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My husband and I are currently living with her, for going on 7 years as her 24/7 caregiver. She has so much stuff, and we have some things here and we are over crowded. She is on a waiting list for a nursing home. Just need to start moving some of her things at a slow pace. What is the easiest and fairest way to do all this?

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Before my grandfather passed, he had picked out one thing specific for each of us- 1 daughter and 3 granddaughters.
The other antiques, guns, furniture and such went onto a list that was sent to each of us. We numbered from 1 to 27 what we would want most. The lawyer went from oldest to youngest working down the list. The rest of the knick knacks and what not were all set out in a room. We got together and starting again with the oldest, chose one by one until it was all spoken for. Then we traded amongst ourselves too. It was smooth and easy, with lots of memories remembered and shared stories.  Grandad was a smart one. I miss him still.
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Ah, clearing out a parents house was physically and mentality exhausting. For myself, someone here on the forum board had suggested that I "swap" out items I have and use items from my parent's house. That worked GREAT !! I then donated or trashed my items.

This week my sig other is finally going through moving boxes he brought with him almost 15 years ago when he had moved in. He was surprised what were in the boxes. Thankfully he has donated or trashed 95% of the things. His two children are in their 40's and have no interest in family heirlooms. And I need to have a family meeting with my cats :P

If anyone has boxes in the basement, attic, garage, or outside storage shed, please note that mice are pretty clever about getting into those boxes. For the first time I saw and held a mice nest, and was so amazed at how wonderfully soft it was, and perfectly round shape. The mouse used packing paper, old photos, cotton stuffing, and whatever they could find. Boxes were sprinkled with bird seed hulls. Thus, some of the items in those packing boxes were damaged. Best to store things in locked-top plastic bins.

Plus I need to have a family meeting with our cats :P
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Lymie61 Mar 2019
"family meeting with our cats" Hahahaha
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What are the issues? Are there other relatives who would like to take some of the 'things'? Because they like them and for keepsakes, or for the financial value? Are you concerned about fairness? Is the issue how to do it without upsetting mother? Is it to get the highest value for mother's benefit? Is it how to find some way to dispose of them usefully? Are you wondering what could go with her to the nursing home?
Being executor of your mother's will has no legal effect until she is dead. Your right to do it depends on whether you are POA and whether she is still legally competent to make her own decisions.
More facts, please!
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motherofdreams Mar 2019
I am POA on all, medical and finances. She has dementia. I want fairness as I stated, to all the families without squibbles. Not for finances, but memory. When my dad died, mom had them come in and take what they wanted. WHAT a disaster that was. A big grab. Some got most and some got nothing. Hard feelings. Don't want to deal with that. WE have to do some reno and I have no place to put things while it is happening. I like the idea of the lottery as state above, but not sure how that works. Just looking for ideas for dividing things up fairly.
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Easiest will be to wait until after she moves to the nursing home, once she is settled everything can be cleared out without her knowing or interfering.

If fairness is important then the simplest way to ensure that is to sell everything, cash is easiest to disperse. Of course she may use up every penny for her own care so there will be nothing left over to worry about any way. If there are special heirlooms that should stay in the family my great aunt used a lottery system to divvy them up.
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motherofdreams Mar 2019
That is what I was looking for.. the lottery system. How did you do that? Please and thank you. I am POA for both medical and her finances etc. She will go to a VA home she is on the list The house is in my husband and my name.
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Executor comes into play when she is dead. You cannot act in the capacity of Executor while she is alive.

Do you have POA for money and health?

Who owns the house? It appears from you post that you and your husband moved in with you Mum 7 years ago. If it is her house, then no you cannot dispose of her belongings without her permission in order to make room for your own things.

If Mum is in agreement to start clearing things out it will have to be at her pace. I am faced with this with my Dad. He hoards, not to the extent of the TV shows, but there is far too much stuff, old food, old newspapers, a couple thousand books, etc in his home. He tends to hoard durable food, but buys far more than he can ever eat. I find food that is over a decade old, rancid, infested etc.

Last June, he allowed me to clear out one kitchen cabinet. He sat at the table and watched me as I went through it shelf by shelf. There is pantry that is full of old food that needs to be gone through, but he is not willing to let me clear it out yet.

So my suggestion if Mum is willing to work at this is to sit her comfortably and involve her in the process. Have boxes and bags for donations. I know with Dad he finds it easier to let go if the things are being donated (not the old food).

2 years ago when I was helping Dad, I used clear garbage bags. He did not trust me to not throw out things he 'needed' and the clear trash bag reassured him. That year he let me take down old curtains that where shredded and a tripping hazard.

Please do not ask her to get rid of something then replace it with something of yours in her home. That could make her feel you are erasing her from her home.
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If she is on board with some of this maybe including her. My grandmother had her children "tag" things that were special to them and then asked her grands too if there was anything particularly special to them. Some of those things that she didn't need around her or no one else had expressed interest in she gave to loved ones while she was still around to enjoy giving it. Then once she passed my mom and her siblings took turns choosing things that were tagged by more than one and basically choosing piece by piece. Things two of them say wanted got worked out either by one giving up something else or simply the turn thing (deciding what was more important this thing or that because they are both going in round 1. Kind of like the NFL draft I guess!

When it came time to clean out the mounds of stuff that didn't get claimed that way, it was a mix of my mom's my GM, my GA, my GGM stuff, my brothers, my husband and son all spent a few weekends at the house with my mom organizing and tossing which made it easier for her in many ways. We had talked about having my DH and my SIL (brothers wife) go through one of the really sentimental stuff because we had such an attachment and would keep more than was practical, we trusted them to not toss things they weren't sure about but my mom actually got much better at throwing stuff out once we all got going together.
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When my mom started to pass on some things she used a lottery system. She would take three things that she felt were similar in value. Then we drew straws to see who would pick from the equal groups of three things. Then just took turns on going first.
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I don't remember exactly how my great aunt's lottery worked although I remember there were multiple parts. I know that larger pieces were grouped according to perceived value and numbers were drawn out of a hat.
As for the auction - my grandmother's things were sold at an estate auction with the idea that we could bid on what we wanted but unfortunately those of us just starting out in life did not have the cash to buy anything but trinkets - still feeling a little bitter about that. I think it would be good the have people get items that they really would like, keeping an eye to making sure everybody gets at least one item they find meaningful and of reasonably equal value.
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motherofdreams Mar 2019
Thank you. I got nothing from my one grandmothers for the auction reason, I was in college and i cried so much going I turned around and didn't go in. But all the grandkids are on their own and doing well. Thank you for your input.
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As you have that luxury, ask your mother to nominate recipients. If parting with the items troubles her, begin by merely labelling them according to her instructions - you can create an inventory, or you can literally pop discreet sticky labels on the things themselves. This can be quite a fun exercise for her, tactfully handled, and reveal all sorts of snippets from family history and her own experiences.

At this stage, by the way, your being executor is neither here nor there. It gives you no special status until after your mother has passed away, so it is important to be clear that you are handling her property with her permission, at least her tacit permission.
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This is a really good question with really good answers and ideas. Mother has two living children and DIL whom I think of same as blood sister. Between the three of us there are seven grandchildren. I also want to be fair about things when she passes, but right now she has no interest in communicating what she would like to bequeath to whom.
My thinking is to have the ten of us list two or three things that are sentimental and label them with our names. Then move on to her brother and sister, if they are still living, and have them do the same. Then sort through what is left and come back around and ask who might be interested. Then donate or junk. Mother has a lot of "stuff", so it feels overwhelming.
Meanwhile, I have been trying to organize and store things to make this easier when the time comes.
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