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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/the-sandwich-generation-caring-for-children-and-elderly-parents-123286.htm
But bet the allure is not shining on this caregiving task, and the kids might even be scared of the whole thing and resentful it's taking you away. Perhaps you can give them meaningful tasks to help in this that would be fun for them, and that you can share some pat-on-the-back moments with them. They really helped. One thing I am always doing is looking up stuff on the net, like cures for leg cramps and signs of urine retention. Side effects of drugs. That would be a good one, "Johnny, could you search to see if itchy scalp and skin is a side effect of Grandma's new drug?" There are drug user forums that will open his eyes to a world of reality.
I remember when mom brought home her mother for a few months before she entered nursing home for short period, dying of colon cancer. I was away at college at the time, but was open enough to hear my grandma's story of the traumatic night grandpa died. He was on the floor, and she struggled to get him up. In retrospect, I think I served her well that I would stand there and listen to her carefully.
You might create a theme song for this period in your life for both you and your children. You can hum it whenever things get out of balance. I suggest "Stand by Me" as played by the Playing for Change group. This is what I am doing for my mother, in spite of all the times I've been told "you deserve your own life... put her in a nursing home." You can see this song online video by googling Stand by Me Playing for Change. The dvd of their songs is inexpensive.
A storytellers story to pull on them one day is (google Wooden Bowl Story, or similar one Story of the Half Blanket). In both stories, it is the child who takes the side of the frail senior, and shames the parents into really caring for their dying parents. You could even make up that your own grandma (mother of the woman you are caring for) told you this story as she cared for her own parents. Make it a Passed down through the generations tale (even if you just learned it) and that will sear it more into their consciousness.
I suppose you could do some research into what really makes people happy. Large cash prizes and stuff gives happiness for about three months. Read the excellent book "When Your Falling DIVE" with chapter after chapter of excellent interviews with those who have mastered dealing with catastrophe and come out the better for it. Perhaps you can all read a chapter a week and discuss the issues. d
Mom spent a lot of time with all of us when I was married, this wasn't too healthy I later realized, but now that she is sick, the boyz do what they can when they can. One is preparing to go in the Marines in a few months and the other is working, and trying to get back into college and doesn't leave a lot of time but when they can they are there. One is more sensitive than the other and that's why I'm glad I don't just have one child to do it all, because the other one isn't and he makes up for the sensitive one.
Boys seem to be very devoted and they are certainly a support system for me.
I understand the nervousness, my mom was that way too. Not now though she has calmed down a whole lot.
Hope this helps.
"I am my mothers "everything". Have been all my life." Does this mean that you are her only child? I'm an only child myself.
"She is very nervous, extremely picky and I can't do anything right." Has this been true her whole life or just since she's become older? If she's been like this all of her life then it sounds like she possibly knows how to push your buttons.
" It's been three years of caregiving and my depression is really sinking in."
Have you been diagnosed with depression, gotton medical help, and gone to someone for some talk therapy to help with the depression, the anticipatory grief, and worry over balancing your life which is in a jam? I'm not a therapist, but I would see someone about all of the above.
It is good that your mother is in assisted living because that does give your family some personal space which is good with the children out of school for the summer. Since this has been going on for 3 years now, how have you sought to balance these summer times in the past? How have you handled how much time you spend with your mother duing the school year when the children are in school?
This might seem obvious, but have you and your husband sat down and talked about all of this? What is his perception about the situation, your depression and balancing time between him, children and your mom?
Traditional: those sandwiched between aging parents who need care and/or help and their own children.
Check online-as there are many articles on this subject of 'the sandwich generation-and good luck on your caregiving journey.
Hap!
Good luck
Hap