My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

Thanks "Garden Artist" she seems to be taking it all in, maybe a bit nervous for her dad, but as he is positive it helps her to see it as a good move for all. And as for celebrating, I thought about it but will keep things on the quiet and relaxing level--no need to go crazy. I want to take my wife away for a few days to "detox" and just enjoy time together again. One thing she mentioned is if this does not work my FIL will be coming back. Now all I said to that is do not be negative--but it will be a line in the sand then. I did not have much of a say originally, but absolutely do now. Thanks again.

Great news! How's your wife handling this stage?

There are some posts here about easing the transition for the move, if you need additional ideas on what to take, the day of the move, etc. I can't remember if I posted a link before and am too lazy to check my old messages.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/move-easy-for-dad-to-assisted-living-185662.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=AL+move%2c+easing+transition

Are you going out to celebrate after the move?

Went to the community for 2nd meeting, and signed up for FIL. Move in date March 24th! We all realize that fir him it is the quality of his journey to look forward to, and he will have it now. I find it very comforting to see just how positive my FIL is about this big change. Will be bringing him up to give him more exposure--a lunch here; card game there.......I believe that will build up more of a sense of familiarity so moving day won't me as big a shock.

Beretta, if your FIL falls again, in most places you can call the Fire Department to help him get back into bed. Just a thought.

Great. This is best for fil as well as you and your wife. When he gets in there often the admin advise that it is better for family to not visit for a few weeks to help him to adjust. You might want to check that out with the admin in advance so you can prepare your wife. It would be a good time for you to plan something with her for just the two of you.

Beretta, wonderful news, and it's so good to read of a positive resolution to what was a troubling situation.

Your keeping us informed has been very helpful not only to see a positive conclusion to an uncomfortable situation, but also because it's good insight into how some complicated situations take a few twists and turns before reaching a result that's positive and helpful for all.

Great news. Everyone is on board. We have my FIL on Reserve for this Awesome community for Mid-March! My explaining that we should not be worried about money in 6 years, but what is best for FIL! Once we explained to him he has perked right up, and cannot wait. I will be keeping a close eye on my wife as to her reactions up to/during and after the move. Just once again a huge thanks to all the advise from y'all!! You have shown me that working the issue through with care and thoughtfulness, not for myself but for all my family instead of raw emotion as you can defer from my early posts. I will update as we get closer.

"Abused" I do feel for your situation and am glad you are seeking outside living. My FIL is not being a narcissist-- but it is my wife trying to keep him happy, he is her dad. Sometimes I fell like a third wheel in my own home. But now as we prepare to have "THE" talk about my FIL moving out, I am insisting on it as he has seen how good and caring AL Facilities are--he deserves the chance to enjoy it. He has so many medical issues (dormant now) that he could last 6 years or 6 months--but he deserves it. Win/WIN as he gets to be happy, and so do I as my wife and I try to move forward in life as a couple again!

I'd suggest anyone dealing with a narcissist personality, read up on it, see a counselor if you need to, and set boundaries!!! Don't let anyone take over your life, with no regard for your feelings or well being.

Hoping this won't last forever!!! 😖
We talked to a social worker today (finally) and are making LTC arrangements for his dad, outside of our home.

"our lives have revolved around them for years." Then why have you stayed abusedcaregiver?

I'm in a similar situation, but it'sy husband's parents. Both parents are narcissists, and our lives have revolved around them for years. We started out with Home Heallth Care in 2012, which simply accommodated their sense of entitlement. One day they were driving themselves, shopping, cleaning and cooking (at least the MIL was, household duties are a women's job according to the FIL.) The MIL fell and went into rehab, then neither could do anything for themselves. Keep in mind the FIL did not fall.
Both are diabetic, and insist in three HOT cooked meals made to order daily. Both eat at different times. Both stopped doing anything for themselves, and started calling 911 for inappropriate things like getting unlisted phone numbers. They have the attitude that everyone should stop what they are doing to tend to their every whim. So social services got involved and said they could no longer live without 24/7 attendance. (We did hire home health from morning until bedtime, but the 2nd shift was promptly fired by the FIL and MIL because all they did was "sit on their asses.")
The MIL is now in rehab and the FIL is in our home. He has control of his bladder, but refused to get up to pee at night and refuses to use a urinal, leaving us to wash the pissy sheets, bed pads and clothes. He is NOT bedridden and walks with a walker, he has a powerlift chair yet yells for us to wait on him. He demands three full course meals a day when he wants them, and then complains about everything. He refuses to wear hind teeth or hearing aide, so we have to shout at him, snd he continously interrupts me, dominating any and all conversations and ignores common courtesies like flushing after he uses the bathroom (wastes water he says, but the extra laundry is perfectly okay.) He also won't let us leave the house unless we take him with us, or get a sitter. He is NOT senile nor does he suffer any memory loss. He is a controller.
My marriage is suffering immensely. My husband is so stressed that for my birthday, he got me a card that says "Happy Birthday Daughter." My husband is allowing the FIL and the unhousebroken dog he brought with him to rule out home. Normal people would never go into someone else's home and take over.
The bottom line is, your commitment is to your spouse first and foremost. Care can be provided for the parent without it ruining your lives. Talk to your spouse, and set boundaries. If that doesn't work, remember love is a two way street and you, too, deserve to be happy!

We will know after this weekend. Up early this AM as FIL slid off bed, and it took a while to get him up again. He is a big dude, bad knees, shortness of breath...but I did it. My wife there to guide, but with back/shoulder issues it was up to me. Once all back to normal, before I went back to bed I said this is a sign--I cannot take care of both of you and keep up this pace--we need to act. And she agreed. So family meeting this weekend to discuss and plan.

Which is your wife more worried about, her dad's happiness or her dad's money?

Your wife appears to have a significant anxiety problem. I would urge you to see that she gets some help with that.

Glad that FiL liked the ALs. Hope this moves forward!

Your FIL wants to move and your wife worries about his money. It is his money to spend on his own care. Who knows, before 5 years is up his health may need a higher level of care which medicaid could kick and cover if he qualifies.

Do people in his family tend to live very long like into their 90s?

At first I didn't see why everyone was so down on your wife wanting to take care of her aging father. But when you mentioned how much you take care of your wife, it reminded me of when my grandmother needed care. My mom took her to a nursing home and visited her everyday and arranged extra care for her because those places are always short staffed due to ratio regulations. She didn't bring her to live with us. Now that I am taking care of my mother I wonder why didn't she bring her mom home. But my Dad worked very hard to support mom and provide for all of us through our early 20s. Then he took care of my mom for years, doing cooking and laundry and grocery shopping. He told us that he wanted to because mom took such good care of him for so many decades. But he also sheltered us kids from knowing that mom was in some kind of decline. So I see that you can't do it all. You can't take care of yourself, your wife and your FIL. And you doing a good job of recognizing what you need and asking for it. Good luck finding the right balance for you and your family. They need your strength and clarity.

Thanks Angie. When he is out he can talk with anyone. We took him to a museum a year ago, and he was to tired to walk around he waited in the cafeteria for us, and when we returned to get him he had 10 people around him socializing! I reminded my wife of this experience, and just how the AL MGR was just taken with him. He needs to be out there in a community to enjoy and be himself. Thanks Angie for jogging my memory--this helps!

Beretta, You could always have your father-in-law move into a studio apartment at first. If he feels too crowded there, he could move up to a one bedroom unit (although there might be a wait for one to become available). My dad has a studio apartment (he is in the independent living section but assisted living and memory care also are available), and it's working out well for him. When he's in his apartment, he's usually reading or watching TV, neither of which requires much space. When he wants to spread out a bit (e.g., when he was working on a revision to his memoirs), he goes to one of the many nearby common areas, which has the bonus of giving him the opportunity to socialize with other residents. You might find that a studio apartment gives your father-in-law all the space he needs.

At the beginning of this journey I was angry at having my life put on hold, but have come to the realization that it was the right thing to do. I believe my FIL appreciates all we have done, but after seeing what awaits him he is looking forward to the change. It does bother me that it takes my FIL to get through to her more than I have--and we will address that after this is done. Also again much appreciation to all out here as your ideas and suggestions have helped me take this down the proper road in approaching this, with my heart as well as my head.

Thanks for the update - what a surprise to learn that your FIL is now the one pushing for the change! At least now you're discussing the details of a place rather than the issue of one or to remain in your home.

I'm hoping you're feeling a well deserved sense of relief at this progress.

So the tour was excellent. Both my wife and FIL were blown away. Smooth sailing? Not yet! Now it is the price of a 1 bdrm of $3900 that troubles my wife. He will be out of money in less than 5 yrs. So I suggested a studio, which is 800 less. She balks, I respond. So I have 2 more places to tour while I wait for her to decide. She wanted to wait until the summer, but my FIL surprised us again by saying he wants to go by his 80th Bday (May). I still feel that my wife is scared to let go, but my FIL is convincing her the more they talk. I am giving it till end of Feb for a decision, but she knows I want this done. Her Brother will help me with that as he wants him to enjoy life again before time takes it's toll.

How did you work out being able to pay for the assisted living? I am wondering because you told us before that you were working and covering all of the current expenses in your home and FIL was not actually contributing financially to any significant degree.

Beretta; Glad to hear things are moving along. Curious about who suggested "keeping an eye" on your wife if this moves forward? Family member? Does your wife have a history of depression/anxiety? Can you let her know that getting treatment for those issues shows strength and not weakness? So much misinformation and fear out there about going to see "a shrink". Best move I ever made. Thought I understood myself. I didn't.

Thx for the update, beretta. Glad to see you sounding so positive. This journey has been so up and down with more downs than ups from what I could see -mainly from your wife's difficulties letting go of her father. It would be a blessing if your fil takes over the helm, so to speak, because he sees benefit for himself in a move. Less of a blessing would be that his health demands a move, but that would be a good dose of reality for all. Your wife may well experience a depression when her father moves as she has been so enmeshed with him. It is good you have been alerted to that and will be watchful. Help is available for that of she needs it. Continued wishes for a smooth transition and kudos for getting this far.

Sorry: To clarify this is another AL place I reciently toured, as with his circulation getting a bit worse we just cannot wait 9 months. I have been told to keep an eye on my wife leading up to the move, whenever it will be and her afterwords--just like the responses and advise I have received out here.
once again this forum speaks from experience, and it is much appreciated--making this journey that much easier to handle!

"Golden"--It is not a matter of if but when. I am taking my wife and FIL on their tour of an amazing AL community tomorrow. I have a possitive feeling on this as when I got home from work yesterday, my wife and FIL told me how he found the AL's monthly activity calander--and he and my wife went over it and how excited he was--could not stop going on about it. And my wife is freeling discussing now. I asked her how she is with this--and it is a big step; while she is still worried just seeing how positive her dad is has a calming effect. I will report back next week as to the outcome.

quite right, cmag and vikki. Much can go wrong yet.

I do agree that counselling is very important for you, beretta, now and the two of you once fil has moved - if he does.

After he moves, what will you do if your wife decides to spend all of her spare time over there with her dad? I do think you two need some marriage counseling.

Ummm. Nine months? With the option to back out at any time? It sounds like a great place, a true life care community, and the only caveat would be to continue with counseling and/or marriage enrichment options for you and his daughter/your wife to begin rebuilding your relationship and having some security that this is not just a plan to kick the can down the road a ways.