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She doesn't hate you and she won't hate you. It's part of the dementia and progression of the disease... it sucks! You need to remember that for your own sanity. I don't get accused of stealing (yet) but I do get threatened. Mom and I came to the conclusion (it was my idea) that my name should be on her checking account because I pay all her bills and if something were to happen to her it would be one less thing for me to deal with. She sat in the bank with me happy as a lark drinking coffee making small talk. The man at the bank asked her if she understood what we were doing; she said yes it was fine. The following week after this was complete her mail came and my name, of course, appeared under hers on the monthly statement. She marched over to my house waving the paper at me asking what the hell was this... I said mom, you were with me; we did this together. She said, well I didn't know that is what we were doing! If you EVER TOUCH A NICKEL without permission, I will leave, move away, and that will be the end of us! (I doubt she remembers that conversation today... but I still do!) I was actually hurt because I wouldn't - and haven't - done that. But she can divvy out those threats.... like I wouldn't be her daughter anymore if I dared to touch a penny... nice! I said you are the one who raised me and you did a better job of it than thinking I could do such a thing. Same thing with the mail issue I had a couple of weeks ago. She kept bothering me every day saying, "come over and explain my mail to me, I hate these people, what do they want, etc etc" (it was all junk mail) then I had to explain WHY they sent it, etc... oh it was grueling and this is for a year so finally I said hey let's forward your mail here. I will give you your fun stuff; coupons, checks from your stocks, etc but how about I just throw the crap out that upsets you. She said great! 2 days later she's still looking into an empty mailbox wondering why her mail isn't arriving, and looks at me like I'm out of my mind when I hand her her checks and catalogs I think she would like to look at. But I know she doesn't hate me; she is confused. She is angry. And who better to get angry at than the ones you love? Because they won't leave you...... So don't take it personally when she treats you like that, and remember; it's the disease, not your mom.
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Oh, as for the accusations of 'stealing'...yeah, I got that, too, with my mom. It hurt that she would think such a thing, but I've read so many posts about this that I've just come to see it as 'normal' with alz and dementia patients, or those that have a mental disability. My mom would hide cash around the house, forget where she put it, then scream at me that I was stealing from her. My oldest son and I would tear the house apart and finally find the money hidden somewhere... Sheesh! I don't know how many times we went through that. Don't let it hurt you too much, it's just how some elderly people get...
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What Pstegman said.

MsDaisy, this isn't anything YOU'RE doing, this is your mom and who she is. I understand totally. You are the whipping post for all of life's wrongs and miseries. It sucks, but that's it. There's really nothing you can DO except endure...and get her on some meds, like yesterday. They helped my mom chill. They'll help yours, too.
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I'm not familiar with assisted living. But is this a place that you can go to the director or client "coordinator" and discuss your mom's behavior? Ask if she's also acting up with the other clients? And ask for their opinion of why she's now acting up? Do they recommend anything to help? Or would it be best that you don't visit for a month so that she can calm down? Definitely meds would help but I can't see her willingly taking it. I hope someone else who have gone through this will be able to give you what worked for them.
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Pstegman I do leave when she gets nasty and if its on the phone I tell her I'm not going to talk anymore if she screams. I honestly think (but can't prove) my mom has had a long undiagnosed mental illness and I know depression runs in my family so I wouldn't be surprised with that either. It's just not normal how she acts. I've done so much reading on dementia I know it's part of the illness but what do I do if she starts making phone calls to get herself freed? Short of a conservatorship (which I am avoiding at all costs) I honestly don't know what else to do. I don't want her going to her grave hating me. I love my Mom and it cuts me to the core to think she would think I would ever do anything to hurt or cause her distrust. These are the issues I'm struggling with.
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I wish I could say the unpleasantness was forgotten but it seems if she is out with me all she does is talk bad about my sibling and vice versa. The bitterness and hatred and accusations are getting unbearable. I don't really care what she tells anyone people who know us know we have done everything right by my Mom. To be honest, even she knows she doesn't doesn't deserve what he have been doing for her. She even said it he first day we moved her in there. We have been jumping through hoops on our heads trying to make her happy but NOTHING seems to work. She is on so many meds for her heart I am not sure the dr will be willing to put her on anything else. It's so frustrating and so depressing. I keep telling her to count her blessings instead of condemning them. What few friends she has left from outside of the ALF have also to,d her she is so lucky to have kids that are so on top of everything. It doesn't matter, me who does the most, sadly takes the blunt of her accusations and demands. I just don't know what to do at this point.
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She definitely needs some medications, we started mom on anxiety meds and later added an anti-depressant. Do not stay when she is nasty, get up and go. She plays to an audience, so don't be one. Don't take her out of there either, she will be just as nasty back home. It's the dementia.
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This is very difficult to go through daisy. My mom went to a facility for two weeks respite. The staff was to take her to memory care for activities then back to assisted to be with hubby for the night. That plan was a disaster as he has needs as well. After two days mom refused to go to activities in memory care unless he went as well. The whole idea was for him to get a break from her and have time for himself. It was a huge mistake for the facility to put them together in a unit. There were nights when she would become so angry she would start throwing things and yelling at him. I had talked with 5-7 other facilities and not a single one would agree to have them together. So, how did this happen? Sibling had "connections". This really ticked me off, the placement was not based on the needs of both of them, rather an I'll perceived fairy tale that they will both be happy if together.

As far as permanent placement, it is probably coming down the road a bit. But, now everyone realizes this will be extremely expensive because she needs memory care and he only needs assisted. At this time we are discussing waiting until mom has no idea where she is most of the time. So an unfamiliar place won't make much of a difference. If done too soon she would need to be sedated to keep from harming others or herself. It may end up being a nursing home because of the need for medication.

Sorry, got off track a bit. When they came home after respite, all was wonderful quite quickly because mom forgot. One of the good things about the disease is that the unpleasantness is quickly forgotten.
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