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My Mom moved to assisted living a month ago it appeared everything was fine she was adjusting nicely making friends, participating in activities. Now all of a sudden she hates it, hates the food, hates her tiny room. None of this is true. The place is like a resort everyone is so nice and I've eaten there several times with one meal being better than the next. She keeps saying she wants to go back to her house and she has become so evil with the nasty things she is saying to me I'm making myself physically ill over this. I have tried begging, pleading, reasoning, even crying nothing is working. She has dementia ( although acknowledged by dr's not formally diagnosed) and I'm so afraid she is going to get herself kicked out thinking that will be her ticket to her home. My Mom is VERY stubborn and hard headed when it comes to getting what she wants. She basically manipulates and nags until,she gets her way and she absolutely cannot live alone and I honestly don't know where to go from here. My stress levels are through the roof and I'm beginning to think she truly does hate every ounce of my being. I have been falsely accused of so many horrible things, mainly stealing (which hurts the most) that are so untrue and so painful it's putting me in a deep depression. She has already destroyed a close relationship with my only sibling as a result of her antics. I was thinking of taking her for some tours to some of the less desirable Alf's in the area just to see how truly good she has it I just don't know if that will do any good. I did my homework and visited every place in the area and this one was by far the absolute nicest and cleanest, I wouldn't mind living there myself. It literally looks and feels like a hotel. Have any of you gone through this one month in and how have you dealt with it? She is threatening to call call home health agencies to price what it would cost to have someone come into her home should she move back to give her her meds as I cannot do it four times a day. She is also threatening to call lawyers and her doctor ( we told her her dr said she cant live alone). I guess basically what I'm asking is how have you all dealt with these tantrums and how did you get your parents to see that this is it. There is no other option they absolutely positively cannot go back home and live alone. I'm at wits end. Please help with any suggestions. I honestly don't know what to do at this point I'm so depressed and stressed over this.

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She definitely needs some medications, we started mom on anxiety meds and later added an anti-depressant. Do not stay when she is nasty, get up and go. She plays to an audience, so don't be one. Don't take her out of there either, she will be just as nasty back home. It's the dementia.
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Quick update. First I would like to thank everyone for the encouraging words, I don't know where I would be without all of you in this community who have cheered me on and lifted me up when I was at my lowest. I think we finally reached a good place I swear you never really hear much about the "adjustment phase" but its so real and so raw I really feel I might just have to blog about it. My Mom is doing well, not asking so much to go home, it does happen from time to time but I do see where she is getting happier about being there and making friends has really helped. I have backed off a bit, I'm not going there every day as I was and she is now finding her own independence again, making choices and friends on her own and getting into a routine. For anyone else going through the adjustment know you are not alone we are all here for you and it DOES get better. Now what I am finding is instead of getting the screaming, threatening, heart breaking phone calls I am now getting the gossip calls. Wait till I tell you this.... listen to what I heard today.... you would never believe what so and so did. It's kind of funny because its a fun side of my Mom that I hadn't seen in such a long time, its really nice to have that side back to her. She has gained three lbs since moving in which is a great thing and while she may not be thrilled with her apartment, I know in my heart I did the right thing and I see where she is not rotting anymore alone in her house sleeping and forgetting to eat. For once, after three months I am finally seeing a glimpe of the rainbow after the storm. And it feels fabulous!!!
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Read Coping WIth Your Difficult Older Parent.

Let her call whomever she wants. I think that people will realize that she has dementia. I am going to avoid words like "you should," because that doesn't help. In my situation, I had to walk away and let mom depend on the staff.

In my own case, Mother plays a game that I call "You Lose." No matter what the situation was that we tried to help her with, she won and we lost. Dealing with her absolutely caused my sisters early death. What happens if she outlives you?
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What Pstegman said.

MsDaisy, this isn't anything YOU'RE doing, this is your mom and who she is. I understand totally. You are the whipping post for all of life's wrongs and miseries. It sucks, but that's it. There's really nothing you can DO except endure...and get her on some meds, like yesterday. They helped my mom chill. They'll help yours, too.
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She doesn't hate you and she won't hate you. It's part of the dementia and progression of the disease... it sucks! You need to remember that for your own sanity. I don't get accused of stealing (yet) but I do get threatened. Mom and I came to the conclusion (it was my idea) that my name should be on her checking account because I pay all her bills and if something were to happen to her it would be one less thing for me to deal with. She sat in the bank with me happy as a lark drinking coffee making small talk. The man at the bank asked her if she understood what we were doing; she said yes it was fine. The following week after this was complete her mail came and my name, of course, appeared under hers on the monthly statement. She marched over to my house waving the paper at me asking what the hell was this... I said mom, you were with me; we did this together. She said, well I didn't know that is what we were doing! If you EVER TOUCH A NICKEL without permission, I will leave, move away, and that will be the end of us! (I doubt she remembers that conversation today... but I still do!) I was actually hurt because I wouldn't - and haven't - done that. But she can divvy out those threats.... like I wouldn't be her daughter anymore if I dared to touch a penny... nice! I said you are the one who raised me and you did a better job of it than thinking I could do such a thing. Same thing with the mail issue I had a couple of weeks ago. She kept bothering me every day saying, "come over and explain my mail to me, I hate these people, what do they want, etc etc" (it was all junk mail) then I had to explain WHY they sent it, etc... oh it was grueling and this is for a year so finally I said hey let's forward your mail here. I will give you your fun stuff; coupons, checks from your stocks, etc but how about I just throw the crap out that upsets you. She said great! 2 days later she's still looking into an empty mailbox wondering why her mail isn't arriving, and looks at me like I'm out of my mind when I hand her her checks and catalogs I think she would like to look at. But I know she doesn't hate me; she is confused. She is angry. And who better to get angry at than the ones you love? Because they won't leave you...... So don't take it personally when she treats you like that, and remember; it's the disease, not your mom.
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Msdaisey, I am so sorry for the hurt and stress your mother is causing you. I think you need to read up on narcissistic behavior. My mother is exactly like this, EXCEPT, she is healthy and living in her own home. She has had a chip on her shoulder at me for at least 20 years. I complained to her about the stingy ways of my husband and the terrible cost of college for three girls (two are twins). Just normal stuff like daughters do with mothers. Never asked her for a penny, never crossed my mind.

Today, years after my girls have gone through school and are living their own lives, my relationship with mom is in shambles. She stabs me in the back every chance she gets. I just found out from my brother this past weekend that she has been doing this to me for at least 25 years. She has created an entire world of "my daughter is a worthless person who will get my money and blow it" to make herself feel better about being a miser.

I have educated myself about personally disorders, family dysfunction and abuse. There were many light bulb moments for me. Now today, I really don't care where mom goes when she needs care, it just won't be with me. She too will have to go to a nursing home or assisted living.

The sad thing is, we probably never had a real relationship with our mothers at all. It is so hard to wrap my mind around treating a daughter as if she were a worthless stranger. But that is what it is and that is what you seem to have as well.

You need boundaries. I have some and they get greater as each year passes. I am so sorry for your hurt, I know how that feels. It is a lonely sad feeling to come to realize that your own mother is more interested in her drama than in your feelings. I know you love your mother but even that dims with time and the realization that maybe she doesn't love you or your sister the way she should. Maybe she is not capable.

People with personality disorders get worse with age/dementia. So nothing will change but how you deal with her. Arm yourself in knowledge. Take care of yourself.
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msdaisy, I have been dealing with a narcisstic waif-like mother all my life. Nothing ever made her happy for long. She went after everything she wanted only to either dispose of it, blames others or play victim. I have found you cannot reason with a narcissist or have a healthy relationship. Boundaries, avoidance as much as possible and distancing is the best way to cope. I will make sure my mother is safe and cared for BY OTHERS.
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"I would move in this place in a heartbeat."

You and me both, but clinical depression is not improved by your surroundings, only the correct med will do that. Can I say nicely, that calling her several times a day, is not helping either of you? If you are not already depressed, you soon will be. I had to put up boundaries between me and my Mother. I do understand what you are going through.
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I agree that you need to get her some meds for her depression. And since she's in a place that will care for her, you don't need to be calling her mutiple times a day - that will just feed her need to be despondent. Instead of being the listening post for her, be the person who gets her out to lunch or takes her shopping or to see friends. Engage her in some activities that she's enjoyed in the past if possible.

It's NOT your job to make your mom happy. Only your mom can do that. you can help her with medications to ease her depression, but it's up to her to make the most of her situation. Thinking you can make her happy or change her life significantly enough at this point with her illnesses and situation is a recipe for depression for YOU. You can only do what you can do. You don't control the world and you can't make your mom young and healthy. You can keep her safe and get her the best medical care available, but happiness, no you can't give that to her.
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Unable to sit or stand (Parkinsons, dementia & stroke) my mother's been in an awesome nursing home for 18 months. A life long narcissist she stays in her room most all the time obsessing about buying another big house and having live in staff (servants) which of course is entirely impossible. She thinks she can have live in staff for round the clock care for "rent free", i.e. at no cost. The minute she sees me she's on about it and I refuse to discuss it "until you can walk again" which she never will. If she continues I get up to leave which shuts her up.

I'd love to sort her out once and for all and make her see reality so hopefully she'd try to make a friend or two and join in with some of the activities but I'm probably better to go along with her fantasy. No-one in her life has ever said no to her and if I jolted her into reality then she'd likely be raging against me all over again and her behaviour/attitude wouldn't change.

Msdaisy with respect to the phone calls, I was on the receiving end of daily raging phone calls such that it was making me ill and I changed my number, giving it to the NH with strict instructions not to give it out. I told my mother it had been playing up and as I rarely used it I got rid of it. She's at the stage she believes fibs. Peace at last. Visits still string me out but I visit when I know the following day will be clear so I can recover from it.
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