Why is it that being a caregiver for mom is so hard?

I know what you mean. I don't know what I would do with out my husband for support. My Mom doesn't want anyone to do anything for her but me. When I hire people to help out I'm accused of shoving her off onto other people. She claims she did just as much stuff for both my grandmothers and my grandfather. Not true. She's so needy and clingy. I've become so isolated. I never have time for friends anymore.

Mom is such a perfectionist. She create much more work for me and herself than is needed.

My husband insists we get away for a weekend every once and awhile. I find it really helps to recharge me. Though it doesn't last long enough. But it's really good thing to do.

I've also been treating myself to personal training. It helps in that its a lot of money to waste if I don't go and the exercise does energize me.

I'd love to have time to read a book. Or at least get my Christmas shopping done.

I'd like to see what other have to say.

LISA:

Forgive me if I'm too direct, but it looks to me like you're trying to rebuild your life while your Mom needs to find one; or at least make an effort to develop a social circle. About the dogs, my family used to say the same thing about me when my mother lived with me.

The poochies' love was unconditional, and they gave me more affection and signs of gratitude in one hour than my mother gave me since she spat me into the world; and has been charging me for it ever since.

My sisters were always critical for my lack of "worship" towards my mother. I told them to take her with them if they thought they could do better. That surely shut their flytrap, for I didn't hear about it again.

If I were your Mom, I'd certainly be grateful.

Today was one of the reasons care taking is so hard. My Mom had a fall, she went from the hospital, to a rehab and today I brought her back to her Assisted living home. I asked a million times what do I need to do? Does she have everything she needs? Are her medicines called in? I was told "Everything is fine, x will take card of that. It's already been taken care of".

Of course it wasn't. They waited until the last minute to even look at what needed to be done. It spent today running around doing last minute errands that would have been much easier last week. Her medicines weren't called in to the pharmacy until today. They weren't completed before she needed them. Some of the medicines are narcotics so I can't get them filled until the doctor sees her. We have an appointment tomorrow. She just got home and really isn't up to trip to the doctor tomorrow.

Tomorrow's doctors appointment means I'm going to miss a Christmas party. And a break and something fun that I really need to do. Couldn't they have told me I need one sooner so I could have gotten an appointment when I wouldn't have to miss my party?

There no consideration about what might work for me. It's as if I have nothing else to do but take care of my Mom. I have no life as it is. If I complain they will say "oh I'm sorry" but the same thing will happen again.

I just tired of doctors, nurses etc. thinking I have no life but care taking.

This is a great question! I left my job when I was 58 and cared for my dear mom until she passed in late October. I will be 60 soon, so I can relate. My experiences where almost identical.

First, stay on this site, pose all the questions you would like to talk about, vent. Tell the truth and share. After my mother passed away, I looked back at my first question and I could see how 'crushed' I was while I was caring for her. I could forgive myself and let go.

People on this site told me that I should hug her every day and tell her I love her, which I did... no matter how hard it got.

Also, I struggled with my health and finding time to make exercise and my friends a priority. I asked, how can I do ANYTHING, when my mother is essentially dieing? Isn't she the priority? How can anything for me be more important. When my sweetheart and I did take a week off, my mother didn't want us to go although she can plenty of care around her, and within a week of our return with every day an emergency, she ended up in the hospital. She just wanted me there every day.

For a long time I did not know if it would be a week or a year or quite a few years. My mom passed at 92 of congestive heart failure. Her health was up and down and she could have lived to 100. I wish she did live to 100... but the point is that you never know.

I joined a gym where I could go to exercise 3 days a week. I had standing appointments in the morning, so mom knew that I could take her to the doctor, shopping, errands, etc in the afternoons, evenings and weekends. One Sunday I spent the day with her, so I could be sure she would be OK on Monday so I could make an appointment, but she called me back to her house. She told me she didn't need me on Sunday! So, no matter what I planned, it was Impossible! for me to make an appointment for me for anything. I didn't even know when to make a dentist appointment.

The point is, I found this site very helpful. One day it will be over. Tell her you love her every day. Hug her if you can. Try very hard to make your own health a top priority!! Stay on this site and share and read and hopefully you will find your sanity here.

We have a sense of what you are experiencing and I can confirm that it's a challenge and a blessing.

AZ caregiver, can I ask why your Mom has a catheter? My Mom wakes up soaked every morning and I bathe her , she never had a sore on her, thank God, but why a catheter, dont they have to stay in bed with that? I still hoyer Mom to her recliner and wheelchair to come out with us so I cant imagine that.
On the pills, you can buy a crusher/pulvorizer one on amazon is best, and put them in pudding or yogurt , I use prune pudding. Some pills you cannot chew as they are time or sustained release and dangerous so make sure they are all crushable ok? I know it feels like our lives are on hold, we have to use their money for time off if we can, it makes a huge difference if you can find help. Hang in there!!!!

AZcaregiver, I found that dissolving the crushed pills in a small amount of carbonated beverage seemed to work best. Something strong flavored, like grape soda seemed to make the taste more acceptable.

Neither of my parents ever told us they loved us or hugged us. It was suggested here that I try it and for me it worked. Fortunately my mom was OK with it and of course if she didn't want a hug, some times I'd just touch her hand gently or sometimes she liked having her nails done (but only her way and she'd yell at me the whole time).

I think we each have to find what works out of the suggestions that are made here and not every suggestion will work for us.

I have the sweetest dog in the universe, perfectly well behaved. My mom hated to find even one hair on the carpet. She never liked having the dog come for a visit. After many attempts she finally forced herself to be nice to the dog.

I think she even liked the gentle little hugs eventually and some times she told me she loved me too. It was never a jolly happy easy experience with her, but with these suggestions that I read here, over time it got better for me and shockingly my mom tried a little harder to be nicer too. I hope that helps others to know some times it is downhill and some times they go up hill a little bit too.

I am amazed at how many others here have also retired early from jobs to stay home and care for a parent or parents. For those of you still working and doing this I have nothing but admiration as well. It gives me a sense of hope for the world especially at this time...with all the craziness going on around us...there are those of us who still value human life and all the hardships that can come with those lives. We are blessed in our struggles...we are strong...we still have our loved ones...we have each other. Ours is not an easy road, but I believe that it is a road well taken. Sometimes I wonder if my mom ever felt any of these same feelings when my siblings and I were little and running around driving her crazy....the circle of life. Thanks to all of you...you have been such a blessing to me and I apprciate all your feedback and advice...even when it may not be specifically at me...there is always something I can take away!

Lisabeth, I don't have any practical answers. I wish I could help. I truly wish I could meet you in person for a real physical hug. i'm 56 too and have lost a career and have felt so many times i'm not a human being, just a hopeless zombie doing the dirtiest jobs - except that zombies don't get hurt and it hurts so much every day, while those of the family who don't care have such a goodtime. AZcaregiver hugs and gold stars to you, i know just how it feels when she fights the diapers. its the very hardest job we're in, folks, for we're trying to face hatred with love. as this site explained in the beginning, we're in the Angel business, and as Mstone55 says, this is surely a hopeful sign in this sad dirty world. all we can do is hold hands with you - don't give up is easy to say, i've given up so many times myself. but let's try just one more time - and one more, one more - to continue spreading care and love.

Thanks for all the answers, I have tried huging and loving, but some times since she forgets many things and gets upset at me for not telling something I have already she snaps or I snap. I really love her but also my cousins ask me why I am not working and I have to answer again that she needs me, she cannot do anything by herself and I cannot pay for assistance all weeek, specially since if I get someone new things start disapearing. We just had a Christmas brindis here in the house and she loved it, but as always when we have something afterwards she starts complaining about her pain in her legs and I just try to tell her that it was her fault since in front of anybody she won´t try to walk or at least go to the bathroom because she is embarrased and obviously the pain gets worse. Sometimes I wish that someone in the family could just come and stay with her one whole day and I know that they would stop criticizing me. Well as all of you say we are the daughters and have to take care of our moms. they did so much for us when we were kids that now it is the time to give back.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL and thank you for your kind words