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I made the mistake of taking in an old friend who began to suffer FTlobe dementia about 3 years ago. The previous caregiver was a different friend who misrepresented the subject's degree of impairment. He is lucid only for a few hours a day, if any. Worse yet, he has assaulted my teenage daughter and threatens my wife with violence over trivial matters. He has adult children who refuse to communicate with him. There is no one among the circle of friends we had for the past 40 years who will take him from me.



I can establish a guardianship when he acquires the status of a resident, and have him placed involuntarily in a memory care facility. I thought I could avoid that, but my own frailty and the risk of being physically assaulted is too much for me. It troubles me that my only apparent option, if he strikes me, is to call the police and have him removed, whereupon he will be in the mental health bureaucracy as a danger to himself or others. Surely he would prefer to have me select a memory care facility and assist with an orderly transition.



Unfortunately, I cannot reason with him, and even to suggest that he is going to a facility is likely to provoke anger and violence. Nothing is negotiable. I am forced to pretend that every day is the status quo indefinitely. And because I am merely a friend providing a place for him to live, I cannot prevent him from using his checking account or credit card to make silly purchases. At best, I can find a reason not to take him to a store. He was once computer literate, but cannot operate a TV remote now.



I guess I am asking for any suggestions as to what to do while I wait for eligibility for guardianship. I know I can get the "LOC" evaluation now, but that would tip him off to my plan to relocate him, and he would be angry and violent. What a horrible disease. When he is lucid, he can still recall events from 40 years ago, but lucidity is becoming scarce.



Thanks for listening.

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What surprises me is your a lawyer and just like us who aren't you have no idea what to do either. The first time he threatened your family cops should have been called. You explain he has FLD and has become aggressive. For the safety of your family he needs to be Baker acted and he cannot return to your home because you are afraid for you and your family. The State needs to take over his care.
Get that man out of your house. FTL Dementia usually the person becomes violent. There are meds but it means a psychiatric facility and hits and misses until the right cocktail is found.

You do not want guardianship, you want the State to take over his care. You do not need this added stress. Nice that you have done for him but he is now beyond ur care. He is not competent to make his own decisions.
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If he has adult children who will not deal with him I would speak to a social worker about making him a ward of the state. I doubt sincerely you would get guardianship over him while he has family. Contact a Licensed Social Worker to begin to work on this. How in the world with an incompetent adult are you managing ANYTHING including his money; if you are managing his money, under what authority? At some point I see the adult kids swooping in for an accounting.
I don't quite understand what or how this happened. Sure hope you can give us a bit more information. It is clear that this cannot continue.
If you like you can call EMS during the next "outburst" and have him transported for evaluation. Tell the ER that you need social serivces right away. Give them contact info for family and tell them you are afraid for the safety of your family and he cannot return to your home.
My very best out to you. Hope you will update us.
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Wow! I only had to read up to the point of your friend becoming violent with your daughter and threatening your wife to know that you cannot allow this man to harm or threaten any further.

I realize that you want to settle this in a certain way but you are taking a risk that you may regret.

His medical condition is causing him to behave irrationally. It doesn’t matter if he still has some lucid moments, those are far and few between.

Your wife and daughter deserve to feel safe. You deserve to have peace in your home again.

You did your best to help. Things change over time and adjustments are needed to manage a situation.

Do whatever is necessary to remove your friend from your home as quickly as possible. Even if this means calling the police if he makes threats or harms your family again.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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We once allowed someone to live here that was a danger to my sons. Long story, but bottom line is after six months and I found out he was not living up to his promise, I demanded that either he leave or we were leaving. My husband then put him out. But I feel our boys were betrayed by their father and that will never be healed. Don't do this to your family. If they are in danger in any way, then this man does not belong in your house.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
I love how you stood up for yourself and your sons. You’re a wonderful mother!

Obviously, your husband needed a push to do what was best for his family.

I’m glad that your husband did come around and kick the person out.
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Please don’t place the safety of your family and yourself in jeopardy for another day. You have an amazing heart toward a friend, but sadly, it’s put your family in danger and that cannot go on at all. Imagine your grief and guilt when someone is hurt, really hurt. Call today and have your friend removed. It won’t be pretty and will make you feel awful, but certainly not worse than seeing your family come to harm
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When you and your family members are vulnerable to dangerous circumstances it is necessary to place your situation first.

Friendship is a treasure, but your friend needs is a pragmatist right now. Can you be that for him?

Take good care of yourself and your loved ones. If having this person removed from your care is ultimately the safest course for all f you, you know what you MUST DO, and it sounds like it is UNQUESTIONABLY time.
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You can call the police.

When they get there, explain about the violence against your daughter.

At that time, explain about the dementia. This will trigger the police to take your friend to the ER. Unfortunately, if your friend gets violent, he will have to be restrained to make the transfer out of your house.

Immediately call the hospital's social worker and explain the situation. Tell them that it would be an unsafe discharge.

Then, get a restraining order. Your friend will not be able to re-enter your home.

All of the above will cause grief. And, mental suffering, for your friend, and for you. BUT, your family's safety is of utmost importance here.

Please do not fail them. Putting them in 2nd place could cause physical or emotional harm for a VERY long time.

As Alva says, "Not everything can be fixed."

I'm sorry about all of this.
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Yes it is a horrible disease.

You had a big heart deciding to care for your friend.

Violence & aggression are serious concerns here. Have your wife & daughter had to move out, go somewhere else? Your commitment to your friend just cannot be placed above the safety of your wife & daughter.

Unfortunately providing care & therefore becoming someone's caretaker without the legal authority to make changes is a hard place to be in. As you have found.

I see no alternative to having your friend removed from your home. Either by dropping him yourself (if possible) at the nearest ER or calling a mental health emergency line. ANY violence should be the trigger.

Please stop waiting for your friend to give permission to go into care or to make reasonable or rational decisions. Just take action for safety's sake - for all of you.
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