Are we on candid camera? Anybody have a statement of the day from their non caregiving sibling?

My brother (who has a job) and his wife (who cannot work due to mental and physical limitations) live with my dad - rent free, dad pays all utilities. My dad gives my brother $200-250 a month "allowance"! Dad says it's for the food they buy. Good grief! And I am still the one who takes care of all the finances, doctor appointments, etc. And my sister who lives in another state always defends our brother, "Oh, he can't help around the house, he works!" or "He can't do that, he has a bad back." Like I don't work 40+ hours a week! ugh

Hahaha oh I have a ton. I think my favorite is when my sister who doesn’t particularly like me because I’m way younger than her and we have different moms (so I was daddy’s baby) called me while mowing her 37 year old daughters lawn for her, which she does weekly. She then told me that my daughter and I were using my dad because he helped me pay for my daughters class ring and once a child is grown the parent shouldn’t help them out anymore so she was calling the department of aging on me. I laughed and simply stated yes please stop helping your adult daughter by mowing her lawn weekly and taking care of her kids for free daily. I mean parents aren’t supposed to help their adult children ever.

You just have to laugh laugh at their stupidity. My daughter was my dad’s world(he passed in January or this year with her and myself by his side) he would have done anything for her. My opinion it was his life and he was determined to do whatever he wanted to do. If he wanted to pay half for my daughters class ring that was his choice. My daughter had his initials placed on the inside of her ring as well.


One sibling told told me I was using him and I should be ashamed of myself. I took care of him, he lived with me. One of his other children never showed up and the other 7 came to see him maybe once.

I understand Lisa.. I see my mom all the time.. but I also miss her.. I miss our friendship and our long conversations.. my mom can still have very simple conversations..but they are not the same by a long shot.

Her "sisters" could still make an effort and call , visit or ..even send a letter or a card..that would mean a lot more... then this "say hi for me" BS.

My mom’s youngest sister gets all emotional and tells me she misses talking to her sister on the phone. Gee, like I don’t miss having conversations with my mom..visits are torture because my mom can’t really have conversation that makes sense anymore.

Another one...my moms sisters. She has two sisters that live in town..one makes rare obligatory visits..the other has never visited... and gets updates from the sister that makes the rare visits. She has 2 other out of town sisters that talk to the one that rarely visits (and gives updates to the others).. this sister is always telling me to "say Hi" for her to my Mom (with dementia).. from the other non visiting or sisters who have no contact with Mom.

Another pet peeve of mine... I just got a text from one of my Mom's in town sisters to "say Hi for them" to my mom (with dementia).. that does my mom no good at all.... what is the purpose of this gesture? One more thing for me to do for them.. and they can put out zero effort.

(this is really just a rant post)

caregiving is from the heart believe me

Does anyone ever call out the lame behavior of these family members? I am an only child but I believe I might be tempted to ask if they possess a soul at all. May not do any good but at least they are on notice. Just wondered.

My sister in law was texting me the other day.. with vague promises about coming to help clean out parents house so we can sell it. She mentioned that she thought her son had the right idea by having multiple children.. so that at least one of them would be his caregiver when he gets older!

Wow... I don't have any children.. but if I did no way would I want them to be in a similar situation as i have been (or many on this board).. I wouldn't wish this on anyone... not even an enemy.. much less someone I love. I told her how very hard caregiving would be on a child.. and i cant imagine that is even a reason for having more children.

(I have heard others say this as well).. sheesh..

Ugh, I have heard so many of these... “ I’ll pray for you”, “ Sorry but I’m going on vacation for 10 days”, “You really need to get a full time job” ( I work a p/t job and take care of my 97 yr old dad 24/7), “ You have free room and board while taking care of dad, you should be thanking us”. If I update them with dad’s medical issues, I’m over exaggerating, if I don’t keep them in the loop, I’m neglectful. Oh and my favorite “ don’t be so dramatic” when I’m overwhelmed and stressed...

I never knew anyone else was annoyed with the, "keep me posted" I still don't exactly know why it bugs me so much - it's lame? lazy? no effort on their side required?

Oh yeah.... the "keep me posted" trap. katiekay is correct that it just becomes another thing to do. Gotta keep the spectators happy - you'd think they'd paid for a ticket or something.

And, there was one particular occasion where I'd inadvertently left out part of the story as I was relaying it to a family member and... WELL... the wrath and embarrassment I endured for my omission was so over the top. It was a detail that unless someone was going to HELP me provide care, it was basically irrelevant & I wasn't trying to hide any juicy information. But the audience expects certain things I guess.

All the times one of my parents were in the hospital for some medical emergency.. i got "keep me posted"

thats annoying just like ill pray for you if you dedperately need help and support.

i got the "keep me posted" every time..which basically is just something else for me to do..afte a while i caught on and did not keep anyone "posted" if they werent here ... and they werent...ever.

Bettina - ever heard the country song called, "I pray for you"?

It was one of my favorites during my divorce.

"I pray your brakes go out goin' down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a windowsill
and knocks you in the head like I'd like to....
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true....
Wherever you are honey, I pray for you...."

LOL

Hmmm, seems like a fav of "Christian" deadbeats and head in the sand types. I've heard that line a number of times. Also, in response to my requests for help or expressed concerns over church affiliated folks engaged in shady dealings. Said after my clearly, thoughtfully expressed concerns were totally brushed off. Said in a way as if to
imply my mental health was the real problem. Of course they finally listened when people went to jail, when there were formal complaints filed, when attorneys got involved. Basically they listened when it got ugly, but until that time it was...."I'll pray for you." Nice :/

This is probably going to hit a sour note with some of you - so apologies in advance, but this was the most annoying, grating statement I heard from any of my siblings:

"I'll pray for you".

Now let me clarify that: it was not annoying or grating because they said they'd pray for me. I'm not an atheist or anything. I welcomed the prayers. If it had been said in parting after a day where they came and helped clean house, cook meals, gave me a breather so I could get away for a bit, or took Mom out for a ride or just spent time with her so I could take a break - sure, I'd be thrilled to hear, "I'll pray for you." But that's not how it went.

What I NEEDED was HELP. Prayers - great, fine - pray for me - but HELP ME care for OUR mother. Not just MY mother - she was their mother too. There were no stepchildren or half-children in our family - we were all immediate blood relatives. I received no financial help, physical help, or assistance with respite so I could take a vacation. I had to HIRE (and pay for) help for that, and worried the whole time that I was away for 4 days, so it wasn't much of a vacation.

I can count on one hand the number of times that any of my siblings stepped up to the plate to do anything for Mom that was of any help to me:

1 ride where they took Mom out of the house for a couple of hours so I could repaint the living room. (Not exactly respite for me - more for Mom's safety)

1 doctor's appointment when I had to work and couldn't get away (which was not a good idea, because the sibling didn't know how to answer the doc's questions and called me 5 times for answers - so I should have just gone myself)

1 day trip with Mom where a sibling came along (and ended up cleaning up Mom's BM mess - I *did* feel bad about that)

1 time when a sibling took Mom to see a parade because I had to work.

Not a dime of financial help - ever.

Those were the 4 times when I had "help" during 3.5 years of caregiving. So if I seem a little bitter about the "I'll pray for you" thing - I hope you understand. I believe in God and have faith - but using that statement about praying for me to brush off responsibilities doesn't set well with me.

One time when my dad was in the hospital a family member asked me if I needed any help. I told my family member that I didn't need any help while dad was in the hospital but I needed help when dad gets out of the hospital. Their  only reply was "Oh".

How about after the fact offers of help? While dad was in ICU for several weeks my SIL's were making fun of him for being a crybaby???!!! He'd had open heart surgery for
crying out loud. Several months later, after I'd heard all the ugly gossip being circulated,
I set the record straight: no, he did not just have a pacemaker op, no we were not lounging around on vacation.

After all the back breaking labor of moving him out of his home, downsizing his hoarded stuff, taking care of sick child, dealing with rehab, several serious hospital errors, a couple of 48 hour days where I almost collapsed, hurt my back transferring him when no one came to help, yadda yadda. Whelp that's when they sent me sickeningly sweet offers to help. Gag me. People like this should just jet off and start their own space colony!!

Family member said "Just get rid of mom's candy dish from the living room & then you won't have to give her as much insulin. That should save you time and effort." This suggestion was made multiple times. The candy dish had been already been empty for weeks - not to be refilled. Anyway, getting rid of a candy dish would lighten my load? Nice try by a non caregiver.

The same family member said to me" "I can't help you, but just look at all the ideas and insight I've given you."

IDEAS and INSIGHT? More like criticism and complaints - the majority of which were made via lengthy emails which were both cumbersome and confusing to read. Took longer to figure them out than it would have taken to comply with the demands the messages contained.

We were told, “I don’t do old” by one of our sisters.

I asked a family member for help with a phone call that needed to be made on Mom's behalf. After I gave family member the phone number, explained what needed to be discussed, gave the phone number again because it had gone missing, etc The call was finally made. I asked what was discussed and this was the response: "I called them but they didn't answer. I left a message for them to call YOU."

Family member left a message for them to call ME. Wow, I hope that wasn't too much trouble to do. Needless to say, in the amount of time that had elapsed, I could have done it myself. Calling and leaving a message is a far cry from what I'd asked to be done. I'd rather have been told NO from the beginning rather than thinking some real helping was going on. 

This is cousin not sibling. My aunt was still not yet buried
as we left graveside while her casket was still above ground, and my cousin called
to rant about her inheritance!!! $10,000 split four ways. What the serious.....??
I told her we're all tired, why don't you call back later today or tomorrow and she
began cursing and calling me names. Unreal :(

When my Dad passed away. After DH and I had been only care for him and gave him a great quality of life, he was very happy. And no other sibling EVER visited and NEVER called him, and NEVER responded to his letters asking why.:(
One of them blamed me for his death.

I had just gotten through Christmas, had no sleep for days and then helped Mother die and it was time to plan what would be said at her funeral with the Minister and my 2 brother's were walking out the door and I said "Where are you going?" and one of my brother's said "Why? Did you need something?"

Family member told me the following: "I will not help. It's not my role."

Ummm... who decided it was MY role?????? I don't recall being given an option.

My sister is giving less and less help . She tells me she is distressed w/ Mom getting older and more effected by dementia. Mind you she can still talk , walk , potty etc. She needs help but is mobile at 96. She would go to her house once in a while to give me a break . ( alot of steps..so this will end soon) . She complained that Mom hogged the bathroom so had a toilet built in the basement. At Moms expense. But doesnt like going down there . rolls eyes ..waste of money . I was diagnosed with cancer in 2016 . Fortunately im ok now . Sis took Mom for the week directly after Chemo for 6 cycles .. which helped alot . But i did have her for the other 2 weeks . I got an aid for 3 days a week and a maid periodically . Didnt know how id take chemo . ( which wasnt too bad) . So a couple months ago i got a scare. My platelets were off and the Oncologist personally called me to ask me to do some extra testing ..Maybe a bone tap. I tell my sis ..cause she might have to take me for the bone tap. First thing out of her mouth was . MOM cant live here and im not taking her for a week every 3 weeks. Im like . Umm im not even diagnosed with cancer again yet . Why are you making me dead... beat that ..snorts

sherunner, one day you will have the absolute pleasure of repeating those words to your sibling when they least want to hear them.

'I am not available'
'I confirm that I am unable to offer any cover'
'When I have said I can't do something I don't need to say why!'

dmanbro . I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to watch others ignore their parents
last days without caring to connect. Especially after your mom gave of herself so much.

It seems as if people think that caregiving mainly involves occasional trip to doctor and
watching TV and eating bonbons. I don't know how they have that impression, maybe
so they can live with themselves for not pitching in.

Don't let anyone pressure you one way or another. Caregiver's syndrome is real. It can
take awhile to bounce back from exhaustion.

dmanbro, Sorry to hear about your Mom and about your sister. Is your father still alive?

Praying that the passing of time will ease your sorrow and surround you with comforting memories.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.....” 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Sorry for your loss Dmanbro.