Follow
Share

My husband is 65 and fighting lung cancer. His 63 year old brother lives with us. We own the home and agreed to let the brother live here if he pays his part of the bills and groceries (which he does). Our issue is, the brother sits and drinks beer all day long with his friends outside and does NOTHING to help around the house....literally NOTHING. My husband has had MULTIPLE talks with him about helping out around the house but it falls on deaf ears. The brother has a desk at the entrance to our house that he leaves a complete mess all the time, he doesn’t help with ANY housework....does no cooking and no cleaning. When I say he sits outside and drinks beer all day long, that’s ALL he does. My husband does the cooking and what cleaning he can manage (I help but I am still working public work so I am not home all day). It’s really wearing on my husband both mentally and physically. He’s finally told his brother to find another place to live that we have had enough of his laziness and him not helping out. Now his brother is trying to make both of us feel bad about making him move out. Are we wrong here? My husband and I have enough on our plate so as it is, with him fighting cancer and what we may be facing.

Find Care & Housing
I hate to say this, and I hope this isn't the case here, but if he's lived with you for an extended period of time, it might not be as easy as just throw his rear end out of the house. Depending on where you live you might have to formally and legally evict him, otherwise you guys could end up in serious legal trouble.
I would do a little research about the tenant/ squatter rules in your state.
Here in NY if you can prove residency for 30 days, EVEN IF YOU PAY NO RENT (aka squatting) the owner of the property has to go to landlord/tenant court to have you evicted. Otherwise it's considered an illegal eviction, and the property owner can get fined/go to jail.
Please proceed with caution as you do this, so you don't end up in legal hot water.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to notgoodenough
Report

You have nothing to feel bad about.

I would stop feeding the lazy drunk and dump his mess in his room.

When people tell you who they are, believe them.

Who really thinks that paying their fair share comes with a cook and a housekeeper. And that they can leave a mess in the common areas. A lazy drunk that's who.

Your husband has given him ample opportunity to shape up and become a good roommate, he has made his choice.

Bye bye brother!!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
Shell38314 Apr 29, 2020
Great advice!
(0)
Report
Can you elaborate just a little? We read that the living arrangements include paying a fair share which you state that he does. Did anyone discuss upkeep or cooking beforehand?

These are common issues with people living together and often cause issues to arise if not discussed prior to cohabitating. I know that I heard about these same things from my college aged daughter with her roommates. She learned to bring up these topics when finding a new roommate before living together.

What has been your brother in law’s response to your husband’s requests for his help around the house?

The simple answer to this question is that it simply isn’t working out. It could be a personality issue or do you feel his drinking is excessive and causing another set of problems?

Do you financially need a boarder or were you doing this as a favor to help him out? Is he taking advantage of you in any other ways? This is sort of like loaning money to a family member or friend. It generally isn’t a good idea.

Your first priority is your husband’s health. If this is interfering with any recovery then it isn’t worth trying to deal with it any longer. Is he social distancing from these people? Is your husband cooking for a crew? You are dealing with a grown man, not a young person who is immature and doesn’t have life experience. He many be a nonconformist at this point.

I wish you and your husband well. Take care.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

Is BIL socially distancing from his friends that he drinks beer with ? That would be my biggest concern. THAT would have to happen.

I know that he may be a pain by not helping around the house, but, would he be able to help if you or DH got sick with covid? Having a backup person to help with care is a plus, imo. Who would care for you if you both got the virus? You are right of course about not wanting him there if he doesn't pull his weight, but, with covid-19, I think about things in a survivalist mode now.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Sunnygirl1
Report

I vote he needs to move on. Don't ask him to leave: tell him, nicely, that he will need to find other arrangements and then give him a move-out by date, and do this in writing as well as telling him personally. You don't owe him any reason. Give him 1 month's notice so he can't stiff you any rent payments. Offer to help him find a place to go. Not sure you should offer to physically help him move, but his "buddies" can do this. Maybe ask a few of his buddies (in front of BIL) if he can couch surf with one of them for a while. If he is resistant, and becomes a more of a you will need to go through an eviction process. Be pleasant and business-like in doing all of this. Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Hi Stephanie! You and your husband are kind and generous people! The BIL was so blessed to have been allowed to live there, but he took advantage of the situation and needs to move along now. You could try family counseling, but he doesn't sound like a willing candidate. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I know how you are feeling. By the way, any other family members willing to take in this charity headcase?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to happyandchirpy
Report

Well, of course your BIL will play the guilt card now that he's been asked to leave! Why not, it's his last ditch effort to guilt you into changing your mind, which you should NOT do! What BIL ought to do is take his brother's health into consideration and realize that his laziness and slob-like behavior is doing NOTHING to help him!

Buh bye BIL. Sorry not sorry. He brought this on himself when all he had to do was pitch in and help you all out here!

Wishing you the best of luck with DH's health situation; it's time to take care of YOURSELVES now. You've done enough for others.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

No, you're not wrong. You and your husband are in agreement that he needs to go. God forbid, but what if your husband gets worse and is not in a position to contend with his brother? You may have to do it alone. I'm sure that's not a position you would want to be in - and that could happen. The time is now. Start watching the paper, etc. for apartments for rent. He obviously has some income, so renting shouldn't be a problem.

I'm so sorry to know that your husband is fighting lung cancer. This is a very trying time for the two of you and his brother should have more compassion.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to dlpandjep
Report

Seems you have done what you could. Probably not much you can do during shut down but when things open up, DH again can tell him he needs to leave and give him a date. Tell him knowing his brother has Cancer, he should be glad to help. He doesn't seem to appreciate you gave him a home or that his brother is sick.

At 63 he can collect SS. He can work. There is low income housing. Food stamps. Food pantries. If he has been paying rent, you may have to evict.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

If it is not working, your DH needs to tell him this is too stressful, which is not good for anyone, but certainly not good for someone with cancer.  BIL may have thought paying part of bills meant that was all he had to do.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to FloridaDD
Report

You are not wrong. It's time for him to move on.

But...the expectations as to his behavior probably should have been made clear BEFORE he moved in. If he is a boarder in your home, that generally does not come with chores or behavioral expectations.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
pamzimmrrt Apr 29, 2020
I agree with Barb,, it sucks but it should have been made clear at the beginning. I work with a young man who bought his parents house after his dad was diagnosed with early onset ALZ. Then he realized he needed some room mates to make the mortgage, so he let some friends rent from him. They do clean their own rooms, and buy their own food.. but he is now angry that they don't do anything else with him telling them to,, he feels like their dad! And 3 of them are sharing one bathroom! And now he is the only one working and they sit around all day watching TV. He would love to get them out but needs the money. You don't.. help him move our or renegotiate the rules.. No way would I put up with this if I didn't have to!
(0)
Report
You are not wrong.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Alicew234
Report

No. Boot him out asap.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to HelloImMinsu
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter