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After 11 months, working full time and doing most of if not all the household duties, i feel like more of a room-mate then a husband most of the time. One of my best friends to the both of us offered to come over and be my FIL's "gopher"to give is a much needed break together. My wife said no as she did not want to leave her dad and burden him with the task. This has been my last 11 months. Even now as she knows he needs to go to AL, she is hesitating and reciently told me to "back-off" on the subject as it is upsetting her. So as I am researching AL places on my own, i am getting more bitter every week.
Help........need advise AGAIN!

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Beretta thanks for updating us with this great news!
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Been a while but thought I'd update y'all. My FIL has been living in a retirement home now for 10 months. My wife and I have been able to start the reconnecting process, but it was not the year I had planned on. My mom was in a major car accident and hospitalized for 6 months. So it was an adventure of running there on Saturdays and my FIL on sunday as we get him groceries and visit. now my mom is at home again, physically never the same but alive and can be mobile. the next step for us is my FIL needs to go to Long term Care, but we are all positive and working together to make this happen. As I have said before, this forum has helped me get thru the worst times. the advise out here given by all has not only helped me get thru this, but keep my marriage from tanking. So tanks, I mean THAKNS to all for your advise and caring!!!
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We love you for coming back to give thanks!! (Not to mention the good news really brightened my day too.) Prayers for it all to continue with as much joy in life as you all can handle.
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Beretta, thanks for the update, as well as the excellent progress report. It seems as though everything is falling into place. It's especially encouraging to read that you and your wife have found a way to keep your FIL involved in your life so he doesn't feel pushed aside, as elders sometimes do.

The birthday party is a great idea - it'll raise his esteem in the opinion of his fellow residents, and hopefully will make him really feel great. I've always thought that elders whose family maintain regular and supportive contact once in a different living environment adapt and cope much better than those who who experience less family support.

Your journey has been a long one, but the path is clearing for all of you.

And thank you for sharing such positive news!
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Hi baretta68. I didn't talk much with you during the time you were trying to achieve what you have now, but I was following the thread. I congratulate you for being one of the most patient and dedicated husbands I have ever heard of. You must love your wife beyond belief! That's wonderful. I am glad everything has worked out for all three of you, thanks mostly to you. After my dad died, my mom was still independent, lived in the same house, drove, and seemed to be doing fine. I am an only child, and my advice to everyone would be the same as yours, plan ahead! What I didn't realize was that mom had a spending problem and had gone through all of my dad's life insurance and thought she could live as she always had on two reduced pensions and dad's social security. She was visiting at our house one weekend and broke her hip, and that is when my education with dealing with the system for the elderly began. Oh, how I wish she and I had discussed finances and future plans before she was in a situation where decisions had to made. By the time she passed away, I had caught up and had her funeral pre-planned and paid for. She had even picked out which dress she wanted to wear. We were fortunate to have time to talk, enjoy each other, and do the planning at our own pace. So, when she passed away, a phone call put everything in motion; and, I didn't have to make emotional and uninformed decisions. The greatest gift anyone can give to their loved ones is to spell out what they want in case they can no longer make their own decisions or pass away! After learning what I did, I went to the same funeral home, made my own arrangements, and paid for them! I hope others learn from our experiences. I think you are a great guy! I wish all women were loved by someone as much as you love your wife. Thanks for keeping us posted.
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Update. It has now been 5 weeks. My FIL is happy and enjoying. My wife and I are focusing on "us" time. I have turned house and back yard into our weekend projects now. Takes the focus off the FIL and to what we used to do together.
So far So good! We have not cut him out, as we go see him once a week--my wife goes twice. And now planning for his 80th at the Village with a lunch party.
So I ask myself now after reflection, "Would I do this again?" it would be hard to say yes, as I found it the most draining part of my life, but also rewarding knowing it was for the right reasons at the time. Best advice I could give to new comers thinking about caregiving is PLAN AHEAD and cover your bases! Jumping in with your heart but with no planning will lead to lots of frustration and issues. Think first with family and have a plan!! And once again to all who helped me out here with your advise, a huge thanks!!!!!!!!!
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My suggestion for the "What-Now's?" is to go out on dates like you two use to do and have some fun just being the two of you.
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Beretta: so happy to see it all worked out for you. After your FIL adjusts to the AL, he will have a more fulfilling life. The AL where my mother lived for 8 years is really amazing. She had friends and shared common interests, and lots and lots of activities. In other words, she had opportunities that she never would have had living with us, having us plan her entertainment.
In fact, my sister lost her husband this year. She is in the process of selling her house and moving to the same place Mom was in. She is excited about the social life and making friends.
Best of luck to you! Enjoy your life while your FIL enjoys his.
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Interesting thread. Does anyone know how it all worked out in the end?
Everyone in different, some people feel a strong love or maybe obligation to care for a parent and others feel as my family does - there is always another option which would be better for both the parent and child. Maybe it depends on how close the family was in the first place.
This is my second marriage and to my spouse Mom is not family and they are not close. He said he would never live with her and it would be the end of our marriage, and I respect that. Over the past 20 years, she has been difficult even from afar. As an only child, he was responsible for both his parents until they died. I never would have disrupted and put our marriage at risk bringing Mom here. There were other choices which worked out better for both Mom and our marriage.
To me, Beretta is a saint to have taken second place for so long.
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The end of the journey. My FIL is now in his new residence going on 4 days. We have also re-set up our home back to where it was. My wife is doing ok for now, a bit depressed at times, but all-in-all better than I thought. We are experiencing the "What-Now's?" as in not quite knowing what to do with ourselves. But day to day we will handle it. I am now going to work on my home as I was beginning to when all his started. will touch base once in a while to catch up. All I can say to everyone out here is the comments and suggestions, especially when I felt my most low, whatever they were I read them all, and helped me through this experience more than you realize, and for that I will always be appreciative!!!
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Thanklessjob, hey, your opinion is just good as anyone else's. I think you have some good points, we all want the best for him and his wife. What I love about this site is, this forum presents all sides, experiences, and knowledge, and everything I have seen is given in love. Then we can take what we need at the moment.
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HI Beretta,
I wish you luck with getting your FIL in an AL and KEEPING him there. Things are looking much more positive than in your original post. I hope your wife doesn't try to undermine his stay by finding fault and bringing him back to your home.
Now to all the posters;
What great advise you've given beretta over the past 7 months! However, I don't think you're picking up on the clues in his replies. This gentleman doesn't WANT to go to therapy. Why? Who knows. Maybe because only "crazy" people go to therapists, maybe he had a bad experience with one, maybe he doesn't want "other issues" resurrected, maybe he can't afford it. For whatever reason, it's not going to happen. Better to drop it.
It's also obvious that he's never going to walk out on her. A man with that much "patience" would never think of abandoning his wife. I'd give that one up too.
The suggestion for a housekeeper was good, but, as far as I can see, he only used one once.
The cousin sounded promising but nothing came of that and he didn't seem to persue it any farther.
Maybe all beretta was looking for was sympathy/empathy. He found it here and has a sense of belonging and acceptance now. (Something he didn't have with his wife in September.) We were an outlet for him and maybe that's all he needed. Even though WE think he should have been more aggressive, that doesn't seem to be who he is and fit his personality. I'm sure all the advice was appreciated but it has to "fit" the person's style.
It's been frustrating to read the "set-backs" for him, but he had to play it as HE sees it. We can be there when the going gets tough(er). We can pray and send positive thoughts to him.
I'm sure I'm going to take some "heat" for my opinion, but that's how I see it. Just my 2 pesos.
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I do hope this goes well and very soon after the transition that you and your wife will get some marriage counseling for your bigger journey is not over yet.
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DITTO to what JB said above!!!
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It has been an extraordinarily long road for you all and I truly pray this all works out and that your relationship will be rehabilitated and thrive once dad has moved. Kudos to you for having the guts to stick this out and persevere through it.
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1 week away now. And as a further update, I rec'd a text from my wife with just a 7. I said huh? And she meant 7 days--now she is counting down! I got home, and FIL says 7 days to go. I am staying quiet, but enjoying the positivity. Let us see in 7 days after all is said and done before I get "Giddy"
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Well I think we are all hoping for you will have a fairy tale ending and all will work out for the better.
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Beretta, i hope after you get back from your vacation, you further surprise your wife with the gift of going to couples therapy. These caregiving years are tough on marriages; yours is in some dangerous shoals right now.

You and your wife need to get some mutual understanding and agreement about what your responsibilities and roles are vis a vis all of your parents as they age.

What I've noticed over time is that "kids" who've had the worst childhoods seem to be in the forefront of those who feel that they MUST give up their lives to do hands on care for their parents. Maybe they are still looking for love, or validation from that parent. I'm no expert.

What i do see is that your wife has some misplaced and frankly wildly inappropriate ideas on this that are eroding your marriage. Damage has been done. You deserve for it to be repaired.
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You wife is still very ambivalent about the plan. It's guilt. False guilt manisfesting as an overblown loyalty and misplaced priority. Don't cater to it or cave in to it. Are you two in some counseling? Terry512 is right, but is that something you can talk about with her, or do you need a third party to say it instead or in addition for it to sink in?
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beretta68,

I really wonder what is going on with your wife wanting to be such an overprotective daughter to the point of ignoring you? At this point, I think I'd say, enough is enough, if he comes back home, I am gone. What need is she trying to meet by this over attachment?
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no she is not. just a nice person offering advice that I answered back to.
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Beretta, I'm confused. I checked Terry512's profile to see what she had written about this situation and found this in her background description:

" I also took care of my elderly father for 9 years until he passed when he didn't want to live by himself after my mother passed away."

https://www.agingcare.com/Members/Terry512

So this Terry512 can't be your wife, right? What am I missing or confusing?
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Thanks all. "Terry512" my wife has made hints that if this doesn't work he might return. I addressed that by pointing out that our home cannot support him as his mobility gets worse-that was the big point for him TO move. But I also made it clear that I am done caregiving for him at our Home, but will be there if my FIL needs us of course. I also have my parents to keep in mind as well. but yes I am ready to make it clear if that times does happen with her.
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Beretta, thanks again for sharing the wonderful news and progress. Looking back to when you first posted, I'm sure it seems you've come a long way, on a challenging journey, but you're close to your destination now.

Thanks for sharing your very personal story, and providing hope and encouragement to others facing similar situations.
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The first time something happens at the NH and/or he doesn't get his way, he may start complaining and wanting to come home again. Before this happens, explain to her that in the beginning, getting settled is something he will need to get used to and there will be an adjustment period. He may complain but don't jump in and try to rescue him right away. It has to be a legitimate complaint that can't be fixed before he comes back. She should be told he needs to stay and get used to the place before she runs to his rescue again. There will be an adjustment period for her too but it will pass. If she goes to get him anyway even over your objections, if I were you, I would pack my bags and head out the door as he's coming in because you've lost your place in the family and need to move on. Good luck on your new venture.
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i can cook ..
just sayin ..
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start swinging that bone like a baseball bat . im not just being derrogatory . many years ago my ex lost interest in me and we were seperated forever in a matter of three weeks . its right on the police report ; wife lost interest , husband exited via the roof ..
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Best update yet.
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2 weeks away from the move. Not only is FIL staying positive, my wife has been out shopping for items for his new residence--all by herself!! I take this as a big plus. I also will be booking a surprise weekend away come April--all she knows is were going "out" for dinner, but I will pack for us! Keep positive is the way to be. I will still keep my eye on her for any signs of depression, but Forward we go.
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Sounds good so far. I hope this few days away will truly be some"us" time for the two of you. It may feel awkward at first since ya'll have not been "us" for some time, but you deserve "us" time without talking about her dad. She owes you big time since you have been so overwhelmingly patient with her to the point that I don't think many people would go to. If she takes off talking about her dad, you need to remind her that this is "us" time. Good luck. I still think ya'll need couple therapy for your marriage.
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