caregivers in some way. And a number of them have trouble with parents understanding that they have lives. That the parent cannot expect to be the center of a childs life. They are married with husbands, children, jobs. If retired, they now have time to travel, see the grands.
What did you expect from your daughter? Does she work? Have you asked for help and were turned down. How were you turned down. I find in reading peoples stories on this forum that parents forget how full their lives were when they kept a house, took care of the children and held down a job. Took kids to their extra-curricular activities. Did you take care of your parents?
I wish years ago I had been frank with a friend of mine. She had numerous health problems. She had a passive-aggressive personality. "Oh its so nice to be here with my boys because I rarely see them and their families". She "expected" and when it didn't go her way, she sulked. She wouldn't take the Senior bus. She wouldn't get an aide from Medicaid. There was always an excuse why she couldn't do it.
Be honest with yourself. You are in an AL because there are things you could no longer do for yourself or for your husband. Did you expect your daughter to do what you no longer could so you could stay in your home. Or maybe you raised a selfish child.
You did a good thing moving to an AL. You now have some socialization. Activities, outings and entertainment. Maybe reach out to daughter. Tell her you'd love to see her and the girls. Be an up person. If they don't respond, just try to except it. Send birthday and Christmas cards. Maybe, when allowed, invite them to come and have lunch at the AL and see your new place. Your life will be so much better if you except "this is the way it is". Enjoy what you have now. An "up" attitude is so nice. You know when my friends family finally came around, when she was dying. The last few days.
I learned, through years of therapy by different therapists, that nobody can MAKE you feel anything. You choose how you feel. We deserve to have our feelings but sometimes we need to let them go so we can move on and be happy.
Does your AL facility have a social worker you can speak with?
Have you made friends where you live now?
I hope you find a way to fill your life with new friends and activities in such a way that you won't spend your golden years allowing negative emotions weigh you down.
Prayers for you and your husband.
My husband & I together have 7 children. Just last night we again reaffirmed that we will NEVER move in with any one of them, nor will we expect them to wipe our butts or take care of us in our old age. Why should they have their lives ruined with the care & management of US? They shouldn't.
We had our children because we wanted to. We took care of them and helped them grow into responsible members of society because that was our job; the job we TOOK ON willingly when we decided to have children. We spent all kinds of money and took on all kinds of jobs in order to support our children and to help them with college. We wanted to. Now that we have grandchildren, we help take care of them and babysit them because it's a JOY to do that! To watch them grow and thrive and to smile when they see us! Not so they can 'repay' us for anything.
Our children 'owe us' nothing, nor do our grandchildren.
In fact, it's WE who owe THEM. For allowing us the privilege of raising them and loving them and helping them become the wonderful people they are today, God bless them. For helping US become the people WE are today, by being parents to them!
When we reach the point that we need diapers and are babbling about gibberish, we will either move into Assisted Living ourselves or swallow a bunch of pain killers washed down with a good bottle of whiskey and say adios to this life, and hello to the next one. Because when enough is enough, then it's time to say goodbye instead of ruin our children's lives by saddling them down with US.
I'll say it again: Congratulations for doing the right thing. Pick up the phone and call your granddaughter and tell her you love her. Do the same thing with the rest of your family members & don't ask them for a single thing. Just say "I love you." And tell them how wonderful it is at the Assisted Living place you're living at and how delicious the food is!
You may be surprised at what comes of it.
When you feel entitled, you wind up getting nothing. When you feel grateful for what you have and expect nothing, everything you DO get feels like a huge gift.
Just today Fedex pulled up with a big box I was not expecting. It was a rosebush plant in a ceramic pot from my son & his wife for Mother's Day. I was flabbergasted because I was not expecting it. What a nice feeling that was!
I'm sorry you feel shortchanged by your family. I hope things change & they start calling you & coming to visit you at the AL soon. Best of luck.
It's not about what is the trending phenomenon known as 'cancel culture'.
It's right to terminate a toxic relationship that is bad for you. That's not 'cancel culture'. That's self-preservation and common sense.
Let me tell you, It's ALWAYS about how someone treated you when they (parent, grandparent) were the adults at the time when you weren't.
Every adult is responsible themselves alone for how they behaved within their own family towards their kids and grandkids. Husbands, boyfriends, whoever don't decide this. You do.
No one should ever expect to get more then they gave.
Being elderly, needy, and lonely does not entitle a person to a thing from their family. How much they gave of themselves when they weren't elderly and needy or what they invested in their family life decides how much adult kids and grandkids will try to help with care when the time of need for it comes.
Many times it isn't possible for a family to take care of a needy and elderly parent or grandparent. That happens too and family will try in other ways.
No one, not a husband, or boyfriend, decides what your relationship was with a parent or grandparent. Not even a sibling because brothers and sisters don't all have the same experience growing up in the same family together. Or even in the same house.
No one knows what's in another person's heart or mind.
If someone doesn't think they owe a parent or grandparent who is elderly and needy, they're right more times than not.
Every time we visit I get a pre-visit migraine. So I'm not willing to subject my children to him for the purposes of maintaining some false visual of the perfect family.
Meanwhile, my girls are in close contact with my mom on a regular basis and my niece and nephew, one who lives out of state and another who just got married, are in regular contact with their other grandparents. So it's pretty easy to figure out where the problem lies.
The response was as illuminating as it was deflating:
"We all possess the right of discernment".
I am saddened by the avoidance shown by your daughter/granddaughters - but more for their loss as they place their immediate needs over caring about (as distinct from 'caring for') their parents/grandparents respectively.
Perhaps the close proximity of dwellings may have given rise to some expectation for more interaction than felt necessary or reasonable (they do have their lives to lead also).
Even if you could enforce their undivided attention, would you really feel satisfied if not given of their own volition?
Try to accept their shortcomings and take an interest in their lives regardless. If you can be there for them emotionally, attitudes will surely change in time.
An ethics committee to reflect upon why family members distance themselves after close affiliation over many years?
How about if we just say the answer in plain English instead.
Don't expect to get more than you gave.
Sometimes people are lucky and get way more then they deserve. Like both of my parents. I did right by them and still do for my mother.
It's not for any great love of them. It's for the grandkids who are teenagers now. They were good grandparents to them and they love their grandparents.
I love and care about them a thousand times more than ever I did for either of my parents, or them for me.
I loved my sibling who passed away and these are his kids. It's important to me that they have good and happy family memories. The sun rose and set on my brother every day. On a good day my family life was either indifference or being ignored.
Other days I was the family scapegoat who took the blame for every evil and hardship in the world.
My mother who is needy and elderly understands that my goodwill towards her only extends as far as I allow it to.
I don't owe her anything and she knows it.
For example, bad parents disapprove of adult child’s spouse. What about the adult children who disapprove when divorced or widowed parent marries again? It's not uncommon. Could it be possible that the adult children aren’t treating their parent as an adult? I have a friend who has spent years on-and-off caring for grandchildren because their parents are in jail or Welfare has removed the children for neglect. Her beef is that the social workers are so keen on keeping the parent-child bond going that the girls hear nothing bad about their parents, and think that the grandparents are too critical and keep stealing them.
We all have problems. There can be few of our posters whose entire family members behave as well as we would wish! Whatever we do wrong, it’s not surprising that many of us get a bit narked.
My maternal grandfather died of heart failure at 64 before I was born. My grandmother lived to 89. YS was in high school when she came to stay with my mom for EOL care. I was in college and visited when I could. My sister and I have good relationships with our cousins on her side despite living in different states and countries. Thanks social media!
Paternal grandparents lived to 94 (grandpa) and 92 (grandma); married for 69 years. They have 6 children and 12 grandchildren with 1 more on the way. As kids we celebrated holidays and birthdays together. In the late 90s, my dad and his siblings had a fallout. My cousins and I grew apart as we got older. Due to the nature of the fallout, some cousins saw them more frequently than others, myself included. My grandparents were not wealthy, but were well provided for; financially through my dad and late uncle and spiritually by my late uncle’s and my aunt’s side. After they passed there were constant arguments between my dad and his siblings; not exactly sure what about, but it trickled down to us.
The latest episode between my parents made me realize the different extent of ‘estrangement’ my siblings and relatives have towards my dad. I’m probably the last one with boundary issues at this point. OB and him haven’t spoken in years and YS calls him a couple times a year now that she is out of state. Everything is filtered through my mom, then me, extended family included.
Grandpa and grandma set our core beliefs on filial responsibility. Mom is the one who encouraged our independent behavior, or as it has been described in this thread, ‘estrangement.’
Each generation tried to do more for their kids than they had growing up. What we have now is too many kids who have no idea how hard it is to earn a dollar. They have no idea how much love and hard work went in to making a quilt. Not all, but a LOT have been raised to be takers. You raised one 10 yrs and paid for college for another. First and foremost, I would never have even approached my grandparents about needing money for school. I knew if I was going to college, I had to figure it out on my own. So I worked FT and paid as I went.
I have no idea if there is other issues in your family that created a divide or if they just weren't raised to think about the welfare of others. All I can say is if you have friends or other family members who visit, call, take some of their time to be in your life - show appreciation to those folks. Too many in a family do zippity do-dah for others, but have their hand out in the end because they believe they are owed something simply because of a bloodline. If there's nothing to put in their grubby paw, it's possible they will learn you rewarded the ones who showed the most care and concern.
Be glad that you moved to assisted living. Depending on others is a lot of wasted time waiting on something to happen. Much easier to push a button or make a phone call and know someone will respond. Meet new friends and their families. Get involved in the community where you are. Don't dwell on those who don't take time to check in on you - you're the only one that will be miserable with those thoughts. Be kind when they visit - just as you would be to any acquaintance that visits. Invest yourself in those who invest in you. Bless you, dearie. Sometimes things (and people) don't turn out quite like we would have liked.
I hope you are satisfied with your assisted living facility. The AL facilities in my area are lovely. Some even have happy hour!
Invite your family over to spend time with you, if you wish to see them. Smile and tell them that you are delighted that they came.
I absolutely adored my grandma and grandpa. I have wonderful memories of the time we spent together.
I watched my mom break many of her own families dysfunctional cycle and always be present in her daughters (there are two of us) and grandchildren’s lives. She made time for them and every activity and contributed to many of not most every expense - it brought her joy and she was proud of what she built and instilled in her grandkids - since her stroke - my sister and her two boys are not active in her life unless she reaches out - her granddaughter who “loves” unselfishly is 100% in her life - they are all in another state - her granddaughter asks about her every few days - send her sweet mail and cards and silly packages - she FaceTimes her and does crosswords or just chats with her and encourages her. There is no difference in my mom - it’s who they are. People make time for things important to them - before her stroke it was important for Nanz to fly them to her Florida condo on the beach to see her - now not so much.
Im not sure your relationship with your family - but we all have some dysfunction - even if some of us won’t admit it - none of us are perfect.
But you should feel hurt if you brought your family up with love and values and they think their lives are too busy for you - I’m sorry they are not there for you but don’t ever let that change who you are in the world. I hope somewhere you find others that you meet along the way that value time with you as you do with them 🙏🏼💛
There's a reason for this. The reason isn't all three of them. It's you. Get together with your daughter and don't talk. Listen to her without being judgmental and without any attempts at guilt-tripping over raising her daughter or how the other does nothing to repay what you gave her for school.
Talk and then listen. Then you'll learn the reasons why your daughter and granddaughters blow you off.
All I can say is don't chase and don't try to make them feel guilt for not being there and accept it and move on. SOMETIMES, very occassionally, SOME may get curious and come back to you.
It usually isn't what you did to them (whatever they might think)... it is often a third party (husband, boyfriend or other) who is behind the scenes instigating the estrangement.
And sometimes if there were real issues like a parent abusing them, then maybe there is a reason for this. But ironically, it doesn't usually happen to those parents who were emotiionally unavailable or abusive.. It happens to the mom's most of all...because we are the ones who love them unconditionally.
I'm sorry this happened to you. There are many Facebook groups for support if you search "estranged adult children".
You were encouraging her to look at the relationship and her personal actions. That is the only way she can change anything in this situation. Whether that is acceptance or making changes, only she will ever truly know what the reality is.
If you want to turn it around and try for some love and friendship, can you think of ways to start it yourself? An immediate change to ‘gush’ will sound false, but you can start off by sending a card or two, or an email with a joke (our jokes site has about 2000 of them). “I’ve just discovered this, I thought you might like it too”. Not money, or anything that you expect something back for. You can build up a relationship if you are willing to try. Try not to let it stick in your throat – you really have tried to help in the past, don’t write it all off now. Good luck, Margaret
I hope you enjoy where you are living and have found friends with whom you share generational activities and talks that you enjoy.
Your daughter and granddaughters do not owe you care in your senior years because you chose to help them. Seriously, you think that a child raised by you owes you something? That disturbs me. They had no choice in being born, yet they suffered the heartbreak from not having a loving mom and dad. Then they find our that the grandparents that stepped up actually had future alterior motives? How heartbreaking. I wonder what kind of lesson they have learned.
Seniors needs do not trump everyone else's life. I am sorry that there are so many that believe that they can live their lives and then hijack the next generation to prop them up.
You have not really read what people are going through to provide the care, that for the most part, has been forced on them. They are drowning in their parents needs and come here to be supported in their lives, because they don't really have one thanks to their parents deciding what they will do.
I for one applaud your family for creating and enforcing boundaries that made you have to own your own life. You demanded more than they were willing to pay.
You should reach out, tell them that you love them and stop reminding them of the things that you did for them and I bet you will be surprised how they act. Nobody wants to have everything that someone did for them shoved in their face as a weapon of guilt.
AMEN to that! Best response on the whole thread.
I'm not suggesting that is why your daughter and granddaughters don't visit you. I'm just suggesting there may be reasons they don't visit that you may want to consider. They may also just not visit - I don't know. But often we overlook very viable reasons that are right in front of us and sometimes as we get older we expect people to overlook our treatment of them throughout the rest of their lives because we think they should now be taking care of us. Again, I'm not suggesting that is the case for you, just mentioning that it happens frequently.
Have you talked to your daughter about her availability? Is she working full time? Is she a single mom trying to work and pay bills and her time is limited? Is it possible that you were asking for help when it didn't work for her? Is it possible that you phrased it in such a way that she was put off and didn't feel inclined to help because she felt guilted or forced to do so?
Honestly, I can say that in our case - with my mom - we would move Heaven and Earth to help my mom - because she rarely asks for help and she is always considerate of everything we have on our plate and ASKS rather than expects. FIL DEMANDS and has no concern for what else is going on in our lives and expects us to drop everything else to do for him and frankly half of what we do we do out of guilt and we resent it, but we do it because we have to. That sounds terrible - but he doesn't appreciate it. He expects it, he doesn't say thank you.
But you make one statement that may be the crux of your problem and only you know if it is the issue - "this is how they repay us". I think that is your sticking point. Did they know when you were raising them and when you were giving them money for tuition that you expected them to facilitate your care as you aged? I don't like that they don't visit, I don't like to see families that aren't able to support each other - but generally speaking there is some underlying reason for it that needs to be explored - maybe not on your end - maybe on theirs - but at the end of the day - you can't change their behavior. You can only change how you respond to their behavior. And a sure fire way to make sure their behavior gets worse is to tell them they owe you for something they didn't know they were expected to repay. So perhaps look at how you are approaching your daughter and have a discussion about just spending time together when she has availability - to just hang out - not to help - you have that covered. But just to get together and spend time together and see how that goes.
What do I expect from these amazing 24 people in the form of care?
NOT ONE SINGLE THING.
I didn't have kids so I'd have caregivers. I don't look at my grands like potential CG's. If I have a need that I can't handle, I 'might' throw it out there that I could use some help on Saturday for 2 hours--and I pay them in pizza and pop. If I have a need (this is far more likely) I HIRE someone to do the job.
Dh and I are currently beginning the retirement -size down process and while we still NEED about 2000sf so we won't be stepping each other's toes---I KNOW I do not want a lawn, a driveway to shovel, and tons of stairs. I'm thinking condo with a basement MIL apt for CG's should the need arise.
Over the years we have 'gifted' our kids money and time and we try to be as equal in that as we possibly can be. No monetary gift comes with strings. They owe me NOTHING, but to be decent people and to pay it forward.
I watched my own parents giving, giving, giving to 2 of their kids. It rankled my soul. They made bad decisions, one after another and mom would bail them out. I recently found out that mother had forgiven a $75,000 loan she'd made to YS. And reinstated her in the will. OB was given well over $200,000. He has since died. But his debt was ALSO forgiven and he was reinstated.
I had dental braces as a teen and it cost $1500. In mom's will there is a 'bill' for me of $1500 to the trust the repay the cost of those braces. I'm working hard to be forgiving of mom for the incredible PETTINESS of this.
Money should be carefully and thoughtfully distributed, With no attachments.
The way I feel about what my mom did is very painful and just goes to add to the feelings that I have always had that I am not only not a 'favorite' but that I am not even 'liked'. Good grief, I'm 65 and still having mommy issues.
Hugs 🤗
If you had to move to assisted living then you obviously needed more care than your family could provide on their own. You made the right choice there.