Are these normal feelings?

I'm going to challenge you to look at this from a different angle: if your mother was sick with appendicitis, would you take her to the hospital? Of course you would. Because you are not a doctor or a surgeon or an expert who's capable of taking care of her illness at home, by yourself, with your limited knowledge. And, you would feel NO guilt for taking her to the hospital & leaving her in capable hands.

Yet you are beating yourself up with 'anxiety, guilt & sadness' for placing your mom who has a brain disease in a Memory Care AL where she will be safe and cared for by a TEAM of capable people 24/7. Where all her needs will be met by a staff instead of one burned out young woman who is working a full time job and trying to care for a sick mother full time as well.

See where the illogical thinking comes into play?

Your mother is admittedly fine in the Memory Care, you visit her and call constantly, yet it's still somehow your 'fault' your not leaving your blood on the floor caring for her at home.

No, you should not have 'just made it work'. My mother lives in a Memory Care AL herself for the past 2.5 years, now with advanced dementia. She's become SO agitated & angry that it's becoming hard to manage her THERE, by a team of caregivers! How 'strong' would I have to be to handle her here, by myself, as one person with no help?

It's okay to feel sadness; and anger at the ALZHEIMER'S, nothing else. I feel sad and angry at the dementia that has ruined my mother's quality of life. To the point where I pray God takes her Home every night to a place of blessed peace, finally. It's not my fault or your fault our mother's were saddled with such a brain disease, but it's our job to ensure they stay safe & well. I can't do that alone at home, and soon, you probably won't be able to either.

In MC, the doctor comes THERE to see our mothers. Meds can be adjusted immediately. And doled out as written. Activities, food, snacks, movies, socialization is offered, vs. none of that at home, really.

Be sad of you want to, but be relieved an opening came up for your mom in MC. Take things one day at a time and allow BOTH of you to adjust to this new norm. I think it's perfectly normal to second-guess your decision and to wonder if it was the right one. As someone who's had both of her parents in AL and now MC since 2014, I can tell you, from firsthand experience and not invented folklore, that it's been a very good experience for them in every way. If I had it to do all over again, I'd do it all the exact same way, no changes at all.

And please ignore guilt-inducing comments by trolls around here with nothing better to do than make us feel worse, when this site is intended to be SUPPORTIVE and uplifting.

Best of luck.

Katiexo: In answer to your question "Shouldn't I have just made it work?." the answer is that you did the best, STELLAR caregiving job that you could, but now your mother, who suffers from Alzheimer's, requires the care from the trained medical professionals at the Memory Care facility. It is perfectly normal to experience the overthinking, guilt and insomnia that you are going through. However, please know that you did the best as humanly possible for your dear mother. Put your mind at ease in knowing that you made an excellent decision for your sweet mother. May I suggest that you add Melatonin for a sleep aid with your physician's approval.

Just remember why you felt an urgent need to move your mom to memory care. I think if you were to reverse this decision and move her back home you'd remember immediately why you felt this.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Feelings of guilt and sadness are normal and it just shows you care.

Seems like your brain is used to feeling stressed and preoccupied with your mom's well-being. Caring is a good thing; preoccupation isn't helpful. Your feelings are understandable but not serving you well. Please consider booking a few sessions with a counsellor to process your feelings and get to a place of peace.

Yes I think they are normal feelings. If you didn’t feel that way I would wonder whether you were human. Take a deep breath and try to understand and accept that what you are feeling is normal - it is part of loss. Some people lose their loved ones suddenly - others little by little. Either way is hard but the latter amounts to a long goodbye, which can be excruciating and a blessing all at once. You suffered a loss when the Alzheimer’s showed its ugly face but you did what you could to take care of her. Now you have a second loss - that of physical closeness. I can’t imagine (yet) how hard that must be, but it is a natural progression to getting back to you and your life again. Visit, call, do whatever gives you some peace. Be diligent about her care no matter what - and don’t let the staff think they can neglect her care without you knowing about it. Then start to backfill your own life so that when the inevitable happens you will have a life of your own but also no regrets that you did everything you could to keep her safe and well cared for. Best wishes. I hope when the time comes I can listen to my own advice.

You do not give any detail in your profile to indicate what may have prompted this decision or other circumstances.
I am sure when you say it was a rushed decision it was a decision that did not just pop into your head. It was one that had been in the back of your mind. That place where we all store the What If questions, the What Happens questions, How can I (fill in the blank) questions.
If mom was living with you (or you with her) you say you work. Yes remotely but you work. You can not work and be a caregiver at the same time. You can not give "all" of you to your employer and "all" of you to your mom.
Even if..we are going to play a game here....
Even if what ever caused you to make the decision when you did had not happened a few days ago and you kept her home. Would the decision change if:
She walked out of the house while you were working and you did not know she was gone for 1 hour, 2 hours?
Would it have changed if she fell in the shower, broke her hip and was placed in rehab for a month, or two?
Would you have been able to care for her then?
Would it have changed if she disturbed your work ever 5 minutes asking where you were, where your dad was, when were you going to take her to the store.....?
I could go on but you get the idea at some point you would have had to make the same decision.
One thing to learn about being a caregiver, and you still are one. Never second guess a decision that has been made in your loved ones best interest.

Your mother has Alzheimers - she is not normal and never will be again and as time goes on, this disease and the behaviors it causes in people will destroy you. Be so thankful and grateful you found a place to put her. YOU are what matters now and I don't feel any families should endure putting up with the behavior and needs of mentally ill people I have watched what it can do - it will destroy you and the families. She is where she should be. You did the right thing.
Love her from a distance and look after her but please - no guilt - you did right - and YOU must live YOUR life now while you can. Don't let others tell you something different.

Get her out of there as soon as possible! Let her know she is coming back!!! Many of these places are terrible and abusive! Please don't leave her in there.

Look at AlveDeer's response. You are dealing with grief that things are not the way they were in the past but you have made the right decision at the right time - it is an easier transition to a facility when it is an AL or MC rather waiting until it is LTC time. And memory issues only get worse. She will meet other friends in the MC and she is being cared for by professionals. They will let you know if there any issues. You can go back to being a loving daughter when you visit instead of a 24/7 care giver; your Dad can be a loving husband when he visits her instead of a private eye trying to find out what trouble she might get into next.
It will take time but you will slowing exhale and accept your new routine. And I'm sure you will get into doing some things for yourself (new hobbies - photography, art, new skills - piano, new language) that you have neglected when being a caregiver. When you think about it ..... our Moms and Dads really want their kids to fly their wings and enjoy the good life. Your Mom will be pleased even though she may not say anything.
Good Luck

Dear Katiexo , I also moved my LO with dementia rather urgently to MC last week, and I too am reeling.  It helped me to read your story and concerns because I struggle with “intense grief” (  AlvaDeer ,thanks for giving me the right words for this).  I find tremendous comfort in the replies to your post.  Please know that you are not alone.  Sounds like you don’t need as much affirmation as I seem to even with the most obvious decision, but you are doing the right thing which will be better for you and your mom in the long run.  Numerous friends who have LO with dementia and a social worker told me "they only get worse". Stay the course.  Part of why this is so hard is that I would never put my  LO in this situation if they were still “their old self”.  I know my dad has lost so much and yet I have focused so intensely on the parts of him that are still there.  From going through similar situations with my in-laws, it is good to move a LO to a higher level of care while they DO still have some abilities.  Though the caregivers are trained to work with all levels of dementia, I hope that my Dad’s caregivers will discover the good parts of him that are still in there somewhere, like his wit and his story telling abilities before he loses those too.  See if you might speak with someone regularly at the MC facility about your mom’s progress.  They can give comfort and advice and have been through these rough transition periods countless times.  Continue to read posts on this forum.  Seek counseling.  Find distractions and definitely take extra sensitive care of your sleep and health. You need time.

I am closer in age to your mother, and my father is in his 90s.  You should not continue to shoulder this burden and you definitely should not feel the other “g” word.  Your mom could survive for a very long time.  You need to be strengthening and enjoying your own life, your work, your social connections, your mind, body, and spirit, so that when you are on the path to later old age, you are well fortified.

You're probably missing her more than she is missing you! She's in a place where she can be around people her own age. They'll have activities for her. Please don't feel guilty. Visit her as much as you can, take her out, take her to doctor appointments if you can, and be sure to check that her care is good. As long as she's in a good facility, you can sleep at night knowing that she'll be cared for professionally. It sounds like you need to find your own life again. It's difficult to change directions when you've been a caregiver for many years. Look into joining groups that share your interests, reach out as a volunteer, find things out of the house that interest you. Give yourself time to get used to having a life without direct caregiving.

I read something recently about grief and the fact that we don’t get over it, rather we make “a place for it”. Perhaps this is similar. You will miss her in your home, but you haven’t forgotten her and will be caring for her there as well. It will take awhile for each of you to adjust to your feelings and the reality of the circumstances. Big hugs.

Everyone experiences this differently so I will share my experiences. When my Mother was in a community I worried all the time because I didn't know if she was being cared for properly. The community was excellent and the nurses were wonderful. However, with so many residents and so many nurses and staff my Mother received the best care that time would allow. I would see things I didn't like and so I began going to visit everyday and filled in where there were gaps. I learned alot and when she fell in the shower and broke her hip I decided to bring her home. Now, caring for her is not easy BUT I am less worried as I know she is safe and I know that I am caring for her thoroughly. There are days when I think that I can't do this anymore but there are also days when I am so thankful that she is here where I can care for her and keep her safe. I've been told that elder folks can fall anywhere and I know that to be true as she has fallen here. But at least I can add to the way I care for her to prevent another fall in the future. I guess I feel better knowing I have control and she has constant care. I'm not sure if that helps you but I do feel less worried with her living here.

Is memory care in AL or a NH? Can she take care of her hygiene needs and simple tasks? I believe your guilty feelings are exaggerated for some reason. Give it time. She actually may be getting better care where she is especially if its AL. Keep in mind that her condition will get worse. The move now can be easier before mental state drops further.

To be honest the guilt never really goes away .. but it does lessen as you see your loved one receiving good medical care… so many eyes on them 24/7 … lots people around to talk with … activities…
I think you should visit often … take her on outings when you can.. bring snacks and small presents …seeing her well cared for and spending lots time with her … put kids on FaceTime etc… will make you feel better .. and assure her you love her.
it takes a village and there are no good solutions for this disease …

I had to do the same thing with my dad. I cried and I cry all the time, but you can't help her after so long it's too hard. I have guilt I feel sad all the time and I cry I ask myself did I do something wrong I shake my head when I think of putting him in a nursing home, but I know he's safe the nurses love him he has 3 meals a day they make sure he takes him medicine and they call me if something is wrong. My dad has been in the nursing home for almost a year, and it gets better as time goes on. Hang in there you will make it.

The feeling of guilt is one emotion that is often expressed by caregivers. Does that mean it's normal? No, I don't think so. You thought placing your mom in MC was necessary and you were supported by others. You say the stress of caregiving at home was easier to take than the guilt you feel for having placed her. “Shouldn't I have just made it work?” No! Making it work suggests an obligation on your part to care for her come hell or high water. In the end, both you and your mom would be worse off. Her need for proper care would eventually outstrip your ability to provide that care. You cared for her at home, and you're caring for her now.

I, too, was on a waiting list and when the call came, I didn't hesitate.
I was already at wits end, and if I had passed on that available room, I don't know how I would have handled it, or when the next call would come. You placed your mom on a waiting list for a reason. That reason still applies. You made the right decision. Your mom will adapt to her new life, and she will be cared for. If your emotions are too hard to overcome, seek counseling.

I think that this move would not have occurred had you not known it needed to.
Please try to change the semantics, because words matter. You aren't suffering from guilt. You aren't god; you can't make everything work. You are a human with human limitations. The G-word you need to use is grief. Both you and your Mom are suffering. Is it not worth grieving? Go ahead and have your feelings; with feelings it matters not at all what is "normal" or not normal on some kind of spectrum of measurement. Your feelings are what they are. Just realize that trying to go back and forth in all of this will give rise to unrealistic hopes and the shattering of those hopes will do more harm. Go ahead and feel all the grief of what it is in our country to get old, to face loss after loss, finally loss of mobility, continence and our own minds. It is worth grieving. You didn't create it; you cannot cure it. I am so sorry. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you.

How long has she been in the memory care?
I think when you have been living with someone and caring for them the change in the routine of your life can be difficult, for years you have been consumed with planning your life around her care needs and suddenly you aren't and that leaves a void. What you feel is normal, but if the anxiety doesn't ease over time then you probably should talk to a counsellor about it.

You ARE taking care of her by placing her where she's getting the care that's best for her.

No offense, out that guilt is more about you than about her, and you need to recognize that and let yourself off the hook for not making an untenable situation work. If you could have made it work, it might have worked for you, but it wouldn't be working for her.

I assume you want the best for her, so that's why you made the tough decision to put her needs first. You're going through a bit of withdrawal, loss, and a load of other feelings, and that's OK. Let yourself have those feelings and you'll eventually shake them out. Just don't try to make them go away by bringing her home to make yourself feel better.

From your first post I get the impression Dad was caring for Mom. It became too much "for him" so she needed to be placed, right.

I believe that things fall into place because they are meant to. With my Mom I went to the AL looking for respite care and found they were having 1/2 price sale on room and board. I jumped at it. When her money started running out the transfer from the AL to LTC went pretty smoothly. Another sign I was making the right decision. That room became available because it was time.

Because Mom has early onset Dementia she may decline faster. Having her in MC now may be better than later. She will except it as her home better later than on.

You can visit Mom. Take the kids with you. I used to take my grandson who was 3. The residents loved him. One man played ball with him. Her Dementia will get worse. You are looking at someone who is maybe doing well today but next month may decline drastically. To the point that she won't sleep during the night. She'll try to get out of the house.

She will be OK.