Are we on candid camera? Anybody have a statement of the day from their non caregiving sibling?

yes,

I heard this a few years ago, never forgot. I was venting over some issue...

sister said: relax and have a drink

If I relate anything like that, I'll probably get stressed all over again! Sometimes I just have to forget the comments that are made to me, including from neighbors who know absolutely nothing about caregiving.

Yes I was told "I can't help you physically or financially"

My Aunt with dementia had surgery. She was obviously affected by the anesthesia and was much worse.
Family members were taking turns staying with her while we found a caretaker. One (usually very vocal) niece was asked to take a shift. She never showed up. She was called and asked “what happened?”
She said “Oh, I called aunt and asked if I needed to come over and she told me she didn’t need any help”. Niece didn’t find it necessary to let anyone else know.
“ Didn’t aunt tell you?”

"Your husband is not going to live much longer anyway".

P.S. that is not true.

I guess I am one of the lucky ones? No, brothers not involved in Moms care but I did get thank your from both for caring for her. Which were sincere. One brother lives in 8 hrs away. He has his problems with MIL. And I mean problems. Baby brother, love him but he just doesn't think. I have to ask and he will do but just doesn't think on his own. Went thru a divorce during Moms Dementia problems and has two young girls. The rest of us have grown children.

So easy for the non-caregivers in the family to have a lot to say. A few absurd sibling/family comments which have been said to me:

1. I have heard the "relax and have a drink" statement that wally003 mentions. As if having a drink will truly help at all.

2. Another favorite of mine is "Don't worry, you'll get it all done somehow" and this is said without any offer of assistance.

3. And last, one more favorite is "You're STILL working on_____? I'd have thought you'd be done with THAT by now!"

Here is one for you. I asked for help with my mom who is totally dependent with dementia. My sister told me that her mother died years ago.

My twisted sisters actually told me to go home, mom would be fine. Denial is a great tool to support non caregiving siblings! They had no freaking clue.

My sister has asked me if I think she has her priorities right (work vs family). Uhm.... no?

I have heard many times that they cant help because they just have too much going on in their lives... I guess in their minds I do not so it is easier to give my life over with absolutely no support or help.

The very worst was when I had my Dad (with dementia) in the hospital with pneumonia, my Mom (with dementia) at home with bronchitis, me with a cold (and a project due that week for work).. and begging for help. That's when I got the I can't help because it just isn't a good time for me.. just too much going on! That's the sibling that answered at all.. the other one just did not return my call or text.

Its hard not to feel resentment and wishing they could feel how totally desperate, scared and alone I was at that time.. they will never know though.

I feel your pain.

This is a good thread! I am glad I am not alone with annoying comments.

My aunts say, " You will have plenty of time to travel when your Mom dies."
"She won't last like this much longer."
"You will have plenty of time to go out when your Mom dies."
If I ask them for a day of respite...
"What if she dies on me? It is too hard to see her like this!"

I see her everyday like THIS! It is hard for YOU?
So annoying!

My Husband (who works out of town 5 days a week) on why I said I couldn't go on a camping trip overnight and leave my Mom alone; "Well, the trip is in a week. You don't know, she might be better by then."
Shoot me now!

I asked sibling if they could come and watch dementia dad over Christmas, so we could take a quick family vacation. Hotels where booked. Plans were made...excitement building. I call to verify when they were coming.....Oh, ya know sis, we have made other plans....sorry. ARGHH!

And then there is the old, he really doesnt seem so bad, surely it isnt that bad.....months later the cops come calling about someone who will not stop driving and has already driven into a bank.

The non custodial kids just enjoy their own reality and their own bubble!

I had a family member ask if post-stroke, confused, hallucinating Mom could leave the nursing home to go to a family party on the other side of town because it would "do her a world of good." I replied that the only way Mom could go would be to rent a medical ambulance equipped with a wheelchair lift and Mom would also need assistance with nearly everything (including restroom) while she was at this family party. Somehow, my response seemed to offend the person who was doing the inviting, but it was someone who should have known better. Was she really that clueless? I found that hard to believe, but yet here she was asking... Mom did not attend that party and no reasonable person would ever think that she could - for multiple reasons. She would have spent more time getting loaded into the medical van than she would have been realistically able to spend at the gathering itself because it would have been too exhausting/overwhemling for her to stay very long. I'm sure the "record" shows that I'm a big meany who didn't want her to go. Pardon me, but I didn't want to get a call from a hospital across town that Mom had been admitted due to something happening at the party or on the van ride. Non-caregivers sure do have all the answers. oh yes.

My wife and I take care of her mom, and I have 4 BILs. Within the first 6 months of caring for her each provided me with an excuse:

1. "Because of my heart, I am on borrowed time."
2. "I'm bipolar."
3. "I have a lot going on at work, but appreciated everything you do."
4. "I live too far away, besides its more your house than it is ma's."

My poor wife!

Dad was on an experimental chemo protocol as traditional treatment for his cancer had failed. I had been taking him to the cancer center in NY on the train once/week as per the protocol. It was my only day off from work and my kids were young. It was rough. Four months into these weekly visits the study team wanted to meet w Dad to decide whether the treatment was working. If not, they had nothing else to offer him. The night before the meeting, I had an emergency which might have affected my ability to make the train with Dad in the morning. I called my useless brother who lived in NY (!) to see if he could go with Dad. He refused. Lunch plans. I got angry and said "he's your father! He could be getting a death sentence!" Brother said "I will not speak with you when you are being this emotional" and hung up on me.

"You need to just stop doing for her and do for yourself! The stress is going to kill you."

No prayer of anyone else helping this particular person.

Oh yeah.... The "Don't forget to take care of yourself and not just Mom."

This is usually quickly followed by "Don't forget your own children need you and they are being exposed to all your STRESS - which is not good for them."

But THAT is never followed by an offer to assist. Don't people listen to themselves??

AnybodyOutThere: All I can say is WOW. That's some brother you've got there. Lunch plans?

I have so many - "you are single, you live the closest, you have no commitments" That, from a sister with a husband and both retired! I had relinquished paid work years prior to help both parents. No chance of having another life! No income - used all my super to get through the past 8 years. Same sister said she would provide a day (at short notice) for me to make my needed neglected appointments - physio, car service, hairdresser (been cutting my own three years because I cannot get the time) - all that and more to squeeze into one day, and, at short notice??!
From another sister retired also - "I have fibromyalgia, sweat like a pig and change my bed sheets a dozen times a night - I cannot give you a night off"......Charming!!!!
So many more.
But now Dear Dad has died, there is 100% increased interest in Mum's finances! God bless you all out there as this is the most difficult of all.

I’ve only asked one thing of my non caregiving sister...to CALL her mother. “I can’t deal with her.” “I’ve got my own S**t to deal with.” “Uh, sure, but first can you give me $500, I’m about to be evicted” followed by no call. I’m not asking her to spend time with her, to visit, or participate in care decisions in anyway. It takes zero effort to pick up th phone and feign even a minute amount of interest in her mothers well being. She has no problem spending a day on the phone begging me to co-sign for a car loan. A five minute call, she doesn’t have time for. Absurd.

"You're STILL working on_____? I'd have thought you'd be done with THAT by now!"

OverTheEdge--I've heard that verbatim more times than I can count. Usually
in response to me stating that I need help with something minor because I'm dealing
with father's care. It's a particularity sh***y way to say no to a request for help. Basically shaming you because you're saying you could use some help.

My mom just passed away two weeks ago. I was her FT caretaker for over two years, in her house. My sister died in 2010, she had three daughters, now aged 29, 23 & 19. The father was a total deadbeat and my parents (esp mom) poured countless hours and tens of thousands of dollars into supporting and raising them. She came home to stay in Sept. 2015 and those granddaughters visited her a grand total of three times, most recently in April of 2016. Other then her dementia there wasn't anything especially scary or weird about mom, for most of the time she was well aware of who they were and that they weren't visiting her. I got tired of the constant excuses and lies and just stopped contacting them and they never called, wrote or anything at all.

Now the oldest one is sending me FB messages, asking me when and if I'm having a memorial service so they can "say goodbye" and asking me questions like "what happens now?". Excuse the language but what balls.

Now that she's passed the one comment I keep getting is "you gotta find a job", as if a) I don't realize that already, b) that after two and a half years of daily caretaking duties I'm suddenly ready to spring right back into action and c) I'll be able to take care of the insurance and probate duties on my lunch break.

Sorry for your loss Dmanbro.

dmanbro, Sorry to hear about your Mom and about your sister. Is your father still alive?

Praying that the passing of time will ease your sorrow and surround you with comforting memories.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.....” 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

dmanbro . I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to watch others ignore their parents
last days without caring to connect. Especially after your mom gave of herself so much.

It seems as if people think that caregiving mainly involves occasional trip to doctor and
watching TV and eating bonbons. I don't know how they have that impression, maybe
so they can live with themselves for not pitching in.

Don't let anyone pressure you one way or another. Caregiver's syndrome is real. It can
take awhile to bounce back from exhaustion.

'I am not available'
'I confirm that I am unable to offer any cover'
'When I have said I can't do something I don't need to say why!'

sherunner, one day you will have the absolute pleasure of repeating those words to your sibling when they least want to hear them.

My sister is giving less and less help . She tells me she is distressed w/ Mom getting older and more effected by dementia. Mind you she can still talk , walk , potty etc. She needs help but is mobile at 96. She would go to her house once in a while to give me a break . ( alot of steps..so this will end soon) . She complained that Mom hogged the bathroom so had a toilet built in the basement. At Moms expense. But doesnt like going down there . rolls eyes ..waste of money . I was diagnosed with cancer in 2016 . Fortunately im ok now . Sis took Mom for the week directly after Chemo for 6 cycles .. which helped alot . But i did have her for the other 2 weeks . I got an aid for 3 days a week and a maid periodically . Didnt know how id take chemo . ( which wasnt too bad) . So a couple months ago i got a scare. My platelets were off and the Oncologist personally called me to ask me to do some extra testing ..Maybe a bone tap. I tell my sis ..cause she might have to take me for the bone tap. First thing out of her mouth was . MOM cant live here and im not taking her for a week every 3 weeks. Im like . Umm im not even diagnosed with cancer again yet . Why are you making me dead... beat that ..snorts

Family member told me the following: "I will not help. It's not my role."

Ummm... who decided it was MY role?????? I don't recall being given an option.