I want to commend all these wonderful people to care about their elderly parents I have a daughter + 2 college-age granddaughters that live 200 feet from my home. They are never available for anything. I finally had to move assisted living with my husband to get any kind of care. My family never calls us, my granddaughter was raised by us for about 10 years. I gave older one money for college tuition and this is how they repay us.

I have 5 kids, 5 in law kids (whom I look upon as my 'own') and 14 grandkids ranging in age from 17 down to 3.

What do I expect from these amazing 24 people in the form of care?


I didn't have kids so I'd have caregivers. I don't look at my grands like potential CG's. If I have a need that I can't handle, I 'might' throw it out there that I could use some help on Saturday for 2 hours--and I pay them in pizza and pop. If I have a need (this is far more likely) I HIRE someone to do the job.

Dh and I are currently beginning the retirement -size down process and while we still NEED about 2000sf so we won't be stepping each other's toes---I KNOW I do not want a lawn, a driveway to shovel, and tons of stairs. I'm thinking condo with a basement MIL apt for CG's should the need arise.

Over the years we have 'gifted' our kids money and time and we try to be as equal in that as we possibly can be. No monetary gift comes with strings. They owe me NOTHING, but to be decent people and to pay it forward.

I watched my own parents giving, giving, giving to 2 of their kids. It rankled my soul. They made bad decisions, one after another and mom would bail them out. I recently found out that mother had forgiven a $75,000 loan she'd made to YS. And reinstated her in the will. OB was given well over $200,000. He has since died. But his debt was ALSO forgiven and he was reinstated.

I had dental braces as a teen and it cost $1500. In mom's will there is a 'bill' for me of $1500 to the trust the repay the cost of those braces. I'm working hard to be forgiving of mom for the incredible PETTINESS of this.

Money should be carefully and thoughtfully distributed, With no attachments.

The way I feel about what my mom did is very painful and just goes to add to the feelings that I have always had that I am not only not a 'favorite' but that I am not even 'liked'. Good grief, I'm 65 and still having mommy issues.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Midkid58
CaregiverL May 5, 2021
Wow 😮.., Midkid…I remember my mother took me to Orthodontist for braces overbite…& she asked him how much $$$$….to which she responded that she had to go home to first discuss with my dad…Of course they agreed to it & I was 12 years old…& never received a bill from the bank of mom & dad!
Hugs 🤗
I will do EVERYTHING possible to avoid needing my children to help me with chores, or especially caregiving. I would not wish the job of caregiving for a parent on my worst enemy.
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Reply to gladimhere
lealonnie1 May 6, 2021
Amen Amen & AMEN.
Sorry to tell you this but, you did exactly what you should have done.

Your daughter and granddaughters do not owe you care in your senior years because you chose to help them. Seriously, you think that a child raised by you owes you something? That disturbs me. They had no choice in being born, yet they suffered the heartbreak from not having a loving mom and dad. Then they find our that the grandparents that stepped up actually had future alterior motives? How heartbreaking. I wonder what kind of lesson they have learned.

Seniors needs do not trump everyone else's life. I am sorry that there are so many that believe that they can live their lives and then hijack the next generation to prop them up.

You have not really read what people are going through to provide the care, that for the most part, has been forced on them. They are drowning in their parents needs and come here to be supported in their lives, because they don't really have one thanks to their parents deciding what they will do.

I for one applaud your family for creating and enforcing boundaries that made you have to own your own life. You demanded more than they were willing to pay.

You should reach out, tell them that you love them and stop reminding them of the things that you did for them and I bet you will be surprised how they act. Nobody wants to have everything that someone did for them shoved in their face as a weapon of guilt.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
BurntCaregiver May 5, 2021

AMEN to that! Best response on the whole thread.
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You shouldn't have given money with strings attached. Either you wanted to help out with college or not.

If you had to move to assisted living then you obviously needed more care than your family could provide on their own. You made the right choice there.
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Reply to lkdrymom
my2cents May 6, 2021
If these kids of hers lived out in her front yard, there's no reason they couldn't come to help g'ma with g/pa. Granted, it was probably a better move to go to AL all the way around. I don't think she is really saying she tied strings to the college money or the live in care for g'daughter - more like stating a point. I helped them when they needed help and got nothing back. I cannot even imagine not visiting with my g'ma every day if she lived that close to me. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute I spent w/her.
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With all due respect - I'd like to ask - what has your relationship and your husband's relationship been like with your daughter and your granddaughters not just recently but their entire lives? I'm not judging because I don't know you. I can only speak to why my children and their other cousins don't visit my FIL -but every single one of them have great relationships with their other grandparents. All of the grands are adults - college age/young adults. Every single one of them visit very infrequently because of the way he treats them. For the better part - if not all - of their lives - he has had little to no interest in any of them. His only interest in them has been in them paying attention to HIM. He never asks about them. He asks why they don't call him, but he never calls them. They can be in the room with him trying to talk to him and he ignores them. He will talk about other people's grandchildren with his own grandchildren in the room. He has no use for them. He literally gave his cleaning ladies - who no longer work for him and haven't in over 2 years - more for Christmas than he did his own grandchildren last year. When people ask if he has grandchildren he will generally mention his grandson, but rarely even mentions that he has granddaughters. But he wonders why his grands don't visit. He has NO relationship with them.

I'm not suggesting that is why your daughter and granddaughters don't visit you. I'm just suggesting there may be reasons they don't visit that you may want to consider. They may also just not visit - I don't know. But often we overlook very viable reasons that are right in front of us and sometimes as we get older we expect people to overlook our treatment of them throughout the rest of their lives because we think they should now be taking care of us. Again, I'm not suggesting that is the case for you, just mentioning that it happens frequently.

Have you talked to your daughter about her availability? Is she working full time? Is she a single mom trying to work and pay bills and her time is limited? Is it possible that you were asking for help when it didn't work for her? Is it possible that you phrased it in such a way that she was put off and didn't feel inclined to help because she felt guilted or forced to do so?

Honestly, I can say that in our case - with my mom - we would move Heaven and Earth to help my mom - because she rarely asks for help and she is always considerate of everything we have on our plate and ASKS rather than expects. FIL DEMANDS and has no concern for what else is going on in our lives and expects us to drop everything else to do for him and frankly half of what we do we do out of guilt and we resent it, but we do it because we have to. That sounds terrible - but he doesn't appreciate it. He expects it, he doesn't say thank you.

But you make one statement that may be the crux of your problem and only you know if it is the issue - "this is how they repay us". I think that is your sticking point. Did they know when you were raising them and when you were giving them money for tuition that you expected them to facilitate your care as you aged? I don't like that they don't visit, I don't like to see families that aren't able to support each other - but generally speaking there is some underlying reason for it that needs to be explored - maybe not on your end - maybe on theirs - but at the end of the day - you can't change their behavior. You can only change how you respond to their behavior. And a sure fire way to make sure their behavior gets worse is to tell them they owe you for something they didn't know they were expected to repay. So perhaps look at how you are approaching your daughter and have a discussion about just spending time together when she has availability - to just hang out - not to help - you have that covered. But just to get together and spend time together and see how that goes.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
Isthisrealyreal May 5, 2021
So well said.
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You know.... people get busy with their life and tend to repeat the same routines over and over, that's why we have such a hard time with milestones because they are a wake up call that time is getting away from us. If you want to be a part of your family's lives you need to find a way to connect in a friendly, non judgmental way - pick up the phone for a weekly chat, send a funny email, invite them for coffee or take them out for a meal. I get that you think it's their turn now, but that's cutting of your nose to spite your face kind of thinking - ask yourself which is more important, being top dog, or being part of their lives?
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Reply to cwillie

I took care of my parents for a bazillion years. My daughters said to me, “Mom, when you get old, we will care for you like you did for grandma.” I told them, “Like h*ll you will! That will NEVER happen in a million years because I love you too much!”

At first they looked a bit puzzled but then looked at me and said, “We appreciate that mom. Thanks.” I said, “You are welcome. We never have to talk about this again. I want nothing more than to see my two beautiful daughters living life for themselves.”
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
notgoodenough May 6, 2021
My 20 year old daughter will every so often tell my husband and I "I'll take care of you when you get old."
Our only response to her is "we release you from that promise."
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I am truly sorry, but our children do indeed have their own lives,and are often, with jobs, friends, children, and activities very busy with their lives. I think it is important also to provide a loving space for visits in which there is positivity and love; that always makes people more willing to spare time for us. My own children live nowhere near me, but in fact several states away, so while we can travel once a year to see one another and can talk on the phone or shoot off messages to one another. And again, I assume they have their own lives, friends, family, neighbors, activities, and jobs. I don't feel they owe me anything. I chose to have children. It was I who owed them to raise them the best that I could, and provide as well for them as I was able. Now it is for them to pass that forward to their own children, and so on down the line.
I hope you enjoy where you are living and have found friends with whom you share generational activities and talks that you enjoy.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AlvaDeer

Congratulations for doing the right thing & moving into Assisted Living with your husband!!!

My husband & I together have 7 children. Just last night we again reaffirmed that we will NEVER move in with any one of them, nor will we expect them to wipe our butts or take care of us in our old age. Why should they have their lives ruined with the care & management of US? They shouldn't.

We had our children because we wanted to. We took care of them and helped them grow into responsible members of society because that was our job; the job we TOOK ON willingly when we decided to have children. We spent all kinds of money and took on all kinds of jobs in order to support our children and to help them with college. We wanted to. Now that we have grandchildren, we help take care of them and babysit them because it's a JOY to do that! To watch them grow and thrive and to smile when they see us! Not so they can 'repay' us for anything.

Our children 'owe us' nothing, nor do our grandchildren.

In fact, it's WE who owe THEM. For allowing us the privilege of raising them and loving them and helping them become the wonderful people they are today, God bless them. For helping US become the people WE are today, by being parents to them!

When we reach the point that we need diapers and are babbling about gibberish, we will either move into Assisted Living ourselves or swallow a bunch of pain killers washed down with a good bottle of whiskey and say adios to this life, and hello to the next one. Because when enough is enough, then it's time to say goodbye instead of ruin our children's lives by saddling them down with US.

I'll say it again: Congratulations for doing the right thing. Pick up the phone and call your granddaughter and tell her you love her. Do the same thing with the rest of your family members & don't ask them for a single thing. Just say "I love you." And tell them how wonderful it is at the Assisted Living place you're living at and how delicious the food is!

You may be surprised at what comes of it.

When you feel entitled, you wind up getting nothing. When you feel grateful for what you have and expect nothing, everything you DO get feels like a huge gift.

Just today Fedex pulled up with a big box I was not expecting. It was a rosebush plant in a ceramic pot from my son & his wife for Mother's Day. I was flabbergasted because I was not expecting it. What a nice feeling that was!

I'm sorry you feel shortchanged by your family. I hope things change & they start calling you & coming to visit you at the AL soon. Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to lealonnie1
FarFarAway May 6, 2021
Perhaps I have a bit more sympathy for you, because I think that you are missing some love and friendship as much as care. You have coped with the care need by moving into AL. You can organise shopping on line or with transport, so you probably don’t actually need your daughter and her children to do ‘jobs’ for you. It’s quite possible that asking for ‘help’, and resenting it not coming, is what has alienated them in the past.

If you want to turn it around and try for some love and friendship, can you think of ways to start it yourself? An immediate change to ‘gush’ will sound false, but you can start off by sending a card or two, or an email with a joke (our jokes site has about 2000 of them). “I’ve just discovered this, I thought you might like it too”. Not money, or anything that you expect something back for. You can build up a relationship if you are willing to try. Try not to let it stick in your throat – you really have tried to help in the past, don’t write it all off now. Good luck, Margaret
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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