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My husband had kidney cancer 25 years ago that spread to his brain. He had his kidney removed and then a brain tumor removed. Then whole brain radiation. Cancer did not come back, but the radiation has done terrible things to his brain. He's now in a wheelchair and totally dependent on me. I miss him terribly even though he's still here. We always went on road trips together with our kids every year and did things together as a family all the time. He was a wonderful husband and father. When I look back, I sometimes wonder if I appreciated it enough back then. I sure hope I did.

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Hello. Do we ever really appreciate what we have from minute to minute ?

Probably sometimes for awhile and then we move on and either ignore or take things for granted.

Does it really matter that we dont consciously enjoy good times as they happen ?

that's what each of us can ask ourselves but actually isnt it good that we enjoy those times by looking back even if we didnt say that to ourselves at the time.
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I bet 99.99% of people feel the same way.
We live our lives, we are happy we can do the things we do and go the places we go but it is not until things slowly or sometimes quickly change that we look back and wonder.
Do you think your husband wonders the same? The home that you kept, the children you and he raised seeing them go on with their lives. The fun you had, the vacations some went well others you have stories to tell about what went wrong. This is life.
The care you provide for him now, the comfort you give that all comes from the heart,
Get the past tense out of your thinking .
He IS a wonderful father.
He IS a wonderful husband.
You look back and wonder if you appreciated it...you DO.
I am sure there are still things you can do together. They may not be the same things, the same adventures. But everything changes. Appreciate what you have, appreciate the future you do have.
Now...go give him a hug, a kiss and tell him you love him. That he can appreciate and you can as well.
((hugs to both of you))

By the way I had all the same "we shouldda done this or that" but that is wasted energy on something that can not be changed.
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CarynAnn: While recalling the past with fondness, please enjoy the time spent with him now, else if you're too focused on the past, you may miss the now. Enjoy your WONDERFUL memories of the past.
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Dear CarynAnn, I know exactly what you are going through. I have been caregiver for my husband for 7 years now. He can no longer get out of bed , I have to bath, shave, feed , change his diapers , he can’t even scratch himself . He has Dementia and Parkinson’s, diabetes, heart attack, and an 9.8 aorta aneurism that could burst at any moment. It’s terrifying to know I could loose my sole mate at any time and nothing can be done.
He was so active never still for
a moment. A Boat captain of a Florida deep sea fishing boat the Double Eagle in Clearwater Fl . A helicopter pilot ran his own tow truck business until going blind in one eye.
I tell him what we use to do as if we had just done it again. He can’t carry on a conversation at all . He wants to know I’m always awake , our TV in the bedroom never goes off he needs to hear it at all times.
please go on YouTube and type in music for dementia and disabled people . It’s amazing how they put ear phones on the disabled and they remember the words of the songs their bodies come to life it’s amazing . The music calms down all aggressive behavior. I hope you look it up.
I know just how hard it is to remember all the fun and romantic times spent together. Rick only knows me and he wants to know I’m near at all times.
your lucky your husband can sit up. I would be so happy to get Rick up into his lift chair again.
Don’t put a guilt trip on yourself. Your doing a wonderful job caring for him. People have no idea what a caregiver really faces caring for their disabled spouse. It breaks your heart
watching them continue to deteriorate.
I pray the mighty blood of Jesus over him and me . I use olive oil to anoint the sign of the cross on his forehead . As a blessing from our Lord . I had to turn my terrible depression over to God . I hope you have family that help you . I have no one other than people I have to pay to do any favor I need.
I pray God heals your heart and strengthens you so you know you are
a blessing to your husband . That without your care what would happen to him then? Always remember those wonderful years and as you do share
that time with your husband even though he may never remember it will stimulate his mind. I really hope you try the music it’s wonderful what it does for disabled persons. I pray our Lord sends his guardian angels to bless you and your family to keep you safe. To give you inward strength to continue your loving care of your husband .
God be with you . Please text me any time , I would love to share my life story with you if you would like . I’m thinking of putting it on here also. I have no family that can give me a hand . I have to pay for any help I get . But I continue to thank God for each day I get to spend with Rick and I keep praying I am able to continue caring for him as I have all our years together . He’s always been so spoiled.
Take care
🙏🙏🙏💕🌺🌺
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Sunflower2009 Jul 2021
Absolutely beautiful ❤️ I admire your positivity and love for your husband. So inspiring, thank you 🙏
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I too am on a emotional roller coaster thinking of good memories and what a great husband and father he was, is, yes we just take our loved for granted with unspoken words but it is the actions and deeds of the heart that mean more than words.
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Try not to be hard on yourself. I am sure you have been a wonderful caring wife as well as being his caregiver for all those years. In life often times it is the small things that are so special. That kiss, I love you, holding each other’s hand, that special loving look in your eye. Think of all those special times you have shared together. And continue to share that same wonderful loving warmth and words. They will live on in the hearts of both of you through eternity.
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CarynAnn, your experience of missing your husband even though he is still here, is a common feeling for those of us who have cared for a LO with dementia. Although your husband doesn't have dementia, your post reminds us that caregiving for any disease can bring an emotional toll on us. We never know what the future will bring, but we all hope we have lived a fulfilling life with our LO. We can still reminisce about our happier days. It's been almost 3 ½ yrs since I lost my wife, and I still ask myself “did I love her enough?”.
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Savor and enjoy the memories and him being with you. You can’t undo the past. Would have/should have/could have only robs you of joy. Love him and cherish your time together.
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
Thank you. Bless you.
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You are a wonderful wife to be caring for your husband for 25 years. Kudos to you. The good times must have been really good for you to be able to look back to them with pleasure after going through so much. All the best to you both!
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
Thank you for your kindness.
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I doubt it! - isn't is fundamental to the human condition, that classic "don't it always seem to go..."?

It's fine, it's normal, it's human. You were too busy being together and living your lives together to stop and (mentally) stare at it. But I'm glad you have those happy, happy memories to sustain you now.
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
Thank you for your encouraging words.
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We could all write a chapter of the book “Things I Could have done Better” I have wonderful memories of both my parents and raising my children, but also know that so much of those times is just a blur. That’s sad to me but also a part of life. You sound like a wonderful caregiver with happy memories to help you keep going. Don’t get mired down in regret, we all could have appreciated more, done better, loved more, it’s called living and learning as we go. I wish you both peace
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
It is so true that a lot of the past is just a blur. Thank you for your kindness.
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I don't believe any of us truly appreciate our loved ones; however the few memories you provided convinces me that you came closer to appreciating what you had more than I can say that I do.

Hang onto those precious memories and maybe document them. Even though your husband may not understand continue to tell him how much you love him and how much you value your relationship.

Prayers that you are blessed with peace, grace and love.
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
Thank you. Peace, grace and love to you too.
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Of course you appreciated the good life you shared with your husband who sounds like a wonderful man. The fact that you'd even ask the question is proof of your gratitude and appreciation for the life you lived with him.
Of course you miss him terribly. Even though he's still living, you're grieving the loss of him. Be kind to yourself. Take care of you because being a 24 hour caregiver to someone is no easy task.
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
Thank you so much for your very kind response. Means a lot to me. Take care of yourself too.
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I'm afraid that we spend way too much time regretting things we didn't do or say rather than be grateful for what we DID have.

Nobody gets out of here alive--and hopefully we all have been blessed with enough love and care that 'leaving' is not awful for anyone.

When I went through chemotherapy, I truly came to find out who was 'there' for me and who was not. No anger, no judgment, many people can't handle 'sick' of any kind.

Life is so short. I hope my LO's know how much I cared for them. I have no idea how most of them feel about me. It's not a contest, nor a goal. I believe life on earth is brief and challenging, but it is what it is.

My daddy spent about 3 years being 'unaware' of most things. I spent a LOT of time with his as he was bedridden. Nothing can take that from me.

What's that song? "What the world needs now is love, sweet love, that's the only thing that's there's just too little of".
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
Bless you.
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I too took care of my husband for a very long time. He was my second husband, my true love, and a great stepdad to my children. A year and a half after we got married my husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48, and our rollercoaster ride began. It continued on through him developing grand mal seizures, breaking his hip after falling during one of his seizures, and having to have a partial hip replacement, being in and out of the hospital trying to get his seizures under control, along with other surgeries, being impacted, and eventually developing aspiration pneumonia, after he was diagnosed with vascular dementia, which almost killed him, and gave him sepsis and septic shock. He was then able to come home under hospice care and was completely bedridden, where he spent the last 22 months of his life. My husband died at the age of 72, on Sept. 14th 2020, and I miss him every day. I made sure before he died, that he knew how much he meant to me, and how grateful I was to have him in my life. It was while on that rollercoaster, that I learned what true love was all about. I am now off of that rollercoaster, and am on the rollercoaster of grief. That's a whole other kind of rollercoaster, although you are now experiencing some of that with the anticipatory grief(the loss of a loved one before they actually die).
We're all human, but it makes no sense to go over the would haves, could haves or should haves in our minds. All we have is today, so please make sure you're making the very best out of it. and be thankful that you still have your memories of the good times shared. God bless you.
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
Bless you too. I hope the wonderful memories you have ease your grieving a little each day.
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MJ is correct with her statement. I also feel that what you are feeling is completely natural.

It sounds like you have precious memories of your husband and children. It is true, sometimes we don’t know what we have, until it’s gone. Don’t you think part of that is because we were young and busy with raising our children, along with many other things.

Here’s another take. my mother in law was the dearest woman in the world. She was so very kind to us. Well, whenever she was around our daughter, she would look right past us with a giant smile on her face that lit up the entire room. She would say to our child. “Come see grandma!”

My husband and I would look at each other and giggle. My mother in law’s love for our daughter was so touching. We would joke around saying, “Gee, we remember when we got a big hug and kiss before our daughter was born, now we are invisible.” We are grateful that our oldest child knew her. She died before the youngest one was born. My parents did the same thing. They were fabulous grandparents, but we knew they didn’t forget about us.

We absolutely knew that we didn’t hold a candle next to a precious child and we didn’t mind one single bit. After my mother in law said hello to her granddaughter, we got our hugs. We knew that she loved us! I have no doubt that your husband knew that you loved him and knew that you were busy with life and raising your children.
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
Thank you so much. Warms my heart.
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We rarely appreciate how good we have things until we have bad times to compare them against.

One of my favorite quotes and mantras is from the book "How Green Was My Valley" --


"...there is no fence or hedge round Time that has gone. You can go back and have what you like if you remember it well enough."

Treasure the memories of the good times, because they haven't been taken from you.
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CarynAnn Jul 2021
Thank you for your kind words.
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