My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

beretta68,

Good luck!

From your description is sounds like the doctor situation with who all works there and is seen there that it is an unhealthy dynamic of too much familiarity within the extended family that just should not be. This may explain both her shutting down on you and some of your hesitation is being more proactive before now, yet still hesitating some.

I can tell you are not open to this idea, but seeing a therapist for yourself would very likely help you deal with this via some professional guidance. Seeing a therapist does not mean that you are week or mentally ill like some think it does. It more often than not means you are stuck and can't figure out how to get out or get things untangled. Please reconsider and see a therapist even if this weekend goes well. There's a lot going on here that one talk with the wifey about her daddy is not going to resolve. Good luck!

Beretta, I hope this weekend goes well.

That being said, it sounds like there is an awful lot of enmeshed going on in both families. A little therapy for you, some couples counseling for you and your wife would be well worth the time and expense. Something to think about.

Marriage can be long years of smooth sailing interrupted by severe squalls. These storms arise in times of stress, illness, caregiving and other crises. Think of therapy as a life preserver. You always need to be wearing it when you're at sea.

My hackles really went up when I read that your mother told you about the doctor/employee discussion, which should have been COMPLETELY confidential between the doctor as employer and your wife as employee.

This kind of personal counseling is no one's business but the two parties involved, and perhaps an office manager if there is one.

I'm wondering how your mother learned of this? If the doctor confided in her, he was out of line as well.

Perhaps this is one reason your wife is reluctant to make decisions, especially if her MIL is involving herself in your marital affairs. That would really tick me off. If the doctor was unprofessional enough to discuss it, then that certainly reflects poorly on him as well.

Perhaps your wife would even be more comfortable working for a doctor where employer/employee confidentiality actually exists.

Another possibility is even worse - that your mother tipped the doctor off to the conflict and the doctor decided to intervene.

Well...your wife is having an emotionally devastating time of it staring her father's decline in the face, and denial and postponement is a pretty common coping mechanism under the circumstances. Maybe some of the heart to heart conversation you have with her needs to be about how awful it is to watch parents lose their health. Start with what it is like for you and YOUR dad with the cancer. Take tissues - a BIG box. Or two.

Yes, technically it's a HIPAA violation to have shared as they did - but they maybe were kind of tricked into it by Mom/MIL, and you have to consider that she is even more stressed and distressed than she lets on to you and they are all worried sick about her. She may be defending herself against the still-intolerable idea that her Dad isn't going to get any better, which entails hiding from you to some degree how hard it really is, because you want her to face facts and do something that is better for all involved that she does not feel ready for. She may be better able to face facts if she can open up feelings first. And, you could always encourage her to write to us here about that.

Is her mom still living? I'm guessing either not, or not involved...

11 months is a long time for one directly involved to still be drowning in the river of de-Nile. She reminds me of my step-dad who was in denial of how bad off mom was and how much help she plus even himself needed.

Sometimes people drown despite all of the boats that come by, helicopters that hover over with a ladder or life preservers that are dropped. When they come up and need to be dragged out of the river, they are often angry because no one helped them, but people had been trying to help them all along.

The intensity of de-Nile, I wonder if along with not being able to deal with the decline is a deeper fear of not being able to conceive of life without her daddy? Who knows, but she's drowning and your frustrated and worn out in many ways, but now your dad needs help and that will involve you in that.

Good luck and keep your own life vest on in wading out into the river of de-Nile where she's drowning. I hope you can reach her. If not, maybe she would listen to someone else.

No on the doctor telling My mom (His RN), she just happen to overhear the conversation while on her way out for Lunch. This DR would not specifically tell her as it is between my wife and him. I have no idea what was said, I just am waiting to see whether it hit home with my wife or not. But she is more open to some limited discussion on AL for my FIL. So at least there is a break in the wall about it. I consider that progress...............

Beretta, there is no excuse for an employer raising personal issues such as those discussed with your wife, and overheard by your mother. Granted, professionals w/o HR departments don't always have the best employer approaches, but I think it was extremely tactful and inconsiderate to raise the issue with your wife in such a manner than the door was open (presumably) and anyone walking by could have heard the conversation.

Honestly, I think your wife was justified if she was annoyed, and especially at your mother for sharing what should have been a privileged discussion with you.

I'm glad there is some progress. However, if I were your wife, your mother would not be on my list of favorite people and I would be tempted to tell her to mind her own business. And perhaps that's why your wife had been resistant to your efforts for some time. She might consider your mother a meddler and direct her resentment toward you.

So as I told my mother what conversation took place is between the DR and my wife, so please drop it--which is what has been done. I will see what my wife and how or if she talks to me, as she is off for 2 wks while DR is away on vacation. She will be home with FIL during this time, as I wirk all week. So far so good, but She has growled at me about going on a year and she has not had a break from him. I tell her to go out once in a while, while I am home but she does not. What worries me is how she will direct her stress, as it is rough to see she is on one hand happy her dad lives with us, then in the next breath says how tired she is and needs a break from him. Will be interesting next couple weeks. Will post any happenings..........

As other have suggested, working to build trust between you and your wife so she feels safe enough to share her deepest fears, thoughts etc. with you is very important. Sometimes all a person - especially a woman - needs is to be heard. Perhaps look up some communication skills online and differences in communication between men and women. Women need first of all to be heard, and not necessarily have the problem "fixed". If you try to offer a solution too quickly it may cut off further communication as she may feel you are not listening to her. Try drawing her out more when she growls about having her dad for a year. Just say you understand that it is hard and you understand that she has conflicting feelings about helping him and needing a break. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. The two of you need to work out the solutions together. Share your fears with her too. Communication is key here and working together as a team. Rather than telling her to take time off, perhaps ask her if taking time off while you are at home would help her. That gives her a chance to talk about her feelings about leaving her dad alone with someone else. Good luck.

so last night my Wife and I had a nice open and rational talk about my FIL and AL. She is scared but now is realizing that we all need to look to the future and move forward. She told me while she has been off her and FIL have talked about it. He is more open to the AL idea then she thought, as my FIL does
understand it is some opportunuty for more activity than he has now. So i will now continue to investigate 3-4 places I like, and we will bring him up to one for a tour in the next few weeks. All this progress from my question to her "Are you scared and how can I help?" Again thanks to all these great post and suggestions I have taken in and used in my home. Will update soon.......

Sounds like an overprotective daughter who assumes she knows what her dad wants without asking him and wants to be like a hellocopter while saying she's tired but doesn't want hired or free help which is pride. I don't listen to such growling. It appears to me that you have been opened to listening but she's the one who has shut you out which to me is pride mixed with fear. I'm glad she's now talking, but I wouldn't beat myself up over it. She chose to shut down and cut you off. She may at some point benefit from some counseling or even the two of you together if this shut down, cut iff style of handling stress has been ongoing.

Babalou, oh, I don't know, I worked as a Medical Assistant for a Family Practice for 15 years, 6 years for one Doc, and 9 years for the last one, and you do get close to your work partner/Dr. in my experience. I would definitely share my life experiences and he with me, and I think it's especially nice that she was able to open up to someone who is wise to the situation, as I'm sure that he has certtainly del with the situation before and probably knows very well just how much stress she is under, and it quite possibly is affecting her work performance. I would let her some time to digest the information, then bring it up, but ttoday I see that you two are having some time together soon, and hopefully she will shortly come to terms with it. I wish you good luck! I've has my FIL in my home for 11 years, I'm still trying to figure it all out! It's not easy, and everyone's circumstances are different and difficult! Ugg!

Stacey, I think you may have misunderstood my meaning. I said that it seemed that the wife had no privacy in her conversation with the Doctor, that her MIL overheard it and reported it back to her son.

I've had wonderful, mentoring relationships with some of my bosses, especially when I was young. I would have been appalled if other employees were overhearing me talk about my private concerns and reporting what I said to others.

Beretta, I'm curious what part of Assisted Living scares your wife? You don't need to answer, it just seems like a curious emotion to attribute to oneself in this situation.

Good question, Babalou and one we don't need to know the answer to, but Beretta would be helped by finding this out for himself and for his wife for if she can share this with her husband instead of being all alone in it, then they will feel closer together even without getting anything fixed. Building off of that, I would ask is the fear a fear of assisted living or a fear that the assisted living may lead him to die sooner which she might have been thinking she could prevent all by herself by doing the caregiving basically all by herself on her own, but then complaining about needing help when she has refused help?

Is she afraid of facing life once her dad dies? Is she displacing this fear to the assisted living to avoid that fear she she's really got about a fear of eventually loosing dad?

An interesting emotion, this fear is, although FIL sounds like he's open to go for more variety and activity that assisted living provides. The same person every day all day with nothing else to do does get boring after some time. She's not going to be able to fix or resolve her fears by being controlling and isolating towards others while over protecting and hovering over her dad. That's really not treating him with much respect nor as a fellow adult. Since he has expressed interest in going to an assisted living for all the right reasons, then his desire should be respected and it will meet more of his needs to live life as much as he can now although him going there might not meet her needs. In my opinion keeping an older adult overprotected does no more good than keeping a child over protected but for different reasons. Who knows, but he may be more like my dad who has prepared for, face the reality of and gone into his phase in life very realistically almost to a fault. I think at some point FIL will need to be brought into this discussion and have his feelings validated and his request honored. Sorry folks, but more and more FIL is sounding like a kept man being over protected like a child. That's insulting to me anyhow.

Beretta - sounds like you are making progress on the communication front. That's great and that fil sees that there are some benefits to being in an ALF. Looking like you are heading into a win-win where fil will be moving, communication between you and your wife s better, she is expressing her feelings, and you are working as a team.

Fear keeps so many people stuck. I'm not talking about the fight or flight response which is healthy and protective but phobias, which are intense and irrational fears. There are specific fears (this woman's fear of AL), social fears (which may be what this woman fears about AL that she'll have to meet new people), and agoraphobia (which also may be this woman's fear about AL and not being able to escape it). I think Babalou's question is a good one. Did this woman see something traumatic in a nursing home/senior home? Did this pop up randomly? Women are more likely than men to have phobias. If she doesn't address her fear and try to overcome it she will be ruled by it. Your wife sounds a little like my FIL who is overprotective of his wife and that is not good for any of you especially as your FIL needs more professional help. I applaud you researching AL and encourage you to start touring some places on your own if that's possible even if it's just to get out of the house. I wish you lots of luck!

So we are going to celebrate Thanksgiving this Sat (In Canada it is in October). Sunday it is my wife and my anniversary. She made arrangements for FIL to go off with her brother and girlfriends kids to give us some much needed time away from him. Now as great as that is, I am thinking about bringing up AL again, during our time alone. Saying "I know you love having him here, but your next breath saying you have not had a break in 365 days": I need her to make a choice for the future. Not a ME OR HIM scenerio but just a committment to go forward with his AL plans. For me something needs to give, as my finances are dwindling, back to paycheck to paycheck and we cannot keep this up. Any advise? I will respond back next week with updates..........

Are finances an issue because your wife is not working as much as she would be if fil wasn't in your home? I tske it there is no rent being paid by him or caregiving money being paid to your wife?

You might want to frame this as a financial question; how are we going to be able to retire if we're not building up funds for OUR old age.

Since wife brought up " scared as an emotion" have you asked her exactly what her fears are about?

My FIL pays for groceries and his Lifeline alert unit; where I cover all else. She once told me she is scared about feeling guilty if anything happened to him inside of AL or a nursing home. It is difficult to re-assure her as something could happen just as easy at home, especially when we are both out working. She thinks with her heart where I try to think with heart AND mind, am am more realistic about things. I have said that yes he is good now, both mind and health being good--but I know that something WILL happen--it's life and it sucks, but we need to be ready for it; and at least in AL there will be help there. To be fair neither of us has ever faced this with a loved one, so were going on instinct mostly. This is why I really appreciate the replies i get which have helped SO much.

I wonder how you are planning to pay for assisted living? Also, o the question of fearing that things may go bad in AL, thats kind of a legitimate fear not a phobia, and then she might feel guilty about having him there or feel just as much need to be at his side all the time. How does this proposed move help financially for you as a couple? I would just be glad that her fear is not about facing a bad marriage with no other distraction she can use to avoid the terrible issue of breakdown in the marriage.

My FIL sold his house last year, and after paying off debts the balance is in an account set up to cover his AL/Nursing home costs once he goes in.

Beretta; Elderly people with dementia fall all the time. At home. In nursing homes and ALs. With aides in the room. My mother fell with two aides in the room (documented). When I mentioned this at the hospital where she was having hip surgery, one of the nurses patted my arm and said, "sweetheart, my mom broke her hip with THREE RNs in the room and one of them was ME. She was just standing there and her hip spontaneously fractured from osteoporosis". Being extremely old and having dementia is sad, and bad for one's long term health. I guess the alternative is dying younger.

The good thing is that your FIL will probably have more distractions and more of a social life. The other reason to get him to AL NOW is that he'll adjust more easily the more cognitive skills he has. Trying to transition someone with more advanced dementia into an AL often causes a steep and sudden decline.

I'm sorry that you are still facing this issue. It may be that FIL doesn't leave, that your wife can't face it, or that he tries it and hates it and your wife can't/won't wait out the adjustment period. I think you need both plan A and plan B in this case. If he ends up staying, you need to figure out the resources that you will use to hire in home respite so that your marriage doesn't suffer. That way you'll have something to look forward to each week.

Well we had our anniversary on sunday, and my wife's brother took FIL for the afternoon. Had a nice drive in the country and dinner. But at the end before he got home she said she missed him, looked at me and i blurted out I did not, and could get used to the place all ours again. She did aggree with that but said it just did not feel right without FIL there. Wow. Now I feel were sliding backwords.
So my plan is to give it a few weeks, and then bring up the AL topic, but with more conviction. I almost feel like she is waiting for something to happen; medical or accidental--before she will react. Am I to gain anything by being more demanding that we make plans for the future? I do not want to aggrivate the situation, but when one IS aggrivated what can one DO?

Wow. Just wow. I will reiterate that you and DW really need to go see a professional therapist.

Honestly, I think this is going to be the infamous Russian type of progress: 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward (or is it 2 steps forward and one step backward?). Your wife really seems intransigent on this subject, and either can't or won't make a decision.

I'm wondering if she'd be any more likely to think clearly if faced with some very drastic choices, such as he goes or you go, not that I would suggest threatening but this clearly has gone on a long time without any resolution.

I am sad for you. It does sound like you are not a priority for her. You pay for everything, you just keep going on and on, you don't use his money to give either of you some relief, you are living paycheck to paycheck. This is not healthy. You really should go see a counselor and figure out why you are doing this. I feel sure you want your marriage not to fall apart, so you do have to fix yourself. A doormat is not a great partner for almost anyone.

Sorry, but the wife's comment at the end of an anniversary celebration is pure sick! Makes me wonder who wifey is emotionally closer to? Husband or daddy?

Past time for therapy for this crisis! Get at least yourself into therapy now!
Make that call in the morning from work!

Do you have a place to stay for 3 days-1 week? Raise your priority quotient with your wife by walking out. Once you have her attention she will listen to you.

This is called tough love, necessary because she is hurting you.

Maybe you are feeling guilty, Bereta? What is it that you might be guilty about, because guilt can cause you to not take action. That is what a therapist is for.

After a time of complaining, perhaps you wouldn't feel guilty about moving on to another relationship, because, after all, who could blame you? After all this time?

Seek therapy.