As a sole caregiver, how do you respond to someone who no longer recognizes you?

I haven’t had this experience but I can imagine it to be heartbreaking. Please don’t spend precious time time now fretting over what may come, it wastes your energy for now. If the day does come it will certainly be sad, but I’m one who believes that the essence of the person always remains, mom will still be in there whether she’s hopelessly confused or not, and she’ll realize your care and love. I also hope you’ll consider having a helper come in at least part time, everyone in your position needs a break. Our family was blessed by a wonderful lady we hired privately who worked part time and became a treasured help. Taking care of you is vital. I wish you peace

Can you think through why this makes you “extremely nervous”?

Her symptoms are pretty consistent with general symptoms of dementia, so you continue caring for her as you have, identifying yourself as “I’m someone who REALLY LOVES YOU, and will continue to take good care of you and be by your side”.

The name she calls you, or the person she identifies you as really doesn’t make too much difference to her, as long as she knows you are there for her and love her.

As her care needs change/increase, remember that you don’t have to provide her care alone. Be prepared if/when she needs 24/7 care. If you have some ideas about when you need to offer her more help than you alone can give, it will help you to make that transition more peacefully for you AND for her.

Thank you. I am not concerned about being identified as someone she knows, but more as a stranger in her home. Now, she is pretty much lucid most of the time, but it's very unsettling when she's not, as I know you all are acutely aware of. This is all very new to me, so I am so appreciative of this site, and feel incredibly lucky that I found it. Again, thanks, and I will continue to read and learn from you all.

Perhaps you may want to start now by introducing yourself when you walk into the room where your mom is, to keep it forefront in her mind, ie. "Good morning mom, I'm your daughter "so and so" and I'm just here to get you some breakfast."
That way she will get used to you saying that and hopefully it will stick. And if it doesn't, it's been my experience that even if a loved one doesn't remember your name or who you are, they usually always remember that you are a person that cares for them and that they feel safe with, and in the end that's all that really matters anyway right?

Eventqally she'll know you as a friendly, familiar face and while it's heartbreaking, it's OK.

Keep in mind that her sense of time will get confused so that she won't know if it's 2022 or 1952. If she thinks it's 1952 and she's a younger woman with no kids yet, then telling her you're her daughter will confuse her.

That's what I dealt with with my mother. She thought she was 16 again and madly in love with her first boyfriend, so of course there was no daughter in the picture. She always knew me by my name, but the relationship was eventually lost to her. I was her pal, her confidante, and her sometimes tormentor when she needed wound care, but she always trusted me and never got grumpy with me like she did with her caregivers.

You will be a Friendly, Safe, Constant for her.
She may not know "who" you are
She may not know how you are related
What she will know is that you:
Say "Good Morning"
You take care of her
You are safe
You don't yell
You don't expect her to do things she can't do
You are there when she needs you.
You treat her with dignity and respect.
Aren't these things we all want?!

If you have to introduce other caregivers work with them for a bit before you have to leave her with someone else.

The first time it happens...it's a punch in the gut.
However, think how terrifying it is for your LO.
So, When my Mom doesn't know who I am, she at least
knows that I'm the nice lady who takes good care of her.

Being a caretaker is difficult at best, acceptance is the key, as you could be dealing with a new person everyday, a stranger to your LO and to you both.

Don't fret don't expect anything and you will not be disappointed.

Embrace today, do not worry about tomorrow. Good Luck!

I am in that place my friend. I see it slipping as time goes on. My 67 y.o. bride is in the same place. She recognizes her children, but as friends. When I go out on errands and come back she acts as if I’ve been gone for days. “Oh, it’s so good to see you again.”, she says.

I lose more of her everyday. But I never tire of her sweet kisses. Every night I read to her a small passage from the Bible and pray with her, when she gets in bed. I’ll do so as long as she’s still in this earth.

It is a lonely life from the bride I once knew. But she’s still my best friend!

I host a caregivers support group on Zoom. If you, or anyone reading this post would like to join in, message me at 7-1-9*6-5-0*9-3-6-9.

Good Morning,

I simply hold their hand as love can be felt.

I heard a beautiful story on a Religion in the 21st Century video by Fr. Himes of Boston College. It was touching. As his mother neared the end of her life, she had moved to be closer to him in Boston then onto a home; dementia of some sought. He said his mother didn't remember his name but one day she said to him, "I don't remember your name but I know you are someone that I love very much". I thought it was so beautiful. It makes me fill up as I write this.

I hope this brings you some consolation...

Yes, that is a very common thing. Just keep putting yourself in that person's shoes and imagine how you would feel. Think of this: You will look like a stranger to her. Sometimes she may not even know where she is. The room she wakes up in may not look familiar to her. So, keep that in mind. She may be really scared to suddenly not recognize her surroundings or any of the people around her. When you feed them and help them bath and change their clothes, they will see you as a friendly person, but still she may be afraid.

A friend of mine said his father one day didn't recognize him any more and began yelling for help and screaming at him to leave his house. He hadn't began thinking of it so he was unprepared when it happened. Most instances aren't as extreme as that. People just generally don't remember anyone's name.

If or when she stops remembering who you are, you might have to repeatedly remind her who you are. Another thing that can help is trying to determine what memories she has. My friend's dad I mentioned earlier was a drum major for his college band and had very vivid memories of those time. He lit up when speaking about that period of his life. He didn't remember tings in current time. But those older memories seems to remain strong.

Another helpful thing is pulling out old photo albums of the family socializing. That can sometimes help a dementia patient. Seeing the old photos might be good medicine.

It happening to me now. There are days where my wife thinks I am Someone else. It can be frustrating but I just go with the flow. I found it is best to try not to correct them. It is sad to see your loved one fade away. I try to make the best of those times of clarity. There is not much you can do but to stay positive and not blame yourself.

Usually, when my mom had Alzheimer's, and was living with my husband and me, she recognized me. However, there was a day when I gave her lunch, and she said, "Thank you Dear. You're a nice girl. What's your name Honey?" And I said, "Mom, I'm your daughter," and I told her my name, I said, "You knew that." And she said, "No, I didn't." Ironically, it was the same day that my husband's mom, who lived in Assisted Living, didn't recognize him, for the first time. We both exchanged sympathetic looks, as we learned that it comes with the territory. For his mom and mine, their recognition of us was inconsistent: some days they knew us and some days they didn't. We'd just remind them who we were, and they accepted that. They always knew that we were nice people,(whomever we were), and that was really important. Hope this helps.

The first time it happens it is devastating. While I have never really gotten used to it, it does get a little easier to take. Sometimes my mom thinks I am her mom. Probably because I take care of her. She may not recognize me, but she needs me and I am going to be there for her no matter who she thinks I am.

Sometimes I feel that Dementia is harder on the family than it is on the person with Dementia.

I just reminder her who I am. Than she smiles at me and says, I love you honey. Its was hard the first few times my Mom didnt recognize me or thought I was someone else. Its a daily morning , afternoon, nightime event now.

It will be OK.

That happened to my mother, while she was in a memory care facility. She no longer recognized me as her daughter. But even with advanced dementia, I think she recognized me as someone she trusted and loved. It was difficult to know, as she was no longer verbal at that point. I channelled my love for her and tried to be as positive and cheerful as possible when visiting her, even though she couldn't give much back at the end. When people have dementia, their mental and physical state is likely to decline over time. You have to be prepared for it. Towards the end, my mother "forgot" how to walk and eat. She had to be transferred from bed to a wheel chair, and sometimes it took two people to do it, if she didn't assist. She had to be fed (soft foods, because she was pocketing her food in her cheeks). Have a Plan B, if the caring gets to be too much for you to do alone. There are two basic options: in-home caregivers to help, and memory care/skilled nursing facilities. Get connected with a local social worker to discuss your (and her) options. All the best to you and your family.

You play along. My Aunt thought her son was one if her brothers. He played along because that is where she was in her brain, when she was a child with 5 brothers. I think my Mom, in the later stages, thought I was her Mom. When asked about her kids Mom gave the woman asking the question a look like she was nuts and said "I have no children". I was standing right there. A man at Church called me by my Moms name, thats OK, he got the right family. Not saying it doesn't hurt but that part if their lives is gone. I believe they revert back to childhood and everything before that is lost. My Mom, after a point, never mentioned my Dad, my deseased sister or my brother who lived 8 hrs away. Only me and my youngest brother who lived 1/2 hr away.

If she doesn't remember you at some point, just remind her and act natural so to not embarrass her. Make a joke of it, maybe that your hair looks different or you never wore blue before and that why she didn't recognize you. She may not forget who you are since you are always there. Only once in the 10 years of my mom's Alzheimer's did she not know me, asked nicely who I was and why I was there. Never again for 5 more years. She asked another time toward the end if I had ever been young and I felt she was thinking of me when I was younger. I showed her photos of me back then and she said that's how she remembered me. Then we looked at photos of her as a young woman and joked about how we'd both gotten so old. She did not know anyone else for many years, but talked about my deceased dad until the very end. That had always been a worry of hers, that she would forget him.

We have been married for 67 yrs. My wife has been in
dementia for over five years.
After three years she didn't know me for short periods of time.. Then there were three and sometimes 4 Dave's, its called CAPGRAS. She lives at home and those days are rough but I tell myself that's not my wife. The next day all is OK which makes it easier to forgive and forget.

This can be a very frightening, exasperating, distressful experience.
It is good that you are trying to prepare yourself in the event that it happens. Speak with the pts doctor for any specific guidelines he/she may provide you re the patient 's specific illness. In the meantime
some general guidelines include remembering that safety, the PT and yours is a priority; try to stay calm, you may try to redirect pt as to who you are but avoid forcing the subject or making the pt or yourself agitated. Sometimes simply redirecting the conversation ( or name) helps...
Remember too that sometimes what or who the pt " knows" may come out " scrambled".... Word scrambling is one often observed experience.
Other suggestions to support yourself and the pt may come from a qualified in home health providers if you have these in your home ; and as mentioned earlier speak with the pts physician for referrals.
Prayers and peace for you all on this beautiful yet exhausting journey with a loved one...

I truly understand ❤️‍🩹. She is probably beginning to live in her past. That old saying “ once an adult , twice a child” is so very true! More than likely you may not be able to convince her that the names are misplaced..I would recommend for the sake of peace,( it will frustrate and upset the two of you if you’re always correcting ) so just go with flow.
My mom forgot my name, so often I’d ask her what’s my name and at early onset she remembered. Her span of dementia was from about 1996-2005. We’ll to make a long story short.. she began calling me “ that girl”😊 so until her death I was “ that girl” and that was alright with me!
So if you have to make a new memory…. Then go for it! Even though the tears may flow.. try to make them happy memories of the woman she becoming because as much as you may wish,😞 you won’t be able to change her back. Remember just as she is changing, so must we.( so very hard yes, but doable, in baby steps).
Wishing you the best outcome💕

My husband went through this with his mother, but he was not her caretaker. He left a visit with her and came out to the car to cry: I really couldn't say much, because it was our first experience with Dementia. I couldn't even imagine how painful that experience was.

Flash forward 40+ years and I was laying out family pictures on the dining table and he tells me he can't distinguish his daughters: I then knew what I only previously suspected. One issue still haunts me; was his vision impaired by his diseased brain or do the eyes deceive the brain?

I'm guessing that setting out framed pictures with names on them would help, but that's only a guess on my part. Or, maybe wearing name badges would help?

This won’t apply exactly as my mom is in a MC and not living with me, but what I do is wear the same outfit every time I visit. I also wear my hair down and it’s big loud recessive gene hair that’s always been a different color from the rest of the family. Visitors have to wear masks ( residents don’t ) so I have a fun dog mask that has been really popular with the residents. Since I have a signature ‘look’ I think this has kept me recognizable to her for longer. She still has forgotten who I am here and there but huge thanks to this forum I know what to expect. For now if I wave my hair around she remembers who I am lol. My visiting outfit is also colorful.

This is tougher if you live with your mom, but maybe there’s some ‘signature piece’ you can wear around her, especially if its tied to the past? Like hair ornaments or shirts in a color you wore a lot as a child, or if you have wild hair like me just let it be free…you get the idea. Won’t stop the march of this hideous disease but it’s something.

Have to add that after being the chipper entertainer in the MC with my mom I go to my car and usually cry. We just have to get through this.

Big hug, wishing you the best!

My 95 y.o. mother fluctuates back and forth between knowing who I am and insisting that I'm not who I am. Either way, it doesn't bother me any longer.

I started experiencing anticipatory grief over 2.5 years ago after she broke her hip and her cognitive ability took a sharp decline.

I've already burned through the anticipatory grief stage and now I'm just numb from being her sole caregiver and watching the slow progression of her decline.

As my mother has always been difficult, I felt relief when she no longer recognized me. No more blaming me for making her old and doing everything wrong. She believes herself to be younger than I am so I can’t possibly be her daughter. I’m just some old lady who pops by weekly (she went into care 1 year ago) to bring her things, chat and read her mail. I’d much rather be considered a pleasant visitor than her rotten, thieving daughter.

You are not alone. But some if the best posts suggest doing what will feel best for LO. Some describe this Validation Therapy. My mom suffered from Dementia from 86-100 yrs old. Once she was distressed as my dad (who had died years before this incident) was late getting home. I agreed to call him at his office to see what was up. It was a Saturday and in the 1950s he worked Saturdays. I told her no one answered so he must be on the way home. Another time my brother and sister-in-law visited. My mom thought my brother was my dad and angrily accused my sister-in-law of being his mistress.
Point: respect your LOs reality. It’s all they’ve got. Instead of fruitless attempts to persuade, say things that will focus on your love and care. And, deal with any hurt feelings in a way that doesn’t blame your LO. Fortunately my sister-in-law was fond of my mom and was able to smile about it with no rancor.

Dementia can be overwhelming at times. My husband has had dementia for seven years. This has been worse over the past two years. He no longer knows me or our children. There are still good days, but they are different. Wherever his mind has gone, he seems to be in a happy place most of the time. In his own way, he is still kind and loving. The person you knew and loved is pretty much gone. Embrace your loved one even though she is different now.

First I think you should seek out more information on your mothers stage with this disease. This will give you an idea on what to expect and be able to plan your strategy. You will know what's her brain is doing and be able to understand it a bit more from her point of view.
She is still your mother and she will need your care whether she knows you're her daughter or not. Since you seem aware that this is coming why does it frighten you? You should think about how you would feel if you were in her shoes. The disease is destroying her brain, and her understanding of who she is is determined by her brain so she will change.
But she will still need you. If you need more help it may be you can hire someone to come in and help you with feeding her and bathing her, and all other help you give her now. You can ask her doctor where you can find a health aide to come to your mother's home.
Her doctor can also put you in touch with a social worker who will also know where you can get help paying for a health aide for your mother.
Having help will also help you get some rest.

The 1st time my mother didn't recognize me I walked in the nursing home and she said "oh my look how beautiful you look! You haven't changed" which was odd because my narcissist mother had never said that to me. Then she said how is your mother? It dawned on me that she thought I was my cousin who she had seen maybe twice in the last 50 years. She appears to be living in her 20's again. So I wouldn't have been around then. It was really crazy when it happened. But she seems happy to be back in that decade.

My Mom 5 years in MC after many years of in home help, has not known me for years, she does know I am someone she is happy to see and visit with. About 8 months ago she was lamenting she did not know the names of any of the people here and why didn't she. This was unusual because usually her conversations are just nonesense ramblings, so I said well my name is Cyndi, do you recognize that name. To my shock she said "My daughter's name is Cyndi" So I said I Am your daughter! I will always remember her reply "Well what have you done to your hair?" - I am pure white haired not the brunette she knew. I got old Mom I said, and then she was gone again. We have not had another lucid conversation since. When your LO does not recognize you just say I am a friend here to help. There is no correcting, bringing them back or reminding them-their brain is broken, can not be fixed and will only continue to fail. If they are afraid or scared of you, leave the room for a few minutes and when you come back in say something like Hi, I am here to help you... so they know you are a friendly person. Worrying about what will happen is not productive, I would suggest trying to educate yourself. The 36 hour Day is an excellent book (like what to expect when you are expecting) and Teppa Snow has outstanding educational videos, check her out. PLEASE have plans in place for help, if you get sick, hurt or just need a break it is too late. Do not wait to get all the legal papers, backup caregivers etc. Time is of the essence. Good luck, God bless and breathe.