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Oh my gosh, I sure hope not. I am hoping that the next generation after our elderly parents are taking notes because retirement and slowing down seems to be coming at us at a fast clip.

At 68 years old, I know I am not quite ready for a retirement village this year even though they look very inviting. Currently I can hire people to do the yard work, do repair work, and cleaning people as I am becoming lazy because I am too tired physically and emotionally dealing with my aging parents who still live in their own 3 story single family home.

I know I want to be around people of my own generation, not stuck in a neighborhood as nice as it is with nothing in common with my neighbors.... I don't want my neighbors to feel they have to watch over me when it snows and feel they have to shovel my driveway, or bring up my newspaper, or bring up my rubbish barrel.... I don't want to depend on others to get my groceries, or take me to my doctor appointments, or take me shopping, etc.... and I don't want to feel alone if my mate should become ill and is no longer at home.

I am so glad I have been fugal all my life, started saving money when I was 5 years old and had my own saving account. I plan to find the best possible retirement community that money can buy and enjoy my life. Not be an emotional burden on others. I have learn so much what NOT to do from my parents.

Today I gave my parents a booklet on a 5-star retirement community that I know they can afford. Dad said that will be good in case they need to move in the next couple of years.... HELLO... you are 92 and 96..... move in while you can enjoy everything the place has to offer. And maybe for once I would get a good night sleep instead of laying away worrying about them.

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I am my mother's daughter, but I am trying and mostly succeeding in living differently! Mostly, not blaming, not having to be perfect or appear perfect, giving and receiving forgiveness, showing physical affection, being physically active, and not eating crap! If I can stay non-diabetic I have a chance of avoiding vascular dementia...if not, God's grace will have to be enough for me :-)
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I am not my mother.
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Yes, FF, indeed....the difference a year makes! My Mom, also a member of your parents' very elderly age group (94, moderate dementia) is now, for exactly 1 year, healthy, stable and content (though now wheelchair bound after her own series of catastrophic falls, breaks, surgeries, rehabs, etc.) in a lovely ALF. I never even saw your original post last year becuz I was in the middle of total craziness trying to deal w/Mom's last (said while crossing my fingers) catastrophic fall, break, surgery, rehab nightmare. It happened the very night I returned home (I'm 1800 miles away from her....she's lived in SW FL for almost 30 years) after spending 2 wonderful weeks w/her over Mother's Day.....May, 2014.....I'll never forget the call I made to tell her I'd returned home safely and had such a wonderful time w/her and her good friends....only to be told "the ambulance has just left".....well, 4 months of hell later (dehydration, antibiotic-resistant UTI's, hospitalizations, a d*mn blood clot in her good leg, etc) and she was finally healthy again and settled in this lovely, small ALF I found thru the local ALZ org. She has been happy and very healthy there for 1 year now, so.....I guess you and I are on opposite trajectories over this past year. At least I only had 1 parent to deal with....oh, God Bless you.....dealing w/both....over 90! I just hope you, like me, will come thru this #1. Yourself OK and #2. Your parents OK and as content as possible w/their age and ailments. Finally, Mincemeat is right....good advice.....best of luck to you!
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Dear FF: Good reflection! But do not dwell on the "would have, could have, should have". You have given and done the best you could have with such stalwart personalities!!! Stop worrying....you have it handled.....and have a GREAT DAY!!
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What a difference a year makes from when I last posted on this thread. As of last month Mom is now bedridden in long-term-care hospice watch and Dad is still in their home now with 24-hour caregivers. Yikes, talk about expensive.

Now Dad is asking about Assisted Living, something that he and Mom should have considered a few years ago.... I really bet that my Mom would be still up and about if they had moved... instead it was her idea to keep living in that big house, had a major fall because she was too exhausted trying to be the housewife [97] yet refused anyone to come in to help be it caregivers or cleaning crews.... [sigh]
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I finally got my parents into the Elder Law attorney this week, Trusts are so complex and very time consuming, it can take months to complete, I just hope my parents live long enough to sign all the documents :P

My parents have a Will but it is 12 years old, and would be a probate nightmare
because on how it is written.

I am so glad that my sig other and I are already in the process of having our Trusts, POA's, yada, yada, yada, worked on and we can't wait to finally sign on the dotted line. He's hoping he doesn't kick the bucket before hand as he would be spinning in his grave if the old Will was used, a lot has changed since then.
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thx pam - as sig other says "It is what it is". I come from a long lived family so have to plan for that and to make the best of it. I watch my diet, get exercise as I can, and stay involved, try new things etc. I think the habits of a lifetime really show as you age. One aunt died at 97, as kind, thoughtful and good humoured as she always was. She was a great role model. She kept up with the news so she always had something to discuss with visitors. I have known a number of aged people like that. Then there is my mother who is physically very well, has had lifelong mental illness and a negative, complaining attitude which is not getting any better with dementia.

Just because you have a pain you don't have to be a pain. Sig other's mother (she is late 80s - he is younger than me) doesn't talk about her infirmities. She says she feels better if she doesn't. I'm still listening and learning,

judda - I think choice has a lot to do with it. However, if you (in general not you particularly) get a disease like dementia or Alz unfortunately some bad behaviours go with it. God spare us!
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I have vowed to develop a more positive attitude, not complain and be more and more aware and kind to others. I have learned how one person can uplift many and one person can ruin people's lives or at least bring them down. I will will myself to be sweeter and kinder under all conditions and do my best to take care of myself. This way, I am hoping I'll be nice old lady when my time comes.
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Wow Emjo! Way to go, I hope I have your energy and attitude when I am your age!
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Freqflyer, 100's of miles even 1000's of miles does not do the trick! LOL , Alas , I have become a frequent flyer myself trying to help out my sis when needed while taking care of FIL in my home some 1600 miles away. Not pretty, though I do enjoy having the tv service on Jet Blue for 3 whole hours with no interruption each way, lol! The small things...
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pam - my mother is102 and I am 77 as of yesterday. I get tired at times too, but life goes on anyway, and I perk up for a while. Might as well enjoy the ride as much as possible.
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YES, 20-30 YEARS I WILL BE DEAD TOO. Didn't read post only the topic. Will be like our parents 20-30- years.....
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I know, I have a CG to help out with the running around.. when Mom lets her! She gripes about the .47 a mile...LOL I had 8 days off. should have been relaxing but by day 5 I was soo ready to go back to my job at the hospital. It's the only place I don't stress, and I have a high stress job. That tells you something!
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pamzimmrrt, I am 68 and still working but the reason I am working is for my sanity. Work keeps me focused on something else besides my parents. Plus it makes a great excuse for not driving my parents to more places.... "sorry, I can't get off work".

Freq Flyer
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Oh Fred, I hear you. My parents were traveling to China and Russia just 10 years ago... When I was prego my mom had just retired and stayed with me as my hubs traveled 2 weeks a month. I never see this happening with me. I am lucky that my folks have plenty of money and investments at THIS time, but I worry it won;t last . My Mom has only one sister left, and Dad is an only child like I am. And the In Laws are 91 and 89. Thank God Hubs has a brother.. I am not taking on another set of folks..LOL I had a great childhood, but my retirement is not looking so great! And like my parents, I want to leave something to make my daughters life easier. But at 56 I still owe tons on the mortgage on Housezilla... bought to take care of folks. Thankfully the houseing market is going back up here... and we got this place at a steal... but it will no longer fund our retirement at the current rate... I'll be working until I am 70...
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1tired, you're right, when is it OUR TURN to enjoy retirement??

My parents never took care of their aging parents so my parents have zero idea what I am going through. My parents had siblings and their spouses, and dozens of grown nieces and nephews back in their respected home towns that did all that work. My parents probably sent money to help out.

I am resentful that when my parents were my age they were having a grand retirement and enjoying every minute without a care in the world...... and here I am, an only child with no children, putting a hold on my retirement. I live in the same city as my parents. Guess the secret is to live hundreds of miles away.
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Emojo.. how old is your mother,,, this math does not add up or I missed something!! I hope to heck I don;t live to be 103! I am 56 and tired, but I still love my job, and my life. BUT.. I hope when I start to slip I will still remember where the heck I put the sleeping pills! My Mom is so peeved that dad got ALZ, and they are no longer independant. I don;t want to put this on my daughter, or deal with the worry and stress. I have no fear of death, I have had a great life. And when it is over I hope to go peacefully and quickly. Not the living death my dad is going through. He has great care here. but his decline is awful to watch. Sorry if I offend anyone with this.. but it;s how I feel.
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Yeh i reckon we will be able to go into a nice hotel type place have a few drugs whatever then check out! lol i am only 48 but had an eye test last week and i need reading glasses i know its life but im kinda down i think this is the first time i am starting to feel i am getting on a bit! Im sure everyone gets like this? i mean i get a bit blurred at night but didnt think i needed glasses! ah well embrace it! GULP!
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It's actually a very nice letter reminding me that my kids "are just trying to help" that THEY have lives too and to remember that my needs will be met, just maybe not on my timetable. Also a reminder that driving may not be so wise and to remember my manners and the words please and thank you. About 20 points in all to remember. It has been the subject of much discussion :) Come to think of it Kazzaa, I wonder if in 20 years one might be allowed to check out if terminal and it is all written down...
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I just want to die happy grow old and wise and have a good life! i have no kids so glad i dont have to worry about them looking after me if i got very ill. Alot of old people ive met are quite sweet and funny and happy with thier lives thats how id like to end up i think the main thing is to be old and in good health but we just never know! writing a letter to yourself thats so funny but a good idea your kids could hold you to that!!! Mum told me when i was young and i had no idea about anything "if i get alz,shoot me". Nah never got it in writing!
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Wow, I am peddling as fast as I can to spare my kids the anguish of what I am dealing with. The stress of caregiving will likely do me in way before 20 years however. If however I do make it, I have written my 80 yr old self a letter about how to behave :) and given it to my oldest to give back in 20 years. I feel very resentful that my parents/FIL NEVER took care of THEIR parents and had a wonderful retirement. Guess who was taking care of Grandpa then???!!!! When is it OUR turn?
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Oh my gosh, I never knew how complicated it is to put together a Trust, POA, yada, yada, yada.... needing names of the chain of command if the first person you elect on your medical POA dies, who is next, and then after that, and after that. I come from a very small circle. I've run out of names because some names I wouldn't want to use because they themselves are dealing with love ones who are quite elderly or who have dementia/Alzheimer's :(
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GA - in terms of what I taught, I was very eclectic. Taught Physiology and Anatomy to nurses for years and Grades 12 and 10 Biologies. Then morphed into teaching basic computer literacy (Word, Excel, Power Point) along with the Biology - had fun with that. Then they recruited me to teach a lower level English (grammar and writing skills) which was a fun class so I ended up with Biology, Computers and English. They had assigned me Gd. 12 Chemistry, in my last year but I decided to retire. Mother's needs were too great and I was 73 - well past retirement age. Didn't care for that chem. course either.

Yes, the ups and downs of the last year have been draining and unsettling. Dealing with mother is usually more difficult rather than less. I am finding that the geriatric psychiatric hospital staff do not understand Borderline Personality Disorder very well. Oh dear, they will learn.

FF - I think they think we are bullet proof. NOT!!!

amy - sounds like you need some regular outside help. What you are doing is too much.

cm - where do you go for answers? It seems you are finding some in that book by Christine Lawson. Don't even try to get her to understand. I don't think your efforts will pay off. Sure you can help it. You won't be like her... Answers about what to do? Post more specific questions re cycle breaking, if that is your main concern. (((((hugs)))
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AmyGrace, one time I asked Dad when the times comes when he needs a Caregiver to come over to take care of him and Mom, and he calls an Agency which says they could send over a person BUT this person has zero training in caregiving.... doesn't know how to take blood pressure readings or listen to your heart.... doesn't know CPR.... doesn't like to cook... couldn't lift you if you fell because of a heart condition... hates to drive..... and she is pushing 70 years old.... well, Dad would you want that person to help you??? Dad said "of course not".....

Well, Dad, that person described would be me.

I seriously believe that our parent(s) still think we are 25 years old with the same energy of a 25 year old..... OMG, reality check, that ship had sailed a few years ago.
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I'm feeling extremely preoccupied with cycle-breaking right now. Be like my mother? Not if I can help it. But can I help it? And what if I'm actually worse?

Read Christine Lawson's book about Borderline Mothers in one sitting. Head in hands. And mother is getting extremely twitchy since the mental health subject came up for discussion earlier in the week. It's not about blaming, it's about understanding; but given her probable make-up try getting her to believe that.

And to complicate matters younger daughter (chip off the old block) is back home for a week or two. She's in fine fettle and the last thing I want to do is bring her down.

Who do you go to to get clear, simple answers about what to do???
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You hit the nail right on the head - we are seniors ourselves and too old to care for them. Mom is in independent living (which helps somewhat because my sister and I don't have to live with her - which would definitely cause divorces for both of us). So, she gets dinners and a safer place to live. But I do the grocery shopping, running around, repairs to minor stuff, finances and laundry, change her bed, etc. My sister cleans and we take turns with doctor appointments. Last week Mom stood on a chair and pulled the drapes down. I had to go to four stores to find the right rod, and then go over and stand on a chair myself to try to fix them. So, back to my comment - we are too old to take care of them like they need it. I run around for her as she always needs something, and I run around for me and my husband and home, I work part time and I shop for her, I shop for me. I go over there, she stresses me out, I do stuff there. I'm tired! I have health problems, more than she does. I love her, but I'm tired!
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FF, When my mom was in IL, we got her a clock that also measured temperture. Her apartment was regularly at 87 degrees! I had her doctor tell her how bad that was for her bp, but she liked to feel "toasty". Anyway, now in NH, she is grateful for airconditioning and wears sweaters everyday. go figure.
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Oh, another thing I hope I won't be doing in 20-30 years is having the house so warm. When visiting my parents this afternoon I thought I was going to melt into a puddle if I stayed there another minute. It's like walking to a giant hot flash :0
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Emjo, you've certainly done your homework, and you certainly have some challenges with integrating schooling with caregiving. The college course sounds like a good option, especially since you can proceed at your own pace.

What did you teach?

Sorry to learn about the difficulties with your mother's placement. Sometimes it takes awhile; sometimes it takes longer and sometimes it's more difficult.

It sounds like a very draining and unsettling experience for you.
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Thanks GA. There is a good about 8 course program at the college here which has been running for some time. It is for credit and includes accounting,marketing, business plan, payroll etc. I have already met with the coordinator (who was my boss for the last few years I taught at the college), and been approved to enter. The courses are run mostly online which suits me well and you can go at your own pace. Some of the courses would be repetition of things I already know, (I taught basic Excel, for example) but that's OK. You can always learn something more. There is also good opportunities for contact with local big business which could expand our business.

Altogether it would be a go, if I can get mother settled somewhere where the staff can handle her. She is in a geriatric hospital right now and they are trying to get her "settled". She has never "settled" in her life - always one crisis after another due to her personality disorder and now there is dementia with paranoia mixed in. Hopefully they will get meds into her one way or another and find her a decent facility. I vote for two weekly injections whether she wants them or not. Her quality of life without them is getting worse. Without meds there WILL be more crises. Recently she went on a hunger strike for a few days. I didn't worry about it. I knew it was for attention (narcissistic supply). She thinks they are blowing smoke into her room to make her demented. Before it was that they had removed her sex glands to make her demented. Her story of how it happened was quite convincing. When she started telling people at church about the sex gland removal, and also had a few sessions of feeling suicidal, the professionals started to act. I hope if I get that way someone will take charge of me!!!

Swan towels for AL facilities sound good to me. :-D
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