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Hello again. My mother who has been in a Nursing Home for three months with early/moderate dementia makes a huge song and dance about having baths/showers. She carries on, cries, says why is she being treating like a "dirty animal" being forced to have baths/showers when she doesn't need them. When she lived at home (which she did until three months ago, with home caregivers twice a day) she never bathed or showered but just had flannel washes. The nursing home says she needs to shower and they try to make bathtime nice with the lovely toiletries family have given her - but she makes huge scenes. What should I do? Ask the nursing home not to bathe her (I doubt they would be happy about this), make it a set time and day so she expects it? (with staff shortages this would be difficult). Every week there is a big scene with shouting and crying and anger on the phone to me. I never insisted on showers or baths myself but the nursing home insists a weekly bath or shower must be part of her "nursing" care plan. Advice please.

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My granny did the same thing. We asked that they just got it done. We had observed that they were gentle and all the fuss was her dementia screaming. Go and see how they deal with it, choose your course from there.

The problem that facilities run into is family claiming neglect because of skin issues from not bathing. It really is a no win situation for them.

Tell mom that you will bring her a treat after her shower and she is all fresh. Don't agree with her that she doesn't need a bath, that makes it harder for staff. If you want a different care plan, please leave her out of the conversation.
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Yes, she needs to bathe. Hygiene is important whether she likes it or not, and if she's sure she doesn't need a shower, I guarantee she does. Old folks get musky "down there," if you know what I mean, and they also lose their sense of smell and don't notice it.

It's the nursing home's job to handle it. Tell Mom those are the rules and to quit whining. Don't even engage her in the discussion.
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Is the NH asking you to help try and convince mom to let them bathe her? Because if not, if I were you, I would just let them deal with it. I'm sure she's not the first recalcitrant resident to resist being bathed. Sometimes our elder LO's will agree to things for "strangers" that they will refuse to do for us, their children, when we ask them to do something. When she complains to you about it, something along the line of "gee mom, that's too bad. I'll look into that" might suffice.
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