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My Mom has Alzheimer’s (stage 5/6) and is in assisted living. She refuses to let anyone bathe her and won’t do it on her own. They tell me it is illegal for them to try to bathe her if she says “no”. I don’t think she’s showered in almost a year! What can I do?

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Reply to Lcourtney
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You need now to speak with Administration. There may be more than just this shower problem.
Your mother may be progressed too far now into dementia to remain in ALF. This is for more able people. She may require memory care or nursing home care at this point.

IF your mother is well enough to understand you taking her for a sit down talk with administration about cleanliness and hygiene requirements then she is able to understand your telling her that a failure to follow basic good hygiene habits will result in memory care or nursing home where she will be showered by caregivers.
If she can grasp what yu are telling her there's a chance here, but if she's incapable of understanding this, then she is likely needing a transfer to more safe care for her condition.
I am so sorry, and wish you the best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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DaughterByLaw Jan 12, 2026
AlvaDeer, are you saying that the caregivers in memory care units no longer have to go by the patient's preference with bathing (etc.), they can just go ahead and overrule them? This whole refusal to bathe issue is growing with my MIL too, and if the policy around it differs then it may weigh the decision of when to shift her to their MC area (it's a blended AL/MC facility). Thanks!
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Time for a meeting with the director to discuss the appropriateness of mom living there. Perhaps she now needs a higher level of care. She may also need medication for anxiety
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Around 100AD, Roman villas in England had warm water showers. After the Romans left England, it was almost 2000 years until warm water showers became ‘normal’. Most of our own great-grandparents had a weekly bath. They did not stink, or have skin problems. Showers are NOT the only way to stay clean.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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ShirleyDot Jan 9, 2026
We actually don't know that they didn't stink. It is more likely that everyone was used to more body odor than we are accustomed to today. Today is different and we aren't all living like the Romans. When we're camping for a week we don't shower, but we're all outside and we all have hair that smells like a campfire, for example.
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Why is she in assisted living and not memory care?
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Reply to southernwave
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Despite what many people may think, We have to wash up somewhat regularly. If there are aides there that you know and trust ask them to give her a really good sponge bath. She can sit on the toilet and they can make sure it's warm in the room. Wash her from the top down and making sure that there are separate clean wash rags in washing front and back private spots. They can use a baby bath which will get her clean but not damage skin. This can be done about three times a week. Lotion can be applied on arms and legs and back. Dry shampoo can be used for hair, although when I was a CNA for home care people would let me wash their hair in this sink. She's afraid. So find someone really skilled and nice to help her through this. It doesn't have to be a shower she just needs to be clean.
Most CNAs who are skilled and loving will know how to give a good sponge bath.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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I'm surprised they are allowing her to stay at the AL if she's refused to shower in a year. It sounds like she belongs in memory care now and not assisted living. Does she at least get washed up? It sounds like it's time for memory care.

I think your best bet here is to follow Alva's good advice in the comments. If your mother can still have a conversation have a sit down with her and the administration of the place and tell her that there are rules on hygiene that all the residents must abide by. If she refuses she will be kicked out and put into a nursing home or memory care facility. If she's beyond this kind of talk, she should be in memory care.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Hire an aide privately to shower her once a week. She is your friend or mom’s friend who comes 2 hours per week to socialize and shower her and trim her nails and wash hair. Or pay more every day for memory care every day or SNF.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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I agree with hiring a temporary CNA a few days a week to make sure your mom showers and washes her hair... I had patients that sometimes did not want to shower and I learned how to do a very very good sponge bath with them sitting on the toilet . They may do well together for quite a while until your mom needs more care.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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Your mom requires memory care. It appears your mother is scared of showers with dementia. The alternate is sponge bathe underarms, bottom and feet while seated on a shower chair, then use lotion or cream on the body. Use gentle lotion wipes in the face.
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Reply to Patathome01
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