SylviaT Asked March 2021
Be honest, how many hate being a caregiver?
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I will be honest. I hate being a caregiver. I don't take care of my husband. I take care of someone that looks like my husband. Lately, I stay so frustrated and ill with him. He told me to quit being ill with him and mind you there is nothing wrong with his mind. I love him, but lately I just don't know what to do about my attitude. I pray to God everyday to help me. Everyday I mess up with my mouth in gear. I need prayers for me and my husband.
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I got on to a thread where this woman was literally suicidal, she was so depressed from caregiving and having no life. I realized there were others like me and that I was not a terrible daughter and wife. I wasn't suicidal but did realize I was experiencing compassion fatigue as well as physical fatigue and depression. I set the bar high for myself and kicked myself when I too, got snippy, snappy, crabby and shrill with them.
I had it in my head , well, it was put there with the assistance of many family members that I should be enjoying this. That I should be grateful. Happy even.
Did not know why my life did not look like all the glossy caregiving pamplets and commericials. I recall one commerical of a lovely elderly woman standing on the steps of her beautiful home with two beaming attractive adult children. The guilt line was something like "dad made us promise not to ever put mom in a home".
Yeesh.
So much is thrown at us, telling us how we SHOULD feel, and if you don't the guilt and self criticism sets in, which leads to depression...and so on.
I found so much help, hope and acceptance here. It's my sane place when my life gets too intense. Welcome and I hope you find support here as well.
I tell men and women that make stupid comments like she is your mother so you have to take care of her or she is a good ol girl that I am more than willing to have them come in and take care of her for a month so I can have some time off for the first time in four years. It shuts them up fast.
You need some help with your wife's caregiving. If you and her have family talk to them and see who's willing to help out with her to ease some of your burden.
No matter how much you love someone, it is a tremendous burden to be their caregiver. Especially when they've got dementia. No one can be the sole caregiver for a sick person with dementia and keep that going indefinitely because it will harm you. What happens to your wife if you get sick or God forbid, died? She goes to a nursing home. Well this happens more often than not when one person has all the caregiving responsibility on them.
My cousin married a man 18 years older than her. They were together for years. He got dementia and she became his caregiver. She didn't ask for help because she believed it was her sole responsibility to take care of him. This went on for a few years. I'd see her once in a while and each time she's look more tired and drawn. I tried talking her into some homecare to help, but she refused and always said it's fine.
It wasn't fine though. She died suddenly of a heart attack when she was 59 years old. That was five years ago. Her husband went into a nursing home and he's still there.
Please stop trying to go it alone as your wife's caregiver. You need help and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
You have to acknowledge your anger. Stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eye and say "I am so angry this happened to my husband, and it's OKAY to be angry. I hate this disease and what it is doing to him. I know it's not his fault". Then ask for grace and patience to deal with the issues that arise. Do it as often as you need to. It does help. I used to yell at my husband when he would do something bizarre. By acknowledging that I was angry at the disease, I found acceptance that allows me to be kind and compassionate. Sending you a giant hug, because we all know what you are going thru.
I thank you so much for your advice. I am not a bad person and I believe in God and am a Christian. I will try what you're saying and thank you for not being judgmental. Hugs back!🤗
I know how you feel. I too pray everyday for God to help me in every way. To give me strength, understanding, wisdom, to tame my tongue, and much much more! I am always frustrated, angry, resentful, exhausted and burned out!
I'll pray for you and you can pray for me and maybe together will get through this!
Hugs!!!
This is truly a challenging and exhausting career. I am constantly working on my attitude. I breathe a bunch! I truly work hard on not saying what I'm thinking. I call a friend. Heck, I have called customer service to just talk to somebody different! I drink a glass of wine occasionally.
I do not work for a company. I consider this caregiving my job, so I treat it as such.
I pray extra prayers for those who work for companies and also care for love ones too.
I incorporate creativity in my day as much as possible in caregiving. I play music, dance in the living room, watch movies or have tea time and talk. We color children's books, word search books or just take a walk to the mailbox. Sometimes we just walk from the front door to the back door inside the house. We write letters. I have learned to not push them.
I do seek help. No help is turned away. I've learned to relax. When they sleep, I sleep. When help is here I often go for a drive.
I BELIEVE, God WILL send what I need. If I ask. Not what I want but what I NEED.
Whatever I do for me. I do for my love ones. I do it today, I don't do it tomorrow. It is exhausting and there are often no rewards. Breathe.
If caregiving continues for an extensive period of time, they will most likely grow to absolutely hate it.
Plus, how many people secretly hate it but for whatever reason they won’t openly admit that they hate it?
Don’t ever doubt that burn out is real.
People who don’t think that caregiving is hard, have probably never done any caregiving in their lives.
Covid was sort of a blessing for me and I don’t feel as angry because I cant/don’t see her that often. I also became resentful because I also would think of my childhood. This forum has been wonderful for me. No one knows what this is like until they do it. If there is any way you can place her somewhere, do it. It’s so much better. I have vowed not to do this to my children. Sending warm thoughts your way.
When you are the only caregiver and live in the same house as the person you're taking care of, it is in a sense a kind of slavery. You are chained to the situation and your life is not your own anymore. Even the smallest every day things like going to the grocery store have to be planned in advance with arrangements made so you can go for an hour. Then add the total ingratitude of the person you're caring for, which is also very common. The often abusive and negative behavior that the person being cared for develops over time, and the two-cents offered from everyone you know about how you can be doing a better job. Then add the guilt we put on ourselves for feeling resentment. Someone on this forum said that when a caregiver is feeling resentment it is because they're giving too much of themselves. That is the God's honest truth right there.
You are giving too much and it's time for outside help to take over some of the caregiving burden. And it is a burden even if people say otherwise. Let paid caregivers take some of this burden from you.
I just don't want to take care of another old person. The thought of it makes me sick. No one is alone in absolutely despising caregiving.
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