My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

Sounds great!!!

More of an assisted living deal. room for my FIL to be semi-independant as he still can, but assistance like we provide and 24/7 nursing. This place has it all, from retirement up to Memory care and Hospice. He likes it as he knows the place--my Late MIL's aunt was there 1999-2003. So it is familiar to him. That is the most important for us, that he is comfortable and positive about this.

I wish you lots of luck, Beretta. Is this village a rental or will your FIL buy in? My inlaws are in an independent living community that is a rental. Renting made the most sense for them. Key things we looked at during our tour were the bathrooms. Are there panic buttons in the bathrooms and are the bathrooms big enough to accommodate two people with one in a shower chair? When we were looking at indy living for my inlaws MIL needed help toileting and doing everything one would normally do in the bathroom. Even with MIL's helper, bathing takes much longer as does everything else like dressing, so the bedroom/bathroom area had to work. I would pick 2 or 3 things to put on the "must have" list. Good luck!

So i have toured the place my FIL wanted me to go to. It is a Village (They don't like facility) that has a major expansion that opens in Oct 2016. I am getting the family together to show them, and then arrange a tour that FIL wants to see the model suite. I think this is perfect as it gives my FIL the focus of preparing for this place, and my wife the knowledge that this is not being done quickly, but easily and with patience. Of course this is based on my FIL liking when we tour next month, but the way he speaks of it, he is looking forward to it. My wife sees this and I believe her apprehention is calming as she sees his positive reactions. And for me, a light at the end of this journey. This will keep up my strength for the next 9 months. Will post back once my family meeting and 1st tour go. Hopefully all positive!

Berretta, this is wonderful news! I'm still going to suggest that you and your wife go to therapy. There is a really dysfunctional communication pattern in play here. Not meaning to be a downer, I'm really happy for you!

Yes, way to go! I hope this is the start of a series of events that lead to an acceptable compromise or resolution for your family.

That is wonderful!!!

So what a New Year brings. I remember getting advice out here to speak to my FIL as to what he wants. He must have thought on that for a bit, and while we were together New year's Eve, he blurted out a place in town his cousin went to, and he wants me to tour and report back. In shock as we were, I realize that no one ever asked him directly. And after hearing his wishes my wife has gotten on board as well, not scared, but understanding this IS what DAD wants. She is now openly talking not just to me but to other family. Still a ways to go and work to do, but I feel like a huge weight is slowly lifting. And again I want to extend my appreciation to all whom have commented--the ideas and suggestions--they have helped guide me thru this and kept my sanity levels in check by not doing something hasty. Will report back in a bit after my tour and my FIL's reactions.

Her overwhelming father-guilt may have made her do that, but the next and bigger question is simply whether she is planning to proceed as you had discussed or if she is now expecting to maintain the status quo long term. If she says her father staying there means too much to her to give it up, and she is backtracking, you need to pack your things. If she says she is ready to make changes but no actual move is made towards alternative arrangements during the first few weeks of 2016, same thing. By first few weeks I do not mean first full month either. Glad you are getting counseling.

Hello beretta and all of you dear people who have been trying to help him. Cmagnum, there is a note of finality in your faith that beretta plans to see a professional. (Am I reading something that isn't there?) This thread came to my attention this morning while catching up with email. Isn't it a great feeling to start a new year with renewed determination to deal with whatever is left over from '15 and whatever might arise in '16? I want to do whatever you think is best. My heart goes out to you, beretta. With some minor changes, this scenario could reflect what my husband, my mom and I went through for over five years. Baretta, you and my husband are rare jewels for loving your wives enough to try to help the situation and for "standing by your women." I will share some of what happened to me if you think it will be helpful. You guys all seem to know each other well, so I will rely on your opinions. I have posted on and off, but it has been awhile since I have been consistent. Please let me know how you feel about my involvement. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO US ALL!

beretta has posted that he is going to get counseling. That's a good move.

14 months and counting. Make a new plan, Stan, slip out the back, Jack, just get yourself free! Goes the song. For you, Beretta, just stop complaining and do the dishes! If you decide to stay, it is actually disloyal of you to continue to complain about your wife and your situation.

Not mean, just tough love. Do something, you're the man! Be a leader!

Beretta, changing the voice message can be called a form of gaslighting. (Look it up) That could be why you have not succeeded, you are kept in the dark, there are ulterior motives at work to undermine you, and you are kept off balance trying to figure things out. When the words do not match the behavior, you need to go by the behavior. Get counseling, that's where I learned that.
Don't get me wrong, I am not taking sides here. You are definitely complicit in some way, means that you are getting something out of this non-marriage marriage, which maybe gives you a freedom undisclosed. You could make yourself accountable to a mentor, but not as a victim, if you really intend to take any action, in any direction. Talk to you next year, will you still be blaming your wife in 2016? This has gone on too long to be dissatisfied with the status quo.

Be daring - fight fire with fire. Change the voice mail message back to "this is the residence of Beretta and (name your wife)". See what she does - it'll be a real clue to her determination to keep her FIL there if she gets upset or mad or changes it again.

Beretta, i just want to say that in my world view, what your wife did is called a " microaggression". If you ask her about it, she'll say it mesns nothing. To her, perhaps not. But to you, yes. The fact that it means " nothing" to her does not invalidate your feeling of, well, rage.

Happy New Year, Beretta!

Thank-you. And Happy New Year to all out here.

we cross posted - I am glad you have made that decision, Beretta. In my view it can only help you and hopefully the other members of your family. Good luck to you and let us know how it goes. Wishing you a much better year in 2016. Prayers...

oops - Beretta - you must be feeing pretty bad about this and the whole situation. I would see this as another real put down and I am sorry that you are going through those. The sad thing is that I think you are the only one who can make any changes here. Of course change is scary and you do not know what direction your wife will go in response to you, if you make any changes.

The New Year starts tomorrow. To me she has made a clear statement as to where her loyalties lie and what her intentions are for the future without coming out and discussing it with you openly. The ball is now in your court.

One of the main suggestions I have received out here is to seek outside counselling. I now believe I will for myself to start. It is time to get some guidence. Thanks "GOLDEN23"--I was feeling that if I with some ideas from out here could handle it; now I am seeing that I require more.........Thanks to All!!

You don't need to worry - you need to do something about it. Whose house is this? Who is paying the mortgage? Who is doing most of the housework?

No, Beretta, you are not being petty or paranoid. Your wife is giving you yet another clear signal that her father is more important to her than you are. What are you going to do about it?

I think it means exactly what you felt it to mean. You keep talking yourself out of things your heart knows and is trying so hard to tell you. You put up your own barrier to progress (which is refusing to go to personal counseling) while promoting your head or your wife as the only ones with an answer. Solutions will not come from only waiting and hoping for the best.

Just a question of whether I am being petty/paranoid or do I need to worry?
I called home to leave a message, and my wife changed the voicemail where it had recorded "this is the residence of "FIL" full name, and then us. I know this is minor but why does it seem to bother me so much? I have not brought it up as of yet.

I am taking it a a positive sign. She is putting trust in her brother and myself to begin the tours. Once we find 3 that are promising, then we will see. But as she is not working during the holidays and will be home with FIL while I work, she will take on the majority of the care. Last time she was off, it was not so much fun and games. So one step at a time--but she does realize this has to happen, as I have called 2016 the year of moving forward--one way or another.

Sounds nice beretta. Is your wife's "listening and understanding" leading to agreeing? If not, then nothing has changed.

So quite the update: I found this agency on line. They have helped lead me to discover 3 places to check out. One is a Small retirement home of 30 residence specializing in memory care. I will be going to check it out after XMASS. And i discussed this openly and in detail with my wife.She is listening and understanding. So my calm approach of open dialogue seems to be working. Again my thanks to the advise givers out here for the help with my situation. If I found to be suitable, the next difficult step will be in deciding when. One step at a time---update to follow!

Thank-you for the posts and ideas that I can use. "Terry512" the 68 signifies by birthyear, and i am turning 48 next March. I agree with your "feeding each others needs" and you are right as how it affects me. Financially things are tight for now, until the new year will it gets better. "Anita" the boundries is a real good idea, something I can work on as well as my AL research. Once again thanks for the ideas and suggestions.

We have cared for my MIL since early October 2014. We moved her in w/us then. She had previosly lived alone for the former 10+ years after being widowed. We would visit her once a week, then my husband started staying over 1 night/wk, then it became 2 X/week for about 3 months while we prepped for her to move in here.

When we moved her here, we did not expect her to live past a few months due to her frail physical condition. However - with better nutrition and care she is still here 14 months later - and now moving into Memory Care AL next week. Her dementia has progressed quite a bit.

After a year, during which my husband - who has been a wonderful caring son to her - REFUSED to consider Adult Day Care or having an aide come in, resulting in us being UNable to go out together - because once she was here she didn't want to EVER be left alone and the 1st time we did for just an hour to do an errand, she was crying and upset when we returned - I put my foot down.

I told him he could move back to her home with her or I would move out, but I was unwilling for the situation to continue. I am still furious that he allowed a person with the mental acuity of a 2-yo to make decisions about our lifestyle! (Not her choice - HIS.) I also said and believe that she needs far more stimulation than we can or are willing to provide. Once I put my foot down, he began to start looking at NH and AL, and FINALLY (!!!) spoke with our next door neighbor who is an experienced care manager/cordinator at a local hospital (duh!). She is very knowledgeable about local facilities within a half-hour's drive. But he refused to speak with her until I threatened leaving.

After visiting half a dozen locations, we found an excellent one not too far away. So - we will soon be getting our lives back - but I don't know how much longer this would have continued if I hadn't insisted that things change and fast.

My advice? SET BOUNDARIES for yourself and your marriage.

Beretta; I think you have to ask your self what you want out of this marriage. You say you want to become her main focus? What does that look like?

You say you are doing all the housekeeping chores while she tends dad. How much care does he need? Enough that she's not able to split household chores with you? Enough that it impinge on your day to day activities and hers, leaving you both exhausted! Or is she simply wanting to spend time with her dad, and NOT with you?

The question is, does she want to remain married, is the marriage of value to her. Or is she seeking an excuse to withdraw.

This is why you need a therapist. Something is going on here that is unknowable by us, because you are not seeing what she's seeing. This has gone on as status quo for far too long. Maybe introduce her to this thread; I'd love to hear HER side of the story.