My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

Great. This is best for fil as well as you and your wife. When he gets in there often the admin advise that it is better for family to not visit for a few weeks to help him to adjust. You might want to check that out with the admin in advance so you can prepare your wife. It would be a good time for you to plan something with her for just the two of you.

Beretta, if your FIL falls again, in most places you can call the Fire Department to help him get back into bed. Just a thought.

Went to the community for 2nd meeting, and signed up for FIL. Move in date March 24th! We all realize that fir him it is the quality of his journey to look forward to, and he will have it now. I find it very comforting to see just how positive my FIL is about this big change. Will be bringing him up to give him more exposure--a lunch here; card game there.......I believe that will build up more of a sense of familiarity so moving day won't me as big a shock.

Great news! How's your wife handling this stage?

There are some posts here about easing the transition for the move, if you need additional ideas on what to take, the day of the move, etc. I can't remember if I posted a link before and am too lazy to check my old messages.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/move-easy-for-dad-to-assisted-living-185662.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=AL+move%2c+easing+transition

Are you going out to celebrate after the move?

Thanks "Garden Artist" she seems to be taking it all in, maybe a bit nervous for her dad, but as he is positive it helps her to see it as a good move for all. And as for celebrating, I thought about it but will keep things on the quiet and relaxing level--no need to go crazy. I want to take my wife away for a few days to "detox" and just enjoy time together again. One thing she mentioned is if this does not work my FIL will be coming back. Now all I said to that is do not be negative--but it will be a line in the sand then. I did not have much of a say originally, but absolutely do now. Thanks again.

Sounds good so far. I hope this few days away will truly be some"us" time for the two of you. It may feel awkward at first since ya'll have not been "us" for some time, but you deserve "us" time without talking about her dad. She owes you big time since you have been so overwhelmingly patient with her to the point that I don't think many people would go to. If she takes off talking about her dad, you need to remind her that this is "us" time. Good luck. I still think ya'll need couple therapy for your marriage.

2 weeks away from the move. Not only is FIL staying positive, my wife has been out shopping for items for his new residence--all by herself!! I take this as a big plus. I also will be booking a surprise weekend away come April--all she knows is were going "out" for dinner, but I will pack for us! Keep positive is the way to be. I will still keep my eye on her for any signs of depression, but Forward we go.

Best update yet.

start swinging that bone like a baseball bat . im not just being derrogatory . many years ago my ex lost interest in me and we were seperated forever in a matter of three weeks . its right on the police report ; wife lost interest , husband exited via the roof ..

i can cook ..
just sayin ..

The first time something happens at the NH and/or he doesn't get his way, he may start complaining and wanting to come home again. Before this happens, explain to her that in the beginning, getting settled is something he will need to get used to and there will be an adjustment period. He may complain but don't jump in and try to rescue him right away. It has to be a legitimate complaint that can't be fixed before he comes back. She should be told he needs to stay and get used to the place before she runs to his rescue again. There will be an adjustment period for her too but it will pass. If she goes to get him anyway even over your objections, if I were you, I would pack my bags and head out the door as he's coming in because you've lost your place in the family and need to move on. Good luck on your new venture.

Beretta, thanks again for sharing the wonderful news and progress. Looking back to when you first posted, I'm sure it seems you've come a long way, on a challenging journey, but you're close to your destination now.

Thanks for sharing your very personal story, and providing hope and encouragement to others facing similar situations.

Thanks all. "Terry512" my wife has made hints that if this doesn't work he might return. I addressed that by pointing out that our home cannot support him as his mobility gets worse-that was the big point for him TO move. But I also made it clear that I am done caregiving for him at our Home, but will be there if my FIL needs us of course. I also have my parents to keep in mind as well. but yes I am ready to make it clear if that times does happen with her.

Beretta, I'm confused. I checked Terry512's profile to see what she had written about this situation and found this in her background description:

" I also took care of my elderly father for 9 years until he passed when he didn't want to live by himself after my mother passed away."

https://www.agingcare.com/Members/Terry512

So this Terry512 can't be your wife, right? What am I missing or confusing?

no she is not. just a nice person offering advice that I answered back to.

beretta68,

I really wonder what is going on with your wife wanting to be such an overprotective daughter to the point of ignoring you? At this point, I think I'd say, enough is enough, if he comes back home, I am gone. What need is she trying to meet by this over attachment?

You wife is still very ambivalent about the plan. It's guilt. False guilt manisfesting as an overblown loyalty and misplaced priority. Don't cater to it or cave in to it. Are you two in some counseling? Terry512 is right, but is that something you can talk about with her, or do you need a third party to say it instead or in addition for it to sink in?

Beretta, i hope after you get back from your vacation, you further surprise your wife with the gift of going to couples therapy. These caregiving years are tough on marriages; yours is in some dangerous shoals right now.

You and your wife need to get some mutual understanding and agreement about what your responsibilities and roles are vis a vis all of your parents as they age.

What I've noticed over time is that "kids" who've had the worst childhoods seem to be in the forefront of those who feel that they MUST give up their lives to do hands on care for their parents. Maybe they are still looking for love, or validation from that parent. I'm no expert.

What i do see is that your wife has some misplaced and frankly wildly inappropriate ideas on this that are eroding your marriage. Damage has been done. You deserve for it to be repaired.

Well I think we are all hoping for you will have a fairy tale ending and all will work out for the better.

1 week away now. And as a further update, I rec'd a text from my wife with just a 7. I said huh? And she meant 7 days--now she is counting down! I got home, and FIL says 7 days to go. I am staying quiet, but enjoying the positivity. Let us see in 7 days after all is said and done before I get "Giddy"

It has been an extraordinarily long road for you all and I truly pray this all works out and that your relationship will be rehabilitated and thrive once dad has moved. Kudos to you for having the guts to stick this out and persevere through it.

DITTO to what JB said above!!!

I do hope this goes well and very soon after the transition that you and your wife will get some marriage counseling for your bigger journey is not over yet.

HI Beretta,
I wish you luck with getting your FIL in an AL and KEEPING him there. Things are looking much more positive than in your original post. I hope your wife doesn't try to undermine his stay by finding fault and bringing him back to your home.
Now to all the posters;
What great advise you've given beretta over the past 7 months! However, I don't think you're picking up on the clues in his replies. This gentleman doesn't WANT to go to therapy. Why? Who knows. Maybe because only "crazy" people go to therapists, maybe he had a bad experience with one, maybe he doesn't want "other issues" resurrected, maybe he can't afford it. For whatever reason, it's not going to happen. Better to drop it.
It's also obvious that he's never going to walk out on her. A man with that much "patience" would never think of abandoning his wife. I'd give that one up too.
The suggestion for a housekeeper was good, but, as far as I can see, he only used one once.
The cousin sounded promising but nothing came of that and he didn't seem to persue it any farther.
Maybe all beretta was looking for was sympathy/empathy. He found it here and has a sense of belonging and acceptance now. (Something he didn't have with his wife in September.) We were an outlet for him and maybe that's all he needed. Even though WE think he should have been more aggressive, that doesn't seem to be who he is and fit his personality. I'm sure all the advice was appreciated but it has to "fit" the person's style.
It's been frustrating to read the "set-backs" for him, but he had to play it as HE sees it. We can be there when the going gets tough(er). We can pray and send positive thoughts to him.
I'm sure I'm going to take some "heat" for my opinion, but that's how I see it. Just my 2 pesos.

Thanklessjob, hey, your opinion is just good as anyone else's. I think you have some good points, we all want the best for him and his wife. What I love about this site is, this forum presents all sides, experiences, and knowledge, and everything I have seen is given in love. Then we can take what we need at the moment.

The end of the journey. My FIL is now in his new residence going on 4 days. We have also re-set up our home back to where it was. My wife is doing ok for now, a bit depressed at times, but all-in-all better than I thought. We are experiencing the "What-Now's?" as in not quite knowing what to do with ourselves. But day to day we will handle it. I am now going to work on my home as I was beginning to when all his started. will touch base once in a while to catch up. All I can say to everyone out here is the comments and suggestions, especially when I felt my most low, whatever they were I read them all, and helped me through this experience more than you realize, and for that I will always be appreciative!!!

Interesting thread. Does anyone know how it all worked out in the end?
Everyone in different, some people feel a strong love or maybe obligation to care for a parent and others feel as my family does - there is always another option which would be better for both the parent and child. Maybe it depends on how close the family was in the first place.
This is my second marriage and to my spouse Mom is not family and they are not close. He said he would never live with her and it would be the end of our marriage, and I respect that. Over the past 20 years, she has been difficult even from afar. As an only child, he was responsible for both his parents until they died. I never would have disrupted and put our marriage at risk bringing Mom here. There were other choices which worked out better for both Mom and our marriage.
To me, Beretta is a saint to have taken second place for so long.

Beretta: so happy to see it all worked out for you. After your FIL adjusts to the AL, he will have a more fulfilling life. The AL where my mother lived for 8 years is really amazing. She had friends and shared common interests, and lots and lots of activities. In other words, she had opportunities that she never would have had living with us, having us plan her entertainment.
In fact, my sister lost her husband this year. She is in the process of selling her house and moving to the same place Mom was in. She is excited about the social life and making friends.
Best of luck to you! Enjoy your life while your FIL enjoys his.

My suggestion for the "What-Now's?" is to go out on dates like you two use to do and have some fun just being the two of you.

Update. It has now been 5 weeks. My FIL is happy and enjoying. My wife and I are focusing on "us" time. I have turned house and back yard into our weekend projects now. Takes the focus off the FIL and to what we used to do together.
So far So good! We have not cut him out, as we go see him once a week--my wife goes twice. And now planning for his 80th at the Village with a lunch party.
So I ask myself now after reflection, "Would I do this again?" it would be hard to say yes, as I found it the most draining part of my life, but also rewarding knowing it was for the right reasons at the time. Best advice I could give to new comers thinking about caregiving is PLAN AHEAD and cover your bases! Jumping in with your heart but with no planning will lead to lots of frustration and issues. Think first with family and have a plan!! And once again to all who helped me out here with your advise, a huge thanks!!!!!!!!!