My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

Beretta, something is going on here that you are not "getting", I think. Having her dad there is fulfilling some need that your wife has that is unfulfilled by her marriage and her job. Maybe this need to have her dad at home is fueled by some cultural or familial expectations that are embedded in her, or maybe there's an enmeshed relationship. WE can't know that.

But you are clearly unhappy with this situation and want to change it. And she does not, and you seem unwilling to up the ante by forcing the issue. You hint around, you ask for a relative to talk to her, you are willing not to participate in YOUR dad's care, all to keep the peace. So in my eyes, this is not a functional marriage.

I would not attempt to repair this situation on my own, unless you are ready for a split right now, i.e., you go to your dad's to care for him while she remains in your marital home to care for her dad. If you are interested in repairing this breach, seek marriage therapy. If not, retain a lawyer and find out what your legal and financial obligation is to your wife.

Give your father in law a ride to AL, a new senior apartment, or a room rental. Let your wife care for him there. She will understand with this change.

Your wife may have unrealistic expectations of you joining her in the caregiving responsibilities. It may be unspoken. But there is some resentment?
Maybe, if she won't talk about it, you can apologize for not being helpful enough , but that is her job and you're not going to help lose your wife by supporting this behavior from her. There is another reason you need a third party.
You mentioned her cousin? I might have missed something, but this pain has gone on long enough.
Then, there are some wives/husbands who have bigger problems you cannot fix.

vstefans has laid it out like it is!

I hope not, but if she does or already has made a conscious decision that daddy is more important, then she's broken her marriage vows and it would be time for the fist line of a song that I'm writing, "I Can't Be Married to You & Dad" If I can't have you only, I'd rather be alone like I already am." If it goes that way, which I hope it does not, then take your energy and put it into writing a book "When She's Married to Dad: A Story of the Dad Enmeshed Daughter" It would compliment the book that is already on the market, "When He's Married to Mom: Mom Enmeshed Men".

I hope this is not true, but it sounds like this may well be going on. If so, she likely has blinders on and ear plugs in her ears to keep from seeing or hearing reality any different that her very narrow perception.

I'd try, but she might not go to therapy which you can't force her as adult to do, but you can tell her is something you are doing as a consequence of her behavior.

On a more cynical level, none of the above may be true. Is dad bringing money into the household that she's afraid of living without? Is he providing a big amount of money that makes the household budget a whole lot easier to live within or gives her more money to spend? If so, that's still being unfaithful.

I hope and pray that I'm entirely wrong. I pray more that at least you will get yourself into therapy regardless of what wifey does or does not do. You didn't make her the way she is now (and may have been all along.) You can't control her. You can't fix her. The only one you can control and fix is yourself.

You both need to be sitting in a room with a competent third party - therapist, pastor, somebody - and share with them what she said at the end of your anniversary celebration. She has sadness about her dad, and sure, that's valid, but you have sadness about the effective total loss of your marriage, that what she said meant to you that with even a short time away from your dad she misses him and feels more for him than for all the time and intimacy she has missed with you. I mean, unless her missing him is just her feeling and she is really wiling to work on using more respite and giving something to your marriage on a regular - not annual - not monthly, but truly regular basis. Maybe her guilt about dad if she does not provide all his care personally is overwhelming her sense that you and your marriage matter and can't just be put on the shelf indefinitely, until Dad is no longer in need of care, which is what she thinks she wants and should be able to do, because its her Dad! Much easier than facing down an incredible load of false guilt, right? Someone besides you has to tell her no, it can't work like this and it's not OK. The worst thing that can happen is she will consciously decide that Dad really is more important, and she'll be posting on here about how her spouse left her because of caregiving. But if we recognize the situation - that she could have had and enjoyed respite and could have nurtured your relationship but chose not to, chose to drain it dry instead, we can call BS on that.

Pure motives? Then I apologize in advance. Just checking.

Maybe you are feeling guilty, Bereta? What is it that you might be guilty about, because guilt can cause you to not take action. That is what a therapist is for.

After a time of complaining, perhaps you wouldn't feel guilty about moving on to another relationship, because, after all, who could blame you? After all this time?

Seek therapy.

Do you have a place to stay for 3 days-1 week? Raise your priority quotient with your wife by walking out. Once you have her attention she will listen to you.

This is called tough love, necessary because she is hurting you.

Sorry, but the wife's comment at the end of an anniversary celebration is pure sick! Makes me wonder who wifey is emotionally closer to? Husband or daddy?

Past time for therapy for this crisis! Get at least yourself into therapy now!
Make that call in the morning from work!

I am sad for you. It does sound like you are not a priority for her. You pay for everything, you just keep going on and on, you don't use his money to give either of you some relief, you are living paycheck to paycheck. This is not healthy. You really should go see a counselor and figure out why you are doing this. I feel sure you want your marriage not to fall apart, so you do have to fix yourself. A doormat is not a great partner for almost anyone.

Honestly, I think this is going to be the infamous Russian type of progress: 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward (or is it 2 steps forward and one step backward?). Your wife really seems intransigent on this subject, and either can't or won't make a decision.

I'm wondering if she'd be any more likely to think clearly if faced with some very drastic choices, such as he goes or you go, not that I would suggest threatening but this clearly has gone on a long time without any resolution.

Wow. Just wow. I will reiterate that you and DW really need to go see a professional therapist.

Well we had our anniversary on sunday, and my wife's brother took FIL for the afternoon. Had a nice drive in the country and dinner. But at the end before he got home she said she missed him, looked at me and i blurted out I did not, and could get used to the place all ours again. She did aggree with that but said it just did not feel right without FIL there. Wow. Now I feel were sliding backwords.
So my plan is to give it a few weeks, and then bring up the AL topic, but with more conviction. I almost feel like she is waiting for something to happen; medical or accidental--before she will react. Am I to gain anything by being more demanding that we make plans for the future? I do not want to aggrivate the situation, but when one IS aggrivated what can one DO?

Beretta; Elderly people with dementia fall all the time. At home. In nursing homes and ALs. With aides in the room. My mother fell with two aides in the room (documented). When I mentioned this at the hospital where she was having hip surgery, one of the nurses patted my arm and said, "sweetheart, my mom broke her hip with THREE RNs in the room and one of them was ME. She was just standing there and her hip spontaneously fractured from osteoporosis". Being extremely old and having dementia is sad, and bad for one's long term health. I guess the alternative is dying younger.

The good thing is that your FIL will probably have more distractions and more of a social life. The other reason to get him to AL NOW is that he'll adjust more easily the more cognitive skills he has. Trying to transition someone with more advanced dementia into an AL often causes a steep and sudden decline.

I'm sorry that you are still facing this issue. It may be that FIL doesn't leave, that your wife can't face it, or that he tries it and hates it and your wife can't/won't wait out the adjustment period. I think you need both plan A and plan B in this case. If he ends up staying, you need to figure out the resources that you will use to hire in home respite so that your marriage doesn't suffer. That way you'll have something to look forward to each week.

My FIL sold his house last year, and after paying off debts the balance is in an account set up to cover his AL/Nursing home costs once he goes in.

I wonder how you are planning to pay for assisted living? Also, o the question of fearing that things may go bad in AL, thats kind of a legitimate fear not a phobia, and then she might feel guilty about having him there or feel just as much need to be at his side all the time. How does this proposed move help financially for you as a couple? I would just be glad that her fear is not about facing a bad marriage with no other distraction she can use to avoid the terrible issue of breakdown in the marriage.

My FIL pays for groceries and his Lifeline alert unit; where I cover all else. She once told me she is scared about feeling guilty if anything happened to him inside of AL or a nursing home. It is difficult to re-assure her as something could happen just as easy at home, especially when we are both out working. She thinks with her heart where I try to think with heart AND mind, am am more realistic about things. I have said that yes he is good now, both mind and health being good--but I know that something WILL happen--it's life and it sucks, but we need to be ready for it; and at least in AL there will be help there. To be fair neither of us has ever faced this with a loved one, so were going on instinct mostly. This is why I really appreciate the replies i get which have helped SO much.

Are finances an issue because your wife is not working as much as she would be if fil wasn't in your home? I tske it there is no rent being paid by him or caregiving money being paid to your wife?

You might want to frame this as a financial question; how are we going to be able to retire if we're not building up funds for OUR old age.

Since wife brought up " scared as an emotion" have you asked her exactly what her fears are about?

So we are going to celebrate Thanksgiving this Sat (In Canada it is in October). Sunday it is my wife and my anniversary. She made arrangements for FIL to go off with her brother and girlfriends kids to give us some much needed time away from him. Now as great as that is, I am thinking about bringing up AL again, during our time alone. Saying "I know you love having him here, but your next breath saying you have not had a break in 365 days": I need her to make a choice for the future. Not a ME OR HIM scenerio but just a committment to go forward with his AL plans. For me something needs to give, as my finances are dwindling, back to paycheck to paycheck and we cannot keep this up. Any advise? I will respond back next week with updates..........

Fear keeps so many people stuck. I'm not talking about the fight or flight response which is healthy and protective but phobias, which are intense and irrational fears. There are specific fears (this woman's fear of AL), social fears (which may be what this woman fears about AL that she'll have to meet new people), and agoraphobia (which also may be this woman's fear about AL and not being able to escape it). I think Babalou's question is a good one. Did this woman see something traumatic in a nursing home/senior home? Did this pop up randomly? Women are more likely than men to have phobias. If she doesn't address her fear and try to overcome it she will be ruled by it. Your wife sounds a little like my FIL who is overprotective of his wife and that is not good for any of you especially as your FIL needs more professional help. I applaud you researching AL and encourage you to start touring some places on your own if that's possible even if it's just to get out of the house. I wish you lots of luck!

Beretta - sounds like you are making progress on the communication front. That's great and that fil sees that there are some benefits to being in an ALF. Looking like you are heading into a win-win where fil will be moving, communication between you and your wife s better, she is expressing her feelings, and you are working as a team.

Good question, Babalou and one we don't need to know the answer to, but Beretta would be helped by finding this out for himself and for his wife for if she can share this with her husband instead of being all alone in it, then they will feel closer together even without getting anything fixed. Building off of that, I would ask is the fear a fear of assisted living or a fear that the assisted living may lead him to die sooner which she might have been thinking she could prevent all by herself by doing the caregiving basically all by herself on her own, but then complaining about needing help when she has refused help?

Is she afraid of facing life once her dad dies? Is she displacing this fear to the assisted living to avoid that fear she she's really got about a fear of eventually loosing dad?

An interesting emotion, this fear is, although FIL sounds like he's open to go for more variety and activity that assisted living provides. The same person every day all day with nothing else to do does get boring after some time. She's not going to be able to fix or resolve her fears by being controlling and isolating towards others while over protecting and hovering over her dad. That's really not treating him with much respect nor as a fellow adult. Since he has expressed interest in going to an assisted living for all the right reasons, then his desire should be respected and it will meet more of his needs to live life as much as he can now although him going there might not meet her needs. In my opinion keeping an older adult overprotected does no more good than keeping a child over protected but for different reasons. Who knows, but he may be more like my dad who has prepared for, face the reality of and gone into his phase in life very realistically almost to a fault. I think at some point FIL will need to be brought into this discussion and have his feelings validated and his request honored. Sorry folks, but more and more FIL is sounding like a kept man being over protected like a child. That's insulting to me anyhow.

Beretta, I'm curious what part of Assisted Living scares your wife? You don't need to answer, it just seems like a curious emotion to attribute to oneself in this situation.

Stacey, I think you may have misunderstood my meaning. I said that it seemed that the wife had no privacy in her conversation with the Doctor, that her MIL overheard it and reported it back to her son.

I've had wonderful, mentoring relationships with some of my bosses, especially when I was young. I would have been appalled if other employees were overhearing me talk about my private concerns and reporting what I said to others.

Babalou, oh, I don't know, I worked as a Medical Assistant for a Family Practice for 15 years, 6 years for one Doc, and 9 years for the last one, and you do get close to your work partner/Dr. in my experience. I would definitely share my life experiences and he with me, and I think it's especially nice that she was able to open up to someone who is wise to the situation, as I'm sure that he has certtainly del with the situation before and probably knows very well just how much stress she is under, and it quite possibly is affecting her work performance. I would let her some time to digest the information, then bring it up, but ttoday I see that you two are having some time together soon, and hopefully she will shortly come to terms with it. I wish you good luck! I've has my FIL in my home for 11 years, I'm still trying to figure it all out! It's not easy, and everyone's circumstances are different and difficult! Ugg!

Sounds like an overprotective daughter who assumes she knows what her dad wants without asking him and wants to be like a hellocopter while saying she's tired but doesn't want hired or free help which is pride. I don't listen to such growling. It appears to me that you have been opened to listening but she's the one who has shut you out which to me is pride mixed with fear. I'm glad she's now talking, but I wouldn't beat myself up over it. She chose to shut down and cut you off. She may at some point benefit from some counseling or even the two of you together if this shut down, cut iff style of handling stress has been ongoing.

so last night my Wife and I had a nice open and rational talk about my FIL and AL. She is scared but now is realizing that we all need to look to the future and move forward. She told me while she has been off her and FIL have talked about it. He is more open to the AL idea then she thought, as my FIL does
understand it is some opportunuty for more activity than he has now. So i will now continue to investigate 3-4 places I like, and we will bring him up to one for a tour in the next few weeks. All this progress from my question to her "Are you scared and how can I help?" Again thanks to all these great post and suggestions I have taken in and used in my home. Will update soon.......

As other have suggested, working to build trust between you and your wife so she feels safe enough to share her deepest fears, thoughts etc. with you is very important. Sometimes all a person - especially a woman - needs is to be heard. Perhaps look up some communication skills online and differences in communication between men and women. Women need first of all to be heard, and not necessarily have the problem "fixed". If you try to offer a solution too quickly it may cut off further communication as she may feel you are not listening to her. Try drawing her out more when she growls about having her dad for a year. Just say you understand that it is hard and you understand that she has conflicting feelings about helping him and needing a break. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. The two of you need to work out the solutions together. Share your fears with her too. Communication is key here and working together as a team. Rather than telling her to take time off, perhaps ask her if taking time off while you are at home would help her. That gives her a chance to talk about her feelings about leaving her dad alone with someone else. Good luck.

So as I told my mother what conversation took place is between the DR and my wife, so please drop it--which is what has been done. I will see what my wife and how or if she talks to me, as she is off for 2 wks while DR is away on vacation. She will be home with FIL during this time, as I wirk all week. So far so good, but She has growled at me about going on a year and she has not had a break from him. I tell her to go out once in a while, while I am home but she does not. What worries me is how she will direct her stress, as it is rough to see she is on one hand happy her dad lives with us, then in the next breath says how tired she is and needs a break from him. Will be interesting next couple weeks. Will post any happenings..........

Beretta, there is no excuse for an employer raising personal issues such as those discussed with your wife, and overheard by your mother. Granted, professionals w/o HR departments don't always have the best employer approaches, but I think it was extremely tactful and inconsiderate to raise the issue with your wife in such a manner than the door was open (presumably) and anyone walking by could have heard the conversation.

Honestly, I think your wife was justified if she was annoyed, and especially at your mother for sharing what should have been a privileged discussion with you.

I'm glad there is some progress. However, if I were your wife, your mother would not be on my list of favorite people and I would be tempted to tell her to mind her own business. And perhaps that's why your wife had been resistant to your efforts for some time. She might consider your mother a meddler and direct her resentment toward you.

No on the doctor telling My mom (His RN), she just happen to overhear the conversation while on her way out for Lunch. This DR would not specifically tell her as it is between my wife and him. I have no idea what was said, I just am waiting to see whether it hit home with my wife or not. But she is more open to some limited discussion on AL for my FIL. So at least there is a break in the wall about it. I consider that progress...............