Was assisted living a mistake?

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My Mom moved to assisted living a month ago it appeared everything was fine she was adjusting nicely making friends, participating in activities. Now all of a sudden she hates it, hates the food, hates her tiny room. None of this is true. The place is like a resort everyone is so nice and I've eaten there several times with one meal being better than the next. She keeps saying she wants to go back to her house and she has become so evil with the nasty things she is saying to me I'm making myself physically ill over this. I have tried begging, pleading, reasoning, even crying nothing is working. She has dementia ( although acknowledged by dr's not formally diagnosed) and I'm so afraid she is going to get herself kicked out thinking that will be her ticket to her home. My Mom is VERY stubborn and hard headed when it comes to getting what she wants. She basically manipulates and nags until,she gets her way and she absolutely cannot live alone and I honestly don't know where to go from here. My stress levels are through the roof and I'm beginning to think she truly does hate every ounce of my being. I have been falsely accused of so many horrible things, mainly stealing (which hurts the most) that are so untrue and so painful it's putting me in a deep depression. She has already destroyed a close relationship with my only sibling as a result of her antics. I was thinking of taking her for some tours to some of the less desirable Alf's in the area just to see how truly good she has it I just don't know if that will do any good. I did my homework and visited every place in the area and this one was by far the absolute nicest and cleanest, I wouldn't mind living there myself. It literally looks and feels like a hotel. Have any of you gone through this one month in and how have you dealt with it? She is threatening to call call home health agencies to price what it would cost to have someone come into her home should she move back to give her her meds as I cannot do it four times a day. She is also threatening to call lawyers and her doctor ( we told her her dr said she cant live alone). I guess basically what I'm asking is how have you all dealt with these tantrums and how did you get your parents to see that this is it. There is no other option they absolutely positively cannot go back home and live alone. I'm at wits end. Please help with any suggestions. I honestly don't know what to do at this point I'm so depressed and stressed over this.

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Even though how stressed and exhausted you are, you should still remember that your mother needs you and her condition is not easy. You should remain strong for her and do not be affected of whatever she say. No matter how heartbreaking it is, it is still you who should understand. I think the best way you can do is to observe her from apart, and let her adjust to the environment without seeing you for some time.
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Quick update. First I would like to thank everyone for the encouraging words, I don't know where I would be without all of you in this community who have cheered me on and lifted me up when I was at my lowest. I think we finally reached a good place I swear you never really hear much about the "adjustment phase" but its so real and so raw I really feel I might just have to blog about it. My Mom is doing well, not asking so much to go home, it does happen from time to time but I do see where she is getting happier about being there and making friends has really helped. I have backed off a bit, I'm not going there every day as I was and she is now finding her own independence again, making choices and friends on her own and getting into a routine. For anyone else going through the adjustment know you are not alone we are all here for you and it DOES get better. Now what I am finding is instead of getting the screaming, threatening, heart breaking phone calls I am now getting the gossip calls. Wait till I tell you this.... listen to what I heard today.... you would never believe what so and so did. It's kind of funny because its a fun side of my Mom that I hadn't seen in such a long time, its really nice to have that side back to her. She has gained three lbs since moving in which is a great thing and while she may not be thrilled with her apartment, I know in my heart I did the right thing and I see where she is not rotting anymore alone in her house sleeping and forgetting to eat. For once, after three months I am finally seeing a glimpe of the rainbow after the storm. And it feels fabulous!!!
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"Eyes crossed..." :-) Lovely idea, Ms Daisy, and I know just how you feel!

I'm glad your mother is putting her toys back in her pram. Take this opportunity to create a little distance - not to be remote from her, just make a kind of cordon sanitaire so that if things get lively again it'll get dealt with by the ALF first, rather than you. I really hope she feels more and more at home, though - eyes crossed again!
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We seemed to have reached a real turn around . Ever since we have gone on that tour of the "other" place the complaints have been less and less. Maybe I should have done that tour a lot sooner I'm not sure but the turn around has been nothing short of a miracle. While she still asks to go home she has not complained no where near the way she was and she actually appears at some small points to be liking living there. I pray this continues as I have had not one single accusation since we took that tour and she seems to be participating more in the activities being offered and less consumed about calling me to complain. Fingers eyes and toes crossed.
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ryan some people will never be happy with anything. Just before my father passed he said "Your mother will never be satisfied with anything" and, after living with her for 50 years, during which she treated him like dirt, he was an expert. All we heard for two hours yesterday was "me, me, me, I want, I want, I want, wah, wah, wah, woe is me". She's been like that all her life and will never change.
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Assisted living can never be a mistake. It's just that you have to be a little cautious about the place you choose for the elders. My mom has been living at Luvida Memory Care for over 5 months and she's happy being there.
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Well, I spent 2 hours with her and the director of the NH and presented all the paperwork. No problem there but then she turned to "you sold my house in a hurry, sold after 2 days". Actually it was in such a state needing renovations it was six months before it sold. Then it was on and on about her furniture. Then it was "so lonely and bored, no-one to talk to" - 60 residents in the NH - but she stays in her room and/or in bed 24/7 and refuses to join in any activities to get to know people. We told her she has to go out there, get into the activities and meet people, her happiness and ability to find friends is not my responsibility - she has to get out of that room and mingle. All she does is shut herself in her room and dream up stuff. Apart from the grocery store and the library she's been a hermit since my father died 15 years ago and, as a narcissist, expected everyone to drop everything and run to her whenever she chose. Long ago, on the phone, I asked her if she'd hear from xxx. "No, I don't call them, they call me". La de dah, no wonder her few friends eventually gave up.

Nothing will change as she won't try - everything has to be handed to her on a silver platter - but I've laid my cards on the table, been open and honest and the NH director and government inspector are very well satisfied. I don't know when I'll visit again, if ever but I expect I'll be getting phone calls from the NH that she's playing up again. No wonder I leave my phone off the hook a lot.
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For ashlynne. This isn't the first time a money trail has had to be documented and it won't be the last. If your ducks are in a row, don't worry. It's just the time factor. Distance yourself from her for your own sanity
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With my mother it's a combination of dementia and NPD. As I said above she's been obsessing for months about getting a nice big house (delusions of grandeur) and having live in care 24/7. This morning I got a call from the NH. Evidently the government body that oversees NHs is there this week and when asked if she had any concerns she said she didn't know where the money went from the sale of her house, yet she was kept informed every step on the way. Now I have to go down there and show her paperwork as to just how much money she has.

This all to do with the obsession about buying another house and having staff. Firstly the big house she had sucked most all of her pension every month just to keep it. Since then taxes, condo fees, gas and electricity prices have soared so she wouldn't be able to keep it today. Unable to sit up or stand she needs nursing care 24/7 and if she bought a house and furniture (both of which would have to be "Better Homes & Gardens"), which she can't afford, she'd not have a dime left to pay staff.

I had a condo in Toronto overlooking the lake and a great job on Bay Street. I came to Canada with 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week and I worked hard to get where I was but, as she couldn't manage alone, purely out of duty (she's a nasty piece of work and I've spent a lifetime avoiding her), I gave it all up and lived in her freezing gloomy basement waiting on her 24/7/365 for four h***ish years with no income.

Once she went into the NH I bought a tiny dilapidated cottage which was all I could afford. I have POA, preserve her money and ensure her bills are paid. As the money has been under my control for some years it would have been easy to dig into it and buy myself a nice home, but nope I've done my duty and personally I've lived below the poverty line for a very long time.

My poor father (who passed 15 years ago) busted his chops to give her everything she demanded while she treated him like dirt, but of course it was never good enough. Just before he passed he said to me "Your mother will never be satisfied with anything" and, after 50 years of living with the witch, he was an expert!

Yes, I'll go down there this afternoon and show her paperwork in front of a witness but that's the end of it. I will continue to preserve her money and ensure her bills are paid but I'm not obliged to run her errands or even speak to her. So be it. I've had a lifetime of hell from this woman. If I'm lucky I may have 10 years left and she's not sending me to an early grave.
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For msdaisy. Assuming the Dr won't provide meds because of her heart meds is that. An assumption. Schedule an appointment with the Dr. Please try to let the accusations of theft roll of your back. This is quite common with dementia patients. We had a lady who was sure we were stealing her denture cream. She even called the police. They were saints when they came to see her. I agree that you need to speak to the director of nursing and or the administrator of the community. They will have some insight for you. HANG IN THERE and you will be stronger for the effort. Just remember...........it's the disease talking, not your mom.
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