Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
She has Parkinson’s and we have a daytime caregiver. I only care for her in the evening. I don’t know if I love her anymore. There is no one else in my life or extramarital affairs.
You say you don't know if you love her anymore. What a sad, lonely feeling to have. Love takes on many forms. You must have some love or caring to be her caregiver. Maybe you are just doing it out habit and obligation. It is very difficult to watch our loved ones change. They seem to become a different person, one we don't know. You may not feel a connection to this new person she has become.
It may be time to find a care home to take care of her physical needs. You can then visit and resume your role as husband, rather than caregiver. You may not ever be intimate again. I haven't had sex in 10 years. That's how long my husband has been bedridden after suffering a massive stroke. I still love him and want to be close with him, sex is just not possible any longer. He doesn't recognize me as his wife, and even a kiss on his cheek makes him uncomfortable. I'm just a caregiver to him. Our roles have changed, but I still see and remember the man I loved and married.
I wish you would try offering a hug daily. If that truly makes you uncomfortable, and you really feel that you don't love her anymore, I think separating yourself from her is a good idea. Find a good, comfortable care home for her.
You have gone from husband to caregiver. They are entirely different roles. You quite honestly are not alone in finding you cannot be two things at once. Your feelings are normal. And of course at this point it is very unlikely your wife has any wish for marital intimacy.
Many caregivers working in institutions become quite fond of their charges. That affection you may still feel. But your wife now is utterly changed from the woman you married and you are no longer the same man as a result, also. It is hard to accept and if you require help do seek some cognitive therapy counseling. There is nothing "wrong" with the way you feel. It is a natural and inevitable progression of where life and its vagaries have taken the two of you.
There are as many definitions of "marriage" and of "love" as there are leaves in the trees. You are not alone. Life changes us and it changes our feelings and there are many stages to a relationship be it husband and wife, mother and daughter, brother and sister, friend and friend.
I am so sorry that along with all the other trouble and trials you feel that you are somehow "failing" in being a husband. You are not. You simply are NOT.
Here we go; at the risk of judgement I admit; I understand how you feel. Caregiving your spouse is WAY different than a parent. FB has a helpful page Well Spouse which targets our concerns. Since caregiving, it feels as if my role as wife has been completely overshadowed and lost. A nurse doesn't conjure up sexual desires for their patient. Ew, that's crossing the line. I miss a healthy physical relationship deeply. Who wouldn't? I do love my IS, that's why I'm still here. (Married 37 years. IS is 85, I'm 65) The textbook burnout of feeling robbed, resentment, loneliness and anger bubbles to the surface at times. That being said, he's well cared for. He knows I love him and when he brings up lovemaking I truthfully remind him how nursing duties obliterate desire. Boundaries have been established and that helps both of us slog through this chapter. It's quicksand and a miserable existence. One take away; I bite my tongue with judgemental opinions of others feelings. You have my sympathy. It's ok to say WTF and be sad, pissed, lost.... This site has been tremendously helpful. For the most part, we can say exactly what we need with privacy protected and hopefully, minimum of judgement.
I guess I should have asked this question sooner. Does your wife WANT intimacy or sex? Does your wife want to be touched, held, cuddled or any other physical connection? the reason I ask is twofold. 1. You mention Parkinson's but you did not mention dementia. Sometimes with some, not all, dementias there is a detachment so to try to "force" intimacy would be akin to rape. Technically even if she did not resist with dementia she can not give consent.
2. If she does want intimacy and is cognizant then that is a discussion you need to have with her to find a way and a time that would be acceptable for both of you.
No sex is different than no compassion. I understand the no desire for sex thing. But, you can still have intimacy without sex. When my wife is having a delusional episode, touching/holding her often softens the situation even if I'm the object of her wrath.
2 days ago she was mean as a snake to me accusing me of all kinds of made up atrocities. Finally, I put one hand on her arm, my other arm around her shoulders and rested my forehead on her forehead. After holding her like that for maybe a minute, her episode ended and her face returned to normal.
Intimacy is not just about you and doesn't have to involve sex.
My goodness, people hug all the time for any sort of reason, but it doesn't mean that they're having an intimate relationship.
She must miss those hugs very much. Please consider hugging her at least once a day. The warmth and being touched still matter! They aren't a prelude to making love; they are "I like you" or "you're still important to me." A hug or any sort of casual affection can release hormones that make us feel better. This would benefit both of you.
I wish you luck in managing all that is upon you, and I do hope you come to the point where you feel comfortable enough to hug your wife.
It's probably not a question of whether or not you still love her. If you're still there and cleaning up her feces, that's love. It's not the hot passionate love that a relationship is in the early days when you're young and your relationship is too. It's a different kind of love now. You're not wrong to not be interested in sex with her at this point. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was her cleaning you up, she probably wouldn't have all that much interest in doing it with you either.
You can still give her a kiss. You can still bring home some flowers or chocolates. Or hold her hand and watch a movie. A little can go a long way, my friend.
If you decide to have something on the side, don't let your wife ever know about it.
Sorry, burnt, but there are multiple ways for men to ejaculate other than by cheating, and even CarolWright.com features several products to assist with the former.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want intimacy after cleaning up feces or any other bodily fluid your wife produces. You're seeing her in a different light now.....as a patient instead of a lover. That's ok, and it doesn't mean you don't love her anymore, because sex does not equal love. Love changes over time for most of us anyway, when the excitement simmers down and the health issues prevail. You can still hold her hand or give her a hug without anything more, you may both benefit from affection. Human touch is what we all crave, and what long term prisoners miss most.
Care giving is terribly hard and often thankless work. You should consider hiring help to come into your home and give you respite. We all need down time. What Geaton says about possible depression is also something to consider.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
You don't know if you love her anymore because she can't be intimate with you anymore and you don't want to be intimate with her because cleaning her grosses you out? Or have you not loved her for a while and this is now just an excuse to end your marriage? I'm just curious since you don't give us much to go on. How do you think your wife would handle things if the tables were reversed and it was her having to wipe your butt and make sure that your safe and clean? Again I'm just curious.
I cared for my late husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 years marriage and during that time we were not able to make love, but still could snuggle if we wanted to and he gave the best one armed hugs(his right arm was paralyzed from his stroke)which I appreciated so much. And yes for the last 22 months of his life I had to wipe his poopy butt and clean him up, when he was completely bedridden, and I did it out of love and in honor of the wedding vows I had taken on our wedding day. And I still got my one armed hugs whenever I wanted/needed them. In fact that is what I miss the most in the over 5 years that my husband has been gone.
It may help you to seek out a local caregiver support group that you can share your thoughts and concerns with, as there is no one better to share with than people who have been through or are going through what you are. And a good therapist might be in order as well, a regular one and even a grief counselor as you are now grieving the loss of your wife and life as things used to be before life happened. I wish you well in at least giving your wife hugs every day as trust me when I tell you that there will come a day when you will wish for just one more hug from your wife, or being able to give her just one more.
Good insights have been given to you by others. Also, is it possible you have undiagnosed depression? Are you doing good self-care like good nutrition, exercise, getting outside for walks, maintaining a social life?
Or, are you on any medications that might be impacting your libido? I'm not trying to put any guilt or pressure on you, but depression can creep up very slowly and wreak havoc on your life.
Being a caregiver for a spouse is a whole 'nuther ball game. It totally changes the dynamics of the relationship. This is a discussion to have with your wife. Is there anything that can be done to help the situation? Have you felt this way for a long time or just since she has needed care? If you have felt this way for a long time then I think you are using the situation as an excuse/reason when there is a deeper reason. Only you being truthful with yourself can answer that.
If it is simply the act of cleaning her what would help? A bidet would make cleaning her less hands on.
You say you do not hug her. Does she hug you? Is she able to hug you? You also do not go into detail about what she can and can not do. Honestly if she is at the point where she is totally dependent on you and pretty much immobile then you will not get the intimacy that you want. And you resign yourself to this. It is a part of ".........in sickness and in health....."
Sorry I do not have a magic answer for you. This is not something you "get over" you accept it, you deal with it. If you truly want more sorry to say but you won't get the divorce suggestion from me. (sorry if this comes off as a bit harsh. I was caregiver for my Husband for 12 years during his / our journey with Alzheimer's and Vascular dementia. It is not easy, it is lonely, you miss the hugs, looks, kisses and even just a cuddle at night,. )
I think this is more common than you probably realize, and more common than others care to admit. But it's real. When caregiving you see things you can never "un-see." As we get older a lot of what marriage ends up being is taking each other to doctor appointments, scans, surgeries, etc. You love each other, but in a different way. It's still love.
Don’t be so hard on yourself . You have not done anything wrong . Sometimes the transition to being a caregiver does not allow you to feel like a spouse the same as before. Your wife is declining and you are grieving the loss of the wife you once had . Grief counseling and/or mental health therapy could help. But do not feel you have to try to go back to your old feelings or to get over it . This is a different stage in your life .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It is very difficult to watch our loved ones change. They seem to become a different person, one we don't know. You may not feel a connection to this new person she has become.
It may be time to find a care home to take care of her physical needs. You can then visit and resume your role as husband, rather than caregiver. You may not ever be intimate again. I haven't had sex in 10 years. That's how long my husband has been bedridden after suffering a massive stroke. I still love him and want to be close with him, sex is just not possible any longer. He doesn't recognize me as his wife, and even a kiss on his cheek makes him uncomfortable. I'm just a caregiver to him. Our roles have changed, but I still see and remember the man I loved and married.
I wish you would try offering a hug daily. If that truly makes you uncomfortable, and you really feel that you don't love her anymore, I think separating yourself from her is a good idea. Find a good, comfortable care home for her.
Many caregivers working in institutions become quite fond of their charges. That affection you may still feel. But your wife now is utterly changed from the woman you married and you are no longer the same man as a result, also. It is hard to accept and if you require help do seek some cognitive therapy counseling. There is nothing "wrong" with the way you feel. It is a natural and inevitable progression of where life and its vagaries have taken the two of you.
There are as many definitions of "marriage" and of "love" as there are leaves in the trees. You are not alone. Life changes us and it changes our feelings and there are many stages to a relationship be it husband and wife, mother and daughter, brother and sister, friend and friend.
I am so sorry that along with all the other trouble and trials you feel that you are somehow "failing" in being a husband. You are not. You simply are NOT.
Since caregiving, it feels as if my role as wife has been completely overshadowed and lost. A nurse doesn't conjure up sexual desires for their patient. Ew, that's crossing the line. I miss a healthy physical relationship deeply. Who wouldn't? I do love my IS, that's why I'm still here. (Married 37 years. IS is 85, I'm 65) The textbook burnout of feeling robbed, resentment, loneliness and anger bubbles to the surface at times. That being said, he's well cared for. He knows I love him and when he brings up lovemaking I truthfully remind him how nursing duties obliterate desire. Boundaries have been established and that helps both of us slog through this chapter. It's quicksand and a miserable existence. One take away; I bite my tongue with judgemental opinions of others feelings. You have my sympathy. It's ok to say WTF and be sad, pissed, lost.... This site has been tremendously helpful. For the most part, we can say exactly what we need with privacy protected and hopefully, minimum of judgement.
Does your wife WANT intimacy or sex?
Does your wife want to be touched, held, cuddled or any other physical connection?
the reason I ask is twofold.
1. You mention Parkinson's but you did not mention dementia. Sometimes with some, not all, dementias there is a detachment so to try to "force" intimacy would be akin to rape. Technically even if she did not resist with dementia she can not give consent.
2. If she does want intimacy and is cognizant then that is a discussion you need to have with her to find a way and a time that would be acceptable for both of you.
2 days ago she was mean as a snake to me accusing me of all kinds of made up atrocities. Finally, I put one hand on her arm, my other arm around her shoulders and rested my forehead on her forehead. After holding her like that for maybe a minute, her episode ended and her face returned to normal.
Intimacy is not just about you and doesn't have to involve sex.
She must miss those hugs very much. Please consider hugging her at least once a day. The warmth and being touched still matter! They aren't a prelude to making love; they are "I like you" or "you're still important to me." A hug or any sort of casual affection can release hormones that make us feel better. This would benefit both of you.
I wish you luck in managing all that is upon you, and I do hope you come to the point where you feel comfortable enough to hug your wife.
You can still give her a kiss. You can still bring home some flowers or chocolates. Or hold her hand and watch a movie. A little can go a long way, my friend.
If you decide to have something on the side, don't let your wife ever know about it.
Care giving is terribly hard and often thankless work. You should consider hiring help to come into your home and give you respite. We all need down time. What Geaton says about possible depression is also something to consider.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
How do you think your wife would handle things if the tables were reversed and it was her having to wipe your butt and make sure that your safe and clean? Again I'm just curious.
I cared for my late husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 years marriage and during that time we were not able to make love, but still could snuggle if we wanted to and he gave the best one armed hugs(his right arm was paralyzed from his stroke)which I appreciated so much.
And yes for the last 22 months of his life I had to wipe his poopy butt and clean him up, when he was completely bedridden, and I did it out of love and in honor of the wedding vows I had taken on our wedding day.
And I still got my one armed hugs whenever I wanted/needed them. In fact that is what I miss the most in the over 5 years that my husband has been gone.
It may help you to seek out a local caregiver support group that you can share your thoughts and concerns with, as there is no one better to share with than people who have been through or are going through what you are.
And a good therapist might be in order as well, a regular one and even a grief counselor as you are now grieving the loss of your wife and life as things used to be before life happened.
I wish you well in at least giving your wife hugs every day as trust me when I tell you that there will come a day when you will wish for just one more hug from your wife, or being able to give her just one more.
Or, are you on any medications that might be impacting your libido? I'm not trying to put any guilt or pressure on you, but depression can creep up very slowly and wreak havoc on your life.
It totally changes the dynamics of the relationship.
This is a discussion to have with your wife.
Is there anything that can be done to help the situation?
Have you felt this way for a long time or just since she has needed care?
If you have felt this way for a long time then I think you are using the situation as an excuse/reason when there is a deeper reason. Only you being truthful with yourself can answer that.
If it is simply the act of cleaning her what would help? A bidet would make cleaning her less hands on.
You say you do not hug her. Does she hug you? Is she able to hug you?
You also do not go into detail about what she can and can not do.
Honestly if she is at the point where she is totally dependent on you and pretty much immobile then you will not get the intimacy that you want. And you resign yourself to this. It is a part of ".........in sickness and in health....."
Sorry I do not have a magic answer for you.
This is not something you "get over" you accept it, you deal with it.
If you truly want more sorry to say but you won't get the divorce suggestion from me. (sorry if this comes off as a bit harsh. I was caregiver for my Husband for 12 years during his / our journey with Alzheimer's and Vascular dementia. It is not easy, it is lonely, you miss the hugs, looks, kisses and even just a cuddle at night,. )
Sometimes the transition to being a caregiver does not allow you to feel like a spouse the same as before. Your wife is declining and you are grieving the loss of the wife you once had .
Grief counseling and/or mental health therapy could help. But do not feel you have to try to go back to your old feelings or to get over it .
This is a different stage in your life .