Be honest, how many hate being a caregiver?

Just what I needed today....my husband and I had been married 7 yrs before diagnosed with Alzheimer's at age 58. In the beginning I cried and cried not knowing what to expect. I was even grateful that I was here for him and would be his rock. He til this day says he has nothing wrong with him and argues every step of the way when I try to help him. He has never excepted help from people and now it is even worse. To see him he looks fit and people look at me like I am crazy when they visit a few hours and he seems fine. He cannot complete a sentence, his short and most long term memory is gone. His cognitive abilities have been gone for over 4 yrs now. I find a drawer filled with rocks from outside, I find a glass of tea in the cabinet and he gets mad if it is moved. I love him dearly and want him to be happy. I find I have to live in a way that I do not like...everything in our house gets moved around. I cannot make a change without a scene. We used to go and do all of the time and now I cannot even go. Family is not really any help and couple really do not want to spend time with people they have nothing in common with anymore. Sorry I am just ranting. I have an insurance business I have to give up this next year because it is practically impossible to do the work that needs to be done. I love my work and that has kept me sane...not sure what is next. I really do hate being a caregiver now after 7 yrs but not sure about what comes next...thanks for listening

I don't think there's a person in the world who can say (in honesty) that they love the whole experience of being a caregiver.

When you are the only caregiver and live in the same house as the person you're taking care of, it is in a sense a kind of slavery. You are chained to the situation and your life is not your own anymore. Even the smallest every day things like going to the grocery store have to be planned in advance with arrangements made so you can go for an hour. Then add the total ingratitude of the person you're caring for, which is also very common. The often abusive and negative behavior that the person being cared for develops over time, and the two-cents offered from everyone you know about how you can be doing a better job. Then add the guilt we put on ourselves for feeling resentment. Someone on this forum said that when a caregiver is feeling resentment it is because they're giving too much of themselves. That is the God's honest truth right there.
You are giving too much and it's time for outside help to take over some of the caregiving burden. And it is a burden even if people say otherwise. Let paid caregivers take some of this burden from you.

Hi Sylvia,

I care for my husband to and yes, sadly hate it. Lets be honest. It's like it was also me what you said. Nothing wrong with my husbands mind either, however he still acts more like a baby instead of a man and I get so frustrated. I get mad at him because I feel he doesn't care about my happiness. It has always been about him. I have a attitude with him to . I get upset for many reasons, that he doesn't seem to care about talking to me is one, about our life now, and remember, their is nothing mentally wrong with him. It's normal for us to get frustrated . We have to take care of our loved one And take care of everything else in the house to. LIke I read here, get some help at home if you can afford a day or two a week. Take care Sylvia

It sounds like a lot of your frustration is with your husband's behavior more than with physical aspects of care taking. Please contact your your local (or the national) Alzheimer's Association to find out about resources and classes for dealing with the dementia-related behaviors. The diagnosis need not be specifically Alzheimer's. The "training" classes are online; advice and techniques and input from other caretakers is immensely helpful and applies to all kinds of Dementia.

I am drained as a caregiver for my mom. It has now affected my own health. I know her dementia is the atrophy of her brain, but it can be so frustrating when you want the person to understand what you are talking about and for them to quit being so impatient or saying things that shouldn't be said. I totally understand where you are coming from. My faith and prayers are what has sustained me through this whole ordeal. Please know you are not alone! None of us caregivers are alone! We just feel like it sometimes! Grace and peace to you!!

These feelings are real and not wrong. I think it's important to allow yourself to say it. To feel heard and not be judged. I recommend if you can a therapist or support group.
I felt overwhelmed with my mother's care. It wasn't hate as much as I just wanted to run away from home, the responsibility was so daunting. And I absolutely did hate my sister for not helping. I definitely had my moments of being less than patient, but mostly with my own family and not with my mom.
I lost my mom almost a year ago and can honestly say I am so glad I did care for her. I wasn't perfect but I tried my best and I know my mother was grateful and forgave my imperfections. I miss her more than words can say, but am glad I did what I did. The weirdest thing is I even miss the hard days. Not everyone feels that way though. It was incredibly difficult to care for her. I knew that at the time but looking back, I wonder how I did it at all.
My sister (same one I hated, but still love!) once told me feelings are just feelings - not good or bad or worthy or not. You just have to honor the honest feeling and go from there.
Hang in there. Get some help or a break if you can and give yourself some grace.

Truthfully, I have been on both sides of this issue. When I went into the hospital I had to allow someone else to give care to my wife at great expense. When I got out I was not able to continue giving care and had to watch others provide their 'best'. I pined for the opportunity to get back to my duties feeling sorry for my wife's dilemma. Once I got back to it I was happy to give every effort. Then it happened! My wife became demanding and needy which became more and more difficult each day. She became hateful and hard to please.

Well at least you're being real with the situation; first step to dealing with your emotions.
I'm a live in, full time caregiver. Recognizing the person I care for has a mental disease helps a lot. This person would have conducted themselves sooo differently when they were not ill. Even still, my mind is sharp, so dealing with a person who struggles with pretty much every simple task is very taxing on my emotional health. This is when the Biblical saying "Patience is a Virtue" comes in.
Learn your limits and if you're feeling "snarky" or frustrated find a way to walk away. Also; if there is nothing wrong with your husbands mind then he is going to pick up on your emotions. Be honest with him (it's more respectful) and tell him you are walking away because your attitude sucks. You might do this 10x a day or 100 but try and come back with a "fresh start" to each situation. Best Wishes!

You have my prayers but you need to look into getting a home care for one or two days a week maybe a half day for one or two days. This will give you the chance to go out with your girlfriend's go shopping run errands maybe just spend a day at the park taking a walk or just relax and people watch. Home care will give your husband bath, do laundry, vacuum,fix a meal whatever you need they will do. But the biggest benefit is you will see your attitude go from bad to good. Getting out of the house and do something for yourself will be the best medicine.
Been there, done that. My husband still had his mind but was bedfast with last stages of colon cancer. I had him put in hospital for a week to give me a week of respite I didn't visit but would call him everyday. When n he passed I slept for a week. But I never lost my temper with him. We took vows to be there in sickness and in health. You can not be the best caretaker of you don't take care of yourself.

I was a caregiver for my beloved mom for 7 years, and took a few courses in home health and CNA. When my mom passed I eventually got a dream estate manager position/caregiver, close to my home. This was for about 4 years and the very wealthy client (who became a friend) passed later part of 2020. I worked with a team of 4 and we lived in the house, because it had seperate quarters for us. There was always 2 people there at all times....Then was caregiver for my aunt and sold her home and my dad. Eventually my aunt moved into a great Catholic facility about an hour away, and I care for my dad.....I am middle aged, single male with a Bachelors degree and then ran my own healthy food cafe. But when it was time for caregiving, it was right time and place. Thanks be to God!

I hate being a caregiver, too. The only thing that helped was joining the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It is a place where caregivers can vent without judgment.

Seeing that there are caregivers with far worse situations than mine, helped me to be more grateful.

If possible, try to get someone else to be his caregiver, so that you can be his wife, again.

I understand & can relate to you in so many ways. I live with the Scripture..."I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me". I hate what this disease has done to my dear husband & I sometimes feel trapped. God is my strength & help when I need it the most. I have a wonderful girl who will sit with him if I need to have some time off. She is also a RN which gives me peace while I'm away. She is like family & I am so blessed. Thank You, Jesus!! PS, I forgot to mention that my husband is 82 and I am 84. I believe God has us in this place for such a time as this. Amen!!

Get some help. When you hate....that will be present in what you do for your husband and will spread to how you see and treat. You describe yourself not as a caregiver but you are doing what he needs done. A "caregiver mentality" is different. A caregiver does not get into "feelings" that effect doing "care". A "caregiver" does not "hate". They enjoy doing "care" no matter what it is. Do not try to do something you are not. You are doing "chores" your husband needs. It has gotten old and has escallated in you mind to "hate". This can escalate to neglect and abuse. You need to hire a "caregiver" to help you.

Sylvia, you have my love, support, understanding, and certainly my prayers. You are a perfectly normal, healthy human, and your feelings are natural. I heard something the other day that I liked: W.A.I.T. ('why am I talking?') It's actually more to keep myself, my sanity, and my peace of mind safe. And the 'other party' also appreciates it, of course! Having to 'make amends' and apologize (what to say, how to say it, when am I able (if ever) to do so) can get very complicated, and being a caretaker (or just a plain human) is complicated enough!

Clearly not everyone is meant to be a caregiver. However we saw to the best of our ability that my mother and mother in law got decent care from someone.
It takes certain qualities and understanding to be a caregiver. My mother was a great business woman but caregiver -not so much, so she did not expect us to drop everything and take care of her personally. My wife freely admits she could not do that on a daily basis even though she is a medical professional. We were
fortunate to have people and relatives who were willing to take their time to help with the extra work required. My mother and mother in law were not ill with any disease, just frail and needed help to do the routine duties of living. There might be the ocassional forgetfulness or confusion; but not a lot. My point is "do not feel bad that you are not wired to handle that kind of committment".

Dear SylviaT, I am praying for you as so many others are, too. Sometimes, all of us are not living a day at a time, but one second at a time. Remember to give yourself grace. 🙏

Sylvia,

I truly applaud your honesty. Do not force yourself to do something that you hate. That doesn’t help in any way, shape or form. It will only magnify the agony for you and your husband.

Everyone has a unique experience, therefore no one has fully walked in your shoes.

We may experience something similar but it certainly is not a mirror image.

You are entitled to your feelings about your life.

You don’t even owe anyone an explanation as to why you feel like you do, nor do you owe anyone any form of an apology for your feelings.

I was a caregiver to my mom with Parkinson’s disease for 20 years! 15 years were in my home. Let me say that it absolutely becomes a huge burden and it changes family dynamics in every way, and not in a positive way.

I could scream when I hear, “What doesn’t kill us will make us stronger.” PLEASE! Very often it breaks us, and although when all is said and done, we can and do heal, we never forget the misery.

Take care, dear lady. I wish you peace and joy now and when your caregiver journey ends.

Same here I hate taking care of my mother she is unable to do anything, this woman who I care for stole my mother’s body her mind ( she doesn’t know who I am or anyone else). We are good friends she says.
she has been this way for 4 years now, but living under my roof 30 years. But I am now grateful she is unable to stand or walk because before this I had to constantly watch her so she wouldn’t fall, and if I had an errand I had to bring her everyplace I had to go. So I landed up canceling my appointments till my husband could be home. Now she stays in her recliner and knows and doesn’t try to get up. But every morning I hate getting out of bed because I have to take her out of bed change her diaper dress her feed her, to someone who doesn’t know where she is and wants to go home to her mother!

I admit it I was short with my father from time to time and I wasn't even his full time care giver. He could be difficult and he hated to be helped. I get task oriented and forgot what I was doing with him was a task but he was not the task though I think I may have treated him that way. I hope from heaven he knows I'm sorry I was short with him and that he was more than a task to be taken care of. Because of COVID my mother and I have had to settle for phone calls and window visits. No more taking her to DR appts, shopping out to lunch. My caregiving is from a distance with bill paying, ordering her few groceries for snacks and such.

I have more of an attitude time with my spouse (who isn't in care) who complains about my attitude and mouth, but having lived with him for more than 25 yrs is it my reflecting his attitude and mouth towards me. I know that isn't a good reason and I hate when it gets to that point and constantly ask forgiveness. I pray to God to give me patience, but I'm afraid I'm asking multiple times a week.

I imagine you are tired. You don't say how long you've cared for your husband. It sounds as if you need a break to recharge your batteries. Is there children or other family that can give you a break. Can you afford to hire someone a couple times a week so you can run errands, take a walk, soak in the tub, just sit quietly for a while and escape into a book.

We all have our shortcomings, my prayers go out to each an everyone of you and I ask for yours.

Sylvia,

I will pray for you to find guidance in the care of your husband. I also hope that you get support for what you are going through. You can contact your health care provider to have a virtual or phone call to provide help that you need at this time. I suggest you make it a point to call asap so that help can be given to you. Love has many challenges and you are facing a big one right now. God bless you and your husband.

Is there anyway you can get a brief time away from the caregiving? Are there other family members who could relieve you for a few days, or even a few hours periodically? If not, are you financially able to hire temporary caregivers to allow you to recharge?

After all of the wonderful and wise suggestions from those of us that are walking a similar path, one thing I can add is "Thank God there is this website to go to. One of the best things I have gotten from this website is the knowledge that I am not alone!" And as a Christian "I know I do not walk this path alone!" Both points are valuable. God bless you and your husband.

Honestly, to nearly anyone who lives a busy life, more so in America, we all despise caregiving. Our reasons for becoming a caregiver differ. Some old parents don't have enough saved up to hire a full-time caregiver. We take on this burden because we have to, not because we want to. Healthcare in America is the worst of any developed country, and yet they cause this issue of people outliving their usual years. What have they proposed to take the burden off of the younger generation caring for the older generation? A shut up and do it because they raised you mentality. They never cared for their elderly parents who were too old to do anything, because their parents died younger than 90-100 years old. This caregiving is a new problem that the younger generation faces and some of us are even 60+ years old when our parents expect us to care for them. We have jobs, we have duties to fulfill, and yet we are burdened by our parents. Some of us just want to retire already and enjoy what little life we have left. Maybe they spent a lot, maybe they didn't have a lot or maybe they had too many kids. When it comes to the final one, you all need to chip in to help care for your parents in any way you can. Sometimes this is nearly impossible, but it really is your duty to help if you can. The bottom line is, if they can afford care, then for God's sake let them pay for it. Sure, it takes some out of your inheritance, but it takes it out of EVERYONE'S inheritance. What this does is give your brothers and sisters a reason to chip in. If they can't, then money has to be spent on caregiving.

Countries like China are way ahead of America. They have a better healthcare system, they pay for you to care for your elderly parents, and it's expected that you do so. In America, you are expected to care for your elderly parents with no incentive whatsoever. The cost falls on your time on this planet, and you really have to love them to sacrifice something that they never had to sacrifice when they were younger. I expect later generations to be more grateful since we know what it's like to be a caregiver. Unfortunately, we're the first generation to have to do such a thing, so our parents and such can come off as ungrateful. It's a very complicated and debated situation.

I'm raising my hand. I feel trapped and don't know how to get out of the situation. If it were a job, I would have quite a long time ago.

I have to be honest also, I truly hate being a caregiver also. But I was trained to be one when I lived away from my family. I hated it then and I still hate it now. I know what the end result will be. DEATH.! I continue to flourish because of the thought that I am helping to give a human who has literally lost their being as to who they use to be. Most of them are in a second child hood and have to taken cared for. Yes it is hard, but I get satisfaction knowing that I am doing my best to make there life comfortable as I can. I know that it never said that living will always be perfect and I am now seeing just what the old saying goes, you get what you sow. I have had to hold my tongue long enough on more days now than when I first started 9 years ago. Some would say that as a child most grownups have been used to doing things there way and will always try to resort back to this way of life. They do not realize that in most cases they do hurt those they love. I have to tell myself this a lot and PRAY to JESUS, GOD, HOLY GHOST SPIRIT, HOLY MOTHER MARY , AND ALL HEAVEN to give me the strength to continue on until that day when it will all be over. I also PRAY that I will be a better person when I get past 90 years old. So I say this to say that patience is a virtue and I am PRAYING EVERY DAY FOR THOSE MORE POWERFUL THAN I TO HELP ME. I hope that this is helpful and I hope that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It will be a glorious day when it is all over.

You don't have to like anything...chose not to hate anything...it is a sickness of the soul.
Consider getting in some part time help
And taking better care of yourself
Dr Christophers herbal Relax Eze caps are really helping me. Inexpensive & available on Amazon. Plus pushing in half a gallon of distilled water, and going for a 30 for 40 min walk each day. Healthier body, healthier mind, more emotional stability (most times :)
One day your husband will be on the other side
Your loyalty & love for each other will be what you remember, not the stupid things you/he said under difficult circumstances
Take good care of yourself.
A big warm hug and positive thoughts to you

I have started hating it myself!! I'm with you on losing my patience. The pandemic hasn't helped. I am caring for my dad, but I imagine taking care of your husband is much harder.... We kinda expect our parents to need help eventually. Some days I get 'snappy' with him. He's a very mild mannered, sweet 93 year old, so afterward I get upset with myself.
It's just that sometimes I just want to scream!!
I hope you can find the strngth to get through this tough time...maybe once everything opens again, you can get someone to give you a few hours to yourself

Tbh, caregiving is many times difficult, often unpleasant and quite wearing on the body AND the soul. If a caregiver doesn't seek respite when they can, they will FAIL. No one caregiver is a SUPERSTAR. If they thought that they were, they most certainly will find it a difficult road.

I hate watching my mom's condition deteriorate. It makes me very angry. I talk to God about it a lot.
I pray that God, our Father and Creator will care for you and your husband and give you the strength to deal with your trials. I pray that Jesus, His Son, our Savior will be a constant and compassionate presence at your side. I pray the the Holy Spirit will give you wisdom, counsel, fortitude and knowledge, and help you grow in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I think at some point in time all of us don't like being a caregiver, we would rather be their "daughter, son, husband, wife or whatever", something that we all knew before the caregiving task. I also ask for patience some days. I don't have near the amount of caregiving as some do on this site, but even when I am having a bad day it comes across to my family member. Wishing you luck and patience.