How do I reconcile these awful thoughts regarding life insurance?

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My dad has this giant term life policy (no cash value) that has 5 years left before the premium skyrockets due to older age in which case I will cancel it. It's a 500K policy that's valid no matter how he passes away. I feel SO BAD whenever I get a glimpse of the financial relief it would bring us if he were to pass in the next 5 years. I could put my mom in a fantastic retirement home (ya know, the kind for people with huge pensions), and I could put her in alcohol rehab, buy her a cute wardrobe, take her to Mayo clinic to have her health completely evaluated, and many other things I just simply cannot do unless I win the lottery... my dad's health wont get better, and on his really really bad days I just wish that he could be at peace. I know some days he wishes that he would pass too. But on his really good days I couldnt imagine him leaving us. How do I reconcile these bizarre thoughts???

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Just like with our emotions, humans feel what they feel. You just had an idea when you thought of the insurance, it doesn’t mean you wished your dad would die.

You think of things you’d like to do for your mom. You aren’t even thinking of things for yourself. You’re just thinking, that’s all.

I learned to meditate about twenty years ago and it sure helps a person have some control over their unwanted thoughts. There’s a lot online about meditation (there wasn’t twenty years ago) so if you’d want to try it, there is a lot to read about. I learned the Buddhist techniques and it takes a while to learn but once you’ve gotten control of your thoughts, it’s relaxing.
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Reply to HolidayEnd
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You still have 5 years. Each day has enough issues to deal with. Future planning is great, but Dad's already done that, (in this area) and that plan is only half way through. 

There's to many variables to think that far ahead. Stay in the day, deal with the present. A guaranteed stressor is living in the past or Future. Deal with life as it comes. Plan for the immediate future at this point, it's much healthier.
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Reply to Pepsee
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The policy would be so expensive to convert to whole life, and the premium will go up hundreds. Maybe I could find a cheaper policy in 5 years, who knows. I will talk to my broker!
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Reply to aj6044
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Don't feel bad for playing the "what if" game. Truth is, all of us probably have had those thoughts in passing. Yes, a really large inheritance like that could really change your life and your mother's.

How much is the policy going to "skyrocket"? It may be advisable to find the money to pay to continue the policy. After all, your dad has paid into it for many years. People buy life insurance so their loved ones left behind aren't left broke.

It's there for mom to use, it's not like you'd use it to do anything wild and weird. How old are your folks? Probably not very, as you are just 21.

I'd talk to a financial adviser. Wouldn't be surprised to see that they agree you should continue the policy's payments.
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Reply to Midkid58
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AJ, lol 😀 that's totally normal!
I've done it with my DH's large term insurance policy. And I'd be lost without him. He's not sick, and I still thought those thoughts. We're humans, humans think. Don't stress it Sweet Pea! You're an AMAZING daughter 👨‍👩‍👧
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Reply to Pepsee
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Aj, I think these thoughts are along the lines of "what if I won the lottery"? Mom and I play that game all the time! i was very surprised when dad passed,, he left me 2 policies separate from Moms that were an absolute godsend, as hubs lost his job soon after and nearing retirement age he is now able to stay home and take care of my mom,, she is mostly with it but needs supervison and such. I know you love your dad, and he bought that policy because he loves you. I don't think for one minute you really want him "gone"... you are just imagining how things could be. It's fine to dream,, who knows what the future will bring?
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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