As I read these posts, it seems many people have given up their lives to care for a parent(s) who would be better served in a nursing home.

Yes. Read on. You are far from alone on this forum. Let us know when you have a specific question that we might help with. It sounds now as though you have no plan to give up the care that you took on. What can we help with TODAY!

Why is it all on your shoulders? Did your parents assume you’d be their retirement plan?

Yes a lot of folks on here have given up their lives to care for their parent(s), and it looks like you're on track to be another one, as your parents are already living with you.
Please don't let that happen. Your children and now grandchild deserve so much better than that don't you think?
Not sure why you think that it's all on your shoulders when in reality it is all on your parents shoulders. They were the ones who didn't plan for their future and so now they should have to live with that choice, not you.
If that means they apply for Medicaid and move into low income senior housing then so be it.
And I sure hope and pray that you're not financially supporting them in any way as you will need your monies for your own future and retirement.
I think you've already set yourself up for their care when you let them move in with you, as once they're there it will be very hard to get them out of your house as many can attest to here on this forum.
Hopefully you are at least their DPOA as eventually that will come in handy to get them placed if need be.

Every time I offer advice, I seem to get shot down by the sentimentalists. But I’ll say it (*sigh*) one more time: do NOT let these old people rule your life. It is NOT “on you shoulders,” unless you allow it to be. Listen to Funky Grandma. And back off before you are in wayyyy over your head!

No, you're not wrong in wanting your life back... but:

You say they "have no assets and are declining health-wise".

Do they each currently operate independently? Can they do their ADLs? This will make a difference in where they can realistically move to -- if they don't have enough funds to pay for in-home help. Section 8 housing may be an option, but maybe not if your parents have health issues and cognitive/memory problems.

Medicaid (in most states) only covers LTC, which is a medical assessment made by a doctor (meaning the person is most likely bed-bound or profoundly ill needing a lot of long-term medical care).

This doesn't sound like your parents, yet. So before talking to your parents about moving out, I would contact your local Area Agency on Aging for info and resources.

The other option is to have them pay for in-home help while they're living with you to take some of the burden off your shoulders. You can also contact social services for your county to see if they qualify for any county-provided services, like light housekeeping, light meal prep, hygiene, transportation, etc.

I wish you success in getting your life back!

Your parents don’t have any assets? Great, they can get on Medicaid and get into a home.

Caregiving should be a choice, and it should be a choice that works for everyone not just the care recipient. And even then you need to reevaluate that choice periodically to see whether it is still working, because things change.

You are right , not only does it SEEM that way , it IS or WAS that for many of us . That’s why we came to this Forum .

Don’t be another casualty.

Call your local Agency of Aging , have them assess your parents needs and see if they can help get help into the home to give you some relief until your parents are bad off enough physically to qualify to get into LTC on Medicaid .

First, your parents may have no assets (why not - most of us save something?), but they should have some income, from pension or otherwise. They are paying for their Medicare insurance, and they should be paying you for food and a share of housing overheads, even if not for care. If they are getting everything for free, or virtually for free, it makes the idea of paying for care ‘almost outrageous’. This is where the ‘you owe us’, ‘not in our family/ culture’, ‘how could you do this to us’ starts to play out, and the flying monkeys get recruited.

Work out the total value of what you are providing (including for care), and give them the details to think about, even if you don’t demand payment of the lot. It provides a comparison with the cost of facilities. And work out how much you've saved them already, for the last few years! If they reckon they have 'saved you' money, ask them to put a $ value on it. With luck it won't get this nasty, but it sometimes does!

Second, pick an ‘event’ as a deadline for things to change. Your grandson’s first birthday? Or him starting to walk, so that you want and need to be able to go out with him and leave them alone all day? Or a planned 3 week vacation? Or another grandchild on the way? Your parents need alternative care by the time the ‘event’ happens. Say it, and stick to it.

In the meantime you find brochures for whatever alternative accommodation and care they may be eligible. Senior housing, rent fixed at a proportion of income (and there is always a waiting list)? IL and AL brochures – even if they can’t afford it? Visits to a nice AL for lunch, and to look at the activities? Anything to shake up their ideas! And a visit from a social worker, so that you aren’t the only one going through the options with them. Don’t be the only one to blame!

Set yourself a deadline, and push towards it. It won’t be easy, but Good Luck!

Toni, you should consult with a Medicaid Planner or elder law/estate planning attorney for your state. Some states have a special trust (Miller Trust) where those who are trying to qualify for Medicaid can offload "excess" funds so that they can financially meet the criteria. But then they have to also meet the medical criteria. Some states' Medicaid will cover AL and MC but most only cover LTC. You need to know what your state offers before you start working on your parents' exit plan from your home.

"How Miller Trust Work? A Miller Trust is specifically designed to qualify an individual for Medicaid benefits by diverting all income into the trust. Income diverted to the trust is not counted as income for purposes of Medicaid eligibility when attempting to qualify for nursing home care."

Source: https://raniacombslaw.com/resources/what-is-a-miller-trust#:~:text=How%20Miller%20Trust%20Work%3F,qualify%20for%20nursing%20home%20care.

"As of 2022, the following states are income cap states, and Miller Trusts are an option to gain Medicaid eligibility: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Delaware, Idaho, Indiana, Mississippi, Missouri (only for HCBS Waivers), Nevada, New Mexico, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Carolina, South Dakota, Wyoming."

https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/investing/estate-planning/miller-trust

Here is more detailed info:

https://www.ncoa.org/article/does-medicaid-cover-memory-care

It doesn't have to be all on your shoulders. You can find them alternate living/caring arrangements. If you want to read any of my posts you will see what a horrendous nightmare I went through by moving my mother in. I came here, got the information and support I needed and then got her out. It took my 15 months, but I did it. I too just started having a life with my husband when my mom came here. And I became bitter and resentful of her stealing it away from me. But I was allowing her to steal it away. I got her in an AL about 3 months ago. It was the best thing I could ever have done. I too am having my first in state grandchild and I want to spend time with her. I still work. My husband still works. We like to travel. We want to have the life we worked so hard for and Mom was never part of those plans.

You don't have to live like you do. You don't have to have your parents living in your house, no do you have to be enslaved by their needs and demands.

You say your parents have no assets. I can't even get my mind around how so many people who are seniors today managed to live so long without actually becoming adults. Grown-ups have good credit. They own real estate. They have insurance policies. They plan for their own retirements.

My apologies, I got off track here. Your parents choices are going to be limited.

They probably can't afford an assisted living facility. They can afford an independent senior living community though. The rent is based on income. Medicare and Medicaid will pay for some weekly homecare hours for them too.

If they get to the point where homecare is no longer an option for them, they will have to go into LTC. Yes, it will have to be a state, Medicaid-friendly facility but it is what it is. Their choices are limited by their lack of assets and low income. You can still help them if they're placed.

So many times families think that putting someone in a "home" means that there's nothing more they can do for them. That's not true.
You can be their advocate. You can still physically take care of them. You can bring in meals, and visitors, and all kinds of things that can make life in a cheap care facility (if such a thing exists) decent and even pleasant for them.
Please look into placement or senior housing for your parents.

Just remember to get your future plans in order.. living trust, anything, and have this conversation with your kids..
things happen, and a lot of older people go not want to leave their home or go into nursing home.. nursing homes have a bad reputation..
private home care is expensive. And so is the 6 packs; private style home with 2 caretakers and 6 residents,

You start by telling them "We are going to look for Senior Housing for you"
There will be a wait list.
Work with your local Senior Service Agency. They have Social Workers that can help.
If there needs to be an application for Medicaid down the road start the process sooner rather than later.
Help them live as independently as possible but do not enable them.
Each of the "conditions" you list
"Age related decline" (I want to someone to explain that to me..we all have some sort of "age related decline")
Anxiety (is that yours or theirs?)
Broken hip, are they still recovering or is this a past injury? If current are they still in rehab?
Hearing loss. We all have some hearing loss but it does not prevent someone from living their life independently.
Heart disease. Is this managed by medication?
Incontinence. Again it happens but does not prevent someone from living independently.
Mobility issues. As long as they are safe this should not prevent independent living.

And a few points...YOU do not spend your assets providing housing, food or other things for them or you will be in the same boat expecting your children to care for you when you age. Do you want to put them in the same position you are currently in? My guess is no!

First mistake was having them move in with you. Second mistake would be letting them stay.

Help them find a good place and make sure they go there, whatever you have to do. Even people without much means manage to save for their retirement. A little here, a little there all through life. Making sacrifices. Checking out IRAs, annuities and all the other ways to keep from being a burden. If your parents didn’t, that’s sad, but don’t make the same mistake.